BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Well folks, it would seem I have been tagged, gagged, bagged, and slagged… And, for once, it wasn’t E K doling it out. Actually, what I am trying to say is that it seems I have had a Blog Award bestowed upon me while I wasn’t looking. The award came from one Jodi Lee, an absolutely wonderful gal who is a book reviewer, blogger, and editor. In fact, she is also the twisted mind responsible for “Courting Morpheus,” the horror anthology for which I wrote an RGI based short.  (Rumor is there is some news about CM coming up soon. Stay tuned…)

So anyway, on with the award thing. It seems that the Honest [S]crap Blog Award is a take one and pass it along type of thing, and recipients are compelled to adhere to a set of rules. Those guidelines are as follows:

The Award and Rules:

This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.

Apparently the rules are as follows:

1. When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to the said person so everyone knows she/he is real.

2. Choose a minimum of 5 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends. Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

(There wasn’t an icon, but I think this is the same one that ‘Rhada McKai’ did a while back, so I’m snagging it…lol.)

(Note from Murv – I’m not entirely clear on the 5 vs 7 thing, so I am going to go with 5)

3. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!

And so, I have my award… As you can see, it is now proudly displayed in the Award Box in the lower portion of the sidebar… I’m misting up now… I really feel special and stuff… (sniff sniff) …

But, that’s enough with all of that emotional garbage… Time for me to stick to the rules… (This will be hard to do without E K here to enforce discipline and all, but I’m going to give it my best shot…)

Them What I Thinks Deserves This Award Too…

Well, since Jodi is the one who gave it to me, I can’t exactly return it or she’ll think I didn’t like it… Besides, she might not have kept the receipt… So, I have to smack some other folks in the head.

Dorothy Morrison (Wicked Wonderings) – Dorothy is more or less the big sister I never had. A prolific author of Pagan Non-Fiction, her first novel recently hit the shelves. We have toured together for years, seen each other at our best, seen each other at our worst, and even been deathly ill together. Pretty much like being married, but without the good part. Either way, she rants and raves like a crazy person in her blog, so it’s well worth a look. Just don’t stare at it too long or you’ll start having a taste for flies…

Kristin “Don’t Call Me Kirstin” Madden (Words From The Wild) – Kristin is another author with whom I have toured. She is pretty much like a younger sister. I actually already have one of those, but I adopted Kristin anyway. She seemed so lost without guidance that I just felt sorry for her. My bad… Ever since she and Morrison hooked up, my life has been hell… That’s what I get for being the middle child, I suppose. At any rate, her blog is often humorous and almost always ultra-interesting, as she also happens to be a Wildlife Biologist specializing in Avian Rehab…

Cherie Priest – I figure Cherie has absolutely no clue who I am, therefore having this award bestowed upon her by me is probably going to come as an utter shock, and/or elicit one of those classic expressions. However, the simple fact is that Cherie is not only a fellow author, but a downright humorous blogger. Many of her posts are replete with observational, satirical, “here’s your sign you moron” humor. More than worth the read.

Lorna Tedder (The Spiritual Eclectic) – Lorna is another good friend and author. While we haven’t actually “toured” together, we have done appearances together at the same events. Truth is, I think Lorna just might be Evil… As in Evil Kat kind of Evil… Which means, if I were to ever tour with her, Madden, and Morrison together, I would either end up in a funny farm or body bag. But, hey, what are friends for, right? Her blog is full of all kinds of goodies for the spiritual day to day.

Bitten By Books (Rachel) – Bitten By Books is probably the premiere Paranormal Genre Book Review website going today. Rachel goes out of her way to keep the site fresh and interesting with everything from new reviews to author interviews/chats and contests complete with killer prizes. If you are an avid reader of such literature, you owe it to yourself to drop by BBB and have a look.

