BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

…A stately pleasure dome decree…

(This blog was originally entitled “Two in one day” as a reference to the fact that I had managed to find time to post two blogs in one day. However, the first of the two wasn’t important enough to bother with migrating it here from Myspace, therefore, some obvious editing has been done, but more importantly, the name has been changed to confuse the audience…)

Not a record, but damn close considering how busy I am these days… But, I happen to have a few minutes in between household projects today, and I have a small story to relate…

It all starts with birthdays. Now, in theory (notice I am pointing out IN THEORY) I have one of those coming up. Honestly, I am not all that big on celebrating it. I mean, yeah, as long as I am around to see them that means I’m not dead, but, they really aren’t a big deal to me. I guess it was just the way I grew up. In my family the whole birthday thing pretty much stopped being a big deal when you were about 12. After that, the only hallmarks were the biggies – 16 – driving time. 18 – voting time (and for the boys, registering for selective service). And, finally, 21 – Legal drinking age. Other than that, birthdays were more or less just another day.

HOWEVER, Evil Kat’s family was exactly the opposite. Birthdays are a big deal. They have some manner of compulsive need to celebrate them. Now, it used to be that each and every birthday was celebrated individually with dinner, etc. Nowadays, with everyone being older and having a ton of things to do, scheduling such has become a nightmare. Therefore, in the interest of making it all work they have started doing birthday’s by quarters – i.e. 1 gathering for January – March birthdays, another gathering for April – June birthdays, and so on.

I was hoping that when they got combined it would be easier for mine to get lost in the shuffle. However, it has not. I made some seriously intense attempts at convincing folks that they had my birthdate wrong, with plans to do the same when the bogus date I offered rolled around. The idea was that I would be able to keep them bouncing back and forth so that they would forget it. Unfortunately, EK overheard and sold me out.

So, they know when my birthday really is…

Okay, now let’s add insult to injury. Every year I am asked what I want for my birthday. For some odd reason, “nothing” is not a sufficient answer for these folks. And, as always happens, EK ends up poking and prodding until I give up an answer. I tried tossing really expensive items out there in hopes that they would get the hint, but alas, that didn’t work either… So, in recent years I have finally given in. I have started giving them lists of inexpensive items that I would like to have, but haven’t had time to buy for myself.

(Guess what? I’m not actually to the point of this blog yet… But, you’re used to that by now, I suppose…)

So, last night was the 1st Quarter Birthday Gathering. This year I had supplied a list of DVD’s I wanted to add to my library. For those of you who don’t know this, I tend to collect TV series and movies that have either inspired me, or have some connection to my younger days…Stuff like Millennium, Pretender, The Die Hard Quad, etc… Among the movies on my list this go around was a cult classic, and one that most folks wouldn’t figure as my kind of flick – Xanadu.

Yes, Xanadu. The glitzy, schmaltzy, Olivia Newton-John pop-rock musical fantasy flick about a boy, a girl (actually a mythical goddess), and a roller disco.

Now, I am sure you are asking yourself, “why in the hell would Sellars, of all people, have a movie like Xanadu on his list?”

Well, actually I expected the family to think the same thing. I mean, horror writer guy wants a campy roller disco movie? Doesn’t really make sense, does it? Well, they didn’t bat an eye, so I got myself a Xanadu DVD among my gifts last evening.

But, back to why… There are many reasons…And, they are all relatively simple… Here are just a few…

1) Remember the bit about a connection to my younger days? Well, Xanadu hit the theaters the summer before I went away to college. As it happened, there was a cinema a few miles away that ran it as a matinee – all summer. So, since I often had nothing better to do, I would finish my running around in the outdoor mall then go park myself in the air conditioned cinema with a soda and a hot dog, and watch Xanadu. Admission was something like a buck fifty… Couldn’t beat it.

2) Yeah, but why Xanadu of all movies? Three words and a hyphen. Olivia Newton-John. In my youth, like many other red blooded males, I had it bad for ONJ. A crush of mammoth proportions. I mean, how could you not? That face, that body, those legs, that accent…And she could sing too. What wasn’t to love about the woman? Hell, I can remember spending a small fortune on 10th row floor tickets when she came to Saint Louis on the “Get Physical” tour. I even owned all her albums… For you kids, albums are those big, black, round things with grooves. They are what we dinosaurs had before CD’s. You can see them in museums, and if you are lucky, your parents might even have a few stashed away in a box somewhere.

