BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Part 10 of 12

Continued from: Mahwage: Fool For Your Stockings…

Grabby little minx, isn’t she? I mean would you look at that? She’s only had the collar around my neck and the ring around my… Uhm…  Uh… Finger, yeah, finger… That’s what I was going to say… So, anyway, yeah…  Ahem… Well… Back to what I was supposed to be saying, I guess…

The marriage had only been official for about two hours when the above picture was taken, and my bride was already just grabbing things right out of my hands like Kwai Chang Caine snatching pebbles from a blind Shaolin monk. (If you can believe the old TV show that task is much harder than it sounds…)

Okay, I have to be honest… I have absolutely no clue what E K is so intent on taking away from me in this photo. Well, that statement isn’t entirely accurate, because I do have at least a faint clue, but I cannot in any way be absolutely positive what it is in this particular picture. The only thing I can assure you is that it’s not candy. She only takes that away from babies. Just kidding… Man, y’all are way too serious… loosen up… please…

Let’s put it this way, since people were well aware of our  financial situation – not much cash in the bank, just bought a house,  financed our own wedding, very little furniture, yadda yadda – rather than give us relatively useless crap like Terra Cotta Taco Racks or some such as wedding presents, many of them simply gave us cash. So, I suspect money is most likely what my bride is reaching for… I probably had a couple of twenties in my hand that I had just pulled out of a card or something of that ilk. But,  you know, I can’t really blame her… I mean, after all, she knew  all too well my history with getting myself into debt, so letting me have any manner of control over the cash was cause for immediate alarm. And besides, she’s a Taurus. She absolutely loves money…

Wait… You know what? Something just dawned on me… I think maybe we did get a Terra Cotta Taco Rack… Oh hell, there it is! Right there in the middle of the picture… that yellowish box with the bow on the corner… And, it even looked exactly like the one in this other picture here on the left… (Yeah, I actually had to go out and steal the picture off the web since we no longer have our Taco Rack, therefore the closeup is not of the actual gift, although it is exactly the same kind we received.)

Yep… It’s true, we did in fact receive a Terra Cotta Taco Rack, and it came from some dear friends, Dave and Deb. The verbal caveat they added when we unwrapped the box was that it was more or less a moral imperative that a newly married couple receive at least 1 somewhat useless gift as a wedding present. Well, D and D, we actually did get some use out of it – as well as plenty of amusement given your “explanation”, so here’s another “thank you” all these years later…

But, I suppose I should be staying on topic, correct? Well, you know me better than that by now… I’m afflicted with Blog A D D, and I just can’t help it…

Unless I missed my guess, it most likely hasn’t escaped your notice that our wedding was held on Halloween. I mean after all, not only have I repeatedly tossed the date out there, I even pointed out that it was on Halloween… And, I’ve been going on and on about how it was held in our living room… In our new house…on a residential street… Need I continue scattering breadcrumbs?

I seriously doubt I do, because y’all were already on top of this one. E K and I, however… well… not so much.

Now, in our defense we were twenty-somethings without kids. The duplex where we lived prior to buying this house was on an extremely busy thoroughfare and there weren’t really a lot of kids around… On top of that, let’s go back to the twenty-somethings thing… What do folks in their early twenties do on Halloween? Stay home and give out candy? Well, unless they have kids of their own, probably not. More than likely they are misspending their young adult youth at a party in not-fit-for-all- ages costumes, with dip, party food, and ungodly amounts of alcohol. Know what I mean?

Yeah… We completely and totally forgot about the fact that kids could possibly come to the door and scream at us until we produced candy… candy that we had neglected to purchase for the occasion.

I’m sure you see where I am going with this…

About 5 minutes into the ceremony a handful of tiny voices bellowed outside the front door, “Twik o Tweep!”.

Everything came to a screeching halt as we all looked around in sudden realization. My father looked at me and said, “Where’s the candy?”

To which I replied, “We forgot.”

“You forgot?”

“Yeah, dad… We’ve been a bit preoccupied.”