10 Honest Crap Things About Me…

1. I honestly have no idea what to say here. I tell so much honest crap about myself in my blog to begin with that I’m not sure I have anything new to add.
2. I’m a fat guy. I struggle with my weight constantly. I have ever since around age 10 when I suddenly went from skinny as a beanpole to being a tiny little Goodyear blimp. I try to get exercise on a regular basis, although I miss a day or two here and there, and I don’t generally overeat. I’m just a fat guy.
3. I am unnaturally head over heels in love with my wife. ‘Nuff said. If I expand any further I will descend into blithering idiot speak and maybe even embarrass myself.
4. Everyone has a paraphilia, whether they admit it or not. Mine is stiletto heels. Not wearing them you dolt. Seeing my wife wearing them. I won’t expand any further. Again, blithering, embarrassment, et al.
5. I can be a real nerd sometimes.
6. I simply cannot stand Rap / Hip-Hop music. I don’t actually consider it music. I am more than happy to admit that I consider it an art form in its own right, but art is subjective, like it or not. And, when it comes to this particular art, not is the operative word where I am concerned.
7. I am horrible with names. I can most often remember minute details about a situation, or even pick up latent mannerisms or expressions on a person, and store them away in the old grey matter for what seems an eternity. But, if you ask me to remember someone’s name (unless I am around them on a regular basis, of course) I will just give you one of these –
8. I like black jellybeans. They are my favorite. I also like just plain old black licorice.
9. I’ve been told that my eyes are brown because I am full of shit. Sometimes I am inclined to agree.
10. For years, I used ace bandages and tape to hide the fact that I suffered from Asymmetrical Gynecomastia. When I was finally able to afford the corrective surgery, I had it. I feel much better about myself now.

Okay… I think all that’s left now is for me to go notify these other poor souls that I am passing the baton on to them… For the record, I think Morrison will ignore it, Madden will probably blog about it, Ms. Priest will say “WTF?” since she has no clue who I am, Lorna will make arrangements with E K to either hurt me, or have me hurt by proxy, and Rachel over at BBB will think it’s cool. Whether or not she will have time to do anything with it is another story entirely.

Regularly scheduled blogs return tomorrow morning.

More to come…

Murv

So there I was, just minding my own business. (Those of you who know me are already aware that I do that quite a bit... But, then, you are also well aware that I have a tendency to entertain myself a lot too…)

Seriously. I really was minding my own business. I wouldn’t lie about something like that…

In fact, as I recall it was around 4:45 PM and I was fixing dinner. You see, if I don’t have dinner on the table at precisely 5:30 PM when E K arrives home, well then she does horrible and terrible things to me, then sells tapes of it on the internet. But, that’s another blog, and probably really isn’t one that would be age appropriate for the younger readers. (Oh, and I’m just kidding about the tapes on the internet part. Really… I am… It was a joke…)

You know… Come to think of it, none of my blogs are really age appropriate are they? No matter what the age…

Hmm…

Be that as it may, I’ve already started so there really isn’t much I can do.  Once I begin a story I have to tell it to its conclusion or my medulla oblongata seizes up… And, as you well know if your medulla oblongata freezes up on you things can get a bit messy since it controls all those autonomic functions and such.

So anyway… There I was, minding my own business and fixing dinner, while at the same time keeping an eye on the clock and an ear out for the sound of a car in the driveway. Why? So that I would be sure to meet E K at the door with her Tall Vodka-Tonic of course. (The E K Vodka-Tonic: Five ice cubes, 1/8 of a fresh lime – squeezed over said cubes – followed by three fingers of Premium to Average Vodka, [whatever we have at the time] – straight from the freezer – And topped with Vess tonic to fill the glass within 1/4 inch of the rim. Never shaken. NEVER… Stirred only, and it must only be stirred 3 1/2 revolutions counter-clockwise with a red plastic chopstick. She’s very specific about her drinks… Or else… Well, you know…)

So… I was fixing dinner, keeping an eye on the clock, listening for a car, and preparing to slice a fresh lime just at the last moment so that it wouldn’t have too much time to oxidize and all that jazz… Like I said in the beginning, just minding my own business, and that’s when it happened.

