BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

…A stately pleasure dome decree…

(This blog was originally entitled “Two in one day” as a reference to the fact that I had managed to find time to post two blogs in one day. However, the first of the two wasn’t important enough to bother with migrating it here from Myspace, therefore, some obvious editing has been done, but more importantly, the name has been changed to confuse the audience…)

Not a record, but damn close considering how busy I am these days… But, I happen to have a few minutes in between household projects today, and I have a small story to relate…

It all starts with birthdays. Now, in theory (notice I am pointing out IN THEORY) I have one of those coming up. Honestly, I am not all that big on celebrating it. I mean, yeah, as long as I am around to see them that means I’m not dead, but, they really aren’t a big deal to me. I guess it was just the way I grew up. In my family the whole birthday thing pretty much stopped being a big deal when you were about 12. After that, the only hallmarks were the biggies – 16 – driving time. 18 – voting time (and for the boys, registering for selective service). And, finally, 21 – Legal drinking age. Other than that, birthdays were more or less just another day.

HOWEVER, Evil Kat’s family was exactly the opposite. Birthdays are a big deal. They have some manner of compulsive need to celebrate them. Now, it used to be that each and every birthday was celebrated individually with dinner, etc. Nowadays, with everyone being older and having a ton of things to do, scheduling such has become a nightmare. Therefore, in the interest of making it all work they have started doing birthday’s by quarters – i.e. 1 gathering for January – March birthdays, another gathering for April – June birthdays, and so on.

I was hoping that when they got combined it would be easier for mine to get lost in the shuffle. However, it has not. I made some seriously intense attempts at convincing folks that they had my birthdate wrong, with plans to do the same when the bogus date I offered rolled around. The idea was that I would be able to keep them bouncing back and forth so that they would forget it. Unfortunately, EK overheard and sold me out.

So, they know when my birthday really is…

Okay, now let’s add insult to injury. Every year I am asked what I want for my birthday. For some odd reason, “nothing” is not a sufficient answer for these folks. And, as always happens, EK ends up poking and prodding until I give up an answer. I tried tossing really expensive items out there in hopes that they would get the hint, but alas, that didn’t work either… So, in recent years I have finally given in. I have started giving them lists of inexpensive items that I would like to have, but haven’t had time to buy for myself.

(Guess what? I’m not actually to the point of this blog yet… But, you’re used to that by now, I suppose…)

So, last night was the 1st Quarter Birthday Gathering. This year I had supplied a list of DVD’s I wanted to add to my library. For those of you who don’t know this, I tend to collect TV series and movies that have either inspired me, or have some connection to my younger days…Stuff like Millennium, Pretender, The Die Hard Quad, etc… Among the movies on my list this go around was a cult classic, and one that most folks wouldn’t figure as my kind of flick – Xanadu.

Yes, Xanadu. The glitzy, schmaltzy, Olivia Newton-John pop-rock musical fantasy flick about a boy, a girl (actually a mythical goddess), and a roller disco.

Now, I am sure you are asking yourself, “why in the hell would Sellars, of all people, have a movie like Xanadu on his list?”

Well, actually I expected the family to think the same thing. I mean, horror writer guy wants a campy roller disco movie? Doesn’t really make sense, does it? Well, they didn’t bat an eye, so I got myself a Xanadu DVD among my gifts last evening.

But, back to why… There are many reasons…And, they are all relatively simple… Here are just a few…

1) Remember the bit about a connection to my younger days? Well, Xanadu hit the theaters the summer before I went away to college. As it happened, there was a cinema a few miles away that ran it as a matinee – all summer. So, since I often had nothing better to do, I would finish my running around in the outdoor mall then go park myself in the air conditioned cinema with a soda and a hot dog, and watch Xanadu. Admission was something like a buck fifty… Couldn’t beat it.

2) Yeah, but why Xanadu of all movies? Three words and a hyphen. Olivia Newton-John. In my youth, like many other red blooded males, I had it bad for ONJ. A crush of mammoth proportions. I mean, how could you not? That face, that body, those legs, that accent…And she could sing too. What wasn’t to love about the woman? Hell, I can remember spending a small fortune on 10th row floor tickets when she came to Saint Louis on the “Get Physical” tour. I even owned all her albums… For you kids, albums are those big, black, round things with grooves. They are what we dinosaurs had before CD’s. You can see them in museums, and if you are lucky, your parents might even have a few stashed away in a box somewhere.

