BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

The 3/4 of a cool grand all started with an unnaturally perky, raven-haired hottie, a really sharp looking pair of hooker shoes, and the promise of an extended lap dance I would never forget – nor would anyone else for that matter, what with it being executed smack dab in the middle of a VFW Hall…

But, before I can really get into that part, I have to give you the background story, or none of it will make the least bit of sense.

You see, I woke up Tuesday last, that being the 15th of March, two-thousand eleven, with a sore throat, an earache, and the sniffles. Initially, I was hoping that the mask of my CPAPian nose hose had merely shifted in the middle of the night, causing me to mouth breathe, snore, and all sorts of other nasty things that would cause such a morning ailment. I was hoping for this because if it was the case, I would be over it very quickly, and considering that on the 17th I had to climb aboard a rocket-propelled cattle car bound for Texas, I really didn’t want to be sick.

Alas, such was not the case for me. By that afternoon I was running a fever of 101, and by Wednesday I was in full blown sinus hell, near laryngitis, and pushing the mercury securely beyond the 102 hash mark. When Thursday rolled around, I really wasn’t any better, although my fever had dropped into the 100 plus range. Instead of hiding from the world – which is exactly what I felt like doing – I went ahead and doped myself up, stuffed 35 pounds of sugar free cough drops into my carry-on backpack, and boarded the plane. However, I left my blue suede shoes behind. (I’d give folks two points for getting that reference, but all it means is that they are old like me…)

Keeping to myself, not speaking to anyone unless absolutely necessary, and stifling my cough by chain-sucking cough drops, I rode the first sardine can to DFW, and the Airborne Eggbeater to Killeen, Texas. Why? Because that’s where the Sisters of the Earth and Sea are, and just as importantly where OstaraFest 2011 was taking place. And, since I was a guest speaker, I kind of needed to be there…

Lolly (L), Joyce (R) with their 2010 COVR Retailer of the Year Award

Joyce (Sister Sea) and Lolly (Sister Earth) picked me up at the 6 gate eggbeater terminal, then shuttled me back to Joyce’s house where I was going to be crashing for a few days. Sister Sea, being a Chemist, Mathematician, and all around great gal, proceeded to doctor me with an herbal tincture concoction she calls “Skunk Jooce” (note: that’s MY spelling on the Juice. It just seems to add a little more mystery in MHO) and an herbal decoction called “Healer Tea.” Apparently the “Healer Tea” is widely known to induce eye-watering, sneezing, and to clear sinuses simply by coming within three feet of it while brewing. Srsly. I saw it nearly take out Joyce and Lolly right where they stood.

Me? I couldn’t even smell it. That’s when Joyce decided that I wasn’t just sick, I was “mostly dead.” It’s a good thing she could teach Miracle Max a thing or two. (Good on ya’ if you get the reference, but still no points…)

Eventually, after resting up, it was time for dinner. Butch, Joyce’s husband, and Jennifer, their daughter, had been working in the kitchen all day in order to create a fine, fine dinner of Cottage Pie, Corned Beef, Cabbage, Potatoes, Irish Soda Bread, and other trimmings necessary for a lovely Saint Patrick’s Day dinner.

No more had we begun to shovel food into our mouths – because even when I’m mostly dead I have to eat dinner – the phone rang.

THIS was when I first became aware of the perky girl with the hooker shoes, and life would never be the same again…

(To Be Continued in Food. It’s Not That Hard… – coming Sunday 3/27/11…)

More to come…

Murv

I grew up in an age where we had a little bit of patience. For instance, when we wanted to watch something on TV we actually had to wait for it to be on, and be in front of the TV at the designated time. But what made us even more patient is that we had to turn on the toob an hour ahead of time so that the glass vacuum tubes and Cathode Ray Tube that made it work could warm up. No, I’m not kidding. Well, maybe about the hour part. But if you wanted to watch something you definitely turned on the TV a good five minutes or so ahead of time so that said tubes could get warm and things could come into focus. Especially if it was necessary to adjust the tin foil on the rabbit ears because of the weather or time of year. Again, not kidding.

