BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

So, I’ve had multiple requests for a “repeat” of the “Gospels of the Bean” updates/tweets from a while back. In fact, I’ve even had folks requesting them for Christmas. Since I’ve been so busy with Luetsencurbenpuken (yes, I still need to post some pictures from 2010) and such, I neglected to have a blog entry ready for this morning… Therefore… Yeah. I’m going to get my lazy on and do a big old copy and paste from the “Gospels of the Bean” text file.

Since I am writing this while pumping bean jooce into myself, AND I will need to go roust the o-spring and redhead very soon, this is going to be pretty haphazard. As in, no particular order. I have a busy day ahead and, besides, you know how my mind works anyway…

WHAT IS COFFEE?

cof-fee [kaw-fee, kof-ee] -noun : decoction of crushed, roasted seeds ingested primarily as a vehicle for caffeine delivery. – I haz some.

COFFEE COMMANDMENTS

“And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God…”

“1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”

“2: You shall not make for yourself a false coffee, such as anything that is in the likeness of decaf.”

“3: You shall not spill the brew of the BEAN in vain.”

“4: Remember the birthday of Saint Juan Valdez, to keep it holy.”

“5: Honor thy roasts, espresso, dark, medium, regular, and all in between.”

“6: You shall not murder after partaking of the brew. Before is okay, after, not so much.”

“7: You shall not drink tea as opposed to coffee, for this act is to commit adultery against the BEAN.”

“8: You shall not steal the coffee of another.”

“9: You shall not falsely accuse thy neighbor of being a cola drinker.”

“10: You shall not covet your neighbor’s Bunn, Krups, Saeco, etc.”

GOSPELS OF THE BEAN

On the third day, Starbuck said to them, “Drink this and you will live, for it is of the BEAN.” Gevalia 42:18

BEAN said,”In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, COFFEE will overcome.” Juan 16:33

And Juan did according to all that the BEAN commanded him. – Gevalia 7:5

When Starbuck partook of the coffee, he bowed down to the ground before the BEAN. – Gevalia 24:52

Starbuck said to the baristas, “Come here and listen to the words of the BEAN your God.” – Starbuck 3:9

“It will produce caffeinated beverages for you, and you will drink the brew of the BEAN.” – Gevalia 3:18

“And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God… 1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”

The angel of BEAN said to me in the diner, ‘Coffee?’ I answered, ‘Yes, please.’ – Gevalia 31:11

“So BEAN created coffee in its own image, in the image of BEAN it created brew; Arabica and Canephora it created them.” – Gevalia 1:27

“So Juan moved his tents and went to live near the mountains, where he built an altar to the BEAN.” – Gevalia 13:18

BEAN said to Coffee, “Where is your brother Espresso?”, “I dunno,” he replied. “Do I look like a Starbucks?” Gevalia 4:9

The Bean said, “It is not good for mankind to be groggy. I will make a caffeinated drink suitable for them.” – Gevalia 2:18

Bean said, “Let there be brew,” and there was brew. Bean saw that brew was good, and separated brew from grounds. – Gevalia 1:3

For coffee so loved the world it gave its one and only brew, that whoever drinks it shall be not foul but have good mood. – Krups 3:16

Brew not, and you shall not have coffee. Drink not, and you shall not be awake. — 2 Juan,  6:37

“Now, my Coffee, may your bean be ground and your caffeine extracted for the drinkers of your brew.” — 2 Starbucks,  6:40

“He who has coffee is better than the coffeeless; and he that drinketh his coffee than he that doesn’t.” – 1 Peaberry, 16:32

“Tea may endure for a night, but coffee cometh in the morning.” — Peaberry 30:5

May the glory of the bean endure forever; may the bean rejoice in its caffeine – 1 Folgers, 2:19

Awaken me, O COFFEE, for your caffeine is kind; With your great stimulant, lead me to the path of consciousness. —Starbuck 69:69

COFFEE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

Coffee makes all things new again. A public service announcement of the Church of the Latter Day Bean…

PENNANCE

Tea is an Aqueous sin and Cola is both an Aqueous and a Carbonic sin, making it far worse. 24 Hail Peaberries minimum

COFFEE PRAYER

Oh coffee, who art in cup, Java be thy name. Thy espresso shot, rich and hot, just keep the refills a comin’…

Oh coffee, who art in cup, peaberry be thy name. Thy caffeine come, as I swill one, do they have refills in heaven?

COFFEE AFFRIMATIONS

Coffee is great, coffee is good, I’d best go drink some before I’m rude…

Coffee is great, coffee is good. Better give me more before I get rude…

Coffee is great, coffee is good, let us thank it for our mood…

Thou hast raised me from sleep, O coffee; awaken my mind and open my lips, that I may praise Thee, O Holy Trinity- Bean, creamer, and sugar.

Glory be to the bean and to the grinder and to the water, as it was in the beginning, but is now, coffee without end.