3) Gene Kelly. Yeah, Gene Kelly is in the movie. And, while he only has a few dance numbers, we are talking about GENE FREAKIN’ KELLY here! He made it look so easy! And, getting to see him dance was a treat.

4) The music… Yeah, some of it is pop, glitzy, disco stuff…But, remember that was a part of that era. ELO (Electric Light Orchestra) and Jeff Lynne did quite a bit of the music. I happen to be an ELO fan.

5) ONJ’s character is a Muse. As in the Greek Goddess… Daughter of Zeus…all that jazz. Now how cool is that? I mean, she’s exactly what I would have wanted my muse to look like back then… These days, well, my muse is a redhead and she dresses a bit differently, but we won’t go there…

Anyway, those are just a few of the reasons…And, because of them, Xanadu has pretty much stuck out in my mind for years. Now, I heard that it had been redone as a Broadway type musical, and even saw some clips from that. Honestly, I think they hauled off and took a completely wonderful, campy, movie and totally ruined. However, there is still the original on DVD.

Which finally brings me to the point of this blog. I’ve been busier than hell and haven’t been able to spend much time with my family as of late. So, today, in between loads of laundry I took a couple of hours to hang with the munchkin’ now that she’s feeling better and over her stomach flu (I was hanging with her when she was sick, but that really wasn’t quality time if you know what I mean.) Anyway, we decided we would open up Xanadu and give it a watch, since with her being 8 she had never seen it, and it had been years since I had watch it as well. I fully expected her to enjoy the movie because she is all about music, dancing, and that sort of jazz.

And, she did.

What I didn’t expect, however, was that when the movie was over she burst into tears. I had no idea what was wrong, until she sobbed “that was beautiful”…

When I thought about it, I realized she was correct. And, maybe that was a hidden allure of Xanadu all along. Boy meets goddess, boy loses goddess, boy stands up goddess’ dad to get goddess back, and in the end, he does.

Who wouldn’t love a story like that?

More to come…

Murv

Excuse me for a moment while I try on my best Andy Rooney impersonation…

Ahem…Gargle…Ahem-Ahem…

Okay, here goes…

Have ya’ ever noticed that some people will get hung up on a catch phrase, or a word, and then use it to death?

Okay, well that impersonating thing hurts my throat so I’m gonna stop, but as to the above question, seriously…Have you ever noticed that? Well, obviously I have…

I guess my rant, in this case, is a bit targeted. What I mean is, I am aiming this at food/cooking shows in particular…Especially those on the Food Network, one of my favorite channels…Except for, as you must certainly notice, this little issue here.

There are two utterances in particular that are really starting to get on my nerves. Maybe it is the fact that I make my living with words that I am so sensitive to this, but in any case, here is my beef (do you like how I worked that food reference in there? [grin]).

1) The word “Off” – Now “off” is a fairly specific word meaning the opposite of “on”. Pretty easy to deal with, Not terribly obtrusive when used in its given context. It’s not even that bad when used as a brand name for oven cleaner. However, in the past year or so there has been this movement among those driving the kitchen to append this word to particular cooking verbs that, frankly, are fairly self explanatory. Sure, they might require the additional prefix of “slow” (as in slow roasted) or “pan” (as in pan seared) but they definitely have no need for a meaningless appendage hanging off their backsides dragging them down –

For instance… “First we take some poblano peppers, place them on a baking sheet and roast them OFF…”

Excuse me? Roast them “off” of what? Are you telling me that you want me to roast them under the broiler until they fall off the baking sheet? That really doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense now does it?

