BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

So, I finally wore out my Sunday Go Ta’ Meetin’ Reeboks.

I’m a little disappointed, but I can’t really complain. After all, I managed to get better than four years out of them. I bought them on sale at a Sports Authority in Virginia of all places. Just outside of DC, as a matter of fact. I was on tour with Morrison, and after two days of standing around bookstores in my dress shoes, my feet were killing me. I knew why, of course. It was because I had bought an unbelievably cheap pair of dress shoes with no arch support whatsoever. I’d never worn them for more than a few hours at a time, so it wasn’t that big a deal. But now, I was doing some long stints on my feet and they were doing me in. I considered getting some insoles – but I’d tried them in the past and all they managed to do was make me hurt more. So, on one of our rare mornings off, when Morrison needed to run to the office supply store, I tagged along and hit the Sports Authority next door. Twenty minutes later I had a stylish pair of black Reeboks that had been ON SALE (I mention that because E K likes it when I buy things on sale), and my dawgz were feeling much better.

But, like I said, I finally killed them. The sole pulled away from the upper on one of them, and shoe glue just wasn’t doing it. They’ll work for knocking around in the yard and such, but not for Sunday Go Ta’ Meetin’ like before.

So, I went out shopping for some new shoes while we were on a “household supply run.” After checking out the on-sale Reeboks that looked like some kind of plastic & Velcro Stormtrooper shoe from Star Wars and deciding that I wasn’t interested in looking ridiculous, I wandered down another aisle. I was futzing about with some Reebok knockoffs that looked much like the pair I was aiming to replace, when E K said, “Come here, lackey!”

Well, even when you are in the middle of a store with folks all around, if E K gives you an order you follow it, lest she beat you to death right there in public. And, she’ll get away with it too. Trust me. But, well, you know… digressing and all that…

So, I dropped everything and rushed down to the end of the aisle where E K was waiting and panted, “Yes, Mistress. What may I do to serve you, Mistress?”

Quite a few women who were in the general vicinity reached out and slapped their husbands to get their attention, then pointed at me and announced, “See? HE knows how to behave.” Of course, the husbands just glared at me, but I’m used to that by now.

E K finished reading an information card attached to a pair of shoes, then handed them to me and said, “Here, lackey. Try these on.”

I looked at the shoes in the box she had handed me, then I looked at her. Then I looked at the shoes in the box she had handed me, and then I looked at her.

“Well? What are you waiting for?” she hissed and snapped her fingers. “Chop chop!”

What she had selected for me were “Therashoes“… No, not Theraflu, THERASHOES… The problem is, they looked exactly like something Herman Munster would wear. Seriously. I would not lie about something like that. But, Her Supreme Worship was glaring at me, and all of the other wives were holding their husbands by the ear and making them watch how obedient a lackey I happened to be, therefore I had very little choice.

I tried them on.

I walked around for a minute.

I almost fell down 72 times in the span of 60 seconds.

You see, not only do “Therashoes” have a platform sole like Herman Munster footwear, said sole is shaped like a rocker on a rocking chair. Again, no kidding. I wouldn’t lie about this. You can see it just a little bit in the picture, but believe me, that doesn’t do it justice. These things have as much curve as a freaking basketball (see cross section below).

I guarantee you it is easier to walk in stiletto heels – and, I’m sure you are wondering how I could possibly say that with any authority. Well, because I have walked in stiletto heels. No, not because E K makes me dress up like a French Maid and wait on her… Well… Not lately anyway… But, because in my youth I went to a costume party in drag on a dare/bet. BTW, I looked damn good and I won the bet. I certainly couldn’t pull it off now; besides, the costume was long gone, long ago. It just didn’t go with the rest of my wardrobe…

But, back to the shoes… In the end, E K decided these were the clodhoppers I needed to have. I wore them for about six hours today and I now feel like I have been hobbled by Kathy Bates wielding a sledgehammer.

It took me a few hours, but I finally figured it out. These things were designed by a Dominatrix – hell, probably by E K and the Redhead Collective – as a type of bizarre bondage gear in order to keep men from escaping during torture. I’m certain of this, because I’m here to tell you, wearing these damn things I can’t even run away from a toddler…

I can, however, pitch back and forth like a rocking horse.

More to come…

Murv

Yeah, okay, so it’s not exactly frightful just yet, but it is well on its way to being just that. However, here in Saint Louis it has been chilly, a bit damp, and all around blustery. And, when the temperatures fall, the wind blows, and cold water falls out of the sky, it is time for certain comfort foods to make it all bearable. As I’ve outlined in previous blogs, the kitchen in our home is my purview and the responsibility of putting said comfort foods on the table falls squarely upon me.

Of course, you all know that task comes with an added twist – I also have to make sure that the comfort food meets with Her Grand Exalted Highness Evil Kat’s expectations, lest I be chained up in the basement and ruthlessly tortured with garden tools and the like.