Saving the day, my father stepped over to the door, swung it open, then dug into his pocket and started handing out change to the kids. I believe we only had one other interruption during the ceremony itself, but by the time the reception was rolling, kids were knocking on the door left and right…

Eventually, my dad ran out of change and so did I. We ended up offering wedding cake, ham, and veal parmigiana to the costumed beggars after that – only with their parent’s permission, of course… As I recall, we had 1 taker for a piece of cake. However, I think what I ended up finding to be the most amusing out of all of this were the numerous compliments we received. Not because we looked damn sharp, which we did… Especially E K… (Hey, I’ve been good for almost an entire blog entry now)… No, it wasn’t just our costumes… it seems we were garnering compliments on our Halloween decorations and spirit for the occasion. Apparently, several of the folks who were escorting their kids around the neighborhood thought that we were simply in costume as Bride and Groom, and that the whole reception itself was an elaborate, wedding-themed Halloween Party, complete with food and cake. Some who had been by the house earlier actually thought the wedding ceremony itself was a mocked up act to lend credibility to the facade.

Since we are on the subject of “wedding cake”, I would be remiss if I didn’t include the picture on the right. Especially since E K went to the trouble of digging out what passes for our wedding album  for me  in order that I be able to scan a few of the photos for this series of blog entries. (Remember, I said we couldn’t afford to hire a pro)…  So, what you have here is obviously a picture of us next to the wedding cake my father insisted we have… (And we definitely appreciated that more than we could ever convey).

But, unfortunately, there is an evil and insidious story behind this particular snapshot… Notice how we are both reaching? Well, you see, E Kay had been hitting the champagne pretty hard. She was starting to get a little rambunctious, and no one could seem to calm her down. A suggestion was made that we cut the cake in hopes this would bring her under control, but alas, it just fueled the fire. In this piece of historical still life, what you are witnessing is E K as she is just about to pluck the tiny little groom off the top  of the cake so that she can throw it on the floor and stomp on it. I, as you can see, am rushing to save him.

Really. She did. Danced all over his little body in her high heels. Crushed the poor bastard into a gazillion pieces… Laughing maniacally with a bizarre gleam in her eyes, and mumbling with each step, “Take that… How does that feel?  … How about this? … And this?”

Yeah, really… She did…

Seriously…

You don’t believe me?

Okay, so she didn’t. Y’all are just no fun today at all are you? Oh, and since we are apparently operating under a full disclosure policy here,  I suppose I should point out that she hadn’t really been hitting the champagne either. Yes, we had some, but not even enough to tickle our noses in the grand scheme of things… Besides which, E K isn’t a very big fan of the bubbly.

So, in reality, if memory serves, our grabby, reaching gestures in this particular photo have something to do with us trying to figure out how to go about disassembling the cake and store the top layer away in the freezer for our first anniversary, as is called for by time honored tradition.

I have a comment about said tradition: … For the record, year old freezer burned wedding cake tastes like crap…

More to come…

Murv

… NEXT: Mahwage: Where’s Everybody Going?

…but then, we already knew that, I suppose.

I reached this conclusion just moments ago… Well, bearing the statement above in mind I suppose I was merely REMINDED of the conclusion moments ago. You see, she made a comment that could only be uttered by an alien. That comment, I will relate to you below:

“No thanks, I’ve never been really big on cheese balls.”

Okay, all you filthy minded little monkeys need to jump on the ladder and climb right on up out of the gutter. We were NOT in the bedroom when she said this, we were in the kitchen. We were both fully clothed, and no propositions had been made other than I had offered her some leftovers from the Yule party this past weekend. We were NOT talking about anyone’s anatomy… We were talking about food.

Cheese balls have been around forever… They are a staple of all known party foods. In fact, some of today’s party foods have been spawned by the omnipresent and traditional cheese ball… But, that’s a totally different blog…

If you are invited to a party, even at the last minute, and need to bring something, you can always find a cheese ball at the store. Or at the very least, with almost no skill whatsoever, you can toss one together in nothing flat. I mean, even if you don’t have time to spend on an elaborate cheese ball (softening and blending the cheeses, adding spices and herbs, and all that jazz), a simple block of cream cheese, a couple of bags of shredded milk curd of your favorite flavor, a packet of dry veggie soup mix and voila! Cheese ball. Not only a respectable cheese ball, but to borrow a phrase from Alton Brown and twist it to my own convoluted use – damn good eats. Now, if you happen to have an extra thirty seconds you can even dress it up a bit. Wrap it in some Buddig ™ ham, or roll it in some crushed nuts. Voila! Now you have a semi-fancy cheese ball…really damn good eats.

