BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

At first glance one might think I am talking about a bygone birthday. In my case, it would definitely be a “reflection” because 30 has been shrinking in my rear-view mirror for quite some time. In fact, I’m relatively certain by this point it has disappeared over the horizon, because I have very little recollection of it, save for the “sexy nurse” singing telegram my wife sent me – not stripper mind you, it was a singing telegram.

And the reason it sticks out in my mind is that E K, in her infinite evilness, sent her to my place of employment for maximum embarrassment. She’s kinda like that, as I’m sure you’ve already surmised.

But, first glance isn’t what I am talking about today. I’m actually talking about -30- as in the editor’s symbol meaning “The End”… “Fin”… Over… That’s all she wrote… Stick a fork in it, I’m done.

Yes, the good ol’ -30- is a “symbol” that denotes to an editor that there a no more pages. The end has been reached. And, it is something I type at the end of every manuscript.

Now, in this day and age, you will find agents out there who are so full of themselves that they issue stringent guidelines about this practice. I actually read an agent’s submission guidelines and he had such a stick up his bung hole that he literally stated he would automatically reject anything with a -30- at the end because he “should be able to tell where the end was without any help. And, if he couldn’t, then you obviously don’t know how to write.“

I think this particular agent has control issues and was probably spanked too hard when he was a kid. Or, maybe his wife slaps him around and he doesn’t know how to cope with it. Who the hell really knows? All I can say is, dude, get over yourself. You probably need to be on anti-psychotics, but who am I to say. I’m not a doctor. I just write books for a living, so what do I know, especially when it comes to something like putting a 30 at the end of a manuscript?

But, I suppose you may wonder, “Why 30?”

Well, I have no clue. I seem to recall hearing the story once upon a time, but years and alcohol have relegated it to a filing cabinet I am unable to locate. Suffice it to say, I learned a long, long time ago, that I was supposed to put a -30-, or even a 30 in a circle, at the end of my copy before I turned it in. This was taught to me by Martha Ackmann, my Journalism teacher, about whom I have waxed nostalgic in the past.

Now, it is entirely possible that they don’t teach kids to do this anymore. I haven’t been in a Journalism class in nigh on to 26 years now. Things change… I know this. However, the fact remains that the -30- is something I not only learned, but it became so ingrained that it eventually morphed into a major part of my writing ritual. Without it, I feel unfinished. Incomplete. Without end.

Literally. And, yes, maybe even a bit literarily too.

Now, this is not to say that I write -30- at the end of my to-do list,  grocery list, or sappy love notes I leave for the Evil Redhead (which reminds me, I’m probably due to scribble one of those to stuff into her lunchbox…) However, at the end of any and all of my manuscripts, novelettes, short stories, articles, or any other writing project, I most definitely do. Once I have done that, I can move on to the next part of the ritual – a glass of scotch and a really good cigar while sitting on my porch swing.

But, now that the -30- is typed, the scotch is imbibed, and the cigar is nothing more than smoke & ashes, what happens?

Well, I’m afraid that’s a story for the next blog entry…

More to come…

Murv

-30-

If you follow me on Twitter, you already know that sometime early Thursday morning 4/2, I lamented the fact that according to the national weather service, a blizzard is supposed to hit Wayne, NE this weekend. Why would I worry about a blizzard in Wayne, NE? Well, because as I write this I am sitting on the floor outside my gate at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, on my way to Wayne… Now, I won’t be able to actually post this until I arrive at my destination (via Sioux City, IA BTW – Airport code SUX… yeah, no kidding.) I can’t post this yet because it seems that airports have done away with free wi-fi and are now charging 8 bucks for a couple of hours. I don’t need it that bad… What I need is a Crackberry….

Either way, I had intended to tweet along, letting y’all know what was going on as I embarked on this odyssey to be Guest of Honor at WillyCon XI, the Wayne State College SF/Fantasy convention. However, I have obviously been thwarted in that respect.

So…This first leg of my journey will be compressed here as a randomly entered journal of pseudo tweets… My personal hashtag for this will be #fuckme… I will also be adding psuedo tweets from others who had a direct influence on my trip, but didn’t even know they were tweeting:

@mrsellars – Fuck me. Lambert airport is charging for Wi-Fi. No tweets till I make it to Minneapolis.

@mrsellars – Why is the turbine on the left engine going whocka-whocka-whocka-thumpa-whap?

@mrsellars – How many hamsters does it take to make that turbine turn so fast?

@flight_attendant – We use guinea pigs on this plane.

@mrsellars – Okay, I’ll bite. How many guinea pigs?

@flight_attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.

@flight_attendant_#2 – Wah wah wah, nah wahm nah wah…nom.

@mrsellars – Damn… She sounds like the adults on a Charlie Brown cartoon.

@flight_attendant – Coffee?

@mrsellars – Yes, please.

@mrsellars – Roller coaster turbulence over Iowa. My theory? Rising gases from a cloud of cow farts.

@mrsellars – May I have some more coffee?

@flight_attendant – I think you’ve had quite enough sir.

@mrsellars – On ground in Minneapolis. Texted E K. Now sitting and waiting for gate to be free.

@mrsellars – Damn! The universe apparently knows I missed my morning walk. Arrived gate F12 – connection at gate A11. Walkies!

@mrsellars – Still 3 hours before I can board egg beater express bound for Sioux City. ½ cup of Fiber One at 6AM now wearing off. Need food.

@mrsellars – Nothing here. Food court ½ mile back the way I came. Walkies!

