BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

…Goes Unpunished.

That’s the old saying, and you know, I’m beginning to believe it.

I had this acquaintance. Fortunately, I don’t have this acquaintance any longer, but the following anecdote about him is relevant to this rant – You see, at Christmas time he expected you to go shopping for him and buy him something nice. Well, that really isn’t the spirit of the season, but so be it. The thing is, you couldn’t give him cash or a gift certificate (gift “cards” weren’t around just yet). If you did something like that, then you didn’t “care.” You hadn’t put any “thought” into his gift. And, he wasn’t about to give you any hints about what he wanted. You should “know” if you were his friend, family, whatever…

Okay, I can kind of see that first point, the second is a bit thin, but whatever…

However, here’s the rub. No matter how much thought you put into the gift, no matter how much attention you paid, or how much shopping you did, come Christmas day, after opening said gift, he asked for the receipt.

Yep. He would take EVERYTHING anyone had given him… I’m SERIOUS… EVERYTHING he had received and then return it, most often for the cash.

Kind of makes you think, “Why bother?” Know what I mean?

Well, that’s the feeling I’m getting right about now… As you all know, I rarely if ever publicly respond to negative criticism. Truth is, I don’t even read reviews – good or bad – because they are nothing more than an opinion of an individual, and in the end don’t mean much of anything.  It has been my experience that negative reviews sell just as many books and positive, so it’s a wash – all except for the fact that negative reviews tend to make you feel bad. So, I’m just fair about it – I don’t read any of them. No offense intended to reviewers out there. That’s just a little quirk of mine. However, what I am responding to HERE is a little different. While it’s still the opinions of a handful of individuals, said opinions were delivered directly to me via email and social networking sites, and they are so rude under the circumstances, that I feel compelled to make my feelings known.

So, here you go…

On Sunday last – that being December 12, 2010, I made an announcement. I was, to say the least, pretty damned excited about it. You see, I had an idea. Not only could I do a little marketing, but I could give a gift to all of my loyal fans. I could write a holiday-themed, paranormal suspense thriller novella, and just give it away.

Yeah. Free. No cost. FREE.

To do that and not go broke, of course, it would have to be an e-book. Trust me, the publisher is in this to make money – and so am I. But I convinced them that the benefit of giving away the e-book as a marketing tool would be worth the investment they were making in my work, the piece itself, and all of the things necessary to create said e-book. Not having an e-reader really isn’t an issue either. You can download free e-reader software from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc that allows you to use your PC. Or even your smartphone.

But, just to be sure, we plan to make it available as a PDF and provide the option of reading it online as well.

No biggie. Everyone is covered. Everyone who wants to read it, can read it.

So, that’s what we did. I wrote it. I set aside everything else I had to do for a two week span and I wrote. Granted, I had fun writing it, but my schedule will now likely kill me because I have to do two weeks worth of stuff I neglected, all in a matter of 4 days. But, that’s MY problem.

Now, another reason I had fun was NOT just because I have fun writing anyway, but because I was excited to GIVE something back to my fans this holiday season.

So, on Sunday I announced it. Just like I announce any of my book releases.

And, you know what?

For every ONE “Yay, I can’t wait” email I have received, (which is NOT the reason I did this, mind you) I have also received THREE “I don’t want that, I want a hardcopy” or “E-books suck” or “I don’t do e-books” and even “Why can’t you just send me a free paperback?”

Not a very heartening ratio…

There were others, equally pissy and rude. (Receiving THESE types of comments was also NOT the reason I did this, as you can imagine.)

And then there is also my personal favorite, “Oh, I thought it was a REAL book.”

In all honesty I had convinced myself to not say anything. To simply let this slide and forget about it. But the “Real Book” comment was the last straw.

So… If you are one of the folks who sent me a nice email, and are excited about the release of Merrie Axemas, thank you. Even if you didn’t send a note and are still excited about it, thank you. AND even if you don’t plan to read it, but had the presence of mind to NOT complain as if I owed you something, thank you.

