" /> BRAINPAN LEAKAGE » 30
  • Now That’s A Knife…

      0 comments

    There are certain rules around our house…

    I will meet E K at the door with her drink…

    I will have dinner on the table no later than 30 minutes after E K arrives home…

    I will spit shine all of EKay’s shoes on a daily basis…

    I will do whatever E K tells me to do…

    Sense a pattern there? Yeah, me too.  But the consequences for non-compliance with said rules are pretty harsh, so I just live with them. There are some other rules, of course. Most of them involve something I have to do in order to please The Evil One and keep her from taking me downstairs into her “play room” – which reminds me, I’m supposed to hose it down today after I drop her Stryker Saw off at the shop. I just hope she didn’t leave anyone down there. The trash truck doesn’t run for another couple of days yet…

    There is, however, a rule that doesn’t directly involve E K… Well, sorta… I mean, the results of the rule compliance directly involve E K – as well as allow me to comply with the other rules of the house… But the actual rule is more along the line of – The Kitchen is MY domain, leave my stuff alone.

    Surprisingly, E K generally works within the boundaries of that rule. Largely, I think, because she hates to cook, but likes to eat.

    Because of this, it was a great surprise to me when I walked around the corner the other night and found her torturing a houseplant. I know, I know… Whiplash moment there, but trust me, there’s a connection. She was torturing the houseplant with one of my kitchen knives.

    You see, we have this yucca plant… We’ve had this plant for something on the order of forever. Seriously. I’m pretty sure we had it when we moved into together. It has been through some serious trials and tribulations – namely countless plant chewing felines. During the summer it lives on our front porch, soaking up the sunshine and Saint Louis humidity, mostly safe from cats with plant fetishes. During that period of months the yucca goes crazy, sort of like it is making up for the rest of the year when it’s in fear for its life. By the time Autumn rolls around, and the first frost is upon us, the yucca looks a little… well… yucky.

    And so, the temperature was forecast to plummet the other night, and plummet it did. Before it fell too far though, E K, in all her regalness, invoked her prime directive – that being the rule saying I have to do whatever she says.

    “Lackey!” she demanded. “Go bring in the plants.”

    Little did I know that in rescuing the yucky yucca from the cold, I was merely delivering it into the hands of a deranged redhead with a topiary affliction. Unfortunately for both of us – the plant and me – she didn’t have her pruning shears handy, so she headed straight for the knife block on the kitchen counter.

    Of course, I suppose I should look upon the incident as an opportunity, because I learned something that evening.  Never mention the rules to an evil redhead who is holding a large, serrated bread knife in one hand and the hacked up limb of a defenseless yucca plant in the other.

    We have a Ficus too, but it’s a little tougher than the Yucca. I think while she’s at work I’ll go hide my electric knives, otherwise they might end up dulled and it’ll be a little tough carving the turkey at Thanksgiving this year.

    More to come…

    Murv

  • The Massachusetts Gambit…

      0 comments

    My recent trip to Massachusetts to speak and sign at the SEMA PPD (Southeastern Mass Pagan Pride Day) falls into my favorite category. That being, it was a great event. There were plenty of wonderful folks, good conversations, hanging out, and excellent food as well. And, I even signed a gazillion books – gotta love that.

    Of course, whenever I go on the road, even if the event is great and… well… UN-eventful… there’s always something to keep me entertained along the way – usually to and from.

    So, for those who follow me on Facebook and Twitter, this is going to be redundant.  However, since there are many of my blog readers who don’t do the Twitter and Facebook thing, here, in a nutshell, is the round trip as told to my Twitter account via my cell phone. I’ll warn you up front. It’s not all that exciting…

    SATURDAY

    Travel Day One – Getting There From Here

    Saturday 9/11 10:08AM – At Lambert STL. Busier than a whore house on dollar day. TSA Agents FASCINATED with my I <heart> EK t-shirt. O_o

    Saturday 9/11 10:25AM – Almost missing those lost LBs. Took off belt for security and britches were around my knees by the time I was thru the metal detector O_O

    Saturday 9/11 11:24AM – On airplane. Wheeeee!

    Saturday 9/11 1:22PM – Layover BWI. Maybe I’ll see Duff and the gang…

    Saturday 9/11 2:30PM – On board another air fly thingy. I’m like, YO! WEEEEEE!

    Saturday 9/11 4:01PM – As a rule women make way better pilots than men. True story

    Saturday 9/11 4:23PM – On ground Providence, RI. Yo! Weeeee!