“What happened?” you ask… I’m glad you did. If you hadn’t I might have seen another “chicken” as one of my readers says, and we’d be off down a different trail yet again… (I love that whole “chicken” reference, by the way…)

So, anyway, what happened is that the phone rang.

I realize this probably doesn’t seem like a big deal to some of you, but you see, I despise the telephone. It is there for emergencies and that’s pretty much it in my opinion. But, E K insists that we have one so we do. Hey, what can I do about it? I’m just the chef / bartender / waiter / doormat guy…

Well, since you can never be exactly sure what you might end up dealing with on the phone I put the paring knife aside and abandoned the citrus surgery for the moment, then went over to the clamoring device. The caller I D box hanging on the wall beside it read, “NOT AVAILABLE”…

Uh-huh. Yeah… Right.

It’s been my personal experience that if the number is “NOT AVAILABLE” the person at the other end is most likely a telemarketer and they have the Caller I D blocked. However, I have to admit that isn’t always the case… In something like .01% of the unavailable number type calls there’s been a malfunction of sorts and the ID box simply cannot decipher the signal. When that happens you have no idea who is at the other end. It could be a telemarketer as one would suspect… It could be Ed McMahon calling to tell you that you’ve won some kind of sweepstakes… It could be your Great Aunt Gertrude wanting to hit you up to bail her out jail after she got into a brawl at no limit Bingo… Or, it could even be E K. And, well, you don’t ignore The E K when she calls, if you know what I’m saying… I mean, after all, she could be feeling magnanimous and might be calling to let me know she’s running early, in which case I would need to hop to making that drink right away. Or, maybe that she’s running late, in which case I’d need to adjust my timing on that drink so that the ice wouldn’t be too melty… If her drink is watered down, well… You know. Last time I let that happen I was in the hospital for a week…

Therefore, all of the above was rushing through my brain as I stared at the caller I D. As you can imagine, having that much to think about all at once hurt quite a bit. But, truth be told it really didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that I needed to answer the damn thing just to be sure.

So, I did.

“Hello?” I said as I put the handset up against my ear.

The phone went click… Click… Then I heard a female voice say, “Good evening, Mister Kat?“

“Ummm, no,” I replied. “Mister Sellars.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I was trying to reach Miz Evil Kat.”

“This is her husband, can I help you?”

“Oh, good evening sir. Is your name on her [insert fancy department store name here] charge account?”

“Nope. I can’t say that it is.”

“Then I would really need to speak with her.”

“Well, I’m afraid she’s not here right now,” I replied.

At this point I really had to give this young lady an E for effort, because  this is when most telemarketers just hang up in my ear. Instead, she persevered with, “No problem. Is there a particular time that would be good to reach your wife?”

Now, I need to give you some background. You see, E K is no bigger a fan of talking on the phone than I am, which is one of the reasons I find it so perplexing that she insist we have one of the silly things. But, be that as it may, I knew damn well she wasn’t going to want to speak to this young lady about Ginseng Tea, Credit Protection that guarantees you absolutely nothing other than you have to pay for it monthly, or even a special VIP invite to  the Flying Polish Grandmothers for Pagan Babies Day sale. By the same token,  however, I certainly understood that the poor little gal on the other end of the talkie-talkie thingy was just doing her job, so I couldn’t find it in my heart to be overtly rude to her. I mean, after all, it’s not like she called during dinner, or during an episode of N C I S or something else equally unforgivable…

Still, y’all know how I am. I certainly couldn’t pass up an opportunity to entertain myself…

“Well, I’m not exactly sure,” I said cryptically, paused for effect, then added, “You see, she’s out of the country right now.”

This bubbly young telemarketer had to be new on the job because she was just too damned cheerful for her own good. Upon hearing my reply she exclaimed, “Oh, how nice! Is she on vacation?”

“Nope,” I replied. “It’s work related. At least, I think it is.”