Fortunately for me, there are a few comfort foods that actually make the evil redhead almost crack a smile. Not quite, but almost.

I’ve discovered her favorites through trial and error – sometimes more error than trial, because E K doesn’t give you an opportunity to defend yourself. She just punishes you until you get it right, so I still have a few scars. But, these days I usually get beat for something besides my cooking.

So, in case you have an Evil Redhead, Wicked Blonde, or Badass Brunette you need to please, or if you are just looking for some quick – or sometimes not so quick – recipes for comfort foods to drive the cold winter away, I might be able to help. Yeah… Just for fun I thought maybe I’d share a few of E Kay’s faves with you over the course of the next couple of months.

And, just because I can – and because it’s been chilly – I’m going to start with one of the tops on her list, that being, of course, Chili.

Now, before I get into the recipe proper I need to clarify a couple of things:

1. Chili purists will tell you this isn’t really chili because it has beans in it. E K will not consume chili that does not have beans in it. I am not about to argue with her about that, as I value my life too much. Besides, the basement is cold, damp, and no one can hear you scream, except E K…
2. My good buddy Dorothy Morrison will tell you this isn’t really chili because it has BLACK beans and corn in it. To this day I have no clue what black beans and corn did to get on her bad side, but let me tell you – don’t ever, and I mean ever, mention black beans and corn  in the same sentence around her. Same thing goes for sun dried tomatoes. The resulting rant is well… just plain scary. 😉
3. Finally, I am going out on a limb and making the assumption that if you try this at home you already know your way around the kitchen so I’m not going to teach you how to cook here, just give you a recipe.

So, on with said recipe…

Chili E Kay’s Way

A Midwestern Style Chili To Soothe An Evil Redhead

(Prep time: 10 min – Cooking time: 20 min – Serves 4 to 6)

Ingredients:

1 lb Ground Turkey (Can use Ground Beef if desired)

3/4 Cup Frozen Yellow Corn Kernels

1 Can (14.5 oz) Diced Tomatoes

2 Cans (14.5 oz each) Black Beans, Drained

1 Large Yellow Onion, Chopped (Coarse or Fine, your preference)

2 Tbsps Finely Chopped Jalapeño Pepper

4 Tbsps Finely Chopped Pickled Sweet Banana Peppers

3 Tbsp Vinegar (From Sweet Pickled Peppers)

Seasoning:

1 1/2 Tbsp Chili Powder

1 Tbsp Paprika

2 tsp Cumin

1 Tbsp Raw Sugar (AKA Turbinado Sugar)

1 1/2 tsp Ground Cinnamon

1 Tbsp Ground Banana Pepper Flakes

1 Tbsp Ground Mild Chili Pepper Flakes

Preparation:

Personally, I prepare this dish in a large, stainless steel skillet, but then I do quite a bit of my cooking in a skillet – be it stainless steel, cast iron, Calphalon, or Chantal, as I have all of the above.

Start by combining all of the seasonings in a small bowl and mixing them well – set aside. Then, chop the peppers and onions and generally do your prep work, of course.

Begin the E Kay’s Chili by browning the ground turkey. If you elect to use ground beef instead, after browning drain the grease before continuing. Once the meat is browned, reduce heat then add all of the chopped peppers and onions. Sweat peppers and onions with browned meat until slightly translucent, raise heat and add vinegar. This will allow you to deglaze the pan. Add the spice mixture set aside earlier and mix throughout. Add frozen corn kernels and canned tomatoes (with liquid) and stir together. Reduce heat and simmer 5 to 10 minutes. Add drained black beans and mix well. Simmer until beans are heated through.

Serve hot with shredded cheese (Colby-Jack is E Kay’s preference) and a dollop of sour cream.

Some points of note – I transfer the finished chili into a casserole dish when it is done in order to make it easier to serve.

You will also notice that there really isn’t much fire behind this chili – that’s pretty much because E K is as hot as it gets so she doesn’t need any more heat. However, if you are like me you might want to spice it up a bit. I embellish mine “in the bowl” with added Jalapeño Peppers and some of my homemade hot salsa. If I’m really in the mood for hot (other than E K, of course) I’ll toss a little ground Habanero in there too. You can certainly increase the “heat” skillet side for the whole batch should you so desire.

Finally, the ground mild chili pepper flakes and ground sweet banana pepper flakes could be a minor issue for some of you, as in having them on hand. I garden, and have friends who garden, so I tend to dry and grind such items myself. However, you can easily find the above dried peppers in the ethnic foods section of your local grocery store, and a quick spin in a coffee grinder – everyone has a coffee grinder specifically for their spices, correct? – will render them to the state required. Just be warned, they are usually sold in large packages, and while not very expensive, you will end up with quite a few dried peppers on hand.

And there you have it… Chili E Kay’s Way. I even came up with a catchy slogan in case I ever want to market it…

“It’s good to eat, and you won’t get beat…”

More to come…

Murv