Or, as I heard today… “Sprinkle cinnamon and sugar on the flour tortilla then bake it OFF for a few minutes…”

Bake it off? Are we having a contest of which I am unaware? The great tortilla bake-off? Or, am I supposed to bake it until all of the cinnamon and sugar comes off? That will be kind of hard because once the sugar starts to caramelize it will tend to glaze and bond with  the porous tortilla…Therefore, in order to get rid of the sugar I am going to have to burn this thing  beyond recognition, rendering it pretty much inedible…Wouldn’t it be better for me to just shake it so the cinnamon and sugar fall off? Or, here’s an idea – how about if I just don’t put the cinnamon and sugar on it to begin with and I won’t have a need to “insert verb here” it off. Saves time and gets the recipe done faster…

And, I’ve even repeatedly heard… “Then we take the tenderloin [or other cut of meat] and grill it OFF on each side…”

Again I ask, OFF of what? If it falls off the grill and into the coals it might not be all that tasty…if it missed the coals and ends up on the ground…well, let’s not go there. I’ve been there before and let’s just say beef brisket and sand don’t mix unless you are trying to clean your teeth or something…But, that is another story involving a barbecue, too much beer, an unstable Weber kettle, and a rousing game of Frisbee.

You know, I have no clue whatsoever how this trend began… This is merely a guess, but if I had to lay money I would say some tongue tied cook on a show accidentally tagged “off” to the end of something he was saying. Simple mistake, slip of the tongue, all good. BUT (you knew there would be one of those, right?) Some fruit loop heard it and thought “Hey, that sounds cool so I think I’ll start saying it so everyone will think I am some kind of important chef.” (Guess again, it makes you sound like a friggin’ idiot.)

The next thing you know everyone with a cooking show is appending “off” to the ends of their verbs. Honestly, kids, this has gotten waaaaayyyyyyy too ridiculous and out of hand. Drop the off, use the verbs as they are intended, and call it good. You’ll be amazed at how much more sense you will suddenly make.

This brings me to the next problem child…

2) “Flavorful” – Okay. Not a real problem in and of itself. It’s a word. It’s even a viable word that can certainly be used in conjunction with food or ingredients in recipes. It makes perfect sense. If you say it once or possibl;y twice…(although, personally I think once is quite enough…)

From where the idea came that the word “flavorful” was the one and only descriptor to be used while explaining food, I again have no clue. I can only say that I personally first noticed it when I accidentally landed the channel on the Food Network during a show featuring Tyler Florence. I say accidentally because Tyler just isn’t one of my favorites. I’m not a fan. I mean, I’m sure he’s a nice guy and he appears to know his way around the kitchen- he even has a stack of degrees to prove it- but in general his show and recipes simply fail to do anything for me, so I don’t watch him. (No offense intended, Tyler. But, let’s be honest – you probably don’t read my books either, so we’re even.)

Anyway, I digress… The thing is I stopped on that channel and there he was talking about a recipe. Much to my horror, in the span of 15 seconds he said the word “flavorful” 5 times. I think he even said it twice in one sentence.

Then, a short while later I saw him on an Applebees commercial…And there was that word again…I can’t remember for sure but I think he said it at least twice in the 5 second span he was talking, but don’t hold me to that… Even if I’m wrong and he said it only once that was more than enough. He’d already beaten it to death earlier and the fact that he was repeating it was proof enough to me that he was stuck on it and needed a date with a thesaurus.

I mean, even Emeril Lagasse was smart enough to back off on the trademark “BAM” after a while…Yeah, he still does it, but not every two seconds…

So, Tyler…come on. Depending on the particular ingredient there are a whole host of places you can go – delicious, tasty, delicate, savory, juicy, fresh, peppery, zesty, sweet, tangy, and mild, just to name a few…bursting with flavor, full of flavor…hell, even “full-flavored”… But, let’s give “flavorful” a rest, okay? It’s tired. You’ve stretched it way too thin and it just can’t cover the spread any longer…It really wants to go back to its page in the dictionary and take a nap…I, for one, really think you should let it…

Now, the thing that has really gotten under my skin about number two is that since Mister Florence has continued to use this word to to the exclusion of all other adjectives, suddenly some of my favorite folks on Food Network such as Alton Brown have started randomly tossing it out there too. Alton….Dude… Please don’t make me tune YOU out too…That would be a pity because I actually think you are a hoot…

Sooooo…at this point, theoretically, I suppose I should make them a deal…Something like “stop screwing with the language and I’ll stay out of the kitchen…” The problem here is that I am actually schooled to be in the kitchen. Perhaps not as much as they are, but schooled nonetheless… So, that makes it pretty hard for me to offer that deal…However, since there probably isn’t any danger of me getting myself a cooking show anytime soon, I’ll advance this compromise…

Y’all stop beating up the language and I won’t cook on TV.

‘Nuff said…

More to come…

Murv