BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Well, no… Not really. But, you know how I am. If there’s a song out there I can reference – from my era, anyway – I am likely to do so…

So… Anyway… About this whole “Turning Japanese” thing…

A few weeks back the Missouri Botanical Garden, sometimes called Shaw’s Garden – (After Henry Shaw, the man who created the garden and donated the property upon which is resides) – but these days affectionately referred to as MoBot… Not to be confused with MoDoT (Missouri Department of Transportation)… hosted its annual “Japanese Festival.”

Basically, the garden showcases native Japanese plants, flowers, sculptures, music, culture, food, and the whole nine yards. This is something they have been doing for a little slice of forever. Just to give you a frame of reference, back when the Evil Redhead and I were merely dating – not even cohabitating yet – we spent a Saturday at MoBot for the Japanese Fest. It was a great time… We walked around, looked at flowers, drank a couple of Kirins, gnawed on some Teryaki (Yeah, they say traditional Japanese food, but let’s face it – it’s Japanese American food), and lounged on the grass while listening to the syncopated pop jazz stylings of the band, Hiroshima. We even did silly stuff like holding hands and stealing kisses while in the shadows of the Japanese Maple trees… You know, that stuff you do when you are young and in lust…

So, anyway, that tells you right there that this event is better than 20 years old, so it’s been around for a while…

And, since we are on the nostalgia portion of this missive, the above description is pretty much what you saw back then. Maybe… And I do mean maybe… you saw a few (very few) folks in traditional kimonos and the like, and they were most definitely in the employ of the Garden. But generally, it was just folks walking around enjoying the flowers and ambience. (BTW – The picture on the right is from this recent trip. I was much prettier when I was younger. E K, of course, was smoking hot when she was younger, and is now so smoking hot as to burn out the elements in the digital camera’s CCD because she just keeps getting prettier and prettier every single day…)

Several years have passed – obviously – and while I have attended the festival on a variety of occasions since the days of Evil Redhead Courtship, 2009 was the first time in several years since I’ve actually NOT been on tour during the fest. So, we went. E K, the O-spring, and yours truly…

My how times have changed…

Before we ever made it into MoBot proper, I was confronted by 37 twenty-something girls in Sailor Moon outfits. At first I thought they were an actual group of Japanese school children visiting as a part of the cultural aspect of the fest. However, upon closer inspection – not, you know, really close inspection… I’m NOT that kind of a perv ya’know – it became apparent that I was actually dealing with a whole raft of Caucasian, midwestern, late-teen to early-twenty-somethings in schoolgirl costumes and wigs.

Okay… Fair enough. Anime is kind of a big thing, so I figured they were hired to be some manner of hostesses or something. Although, I have to admit, the blue, lemon yellow, and magenta hair scared me a bit.

But then I ended up in line behind them as they bought tickets. So… Obviously they didn’t work there. They were just… Well… fond of dressing up like cartoon schoolgirls I guess…

Then I turned around… Coming at me, flanked by a Sailor Moon knockoff and a Goth Lolita, was a Dalek. Now, some of you may not know what a Dalek is. Well, by way of explanation, it’s an evil robot from a British Sci-Fi TV show called Doctor Who. It basically looks like a giant salt shaker on wheels carrying a plunger, but it’s definitely not out to unplug your toilet. It pretty much runs around screaming in a mechanical voice, “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”

Think low budget, salt shaker shaped terminators.

So, anyway, I kind of understood the anime thing, but now I was truly confused. What was a robot from a British SF series doing at the Japanese Festival.

I took out my cell phone and texted my good friend Anastasia – “I’m surrounded by Sailor Moons, Samurai’s with Superman Capes and Playboy Bunny ears, and Lolitas”

A moment later she texted back. “Bring me one home with you.”

That’s Anastasia for you. Always with the unexpected comebacks.

I texted her again. “There’s a Dalek too.”

I waited. Before long my phone chimed, gave a little shimmy, and I looked at the screen. “A Dalek? WTF?”

Those were my sentiments exactly.

We continued around the garden, enjoying the scenery – and I mean the flora and fauna type scenery here – as we attempted to escape the Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Anime convention that had crashed into the festival.

Around the corner we went and I ran smack dab into one of those Oxymoron’s from that commercial – An Asian Scottish Schoolgirl in a corset, tartan mini-kilt-skirt thing, knee socks, heels, a cape, dog ears on a headband, and she was carrying a wooden sword.

I screamed.

She rolled her eyes.

I went the opposite direction as fast as I could.

Eventually we made the circuit. The O-spring went inside the children’s activities area with E K so she could do some arts and crafts. She’s all about that kind of stuff. Me, I sat outside, drank my water, and watched an ice sculpture melting in the bright sun while John Belushi clones tried to do the old Samurai Night Fever routine from SNL (Back when SNL was worth watching.) Some incredibly orange hair walked by and I averted my eyes before being blinded.

I pulled out my phone and texted Anastasia again. I mean, after all, she was at a family BBQ so she had nothing better to do than text back and forth with me, correct?

I sent her, “Magenta, Blue, Yellow, and Orange hair. Scary.”

Seconds later my phone did the vibro-dance and the screen read, “You feel like you dropped a hit of acid without knowing it, don’t you?”

