BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Excuse me for a moment while I try on my best Andy Rooney impersonation…

Ahem…Gargle…Ahem-Ahem…

Okay, here goes…

Have ya’ ever noticed that some people will get hung up on a catch phrase, or a word, and then use it to death?

Okay, well that impersonating thing hurts my throat so I’m gonna stop, but as to the above question, seriously…Have you ever noticed that? Well, obviously I have…

I guess my rant, in this case, is a bit targeted. What I mean is, I am aiming this at food/cooking shows in particular…Especially those on the Food Network, one of my favorite channels…Except for, as you must certainly notice, this little issue here.

There are two utterances in particular that are really starting to get on my nerves. Maybe it is the fact that I make my living with words that I am so sensitive to this, but in any case, here is my beef (do you like how I worked that food reference in there? [grin]).

1) The word “Off” – Now “off” is a fairly specific word meaning the opposite of “on”. Pretty easy to deal with, Not terribly obtrusive when used in its given context. It’s not even that bad when used as a brand name for oven cleaner. However, in the past year or so there has been this movement among those driving the kitchen to append this word to particular cooking verbs that, frankly, are fairly self explanatory. Sure, they might require the additional prefix of “slow” (as in slow roasted) or “pan” (as in pan seared) but they definitely have no need for a meaningless appendage hanging off their backsides dragging them down –

For instance… “First we take some poblano peppers, place them on a baking sheet and roast them OFF…”

Excuse me? Roast them “off” of what? Are you telling me that you want me to roast them under the broiler until they fall off the baking sheet? That really doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense now does it?

Or, as I heard today… “Sprinkle cinnamon and sugar on the flour tortilla then bake it OFF for a few minutes…”

Bake it off? Are we having a contest of which I am unaware? The great tortilla bake-off? Or, am I supposed to bake it until all of the cinnamon and sugar comes off? That will be kind of hard because once the sugar starts to caramelize it will tend to glaze and bond with  the porous tortilla…Therefore, in order to get rid of the sugar I am going to have to burn this thing  beyond recognition, rendering it pretty much inedible…Wouldn’t it be better for me to just shake it so the cinnamon and sugar fall off? Or, here’s an idea – how about if I just don’t put the cinnamon and sugar on it to begin with and I won’t have a need to “insert verb here” it off. Saves time and gets the recipe done faster…

And, I’ve even repeatedly heard… “Then we take the tenderloin [or other cut of meat] and grill it OFF on each side…”

Again I ask, OFF of what? If it falls off the grill and into the coals it might not be all that tasty…if it missed the coals and ends up on the ground…well, let’s not go there. I’ve been there before and let’s just say beef brisket and sand don’t mix unless you are trying to clean your teeth or something…But, that is another story involving a barbecue, too much beer, an unstable Weber kettle, and a rousing game of Frisbee.

You know, I have no clue whatsoever how this trend began… This is merely a guess, but if I had to lay money I would say some tongue tied cook on a show accidentally tagged “off” to the end of something he was saying. Simple mistake, slip of the tongue, all good. BUT (you knew there would be one of those, right?) Some fruit loop heard it and thought “Hey, that sounds cool so I think I’ll start saying it so everyone will think I am some kind of important chef.” (Guess again, it makes you sound like a friggin’ idiot.)

The next thing you know everyone with a cooking show is appending “off” to the ends of their verbs. Honestly, kids, this has gotten waaaaayyyyyyy too ridiculous and out of hand. Drop the off, use the verbs as they are intended, and call it good. You’ll be amazed at how much more sense you will suddenly make.

This brings me to the next problem child…

2) “Flavorful” – Okay. Not a real problem in and of itself. It’s a word. It’s even a viable word that can certainly be used in conjunction with food or ingredients in recipes. It makes perfect sense. If you say it once or possibl;y twice…(although, personally I think once is quite enough…)

From where the idea came that the word “flavorful” was the one and only descriptor to be used while explaining food, I again have no clue. I can only say that I personally first noticed it when I accidentally landed the channel on the Food Network during a show featuring Tyler Florence. I say accidentally because Tyler just isn’t one of my favorites. I’m not a fan. I mean, I’m sure he’s a nice guy and he appears to know his way around the kitchen- he even has a stack of degrees to prove it- but in general his show and recipes simply fail to do anything for me, so I don’t watch him. (No offense intended, Tyler. But, let’s be honest – you probably don’t read my books either, so we’re even.)

Anyway, I digress… The thing is I stopped on that channel and there he was talking about a recipe. Much to my horror, in the span of 15 seconds he said the word “flavorful” 5 times. I think he even said it twice in one sentence.

Then, a short while later I saw him on an Applebees commercial…And there was that word again…I can’t remember for sure but I think he said it at least twice in the 5 second span he was talking, but don’t hold me to that… Even if I’m wrong and he said it only once that was more than enough. He’d already beaten it to death earlier and the fact that he was repeating it was proof enough to me that he was stuck on it and needed a date with a thesaurus.