Now, if you are blessed with both time and talent, go for the superbly fancy cheese ball (I will refrain from giving you a recipe here because that’s not really what this blog is about) and hey, you get orgasmically good eats.

So… Fancy, semi-fancy, or just plain, the cheese ball is easily had. And, if you don’t want to make it, you can probably get one at the local supermarket at almost any time of the year. But, at this time of the year, if you can’t find one, you aren’t looking. There is, to say the least, a veritable glut of the softened, rolled, curd confection in supermarkets during the holidays. After all, it’s the party season, plus all you need to do is consider the source – way back when, cheese, grain, and root veggies were pretty much what you had to live on when Winter solstice rolled around. They were food items that would keep, and could be stored away for the cold months when you didn’t have fresh stuff growing in the field… But, again, that is another blog…

Now, let us look at the versatility of our beloved cheese ball.

1) You can always take them to parties and they are an instant crowd pleaser – except where aliens are concerned, of which we have established my wife is one. Being an evil redheaded alien, I suspect she is probably their leader…

2) Leftover cheese ball makes a great snack on the leftover crackers the day after the party when you are too hung over to even think about cooking, and all you want to do is toss something down to quell the hunger. HINT: At this point, in order to keep from messing up the house any more than it already is, the leftover cheese ball on cracker should be consumed over the sink.

3) Leftover cheese ball works well as a sandwich spread to liven up that bologna or pressed ham/pickle loaf lunch meat you are taking to work with you between two slices of leftover bread from the party.

4) If folks show up unexpectedly, leftover cheese ball and crackers makes for a quick impromptu party snack. HINT: 10 seconds in the microwave and you can roll it back into a ball so it looks like new and they think you prepared it just for them alone. Simply pop it back in the fridge for a few minutes before serving.

5) Leftover cheese ball will last almost indefinitely. If you get a bit tired of it after the party, just put it in a Ziploc™ or Tupperware™ container, and stick it in the fridge. A few months later when you are looking for a midnight snack, dig it out and slap it on some Triscuits™ or Saltines™. HINT: If it is fuzzy, simply scrape off the moldy portion, discard it, and enjoy what is left. If the mold is blue, then don’t discard – it simply means you’ve got yourself a bleu cheese ball. (This is NOT to be confused with Blue Balls… As I said, climb on up out of the gutter…)

6) If you have run out of room in the fridge, then suck all the air out of the Ziploc™ (they have special ones with little vacuum pumps for that now to make it even easier) and toss it in the freezer. It will survive in there as long as, if not longer than, fruitcake.

7) If it is a port wine cheese ball, and you are out of booze, no worries. The wine is already in the cheese.

7A) If you are going to a wine and cheese party, by taking a port wine cheese ball you have covered all your bases, effectively killing both of the proverbial birds with a single cheese ball.

8) Leftover cheese ball – and even leftover cheese balls, as in many of them – along with a bit of milk and chicken or vegetable stock can be quickly and easily turned into cheese soup for a lovely first course.

9) If you are feeling really ambitious and are looking to impress folks, leftover cheese ball and a shot of brandy will render you a perfectly respectable fondue.

And, lastly…

10) A frozen cheese ball in a tube sock makes a great impromptu weapon if you have a household intruder. Then, merely pop it in the microwave for a few seconds, and you have a lovely snack to serve the cops who respond to the 911 call.

These are but 10 of the possibilities for the ever versatile cheese ball. I could go on and on, but the reality is, your own imagination is the only limiting factor. Cheese balls are one of the single greatest inventions of mankind, and most assuredly one of the most perfect foodstuffs…

So, anyone who doesn’t like them must be an alien, just like my wife…

More to come…

Murv