3) Gene Kelly. Yeah, Gene Kelly is in the movie. And, while he only has a few dance numbers, we are talking about GENE FREAKIN’ KELLY here! He made it look so easy! And, getting to see him dance was a treat.

4) The music… Yeah, some of it is pop, glitzy, disco stuff…But, remember that was a part of that era. ELO (Electric Light Orchestra) and Jeff Lynne did quite a bit of the music. I happen to be an ELO fan.

5) ONJ’s character is a Muse. As in the Greek Goddess… Daughter of Zeus…all that jazz. Now how cool is that? I mean, she’s exactly what I would have wanted my muse to look like back then… These days, well, my muse is a redhead and she dresses a bit differently, but we won’t go there…

Anyway, those are just a few of the reasons…And, because of them, Xanadu has pretty much stuck out in my mind for years. Now, I heard that it had been redone as a Broadway type musical, and even saw some clips from that. Honestly, I think they hauled off and took a completely wonderful, campy, movie and totally ruined. However, there is still the original on DVD.

Which finally brings me to the point of this blog. I’ve been busier than hell and haven’t been able to spend much time with my family as of late. So, today, in between loads of laundry I took a couple of hours to hang with the munchkin’ now that she’s feeling better and over her stomach flu (I was hanging with her when she was sick, but that really wasn’t quality time if you know what I mean.) Anyway, we decided we would open up Xanadu and give it a watch, since with her being 8 she had never seen it, and it had been years since I had watch it as well. I fully expected her to enjoy the movie because she is all about music, dancing, and that sort of jazz.

And, she did.

What I didn’t expect, however, was that when the movie was over she burst into tears. I had no idea what was wrong, until she sobbed “that was beautiful”…

When I thought about it, I realized she was correct. And, maybe that was a hidden allure of Xanadu all along. Boy meets goddess, boy loses goddess, boy stands up goddess’ dad to get goddess back, and in the end, he does.

Who wouldn’t love a story like that?

More to come…

Murv

Wellllll, it seems the topic of Wendy’s struck a chord with many of you. I’ve received many comments and emails asking me to tell the story now instead of waiting until I come off the road.

We are still in Sanford, Maine, but right now Morrison is waxing prophetic about various things to a room full of folks (i.e. she’s giving a workshop and I’m not)…Sooooo, that means I actually have a little free time between signing books for folks. It’s probably the only free time I will have until we reach the end of the tour so I thought I’d drop in and run off at the mouth myself.

Big surprise, right? (Grin)

So, here’s the thing…I like hamburgers. Cheeseburgers, actually. Now, given a choice I will go for a really good restaurant style burger, but I don’t always have that opportunity. In a pinch, I’ll go for a fast food burger, and that includes Wendy’s. Now, of course, they have the odd notion (much like White Castle or Krystal’s) that hamburgers are square. This is something that I have problems wrapping my head around (yes, I know they stack and ship easier that way, but hamburger are round, cornbread are square where I come from…) Still, as fast food burgers go, Wendy’s makes an edible “sammich”. And, White Castles (i.e. belly bombers, sliders, whatever) are just horribly addictive. This is one of the reasons why I am inclined to believe there is something terribly evil about square hamburgers.

Anyhow, this book tour started in Nashville, TN…Burns, actually…And that was great. I’ll talk more about that leg of the trip when I do the flying pigs blog…Stop number two, however, was Indianapolis, IN. We started out on Monday last (5/21) with a fairly leisurely drive to Indiana from St. Louis. We hooked up with one of our favorite folks, Edain McCoy, who was gracious enough to open her home to us.

After the gig at Inner Path that evening, we were hungry. Now, something I’ve rambled about in the past is the fact that when authors get together they kibbitz and commiserate. Since we hadn’t seen Edain for some time, we decided we would all go back to her place, get in our “jammies”, order a pizza, and then visit for a few hours before grabbing some sleep.

This is where problem one occurs. Edain lives in a new subdivision that is outside Indianapolis proper, and no one was willing to deliver. Problem 1A is that there isn’t much around her area other than a CVS and a Wendy’s…Since the CVS was closed already (not to mention that we weren’t really all about nuking a frozen dinner), Wendy’s it was…

We all put our shoes back on (yeah, after being on your feet and such at a booksigning it is a great relief to do the patented “Die Hard” practice of kicking off your shoes and walking around making fists with your toes. Fortunately, Hans Gruber hasn’t shown up to chase me yet whenever I have done this…) So, anyway, we climb in the car and head for Wendy’s.