YOU are the reason I write for publication, and not just for myself…

However… If you are one of the people who felt you had some sort of entitlement to open your mouth and complain, or say something insulting and rude about a FREE gift – one that you aren’t obligated in any way to accept  in the first place, and has no strings attached – Well… You’re welcome. Way to get into the spirit. Happy Freakin’ Holidays to you…

I’m just sorry I don’t have a gift receipt to give you  so that you can return it.

Murv

Or, Koran Burning For Dummies…

Both work, but I have a fondness for the word idiot.

And, for the record, Koran should actually be Qur’an, however since we here in the United States are so fond of dictating how others should act, believe, and otherwise exist, it stands to reason we would want to dictate how people should spell – even if they created the word and not us. Well, aren’t we special…

Hence, I have used Koran in the title of this post in order to make it easier for the illiterate hate mongers to find via search engines, because they are certainly the folks who will be looking for instructions of the sort.

That said…

Every day, unless I’m on a manuscript deadline, I try to give myself a bit of a break from the “Lackey Do” list E K has for me – not to mention the “Also Gotta Do” list I have for myself. During said break, I eat my lunch. However, instead of consuming it over the sink, I park myself in my rocking chair and watch 15 minutes of The 700 Club / CBN News. Why? Because it amuses me.

Why, just the other day I heard Pat Robertson tell everyone that the Muslims have taken over France, and are coming for us next. Then, they ran a special report on the blight of “gay marriage” and “judicial power grabbing.” You see, it seems that the courts have no business being involved in the laws of the land. Apparently they are just there for traffic tickets and the like, because by doing something as heinous as declaring a clearly unconstitutional law unconstitutional, they have overstepped their authority. In fact, simply by declaring a ban on gay marriage unconstitutional the courts have taken away one of your civil liberties. I’m not entirely sure which one that would be, unless it is now a civil liberty to deny someone else their civil liberties. Thinking about it sort of makes my head hurt, but then “God Logic” has always given me a headache. Doesn’t matter which God(dess) either. Not that I’m an atheist – but I’ve already stated my view on religion vs. spirituality, so I won’t go down that path.

Today, I tuned in Pat, ready for yet another laugh, and wasn’t disappointed. He and his Robertsonites prayed for folks and received divine messages from God – or possibly Jesus… I’m not really sure. You see, sometimes  he uses God/Jesus/Lord interchangeably, and other times he draws clear and distinct lines of delineation between them. Don’t ask me where the ghost comes in. I’m pretty sure he’s over in the corner playing craps with Satan or something. After all, you know they’ve got to talk sometime. But, back to the funny – Pat and his crew basically engaged in psychic divination, something they call the “work of the devil” if a Pagan does it – or anyone else for that matter.

So, see what I mean by amusing?

Anyway, a couple of hours later I jumped in my truck to run and pick up the o-spring from school.  NPR was doing a quick news blurb on a religious zealot. No, it wasn’t Pat Robertson, although, given the things that come out of that man’s mouth, it could just as easily be him. However, in this case it is some preacher out of Florida who has his congregation all fired up, and has announced that they are going to burn copies of the Qur’an (Quran, Koran) on September 11th.

Why?

Because the terrorists who crashed the planes into the World Trade Center Towers on 9/11 were Muslim.

Once again, we have a big ol’ nasty case of “God Logic” going on here, and it’s sitting in a big steaming pile of “God Envy.” By that, I mean, we have ourselves a bunch of people screaming “My God is better than your God.” I saw a quote on Facebook the other day that defined “Holy War” as people arguing over whose imaginary friend is better. I think that pretty much sums it up.

But let’s think about this for a minute. Why stop with burning the Qur’an (Quran, Koran)? I mean, if it’s all about associating terrorists and muderers with religion, we should be able to have ourselves a regular old down home book burning…

Timothy McVeigh – Killed 168, injured 450. 19 of those killed were children – He started out Catholic and claimed to maintain “core beliefs” but then also professed that “Science” was his “religion.”