Yeah. I did. I began to wonder if E K had slipped something into my water and was now hiding around the corner laughing at me.

It wasn’t long before we made our way back to the front and it was time to leave. I sat in the shade for a moment, waiting while E K and the O-spring did a quick pass through the vendors in search of a parasol for the munchkin. As I sat watching, confident that nothing could top anything I’d seen so far today, a gorgeous young woman in a bright red, mini-tunic type dress, stiletto heels, and chopsticks protruding from her hair sauntered by, looking every bit like the kind of Asian hookers you see portrayed in bad movies.

But, that wasn’t the one that made my eyes roll back in my head…

Just before E K and the O-spring returned, the crown jewel of the strangeness walked by. Unfortunately I was so stunned I didn’t snap a picture, but I did manage to hack out a text to Anastasia as soon as my retinas settled down…

“Just walked by: Camouflage shorts, red high heels,  bright yellow legwarmers, black tank top, fluorescent blue hair, and a huge raccoon tail hanging off her ass. WTF?” I typed.

Her return text was a simple, rhetorical question. “This is going to be a blog, isn’t it? ;-)”

Well yeah… She was correct… I mean, I couldn’t dream up shit like this even if I had a case of beer and a pound of happy mushrooms at my disposal.

Next year I think I’ll forgo MoBot and throw my own Japanese Festival. There’s a great little Sushi Bar about 5 miles from my house. If you’re looking for me, that’s where I’ll be. Just do me a favor and leave your cape and Fluorescent Crayola hair at home. I’d like to enjoy my sushi without burning out my retinas again…

More to come…

Murv

I know this is going to come off as hubris in the worst way, but I was recently quoted in a news story and I thought I should let everyone know in case some of you missed it but might still have a passing interest in what I had to say.

The Associative Press

SAINT LOUIS, MO – The recent discovery of a new quantum mass in a small suburb of Saint Louis has yielded sufficient evidence to prompt leading physicists to abandon the “God Particle Theory”. The Higgs boson, nicknamed the “God Particle” by researchers was once considered the “Holy Grail” of the scientific community and was hoped to be experimentally proven when the much touted Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Geneva eventually comes online. However, the Higgs boson has now joined the ranks of such debunked scientific hypothesis as “Flat Earth” and “The Moon being composed of green cheese.” The demise of the “God Particle” was brought about by the newly discovered Briggs stratton, which was detected via a hybrid science that blends quantum mechanics and chaos theory.

Doctor Earl-Bob “Bubba Doc” Fröedingschlösser, lead researcher on the project credited his assistant, Rhonda-Sue Crawford with the initial discovery. “We was on our way over to the stop ‘n shop to pick up some more beers when she saw ’em,” he said. “Rot there on the curb, purty as a pickshure.”

“He’s rot,” Ms. Crawford agreed. “Them metal tubes, they was jes sittin’ there.”

Doctor Fröedingschlösser further explained how the tubes led to the discovery of the Briggs stratton. “Well of course we stopped,” he said. “They was enough scrap there to git us change for at least a six pack. Maybe even a six and a coupl’a Big Buford’s from the burger stand if we was lucky. Anyways, we went to puttin’ them tubes inta the back uh my truck, an I guess we was bein’ a bit noisy. That’s pretty much when it happened.”

“Earl jes tossed ’em in there, ya see,” Ms. Crawford added to the explanation. “Made a whole lotta noise. Next thing you know, there it was.”

Doctor Fröedingschlösser agreed with his colleague. “Yep, there it was all right. Scared the beejeezus outta me. We wuz lucky though. Rhonda-Sue was textin’ her momma ta’ see if she wanted us ta’ pick up some diapers and Marlboro’s for ‘er, so she was able ta’ git a pickshure on the camry part of ‘er phone.”

The Briggs stratton      Photo Credit: Rhonda-Sue Crawford

“It’s jes a little blurry,” Ms. Crawford added. “But it all happened so fast I was lucky I got the pickshure took at all before it started hittin’ Earl over the head with a shoe.”

According to Doctor Fröedingschlösser the newly discovered, and highly charged particle was dubbed the Briggs stratton due to the deafening, lawnmower engine-like sound emanating from it as it accelerated toward them. He commented, “This here’s one of them particles that don’t even need no collider. It’ll collide ya’ all by itself, an’ lemme tell ya’, when it does you hurt like hell for a week at least.”

When asked if there were any plans to assign a nickname to the Briggs stratton such as happened with the Higgs boson, Doctor Fröedingschlösser replied, “Well, I ain’t so sure jes yet, but we been thinkin’ on callin’ it the Psycho Bitch.”

Mury Sallers, a resident in the home on the property where the Briggs stratton was discovered declined to comment on this astounding scientific breakthrough. However, when asked what he thought it should be dubbed he did state, “It actually likes to be deferentially referred to as Queen Bitch of the Whole F*cking Universe, but sometimes when it’s in a good mood it lets us just call it Evil Kat. We still have to bow and scrape though.”

Doctor Fröedingschlösser was not available for further comment due to an extended sabbatical courtesy of the Arkansas Department of Corrections. In his absence, his assistant, Rhonda-Sue Crawford, is continuing the research at an undisclosed location.

Of course, they misspelled my name, but that’s pretty much par for the course.

More to come…

Murv