So, what’s my point here?

I’m not really sure…

Wait… Oh yeah… You see, we had patience and perseverance. We would spend months collecting boxtops from breakfast cereal we absolutely hated but ate anyway all so we could send away for some cheap, plastic decoder ring or some such. The point being, we would bide our time and do what was necessary to get what we wanted.

Not so much now. We live in an instant gratification sort of age. One in which folks want it all, right here, right now, and they don’t want to take time collecting things.

Again, what is my point here?

I have NO f*cking idea. Sorry…

And so, without further rambling from me, here we have the first quarter, round three aggregation of the Daily Merpizms, all in one place so that you don’t have to spend time collecting them daily.

Bazzinga.

The Whizzdom Of Merp

January 2011

Merpizm 01/01/11: “Without exception, everyone has a kink of some sort. Most are just too embarrassed to admit it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/02/11: “No matter how many times you explain satire, some people will just never get it. Facebook wall comments prove this.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/03/11: “If the bastards somehow manage to get you down, just break their kneecaps and level the playing field.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/04/11: “Sadly, there are some days that even Dangerously Delicious Coffee can’t fix.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/05/11: “Being too smart for your own good means you’ve basically come almost full circle and are right back at stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/06/11: “Nothing wakes you up and gets your blood moving quite like a clock falling off the wall at 3:17 AM.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/07/11: “There is a huge difference between acute stupidity and chronic stupidity.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/08/11: “Not everyone is chronically stupid. But those who are seem to think they speak for everyone.” ~ MRS

BONUS Merpizm 01/08/11: “We now know the answer to the age old question, ‘where do birds go when they die?’ Arkansas.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/09/11: “Reading the Constitution and actually comprehending what it says are two completely different things.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/10/11: “Drama is the refuge of those who don’t feel as if they are getting enough attention.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/11/11: “Whenever you hear a Witch cackle, it means a monkey just earned its wings.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/12/11: “Listen… Do you hear stupid?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/13/11: “You can always tell that it’s high class porn when it has subtitles.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/14/11: “Personally, I would NEVER want to be correct all of the time. That’s just too much responsibility.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/15/11: “Religion is like the junk drawer on your desk. It’s where you hide the stuff you don’t want to deal with.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/16/11: “Trust me. You do NOT want to know what really goes on inside my head.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/17/11: “If you don’t want me to make fun of you then stop giving me so much material to work with.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/18/11: “If you do a stupid, just own it and move on. It’s like Mr. Miyagi’s Crane Technique for personal responsibility.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/19/11: “When you assume you make and ASS out of U and U alone, because YOU did the stupid, NOT ME.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/20/11: “I really don’t care which way the toilet paper hangs, as long as the roll isn’t empty.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/21/11: “Whenever you start feeling TOO proud of yourself, remember – you are NOT as brilliant as you imagine.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/22/11: “I’m much funnier than most people realize. You just have to bring yourself down to my level. Drinking helps.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/23/11: “We could solve a lot of environmental problems with methane
powered vehicles and a steady diet of Navy beans.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/24/11: “No matter how hard I try, I still can’t find any Internet porn that’s as good as the porn inside my head.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/25/11: “I do what my wife says. It’s safer for me that way.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/26/11: “If you aren’t happy with who you are, change. Just don’t turn into an asshole, because I’ve got dibs on that one.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/27/11: “There’s a time and place for everything, but it’s not here and not now, so find someplace else to be stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/28/11: “March to your own drummer, but keep the volume down and don’t expect everyone else to like the same beat.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/29/11: “Real experts are those who, while dubbed experts by their peers, readily admit that they will never stop learning.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/30/11: “Before assigning blame, you should first check to see how much of it you spilled on your own shirt.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 01/31/11: “It takes approximately 72 muscles to speak. It takes ZERO to stop and think before you give those 72 a workout.” ~ MRS

More to come…

Murv