Okay, then let’s put all books dealing with science on the bonfire too.

John Wayne Gacy – 33 victims – He was a Roman Catholic.

Okay, let’s toss the Catholic Bible on the fire. Oh… While you are at it, take all of your NIV’s, KJV’s, ad nauseum and rip out the New Testament, because – and you might be unaware of this but – it belongs to the Catholics too.

Theodore “Ted” Bundy – Confessed to 30 murders, but it is believed that he was responsible for more than 100 – He was a Mormon.

Toss the Book of Mormon on there… Stoke that baby up!

Albert Fish – Killed and ate children. Possibly 100 or more – Christian. Some would even say fanatical Christian. (But, don’t let a little word like fanatical deter you. After all, someone being a fanatic doesn’t matter, does it? Just their religion.)

Good old Uncle Albert was devout in his beliefs that were driven by the Old Testament.

Hmmm… Looks like we need to round up the rest of the Holy Bibles and chuck them onto the bonfire too…

Adolf Hitler – Let’s just say it was in the high millions and leave it at that. I’m not here to argue the exact numbers. – Depending upon who you ask, Catholic, Christian, Occultist.

Okee-Dokee, we’ve already covered Catholics and Christians, but this bolsters that a bit, don’t you think? But, just to be on the safe side, let’s burn any books dealing with the occult too.

Joel Rifkin – Killed 17 women – Jewish (David Berkowitz too, although he converted to Christianity of all things, right before he started killing.) Doesn’t matter that they were adopted. We’re talking religion here, not lineage.

Well, hmmm… We’ve already tossed the Old Testament onto the flames for all of the dyed-in-the-wool Christians out there, even though it was actually written by Jewish folk (fancy that)… So, guess we need to toss the Talmud, Torah… well… how about the whole shooting match… just toss the Tanakh on there too.

Okay, we haven’t quite cleaned out the religion section of the library just yet, but we’ve made a big dent. Obviously we need to burn any books that have anything to do with any of the aforementioned religious texts. Plus, we’ve cleared out all of the science books.

I’m sure it wouldn’t take much for us to connect all of the other world religions, big and small, to something that is worthy of hatred. That goes for Atheism and Agnosticism too. So why keep screwing around? Just throw all of those onto the fire as well.

There! Are we feeling better now? Turns out nobody’s imaginary friend – or even imaginary void – is all that cool after all.

You know, just the other day when folks were in the thick of the argument over the Islamic Cultural Center plans, I posted a Facebook status update that read something like, “I think everyone needs to get in touch with their inner Atticus Finch…”

If you don’t know who that is, or what that means, pick up a book and read it. Specifically, To Kill A Mockingbird, by Harper Lee. If you don’t like reading, then go to the library or video store and check out the movie. It’s about as close to the book as a movie can get and still be only two hours long.

A dear friend and mentor told me that the statement would make a good blog topic. I agreed, but by the same token offered it to her because normally I do funny. And, while I find Pat Robertson and his band of purse snatchers amusing in a sad way, there’s nothing at all funny about hatred.

Okay, so now you really need to pay attention, because here are the promised instructions:

Muslims are NOT terrorists/murderers…

Catholics are NOT terrorists/murderers…

Christians are NOT terrorists/murderers…

*Jews are NOT terrorists/murderers…

Pagans are NOT terrorists/murderers…

It’s simple. Don’t burn their book unless you are willing to burn your own. We are individuals and we define ourselves. We don’t define others.

Unfortunately, the people who need to get my point, won’t. And the people who don’t need to get the point already know it without need of this illustration.

Next time I’ll try to find something funny to write about.

More to come…

Murv

* The original version of this blog stated “Jewish” are not terrorists, an intentional grammatical error in order to avoid offending folks who seem to find the word “Jew” to be offensive in and of itself. Since the error has been pointed out I have elected to change it, and we’ll hope that no offense is taken.