We reach the lovely oasis of square pressed beef patties and park. About the time we reach the door we discover a sign which says “Short Staff – Use Drive Thru – The Management”…Okay, no big deal. We get back in the car and put ourselves into the queue. When we finally reach the menu board a very unhappy sounding voice barks “Can I help you?”

Well, since I was driving I was charged with the duty of dolling out the orders, so I start the first of the three and the voice suddenly barks again, “You’re going to have to wait a minute.”

Okay. Obviously this person is harried here. No biggie, we wait.

And we wait…

And we wait.

Then we waited some more.

Finally, the still rather pissy voice comes back on and says, “Sorry for your wait, what would you like to order.” As an aside, I don’t actually believe she was sorry at all, but that might just be me…Anyway, I tell her, “I have a few orders here,” and then I give her the first. It happens to be Morrison’s and she wants something akin to a double burger with no pickles or ketchup and a side order of left handed wingnuts with flying monkeys. Okay, so I can’t remember her exact order at this point, but suffice it to say I couldn’t get across to Morrison that we weren’t at Burger King and that Wendy’s motto was NOT have it your way. But, Morrison never listens to me anyway, and to be honest that’s not actually an important point.

It was at this point the pissy voice barks back, “Are these going to be all on one order?!”

Okay…My bad. I had used the phrase “a few orders” so I can easily understand the confusion. I replied, “Yes, it’s all one order.”

This was problem two. Miss Piss on the other side of the intercom didn’t let me get even that short sentence completely out of my mouth before once again demanding to know if it was one order or if it was going to be several tickets. As soon as I could get a word in edgewise I said, “No hon, it’s all on one but I just have to get the individual orders from a few different folks in the car.”

Now…I am willing to admit that there might have been a bit of mild exasperation in my voice, but nothing angry or pissy. I even have witnesses to that effect. I am also willing to own the fact that I said “hon”. Maybe that was a problem too, but I am from the South and that is not a particularly abnormal thing to say. Of course, maybe in Indianapolis it is viewed as condescending, I don’t know. If it is, I can only apologize and say that it certainly wasn’t my intention. Either way, I am willing to own those two points and state that if they were the problem I am at fault.

However, I don’t think that was the problem. What I am inclined to believe is that someone didn’t feel like working. Anyhow, Miss Piss proceeds to begin talking over me again. This time, however, she shouts something on the order of, “There’s no reason for you to have an attitude and if you’re going to give me attitude you can just leave!”

Remember, she didn’t “say” this. She SHOUTED this.

We all blinked.

We blinked again.

Even with the highway nearby you could hear a pin drop.

Then we collectively picked up our jaws and reseated them on our faces.

Morrison tells everyone now, after the fact, that she was sitting there counting down because she knew we had about five seconds before the tires would squeal. I don’t doubt this. We know each other fairly well.

Well…About five seconds later, the tires squealed. Not because I was being hot headed, but just the nature of accelerating away across asphalt while turning the wheel. As we pulled from the parking lot, Miss Piss actually hung out of the drive through window and screamed very sarcastically, “Have a nice evening!”

Morrison has perpetuated this story all over Pennsylvania and New England ever since. Everywhere we go she now tells everyone that, “Sellars got her kicked out of a Wendy’s in Indianapolis.” Of course, she does then tell the story so that everyone knows she is just joking about the “kicked out” part.

I have to wonder if Dave Thomas is rolling over in his grave. Who knows…Maybe he will haunt his daughter and while she is surfing the web perhaps she will run across this blog and discover the fresh tarnish on her name.

Oh, and by the way, we did finally get something to eat…We had Taco Bell for dinner that evening, and it was very good. The people working there were even pleasant and polite.

I think I’ll probably visit Taco Bell again. Wendy’s, not so much.

I guess this just proves that square hamburgers really are evil. Something even tells me Miranda probably likes them a lot…

We are off to Long Island tomorrow for an evening book signing and workshop, so I doubt I’ll have much of a chance to post anything more until the end of the tour.

So….Till the next time…

Murv