BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Yep, it appears that it is once again time for a FAQ answer session filled with FAQ’s and “not so FAQ’s” that are asked a bit more rarely. A few of these are pretty normal questions – exactly the kind you would expect. However, some of these queries are a bit on the odd side. Still, the one thing they all have in common is that they have actually been asked at least once, and in many cases more than once.

True story…

And, you know, I have a strange feeling I’ve answered some of these before… So, since some of them are “Not So F A FAQ’s” with a bit of a weird bent,  I think maybe I’ll answer them with “Not So Answer Answers” and my tongue planted firmly in cheek.

1. What is your safe word?

I’m not entirely sure what makes you think I have one. I mean, what good would it do? E K doesn’t respond to such things.

2. How many more Rowan Gant novels will there be? (This one really is frequently asked, but it bears repeating at this juncture.)

I’ve always said that when people stop buying them I’ll stop writing them. Well, with that statement in mind I’ll give you the only answer I can – Let’s hope the economy and book sales pick up soon or the end of the RGI series will be wayyyyy sooner than I’d like.

3. What is E Kay’s shoe size?

So, what’s your story here? Retifism, Podophilia, or since they go hand in hand a combination thereof? Or should I say foot in foot? Foot in hand? Foot in mouth? Hell, I give up…

In any case, I’ll let you ask her that yourself, and you’d best be prepared to tell her why you want to know. If it’s an innocuous reason – though I’m not entirely sure what that would be, unless maybe you are wanting to give her free shoes or something – then all good. If not, then I want to be present so I can see her go ballistic on someone besides me for a change, whereupon you  just might get the answer to your question when you are finally able to dislodge her shoe from darker regions of your person. Of course, maybe that’s what you are trying to accomplish and well… good luck with that.

4. Do you really cut your own grass?

Nope. Not really. The magical garden gnomes from the land of Zoysia do it with the golden scissors of Fescue…

Of course I mow my own lawn. (ROFL!) Who else is going to do it?

However, if that question was some kind of metaphor, then it doesn’t even apply. Not my thing.

5. I’m an amateur filmmaker. Can I have permission to make the Rowan Gant novels into movies?

Are you going to sell the movies? Are you going to publicly display the movies? There are tons of questions that go along with such things. Better you ask my publisher. They handle the legal stuff.

6. How long have you and Dorothy Morrison been married?

Well, let’s see… As of 10/31/09 E K and I have been officially married 22 years.

Morrison has been married to her husband, Mark, for something on the order of 10 or 11 years I think, but you’d have to ask her to be sure.

Oh, you mean you thought we were married to each other? Nope.

7. Will you tell your publisher to publish my book?

Are you kidding? They don’t listen to me. Next question.

8. Are you Wiccan? (Another frequent query)

No. I studied Wicca for many, many years and at one time self-identified as Pagan, though I no longer do that either. I actually self-identify as a Secular Humanist with Pagan roots who does NOT deny that magic can work. Try fitting that one in the “religion declared” box on a hospital admission form. You have to write really small.

9. How long did it take you to learn Gaelic so you could write Felicity’s dialogue?

Forever. Studying day in, day out. Long nights. Weekends. It was grueling…

Truth is, I don’t know Gaelic. What little I do actually “know” I cannot pronounce to save my life. However,  I do have English to Gaelic dictionaries, phrase books, and more importantly, Anastasia – who does know Gaelic – to help me translate Felicity’s “excited / agitated” dialogue.

10. I heard M. R. Sellars is actually dead and that his books are being released posthumously by his children, and that you are just a shill for the family. Is that true?

You caught me. I’m not actually M. R. Sellars. I’m a paid actor and my real name is Buck Nekkid, wanna see my SAG card?

Sheesh… Are you kidding me?

It amazes me that this rumor is still circulating. Okay, for the umpteen-hundredth time:

My father, M. R. Sellars SENIOR – who never, ever wrote a book – passed away in 2003.

I, M. R. Sellars JUNIOR – the guy who writes the books – am still alive.

Also, I have a child, not children, and she’s only 10. So, in short, no. It’s not true. It’s false.

11. Why a female serial killer? That’s not right. Women shouldn’t kill men. It goes against the natural order of things.

Dude… People shouldn’t kill, period. But, it happens. And,  in my experience, women probably have way more valid reasons to kill men than the other way around. Do yourself a favor though. Don’t ask that question around E K or you might end up being a statistic. Oh, and from the implications behind the question (and the missive surrounding the question, which I am not reprinting here) you appear to have a bit of a misogynistic streak.  You might want to consult a therapist about that…

12. What ever happened with Fuddrucker’s and that blog you wrote about the bad burger in Detroit?

They were actually very nice and tried to make good on it. Unfortunately, I thought the gift card they were going to send me was for their restaurant and that I’d be able to use it while traveling. Instead, for some odd reason, they sent me a gift card to Wal-Mart. As many of you well know – or perhaps not and maybe I should blog about it sometime – E K will NOT allow me to shop at Wal-Mart. She is militantly ANTI-Wal-Mart… Bumper sticker and all…

