BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I read an article a while back. Yes, don’t choke on your cornflakes, I actually do take time to read every now and then. It sort of comes with the whole being a writer thing. But, anyway, this particular article presented a study which ostensibly showed that the gene for red hair is being bred out of the world population at a significant rate. Theoretically, this makes E K kinda rare, what with her being the Queen of the Redheads and all that.

But, I’m not entirely sure I buy their story…

All you have to do is turn on the TV, and there they are. For instance, Lauren from the HP and Windows commercial. Heartthrob of every electronics geek on the face of the planet.

Never mind the fact that she’s actually a card carrying actress for hire, and not just some random, ginger hottie off the street shopping for a computer. That’s another story in and of itself. The point here is, REDHEAD.

There’s another commercial for some manner of portable moving and storage company, or maybe it was even broadband internet – I forget which. At any rate, they show a redhead who is packing a box at a snail’s pace, apparently to prove you don’t need to be in a rush.

Then you have the Target ad. I don’t think they are running it at the moment, but it depicted an entire family of redheads. It was kind of creepy, actually. Almost like the episodes of Millennium dealing with the army of blondes.

Unfortunately, I was unable to locate pictures of those last two, so you’ll just have to take my word for it… Even so, all you need to do is keep flipping through the channels.

Have a look at Desperate Housewives and there you have what? A REDHEAD. I don’t actually watch the show myself, but if I was going to, it would probably be because of the femme fatale on the right. I mean, after all, she’s a redhead, so she attracts quite a bit of attention. Kinda like a stoplight or a firetruck, know what I mean?

Thumb the clicker again and you happen across a rerun of Will and Grace. Voila! REDHEAD.

I actually watched this show. As funny as the two guys were, and even that secretary gal with the voice, I was looking at Debra Messing. Arguably the best reason for watching the show in the first place, in my opinion at least.

As we continue our tour around the dial – back in my day we actually had dials, so count yourself lucky that I’m letting you use the remote – click click and whaddya get? A movie starring a redhead. You can pretty much take your pick here. It could be Reba McEntire – the late Senior Sellars favorite, or maybe Holly Hunter – counted among the not-as-yet-late Junior Sellars faves.

Or what the hell, it could even be Julianne Moore.

So… You can’t escape them. They are everywhere… But, you have an idea. You’ll just pop in a DVD and that will take care of the problem.

Well, maybe not so much…

You snag your Firefly DVD’s off the shelf, select one at random because all of the episodes are more than worth re-watching an infinite number of times, and what do you get? Our Mrs. Reynolds plays across your toob and you end up coming face to face with Christina Hendricks.

Don’t get me wrong. Bumping into Christina Hendricks is not something I would complain about. Hell, I’d probably back up and bump into her again. But remember, right now we are on a mission to escape these supposed rare redheads. These individuals of fiery hair and dubious intent.

Now, obviously, I am leaving out far too many to count. Gillian Anderson, for one. Although I liked her better when she was cute instead of sophisticated. She made the innocent girl next door thing work really well. Tina Louise, anyone? As fond as I am of redheads, I wasn’t much of a Ginger guy. I was all about Mary Ann… Now, make Mary Ann a redhead and… Well… We won’t go there…

Hell, there’s even David Caruso, but I’m not really a fan. Although, I did like it when Ike on Southpark did his impression of Caruso’s career and dove out of the UFO into the snow, but that was pre CSI Miami. Not a big fan of that either.

So… in a last ditch effort to escape this redheaded menace we turn to animated features. Surely with red hair being so rare it shouldn’t show up in cartoons, would it?

Let’s see… Flintstones. Nope, Wilma and Pebbles…

Penelope Pitstop? Nope. Another Redhead…

Scooby Doo? Nope. Daphne. Redhead…

Let’s move on…

Jetsons? Nope. Jane.

How about something with Bugs and the gang? WTF? Yosemite Sam…

Strawberry Shortcake, Jessica Rabbit, The Little Mermaid… Well Crap!

How about something a little more current? Damn… The Family Guy DVD’s won’t work… There’s Lois Griffin decked out in Dominatrix Gear beating the crap out of Peter. Typical for a redhead, of course, but still, there’s the operative issue again. R E D H E A D…

Hmmm… Maybe something Pixarish…

Bang! Elastigirl…

Quick, next movie…

Bang! Beth the Park Ranger…

Swap it out again…

I know, a holiday short… Something Christmasy…

BANG! A redheaded Elf babe…

And guess what? SHE’s the one in charge of Flight Ops for the bearded dude who delivers the presents. Of course. She’s a redhead. She would be in charge now wouldn’t she?

Now, before you start objecting, I know some of you are going to say, “But, Debra Messing was the voice for Beth the Park Ranger and Holly Hunter was the voice for Elastigirl, so that doesn’t count.”