She fell silent for a second. Now I really had her curiosity piqued, “Uhm… Uh… You think it is?” she finally ventured.

“Yeah,” I replied with an audible shrug in my voice. “She really isn’t allowed to tell me anything about what she’s doing until after the fact. And sometimes not even then. It all just depends on how classified it is.”

“Classified?” she repeated, her voice brimming over with confusion.

“Well yeah, it’s all kind of hush hush you know,” I said, lining up the sights so I could move in for the kill. “For instance, sometimes it’s just something simple like stealing sensitive documents from a hostile country and  bringing them back to the United States, and other times it’s a little more involved… Like assassinating some whacked out dictator who’s trying to get his hands on a nuclear missile or something… I never really know what she’s been up to until she turns up back here at home.”

“I’m sorry…” she said, her voice taking on an incredulous tone. “I thought I just heard you say, assassinate?”

“You did,” I answered in earnest. “Killing people is her specialty. In fact, I once saw her  take out 11 really bad ass guys in a biker bar with nothing but her high heels, a piece of chewing gum, and a used cocktail napkin – and she did it all by herself… No help at all… Took her less than a minute… Of course, I had to buy her a new pair of shoes afterward because she couldn’t get the blood stains out of the leather… But, I’m here to tell you it was just plain amazing to watch. She’s like the female MacGyver of assassination or something. Around the office they just call her MacBitchver. The funny thing is, she actually does carry a Swiss Army Knife in her purse. Is that ironic or what?”

A stunned silence filled the earpiece. The only thing that surprised me about it was that the young woman hadn’t yet hung up in my ear.

Since I still had an audience, I continued. “Oh, please don’t misunderstand. She doesn’t just go around killing people without permission. She’s a deep cover operative for the N S A and it’s her job. She actually has a license to kill and a permit to torture. It even has her picture on it so she can use it as a government issued I D in the security line at the airport, which is kinda cool because they rush her right through and all. Of course, ever since nine-eleven they’ve kept her pretty busy doing… Well… You know… Whatever needs to be done to keep the country safe, if you get my meaning.”

I could still hear the young woman breathing at the other end of the phone, but a quick glance at the clock told me it was getting close to time for me to pull the vodka out of the freezer in preparation for the Femme Fatale in question’s arrival.

In a bid to wrap things up I added, “But, you know, if I happen to hear from her in between ops or something, I’ll be glad to let her know you called…”

“Uhm,” the girl finally said. “So, you don’t know when she’s going to be back in the country?”

Obviously, I had a live one on the other end and I had to stifle a laugh. Adopting as serious a tone as I could manage I replied, “Nope… I really never know until she just shows up here at home. But as long as I haven’t received one of those letters telling me she’s been disavowed and all that jazz,  I just make sure I don’t give away any of her stuff and we’re all good.”

I’m fairly certain we’ve never had another call from that particular outfit… If we eventually do, I’ll be sure to let double naught E Kay loose on them.  I’ll just make sure I have a drink waiting for her when she gets back from her secret mission… Of course, after she’s had to go all Jack (Jacquelyn?) Bauer on folks, she usually wants a Cranberry Martini instead of the old standby Vodka-Tonic…

…But she absolutely insists that those be shaken, not stirred…

More to come…

Murv

(… PS. In case you didn’t notice the scrolling info on the embedded player, and you are wracking your brain trying to place the origin of the Secret Agent Evil Kat Theme Song, it’s the main title music from The Girl From U.N.C.L.E*… [Composed by the late Jerry Goldsmith and arranged by Dave Grusin]… Of course, if you’re an old fart like me, you probably already knew that. Or knew it, forgot it, and needed a memory jog. Either way, there you have it.)

* U.N.C.L.E. – United Network Command for Law and Enforcement

(Yeah… I’m a geek. Wanna make something of it? Just remember, I’ll tell E K and you really don’t want me to have to take her shoe shopping again… )