Coffee…grant me the strength to pour, the serenity to brew when the pot is empty, and the wisdom to not kill anyone yet.

COFFEE CONFESSIONS

Confession time – I have a little plastic statue of Juan Valdez and his donkey on the dash of my truck…

I like my coffee straight up, no frills. But when I feel a little kinky, I put on one of my wife’s negligees and have an espresso…

FROM THE COFFEE HYMNAL

I like my coffee bay-bee! Hot, fresh, and… well, not so sticky. But strong, yes. Stronger the better. (Rock Candy)

Coffee, coffee, bo boffee, banana bana, fo foffee, fee, fi, mo, moffee! KAW-FEE! (The Name Game)

Have another cup of coffee, but don’t be sloppy, be careful don’t spill it, when you refill it, have another cup of coffee…  (Manic Monday)

COFFEE IS…

Coffee is… The only thing that keeps me from climbing the clock tower with a rifle in the morning.

Coffee is… My Mistress, and damn she’s hot and steamy…

Coffee is… An essential part of the food pyramid.

Coffee is… Do I really need to embellish here?

Coffee is… Not just a good idea, it’s the law.

Coffee is… My own personal Prozac.

COFFEE QUOTES

I need a faster coffee bean juicer…

Coffee… There can be only one.

Coffee… Not just a good idea. It’s a way of life.

If it weren’t for coffee, well then, I guess I’d just have to be an even bigger asshole today…

I love the smell of coffee in the morning… Smells like… burnt coffea canephora berries actually…

It is by coffee alone I set my mind in motion. It is by juice of the bean that thoughts acquire speed, desk stained, cup empty…

Ahhh… Freshly squeezed coffea canephora juice… It just makes the world look so much more… well… tolerable.

Chemicals my ass! Without COFFEE, life itself would be impossible…

COFFEE QUESTIONS

How many beans do you have to squeeze for one cup of coffee?

More to come…

Murv

First she steals my heart…

Then she steals my freedom…

Next she steals my French fries… (right off my plate)

And then she steals my virginity… Wait… No… That was already gone.

Thing is, now she’s stealing my schtick.

Yeah, I know, Richard Castle is already doing that, but I can’t say too much about that. Last time I did I pissed off the fan club shill.

But, even with everything else, now E K – Her Supreme Evil Redheaded Goddess Techno MILF – is taking my schtick. No, not that schtick… She got that one even before we were married, and she doesn’t even let me see it, much less play with it anymore.

I’m talking about the part where I’m funny.

Okay, stop laughing, I am too funny.

Seriously. Enough.

All right then… So, there I was, engaged in my morning routine. You know, the one that starts at 5:30 AM where I get the coffee going, then give her Eebilness a back massage, followed by setting out her breakfast stuff, yadda yadda…

And that’s when it happened.

There she was, the Eebil Redhead, standing in the kitchen in her sheer black negligee and stiletto heeled mules, as she does every single morning, looking like she had just stepped out of the pages of a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog…

Wait… That was while I was still asleep. Let’s fast forward a bit…

There she was, the Eebil Redhead, fiery hair sticking out at all sorts of odd angles, one eye shut, clad in sweats and a fuzzy bathrobe. How’s that for truth in advertising?

Anyway, she was standing at the counter peering into a fresh box of Raisin Bran. If you remember my previous blog entries, you know that E K must have Raisin Bran every morning, otherwise people suffer – namely me. I came around the corner just in time to see her eyeball the contents, then eyeball the bowl she had just filled. She did this a couple of times, then closed the top on the box and began to shake it in a most violent fashion. She bounced it up and down, rattled it, beat it on the counter, slung it around in a circle, then shook it some more.

Then she opened it, eyeballed it, eyeballed the bowl, and then did it all over again.

Unable to take it any longer I asked, “Ummmm… What in the world are you doing?”

“Imma rebbstrupping nabn race pins,” she mumbled. You have to understand, when she’s half asleep she speaks the same language she does when she’s drunk (See: Gimme Mai Shooz…)

“What?” I asked.

“Imma rebbstrupping nabn race pins.”

“What?” I asked again, because that’s what I say when I don’t understand someone. Truth is I’ve been saying that a lot lately.

With an exasperated sigh, she cocked her head, put a hand on her hip, drew in a breath and half yelled, “I’m redistributing the raisins!”

“Oh, okay…” I replied. I stood and watched her in silence for a moment, then asked, “Why?”

She pointed at the bowl and said, “Two scoops in every box and I’ve got one of ’em right here.”

I love you honey. I even obey you and try not to complain too much when you beat me severely, use me as a doormat, and steal my French fries…

But now you’re crossing the line. Observational Satire and the associated witty commentary are MY things. You need to stick with being unbelievably smokin’ hot and incredibly evil. It works for you.

Me, on the other hand, humor is all I’ve got.

More to come…

Murv