BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

As you can plainly see I have undertaken a task here. Some of you may be wondering what it is. Others among you just might have it figured out. Here’s a clue – parenthood.

Still not getting it?

Okay, let me make it easier for you. We all want the best for our kids. We want them to have it easier than we had it, to have more with less hardship. Not always a good thing, really, because with hardship comes life lessons we can’t afford to live without. Still, if we can teach those lessons and still make things easier on our kids, we will. In a heartbeat. Unless we are bad parents, but that’s another story.

Therefore, to that end, rather than forcing my daughter to take dictation via a Twitter account in order to make a buck off of the inane ramblings of her old dad, I’m doing it for her. Years from now, when I’m rolling around in a wheelchair and complaining about my daily prune ration, she can be raking in the dough from a sitcom based on my sillicisms…

And so I give you, the daily quote project, first quarter, round two…

The Whizzdom Of Merp

December 2010

Merpizm 12/01/10: “Stupid is highly contagious; however, it has been scientifically proven that you cannot contract it from a toilet seat.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/02/10: “Lying, and not telling the truth, are two completely different things. Any fiction author can tell you that.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 12/03/10: “The longer stupid is left untreated, the harder it is to cure.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 12/04/10: “The denser an object, the greater its gravitational pull. However, the denser an INDIVIDUAL… Well, not so much.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/05/10: “Disagreeing with you doesn’t mean I’m an intolerant ass. It just means I disagree with you.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/06/10: “First Law of Desire – Be ready to pay, as you will often find that the price-to-reward ratio is highly disproportionate.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/07/10: “If you think my politics aren’t compatible with yours, bear in mind that reverse is likely true as well.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/08/10: “Mirrors won’t reflect how other people see you. For that, you must look at your image in their eyes.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/09/10: “None of my quotes have been profound. Plenty of amateurs find them, but no pros thus far.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/10/10: “Personal Respsonsibility – the concept of ‘owning your sh*t’ includes admitting it whenever you fart in public.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/11/10: “Sometimes you just gotta add some chlorine to the gene pool.” ~ Det. Benjamin Storm (Via MRS)

Merpizm 12/12/10: “It all started when my sibilant disagreed with my fricative. Next thing you know, I bit my tongue and that was the end of it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/13/10: “Learn to accept that some people are idiots and you won’t have to worry about your blood pressure nearly as much.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/14/10: “I don’t know about anybody else, (but) When I get on Facebook I quote myself.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/15/10: “As with sex, if you don’t take precautions prior to speaking, you need to be prepared to accept the possible consequences.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/16/10: “Why are libraries quiet? Simple. People who read are smart enough to shut up and not let their stupid leak out.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/17/10: “Last night, sleep hit me so hard even the referee kept saying, ‘Don’t get up. Just stay down for the count, dude…'” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/18/10: “I’m not absolutely certain, but I think my liver might have run away from home sometime last night.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/19/10: “You know you’ve had enough to drink when the water in the commode has a foamier head than your beer.” ~ MRS (LKP Day 3)

Merpizm 12/20/10: “It’s okay if you don’t think I’m funny. I don’t think you’re funny either, so we’re even.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/21/10: “There simply isn’t enough coffee to prepare you for what people did on your Facebook wall while you slept.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/22/10: “Don’t ask me questions until you’ve had your coffee. I don’t have time for your stupid this early in the morning.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/23/10: “Yes, the 1st amendment DOES give you the right to be stupid. It also gives me the right to point your stupid out to you.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/24/10: “My pet peeve is people who think their pet peeve is some kind of universal law to which everyone must capitulate.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/25/10: “Trust me. When I want you to take me seriously, you’ll know it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/26/10: “Forget it. If I have to explain it to you, then you aren’t going to appreciate what I said anyway.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/27/10: “Anonymity is like a prescription drug. Beneficial when used properly, but when abused it’s like a steroid for stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/28/10: “First thing every morning I look at pr0n on the internet. If things still react as they should, I know I’m not dead yet.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/29/10: “Ever notice that if you aren’t wearing your glasses, fugitive coffee beans on the floor look kinda like rat poop?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/30/10: “Hey, if the fortune cookie says I should have another beer, who am I to argue?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/31/10: “Prior to 12/25 a Christmas tree is a festive decoration. After that it’s just a tree inside your house.” ~ MRS

More to come…

Murv

Not a day goes by that I don’t say something that belongs on a QUOTE A DAY desk calendar.