So, I gave it to a friend who lives far enough away so as to be out of the E K Zone, and therefore he cannot be subjected to the Eebil Stare, etc…

13. I/we would like to invite you to XYZ event in ABC-Town.

Thank you. I appreciate the invitation. While I do some of my own booking, most of it is handled by my publicists. You can contact them via email at – S_Mccoy@sbcclobal.net or Wendy@willowtreepress.com. Either one of them can set things up as well as send you a copy of my event contract outlining my requirements for travel, lodging, and compensation. Just a quick note – my schedule can tend to fill up fast so book early. You may also wish to check my schedule on my website first, but please note – just because a date has not yet been scheduled on that page does not mean it is guaranteed to be free.

14. I am having trouble with this/that/who/what/when and I need you to give me a spell.

I am sincerely sorry that you are having issues with someone or something. You have my deepest sympathies, as I deal with my own issues in my own life as well. That said, and this is probably going to sound harsh, but there’s no way around that – No, I am not going to “give you a spell.”

Here’s the deal: I write fiction novels about a Witch. I do NOT write “how-to” books about magic and Witchcraft. However, even if I did write non-fiction that would not mean I had hung out a shingle purporting myself to be the spell merchant of the Internet.

Yes, I have a rich and diverse background in Earth Based and Magical/Magickal Spirituality, however, just because I write a series of fiction novels featuring such and present a workshop or two on the subject at events, this does not make me your local “Magical Pharmacist” who dispenses spells and charms as if they were generic pain pills and antidepressants.

If you wish to play around with or  better yet, seriously practice Witchcraft, Hoodoo, or any other magical system out there, I would highly suggest you purchase a non-fiction book on the subject and read it beginning to end. There are a enormous number of absolutely fantastic authors out there who write just such tomes, and I even have several of their works on the shelves here in the office for reference myself.

15. You blogged (Hypersonic Man Squee!) that you were going to be on a podcast with, and get to speak to, your all time favorite actress, Megan Gallagher. How did that go?

Ms. Gallagher was absolutely lovely, and I do mean lovely. Down to earth, personable, funny, and an absolute joy to speak with and listen to.

Me, however… I did just what I feared I would do and had even stated on my Myspace page that I would likely do – I went completely fan boy on the poor woman, and blithered like a total idiot. Fortunately, thanks to some absolutely superb editing by the techie co-host of the Millennium Group Sessions, Troy Foreman, I sounded halfway reasonable on the final version of the show that is actually available for download- but only halfway. A good 20 minutes (best guess) of me gushing, rambling, and making a fool of myself ended up in the trash bin (or, more likely made into a “blooper reel” so that Troy and James can play it back and laugh at me. Trust me, I don’t blame them. I would laugh at me too if I wasn’t completely mortified.)

And, if I had to guess I’d say Ms. Gallagher probably hung up the phone  at the end of the interview then immediately contacted the authorities to have an ex parte restraining order sworn out against me. I don’t blame her either. While I am perfectly harmless – and, moreover, painfully embarrassed by my descent into unbridled fannishness – she has no way of knowing that.

If there is a benevolent deity out there somewhere (besides E K, what with her not being all that benevolent, as we well know) it is my sincere hope that I am smiled upon and never have occasion to run into Ms. Gallagher at an S/F Con where I might be appearing, or anywhere else for that matter. If I do, I can guarantee you I won’t have an opportunity to go fan boy again, because I will die right there on the spot, a victim of a massive coronary brought on by my own abject embarrassment over what a complete and utter moron I was during the recording of the interview.

Sounds like it went pretty well, eh?

Okay… That’s about all I can take for this episode. Keep the questions coming and I’ll keep making up crap to answer them.

Seriously. If you have a question email it to me. You just might end up in a blog…

More to come…

Murv

I’ve designated this entry “Part 1” because Hell Week Part 2 begins tomorrow morning at 9 AM.

By way of making a long story semi short for those of you who have only been following the bouncing blog for a short time, back in 2003 my father passed away very unexpectedly. His estate was split between my sister and me as outlined in the will. However, a part of that estate was his house in Saint Louis which was occupied by an extended family member, and due to a handshake deal with said tenant we were unable to sell the house. Unfortunately, at the same time there was also no income whatsoever from the house due to the same handshake deal.

Never make a handshake deal. That’s all I have to say on that subject.

At any rate, eventually the extended family tenant moved out. Unfortunately, in the midst of this move the finished basement ended up flooded into oblivion making it necessary for me and 16 of my closest friends to completely gut the lower level of the house, right down to the bare cement walls.