    Saturday 9/11 5:59PM – At the hotel. Nice room. Gang coming to pick me up for dinner at around 7:30…

    Saturday 9/11 8:33PM – Dinner roundup: FRESH fish and scallops… Mmmmmmmmmm… :-P~~~~~

    Saturday 9/11 8:48PM – Lost an hour today (slow damn airplane)… Gotta turn into M. R. Sellars tomorrow morning around 9… Thinking it just might be “Jammie Time”

    Saturday 9/11 9:05PM – Okay… Grabbing a book and jumping into the sack. I’ll check in tomorrow morning over coffee… The maker is right here on the desk (WooHoo!)

    SUNDAY

    Event Day

    Sunday 9/12 4:59AM – Okay, you silly whackos… I’m up. Hotel coffee cooked. It’s not DDC, but it’s definitely drinkable…

    Sunday 9/12 5:26AM – Waking up just isn’t as much fun without Kat Sellars here…

    Sunday 9/12 6:28AM – Clean and shiny… Even squirted on some smelly good so I won’t schteenk too badly… Now having some more coffee and diddling about on Facebook while considering heading downstairs for some breakfast…

    Sunday 9/12 6:35AM – Hmmmm… Not used to that much fried food all in one place at the same time… Last night’s dinner has me feeling slightly bloaty this morning… Still better go see what’s for breakfast. Long time till lunch… O_o

    Sunday 9/12 7:03AM – Hard boiled egg, a self-nukeified miniature ham & cheese quiche (never did find the ham in it), a fruit cup, and some OJ… That “oughta” hold me for a bit.

    Sunday 9/12 7:07AM – Why do all of the “expert” commentators on FOX look like they’ve had botched facelifts and then lost a fight with Merle Norman?

    Sunday 9/12 7:59AM – I’m not waitin’ on a lay-dayy, I’m just waitin’ on my ride… I’m just waitin’ on my ride. Do do do doo dop dee do. Do do…

    Sunday 9/12 8:57AM – The Weather Channel LIED!

    Sunday 9/12 10:47AM – First workshop done. Plenty of hopeful writers in attendance. Great questions

    Sunday 9/12 11:10AM – Minor crisis averted – Yes, folks, I found the little authors room, weee! (Literally)

    Sunday 9/12 11:38AM – Lunch: AMAZING Morrocan stew, and the cook gave me her secret recipe

    Sunday 9/12 1:52pM – Booksigning rule #1 – Slow at your table? Put food in your mouth and that’ll change

    Sunday 9/12 3:55pM – SIGN… SIGN… SIGN… Writer’s cramp!

    Sunday 9/12 4:06pM – WHAT? WHAT? SPEAK UP! (Metal band closing out the festival – but I have coffee and cheesecake, so it’s all good.) 😀

    Sunday 9/12 8:01pM – Back to the hotel. Great dinner of fish & chips at a local diner ala Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Fieri would’ve said, “Now that’s money right there.” Now working on packing. They’ll be here to shuttle me back to the air-fly-thingy place bright & early.

    Sunday 9/12 8:15pM – So… How’d y’all like the periodic SMS updates? Should I keep that as part of my regimen, or no?

    Sunday 9/12 8:55pM – Okay, that’s all the schnitzengruebers I can take… I’ll be up early enough to annoy everyone before they come take me to the airport. G’night all…

    Monday

    Travel Day Two – Homeward Bound

    Monday 9/13 5:22AM – Almost finished with the packing. Swilling some hotel coffee and thinking about spending some time in that little room with the water that sprays out of the nozzle on the wall. What a concept… Sure beats a garden hose. I gotta see if I can have me one of these deals installed at the house.

    Monday 9/13 6:34AM – Just called the Evil Redhead to make sure she was up and moving. I got the distinct impression she likes her daily “wake up back massage” a WHOLE LOT MORE than the aforementioned “wake up phone call”…

    Monday 9/13 9:32AM – At Providence air fly place wearing EK recycles tee. TSA afraid of Evil Kat. They promise to recycle so that she won’t hurt them.

    Monday 9/13 12:56PM – On ground Orlando, FL. Might have to resuscitate woman in seat behind me. She talked non-stop for 3 hours without taking a breath.

    Monday 9/13 1:00PM – Just showed hi-pressure salesman my appendectomy scar & told him EK did it to me with a hi-heel the last time I spent money w/o permission

    Monday 9/13 1:15PM – Orlando air fly place dining: Chef salad, heavy on the salad, LIGHT on the “chef”. Got my roughage for the day

    Monday 9/13 2:00PM – On board air fly machine. M R go home…

    Monday 9/13 5:30PM – I’M HOME! I’M HOME! Well… STL anyway. Redhead might leave me standing here at the East terminal. She’s mean like that.

    *     *     *     *     *

    And, there you have it… Murv on tour. Next stop, Ohio…

    You never know… He might even come to your town.

    More to come…

    Murv