BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Part 1 of 2…

Her Majesty Queen Eebil Kat threw me for a loop again…

Now before I get into the crux of the story I need to clear up a little something about E K. The truth of the matter is this: while she is without a doubt 113% pure evil, she has a soft spot. And, that soft spot is none other than Nature.

Yeah, nature… As in, the environment and all creatures big and small. I’m not just talking about kittens and puppies, mind you. E K apologizes to spiders if she disturbs their webs, scoops up the errant wasp or hornet that finds its way into the house and returns it to the wild unharmed, and I’ve even seen her move the lawn sprinkler to avoid drowning out an ant colony. The Evil Redhead is so wildlife conscious we sometimes call her Kippy the Environmental Terrorist, because if she catches you damaging the environment she will… well, let’s just say you don’t want her to catch you and we’ll leave it at that. (By the way, we call her Kippy behind her back because if you call her Kippy in front of her back, well… See notice above about damaging the environment. Pretty much the same thing applies.)

But, this isn’t what threw me for the loop. We’ll get to that in a minute…

So, in the interest of full disclosure I also have to point out that as environmentally conscious as E K is, she does in fact have a “hit list” where so called disgusting creatures are concerned – although, as you would expect, it is very short. Topping it, of course, is the male of the species homo sapiens. But, we already knew that so it is kind of a given. Also on the list, as you have recently discovered, is the Japanese Beetle because it simply doesn’t belong here, making it an invasive species that threatens the ecosystem. That really and truly seems to be the “proverbial litmus test” for her. If it’s invasive and threatens the natural order of things, she’ll terminate it with extreme prejudice.

Come to think of it, that whole threatening the ecosystem thing is probably why men in general top her hit list…

But, back to the story… You see, apparently there are a couple of other entries on the “most wanted wall” I hadn’t realized were there. They don’t actually fall under the “invasive, ecosystem destroying threat” clause. They are, for all intents and purposes, covered by the well-known and often invoked, “Don’t Annoy The E K” statute.

Yeah… This is where the loop throwing comes in…

You see, I heard a ruckus in the kitchen the other day. I knew I should simply ignore it, but there’s this personality quirk we writer types all seem to have. We’re overly curious. And, unfortunately that little flaw sometimes gets us into trouble. Living with E K I know this all too well because giving in to curiosity gets me into hot water more often than not, therefore you’d think I would have learned better by now.

But, like I said, it’s a flaw…

So, yeah, you guessed it. I couldn’t leave well enough alone and I went to investigate the ruckus.

I poked my head around the corner and peered into the kitchen. “What’s going…”

The rest of the sentence caught in my throat and remained unspoken, because what met my eyes was to say the least just a bit unexpected.

The Evil Redhead was standing at the sink, all dolled up in Pleather dominatrix gear. Now, as intriguing – and dare I say titillating – a sight as this happened to be, what really got me was the empty Popsicle
stick with which she appeared to carrying on a conversation.

“I’ve got all the time in the world,” she instructed the flat piece of wood as I listened from the doorway “Trust me, you will talk…”

Throwing caution to the wind I silently crept farther into the room, what with that whole curiosity thing working on me, and all that jazz. Once I came closer to The Evil One I could see that the Popsicle stick, while definitely not containing a frozen confection as one would think, was also not actually as empty as I had originally imagined it to be.

And that was when my irresistible curiosity led me down a dark and scary path…

More to come…

Murv

To be continued in: Mistress Of The Flies…

I have to be honest. I’m rarely shocked by anything E K does, especially if it involves evil. However, please make note that I said rarely. There are occasions when the Evil Redhead will do something that throws me for a bit of a loop. Of course, since I am telling you this now it should be obvious that Her Majesty has recently managed to leave me wondering…

As is the custom whenever E K is about to do something I will inevitably blog about, I was standing in the kitchen minding my own business. Well, in truth I was minding the business of a pound of ground turkey as I set about fixing the evening meal. Now, what was unusual about this is that instead of pacing back and forth behind me while gently slapping a riding crop against the side of her leg, The Evil One was nowhere to be seen. This, in and of itself should have set off a few alarms for me, but I was too busy concentrating on what I was going to prepare with the ground turkey that I hadn’t already prepared at some point during the 2009 calendar year. (You see, E K doesn’t like to have the same thing twice within a 365 day period.)

Anyhow, there I was trying to come up with a unique dish that involved ground turkey when I heard a voice from across the room.

“Hello, Lackey,” E K announced, her tone both serious and bemused. (Don’t ask me how she managed that. It’s an E K thing.)

I looked up from the meal fixin’s and there, standing in the doorway, was the evil redhead, decked out in her own version of Indiana Jones adventure attire, complete with a fedora and bullwhip.

Of course, noticing the whip my first response was, “I’m sorry, your worship, I’m cooking as fast as I can.”

She ignored me, which wasn’t unusual except that she rarely misses an opportunity to enjoy a good bit of groveling on my part. Instead, she stared out the window into our back yard.

“Japanese Beetles,” she finally said , and then let out a heavy sigh that was obviously filled with deep seated trepidation. “Why did it have to be Japanese Beetles?”

I screwed up my face with confusion because I was… well… confused. “Japanese Beatles?” I repeated with a questioning tone. “Are they some kind of tribute band?”

“Popillia Japonica,” she replied. “Very dangerous.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Are they really loud or something?”

“Hungry.”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Hungry?”

“Very.”

“I’ve only got a pound of turkey here so that might be a problem,” I told her.

“They’re vegetarians.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” I agreed with a nod. “McCartney is all about the veggie thing isn’t he…”

“There are Japanese Beetles in the back yard, Murv!” she barked.

“Okay, okay,” I said. “Calm down. I can defrost some more turkey in the microwave. Not a big deal. Just go out there and stall them for a bit while I get to cooking. So, just out of curiosity are these guys any good? I mean, should we sell tickets or something?”

“Whiskey,” she replied, a demanding note in her voice.

“Yeah… Okay…” I returned with a shrug.

Since she was still holding the bullwhip I decided I had better comply. I pulled a bottle of the good stuff from the cabinet, poured a shot, then placed it on the island in front of her. She picked it up, tossed it back, then slammed the empty shot glass onto the counter upside down. From out of nowhere a Nepalese man dressed in Yak fur appeared, burped, then passed out and fell to the floor. E K proceeded to take all of his money then kicked him a couple of times to make him move out of her way, and of course “just because”… She’s evil like that.

“Get the pry bars in there,” she ordered, a wild look in her eyes.

“Do the what?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes then barked, “Open the damn back door, Lackey!”

I did as I was told, because that’s what I do. As I turned back to face her I noticed that she had unfurled the bullwhip and was now rearing her arm back over her head. I immediately cowered in the corner, fear running rampant through my veins. However, the sting of her lash never fell upon me. I peered out from behind my hands and watched on in complete awe.

With a speedy swish and a sharp crack the braided leather snaked out the open doorway, the end wrapping itself around a tree branch. E K pulled on the whip to cinch it tight, then grasped it with both hands, jumped up in the air, and swung through the open doorway and out into the back yard.

As she flew past me I heard her mutter, “You wanna talk to God, let’s go see Her together…”

I’m still not entirely sure what all that was about. She insists that we don’t talk about it. Ever.

All I know is that we never sold a single ticket, I never heard a single Beatles tune, and I’ve now spent the past three days using a paint scraper to get the scarab carcasses off the bottom of her shoes…

More to come…

Murv