There was plenty of other damage to the house that we had been unable to repair due to restricted access while the tenant was living there, so we have been slowly but surely working on the house getting it ready for rental. You may or may not have seen some of my tweets about yard work, cutting down trees, cleaning, repairs, etc.

Well, in recent days, if you have been following me on Facebook and/or Twitter, you have almost certainly seen me lamenting my age, physical condition, and general muscle soreness over one of the major repair projects at the inherited property we affectionately call “Hell House.”

During this I took several pics with my cell phone, and as promised I am posting a few of them here. What you will see is only about half the work we did because I forgot to photograph the trenches and drainage system we installed.

At any rate, here you have Hell Week At Hell House, Part 1 (Yes, Part 2 will be forthcoming…)

Day 1 – Tuesday 9/8 – We thought we were 20 years old again. We went at it gangbusters, as if we could do anything…

After installing new pipes, GFI outlets, outlet covers, and valves on the sump well in the front of the house we elected to begin work on the massive project of repair on the rear sump. Upon inspection it was obvious that the concrete stairs and pad needed to come out and that a new sump well needed to be dug.

(Left – My contractor buddy Steve going at the concrete pad with a jackhammer. I had already been on the stairs with a sledge.)

Day 2 – Wednesday 9/9 – Muscles we didn’t remember having were complaining. On this day we decided we were 40 years old, which was still younger than we actually are, so that’s a good thing.

Finished jackhammering out the stairs and pad, then dug hole for 20 gallon sump well. I am fairly certain that we made it all the way to New Zealand. Also dug hole on other side of retaining wall in order to connect drainage pipes to the sump.

(Right – Well installed and leveled. Wiring run set in place. Preparing to install pipes so concrete pad can be poured.)

Day 3 – Thursday 9/10 – Aches now have aches. We reached a conclusion… We were no longer 20 or even 40. We felt pretty much like we were 60. Not good, because chronologically in real life we were still younger than that.

(Left – Pad poured) We were happy campers. You can see the form set up in the 12×12 access hole for the sump well. A metal grate was set into place and recessed so that it wouldn’t be a hazard, but was installed on a lip so as to be removable for cleaning and maintenance (or eventual replacement) of the pump itself.

Day 4 – Friday 9/11 – We arrived at the house ready to work. We looked at one another and immediately knew that we had aged 20 years overnight. We were now feeling every bit of 80 years old, and moving like it too. But, there was still work to be done and we jumped into it as hard as our now ancient bodies would allow.

(Right – Other hole to New Zealand on the other side of the retaining wall)

We finished connecting all the pipes throughout the various trenches in the yard, then back filled with chat and dirt. Once the pad had cured a bit we ran a hose into the sump well and tested the operation of our handiwork – Both for satisfaction of curiosity and to be able to properly adjust the sump pump float switch. Then, we cut, assembled, and installed the stair forms. By the time that was finished it was Beer-thirty (5 PM) and we knocked off work early since it was a Friday. Still, we ended up tinkering with smaller projects that could be accomplished with a beer in one hand until much later that evening.

Day 5 – Saturday 9/12 – We were now 120 years old, and felt every bit of it. But, the end (sort of) was in sight. A buddy from KC, Duane Marshall, drove into town to help out. We mixed concrete until we couldn’t move anymore, and managed to pour the stairs.

(Left – Freshly poured stairs with forms in place)

And, what would a Brainpan Leakage entry be without an appearance by Evil Kat… Well, you see, while unloading the extra bags of concrete, Duane (who is always getting himself in trouble with E K anyway) accidentally knocked a brick off the top of the retaining wall and it plummeted into the freshly smoothed stairs just about the time Steve was standing back and inspecting his work. It was like a scene right out of the Three Stooges. Duane apologized profusely, and after all, it was just an accident. Steve took it all in stride and fixed the stairs post haste. However, we couldn’t help ourselves. We had to tell the Evil Redhead. As it happened, when we arrived back home and relayed the story to her she happened to be holding a wire coat hanger. What happened next was… Well, let’s just say that Duane ended up doing a lot of standing because he had some soreness issues when it came to sitting.

Day 6 – Sunday 9/13 – The shortest day of the job thus far, and it was a good one. Steve and I were both actually feeling like we were 50 again, which is pretty close to our actual ages. If we continue the backward trend and settle in at around 40, we’re good with that.

We removed the forms, cleaned up the stairs, and did a bit of touch up work before calling it quits for the rest of the weekend.

(Right – “Green” stairs right after removing forms and doing touch up. You can see the metal grate mentioned earlier in place on the lower pad. The landing at the top of the stairs is the original and slopes toward the yard to direct runoff away from the stairwell which is why it looks uneven. )

And there you have it… We start Hell Week 2 tomorrow with a foundation repair, and finishing on the stairs. I’ll keep you updated…

More to come…

Murv