Seriously.

Yeah… Okay… So maybe not. However, I do say stuff, and some of it seems sort of quotable. At least, I think it is. My Facebook and Twitter “peeps” have been subjected to my daily musings for some time now. Why? Because the Daily Picture cycle was over and I needed a new “schtick.” Relevant – and often wholly irrelevant – quotes seemed like a good idea. I figure if I keep spewing them long enough I’ll eventually say something that really does belong on a calendar, and once I do, look out. I’ll be the next great philosopher of our age.

Trust me.

I will.

Really.

So anyway, having reached the end of the first quarter, and quotes being a little harder to condense into a 5 minute Youtube presentation than the 365 low-res webcam snapshots of my fugly mug from the daily pic project, I figured maybe I should put them out here in smaller chunks. Especially since folks keep asking me to aggregate them somewhere.

As with anything else, feel free to borrow them, just give credit where it’s due. My bills aren’t in any danger of not needing to be paid, ya’know…

The Whizzdom Of Merp

November 2010

Merpizm 11/01/10: “I am neither legally nor morally obligated to cure you of your stupidity.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/02/10: “Even Occam’s Razor will eventually get dull.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/03/10: “Unbridled activism, of any type, eventually becomes annoying to everyone – even its supporters.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/04/10: “The actual profundity of any statement is directly proportional to its timing divided by its delivery.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/05/10: “Stupidity is much like a cough. You should cover your mouth whenever you feel it coming on.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/06/10: “Opinions, like advice, should be graciously entertained. You can always kick them out when the party is over.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/07/10: “Much like wax fruit, hotel room coffee is only there for show. You aren’t actually supposed to drink it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/08/10: “In my personal experience, melodrama is rarely all that mellow.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/09/10: “Unbridled passion is good. Bridled is too, as long as my wife isn’t too overzealous with the buggy whip.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/10/10: “Never attempt to write a daily quote before you’ve had your morning coffee.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/11/10: “Having an opinion in no way makes someone an expert on a subject. In fact, it probably just means they have gas.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/12/10: “Just because you can read a book that does not mean you know how to write one.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/13/10: “If you were happy ALL OF THE TIME, how would you know it?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/14/10: “Nobody is immune to stupid, and unfortunately there isn’t a vaccine for it just yet.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/15/10: “If you aren’t supposed to use adverbs, why the hell does “Lolly” sell the damn things?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/16/10: “Improper nouns throw wilder parties.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/17/10: “I’m actually old enough to remember when ‘crack’ was only available from plumbers.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/18/10: “Think before you speak, because thinking is sort of like a condom that will keep you from spreading stupid.” ~ MRS

(And if you forget to think all is not entirely lost. Just remember that biting your tongue is sorta like a diaphragm.)

Merpizm 11/19/10: “Forced humor is kind of like an inflamed hemorrhoid. Painful and not really funny at all.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/20/10: “Periods are multipurpose. Not only can they end sentences, they can also abruptly end an otherwise pleasant evening.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/21/10: “If you say something stupid, I’m going to make fun of you. I expect no less when the roles are reversed.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/22/10: “As with brain surgery, sarcasm should be left to the professionals who know how to do it properly.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/23/10: “For the most part, Facebook is really just public exhibitionism performed from the comfort of your favorite chair.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/24/10: “Time is a unique commodity, in that you often seem to have both too much and too little at the same time.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/25/10: “I’m not actually a wise person. I just play one on the Internet.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 11/26/10: “A light at the end of the tunnel isn’t always a good thing, especially if it’s coming closer and you’re standing still.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/27/10: “If stupid grew on trees, we’d be living in an orchard at the peak of the season.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 11/28/10: “Everyone is entitled to their own big, steaming bowl of stupid. The trick is to not spill it on anyone else.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/29/10: “A bonus of Online Social Networking is that your *friends* don’t care whether or not you’ve had a shower.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 11/30/10: “Overinflated egos are a lot like dying stars. They just keep getting bigger until they eventually implode.” ~ MRS

More to come…

Murv