@mrsellars – Quizno’s line around block. Employees moving in slow motion. Stomach not happy.

@mrsellars – Caribou coffee across the way. Going there.

@mrsellars – Consumed not so stellar 2 dollar roast turkey wrap with 1 dollar 11 oz beverage that had blue green algae in it. Total cost $11.05.

@mrsellars – Floor show during lunch. Captain Important paced back and forth in front of me yelling into his bluetooth headset. Impressive.

@mrsellars – Walkies! Now back at gate. No seats available. Crap. I’ll sit over here on the floor.

@mrsellars – Okay. Now I’ll tweet for a bit.

@mrsellars – FUCK ME! Minneapolis charges for Wi-Fi too!

@mrsellars – Fuggit. I’ll write it on word and post it as a blog later.

@mrsellars – Damn! How far up do her legs go? Interesting view from down here on the floor.

@mrsellars – Shit (or :poopie: for the Bitten by Books chatroom crowd.) My foot fell asleep.

@mrsellars – Aha! People going to Ohio are boarding. Now’s my chance for a seat in the waiting area.

@mrsellars – Missing my desk chair. It’s a hell of a lot more comfortable than this one.

@Gate_Attendant – Sir… Sir! Are you on this flight to Ohio?

@mrsellars – no ma’am.

@Gate_Attendant – Are you sure?

@mrsellars – Well, no, I don’t guess I am. I just told your ticket agent to give me a boarding pass for a random flight. Maybe I should look.

@Gate_Attendant – Why are you wearing shorts? It’s 30 degrees outside.

@mrsellars – It’s complicated. You see, I have a condition.

@Blond_Gate_Agent – Yah…Yah…I doo, don’tcha know…Yah…

@Original_Gate_Agent – Yah, yah… I doo too, yah’know… Yew betcha…

@mrsellars – Yep. I’m definitely in Minnesota.

@mrsellars – Holy crap… I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much “A Prairie Home Companion” hair all in one place my entire life.

@mrsellars – I didn’t even know they could still do those hairstyles. I wonder how many curlers they used on that one…

@mrsellars – They just started up one of the egg beaters. I can still identify individual blades on the prop even though the engine is screaming like a banshee.

@mrsellars – Wait… I can see the pilot through the windscreen…

@mrsellars – Reading the pilot’s lips – I think I can, I think I can…

@mrsellars – Might need to go back for coffee. Another ½ mile. Getting workout today.

@mrsellars – I haz a headache. Battery on notebook running low. Might need to find an outlet.

@mrsellars – Went about ¼ mile. Came across machine that sells coffee for a dollar. Decided to give it a try.

@mrsellars – Punched in 1 F 3 for what was supposed to be a Butterfinger Latte.

@mrsellars – Got 6 F 6 instead – year old pencil shavings strained through one of E Kay’s stockings with lukewarm water and a hint of rancid honey.

@mrsellars – Don’t ask me how I know what E Kay’s stockings taste like. I won’t tell you.

@mrsellars – How far is it from F12 to A11?

@Another_Gate_Agent – A little over two miles.

@mrsellars – Srsly?

@Another_Gate_Agent – Yah.

@mrsellars – Yep. Got my exercise.

@cellphone – Boopee Doopee Doopee Dooooo Ahhhh Boopee…

@mrsellars – Hello?

@EK – Hi.

[Rest of conversation censored due to graphic depictions of @mrsellars imagination along with sappy woodja-woodja lovey stuff…]

@mrsellars – Still have headache. Took aspirin. Noticed that people in Minnesota have apparently never seen a man wearing shorts before.

@mrsellars – Another hour plus left before the egg beater express flits me off to Sioux City. Hear they have Fly SUX T-shirts for sale. MUST have one…

@mrsellars – Srsly. It’s a moral imperative.

@mrsellars – Gate change. Oh joy… Not.

@mrsellars – Apparently Minnesotans are also AFRAID to SPEAK to a man wearing shorts.

@mrsellars – Thought I just saw Maurice Minnifield from Northern Exposure…

@mrsellars – No, not the actor. The REAL Maurice Minnifield…

@mrsellars – Damn! Rest of the passengers caught on to the gate change, and followed me over here. So much for a peaceful flight.

@mrsellars – Imagining E K wearing [CENSORED]

@mrsellars – {Bored Sigh}

@mrsellars – Wondering if @PaulCooked ever got that badger off his head…

@mrsellars – Pretty sure I just saw Kenny Rogers working on the ground crew. Must be paying off “Gambler” debts. (Ha! I kill me!)

@mrsellars – Guy with HUGE ASS headphones staring at me. Kinda freaky.

@mrsellars – Egg beater express got upgraded. Now flying on Estes model rocket. Hope the nose cone doesn’t suddenly fall off. Don’t wanna land using a plastic parachute.

@passenger – I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

@mrsellars – Okay, but the flight is only half full and the flight attendant said sit anywhere you want.

@passenger – My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

@mrsellars – Are you just dying to sit next to me or something?

@passenger – But… But… My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

@mrsellars – Okay, “Sheldon”, how about if I move and let you have that seat.

@passenger – But, but… Doesn’t your ticket say you are supposed to sit here?

@mrsellars – No, “Sheldon”… My ticket says general seating. It’ll be okay…

@Flight_Attendant – Coffee?

@mrsellars – Yes, please.

@Flight_Attendant – Cream and sugar?

@mrsellars – Is the coffee really THAT bad?

@Flight_Attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.

And, now I’m here, and life is getting back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be for an old guy on a college campus, anyway…

More to come…

Murv