I mean, even Emeril Lagasse was smart enough to back off on the trademark “BAM” after a while…Yeah, he still does it, but not every two seconds…

So, Tyler…come on. Depending on the particular ingredient there are a whole host of places you can go – delicious, tasty, delicate, savory, juicy, fresh, peppery, zesty, sweet, tangy, and mild, just to name a few…bursting with flavor, full of flavor…hell, even “full-flavored”… But, let’s give “flavorful” a rest, okay? It’s tired. You’ve stretched it way too thin and it just can’t cover the spread any longer…It really wants to go back to its page in the dictionary and take a nap…I, for one, really think you should let it…

Now, the thing that has really gotten under my skin about number two is that since Mister Florence has continued to use this word to to the exclusion of all other adjectives, suddenly some of my favorite folks on Food Network such as Alton Brown have started randomly tossing it out there too. Alton….Dude… Please don’t make me tune YOU out too…That would be a pity because I actually think you are a hoot…

Sooooo…at this point, theoretically, I suppose I should make them a deal…Something like “stop screwing with the language and I’ll stay out of the kitchen…” The problem here is that I am actually schooled to be in the kitchen. Perhaps not as much as they are, but schooled nonetheless… So, that makes it pretty hard for me to offer that deal…However, since there probably isn’t any danger of me getting myself a cooking show anytime soon, I’ll advance this compromise…

Y’all stop beating up the language and I won’t cook on TV.

‘Nuff said…

More to come…

Murv

And, no. For those of you who are old enough to remember this, I am NOT about to break into a rousing chorus of  “I Do The Watusi” by Howie Mandel. If you are too young to remember, then click on the link above and have yourself a taste of post St. Elsewhere but pre Deal or No Deal Howie…

But, as usual, I digress…

MY questions aren’t about cottage cheese in shoes, or hamsters named Phil residing behind bars (again, see the above link). Mine are about this show called Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

I accidentally watched a couple of episodes of this thing. Primarily because I turned on the TV and there it was. I used to like watching stuff like This Old House and Hometime, so I gave it a go. In case you haven’t seen this thing, it basically revolves around that hyper guy who used to do the Sears commercials and a group of interior decorators/remodeler/contractor types. They roll into a town in a tour bus and right up to the door of the person selected for the home makeover (via an interesting application process I’ve now found out). They send the person and their family off on an all expense paid vacation for a week, then demolish their house and put a new one in its place. All good, correct? I mean, especially when you consider that the people who manage to run the gauntlet of the application process are usually in some way, shape, or form, nearly destitute. They can’t pay for even the simplest of repairs on their home, in some cases the home is being condemned by the city, they have a whole raft of kids, and are living hand to mouth, and it seems that a prerequisite is to also have one or more disabilities in the family unit. These people are desperately in need of help. So, this show is doing an incredibly good and charitable thing for these folks…or so it seems.

These TV personalities roll in and replace the existing home with a brand new, completely decked out, much larger “dream home” by almost anyone’s standards (except the unnaturally wealthy that is). I’m talking in terms of a 45K shack or even a  worthless piece of falling down condemned building being replaced by a 250K to 350K home (And I’m just talking about the “shell of the home” when I toss out that number, because it doesn’t end there…They end up with all of the redecorating amenities, all new furniture, plasma TV’s on damn near every wall, and a kitchen that would make Emeril scream BAM! at the top of his lungs…Not to mention added bonus stuff like expensive toys and/or sports memorabilia for the kids, etc…–and that is just naming a FEW of the niceties.)

Well, here is where my questions start popping up.

Now remember, like I said, most of these folks (the ones I’ve seen so far, at least) can barely make their mortgage and feed themselves too, so let’s keep that in mind, as that is what is prompting most of my questions…

1) Who is going to pay the taxes on this new house? They are going to be a hell of a lot higher than they were before.

2) How do the rest of the people in the neighborhood feel about this monstrosity sitting next to their smaller homes? This new home’s value is definitely going to affect the neighborhood standing, and therefore the values and taxes on their homes. One way or the other. Either THEIR taxes are going to go up, or if the neighborhood is REALLY depressed, suddenly the city is going to come in and start condemning everyone else’s home. Next thing you know eminent domain happens and developers get their fingers in the pie, and…well, you see where I am heading…

3) Since these “dream homes” are normally being plunked down in middle to lower class neighborhoods, what would happen if for some reason that home needed to be sold? You sure can’t get the dollars that went into it back out of it if the neighborhood won’t support it. Unless, of course, some permutation of the question number 2 scenarios occurs…

4) Why in all hell do these people need Plasma TV’s on almost every wall in the friggin house? That’s one I just can’t get my head around…

and finally…

5) Wouldn’t it be better for ABC and this program to build smaller, less opulent homes that are livable and solid, thereby being able to build MORE of them and actually HELP MORE PEOPLE who need it? Oh, I don’t know, like maybe in Mississippi and Louisiana? People who are living in ratty FEMA trailers and not knowing when or if they’ll ever manage to get their homes rebuilt?

Yes, I know. If they were to actually do number 5 then it wouldn’t be EXTREME, and they wouldn’t have a viable TV Show would they?

Well, sorry, I still see this as a rather ridiculous excess. But then, that’s just my opinion…and you know what they say. That and a buck will get you a cup of coffee (as long as you aren’t talking Starbucks. Nothing against Starbucks mind you…it’s just that you won’t get a cup of coffee there for a buck…)

MR