Well, guess what? I’ve seen Martin Lawrence and he looks nothing like a Grizzly Bear, so they were under no obligation to make the animated character a redhead like Messing. Same goes for Hunter.

But they did… Why? Because redheads are everywhere, no matter what they try to tell you with falsified genetic diversity reports from shady scientists. How much would you like to bet those supposed “scientists” who conducted the study are all redheads? Yeah, you’ll want to let it all ride on red, because if they aren’t redheads themselves then they are definitely in the employ of the gingers, guaranteed.

Of course, even when I turn off the TV, throw away the magazines, and burn all the copies of The Red Sonja comic books I can find, I’m not safe, because I have a redhead right here with me.

What’s worse, she is their leader…

So there you have it. Concrete proof that this is all a conspiracy cooked up by my wife and “her kind” to create an even larger “Evil Ginger Army” bent on taking over the world.

If all that’s not enough for you, then how about this little tidbit of intel – It just so happens the ERC (Evil Redhead Coalition) has their meetings right here at my house the third Friday of every month. Of course, E K locks me in the basement so I won’t discover their plans, but I eavesdrop through the air ducts, and what I’ve been hearing is pretty scary…

Evil Redheads… They’re everywhere I tell you… Everywhere…

More to come…

Murv

So… What would make a man who is on a gear down, VFR approach to 50 “squeee” like a little kid on Christmas morning? Especially when he is a guy who is completely taken aback whenever a fan “squeees” at him during a book signing?  (I even had one poor lady break down into a trembling, crying fit when she met me at a bookstore… I wasn’t sure what to make of that at all.)

Well, let me see if I can explain exactly what it takes to turn me into an instant “fan boy” without even adding water…

Those of you who read Brainpan Leakage on a regular basis are well aware of my involvement with the “Back To Frank Black” campaign, whereby we die-hard fans of the television show Millennium are trying to cajole the studio into making a movie to wrap up the series (at the very least). Because of this I have had the good fortune to be invited onto the “Millennium Group Sessions Podcast” on several occasions. First to be interviewed about my work and how my Rowan Gant novels are similar in genre to the show, and since then to be a part of the “on air” cast who discuss episodes and all things “Millennium.”

Troy Foreman and James Mclean host the show and have actually become good friends – albeit long-distance, what with one of them living on the East coast and the other in the U. K.

I know, I know, get on with it Murv… What’s up with the “squeee”?

Well, you see, in just a few hours we will be recording another episode of the Millennium Group Sessions, and I have once again been invited to be a part of this particular show. Ostensibly my invite had been to participate in a Millennium Trivia survey, which just last night I discovered to be a cunning ruse cooked up by the hosts. The only reason I found out is because I was begging off this go around due to the plethora of problems we are having over at the rental house we are rehabbing (look for another blog on that subject very soon)… However, when I sent the email Troy replied with a note telling me he had to fess up – they actually wanted me to come on the show to help them interview one of the actors from Millennium, and they had wanted it to be a surprise.

Yes, folks. In just a few short hours I will be making a big ol’  check mark on my personal “bucket list”… I am going to be chatting with Megan Gallagher.

Insert Man Squeee here…

Aww hell, I’m not proud, insert two squeees and a happy dance around my office…

In case you have been living under a rock, Ms. Gallagher portrayed Catherine Black – Frank Black’s wife – on the series. I have been a fan of her work ever since seeing her on such shows as Hill Street Blues and China Beach.

When she showed up on Millennium I was almost ecstatic.

And, as those of you who are on Myspace already know, she is listed prominently under the heading “People I’d Like To Meet” – Of course, it also states that I would probably vapor lock and babble unintelligible drivel if that ever happened. It’s probably a good thing this interview will all be done via Skype, otherwise I would most likely frighten the poor woman away.

Now, some of you may wonder why I am so smitten with Ms. Gallagher. Well, I think her photos make that obvious. However, beside the fact that she is absolutely gorgeous she is an incredible actress. The range of expression she conveys without uttering a single word simply amazes me.

And to those of you who are regular readers here, I am sure you are wondering what The Evil Redhead thinks about all of this. Well, she actually finds it amusing. Truth is, there has been a running joke between us for the 20+ years we’ve been married – If we ever parted ways, she was going to go hook up with Pierce Brosnan, and I was going to go hook up with Megan Gallagher.

For the record – E K and I are NOT parting ways – I’m way too smitten with my wife, and she doesn’t want to train another lackey –  furthermore, as noted above the bit about hooking up with celebs was a joke. We are NOT obsessed stalker types. I personally have had to deal with a couple of my own fans who have crossed that line and it’s… it’s just… well, creepy and scary.

At any rate, thanks to Troy and James I will be chatting with Megan Gallagher today…

Insert another Man Squeee here…

…So, my apologies in advance for any broken glass my incessant squeeeing may cause throughout the day.

Now, if I can just manage to get through the interview without sounding like a completely tongue-tied idiot or scaring the poor woman…

More to come…

Murv