BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I raced up the stairs, trying my damnedest not to kill myself in the process. You see, our house is old. VERY old. What’s more, the basement stairs were apparently cut and assembled by a rag-tag group of chimpanzees that were somewhere in the middle of a 30 day beer binge – I know this because I found a few of the “church key” topped cans in the wall when we remodeled and tore out the plaster and lath. The other reason I know this is because one stair might have a 7 1/2 inch rise with a 10 inch tread, but the next will have a 10 inch rise with a 7 inch tread. Of course, the one that follows usually has a 4 inch rise and a 12 inch tread, but I think you get the idea. The thing of it is, there’s no discernible pattern, even where muscle memory is concerned. Therefore, much killing of oneself occurs on these stairs, especially when you are in a hurry.

I know, I should probably just rip them out and replace them, like I did with their fraternal twins that led upstairs to the half story. But, that’s beside the point. This blog is actually about Dorothy Morrison and telephones.

Dorothy and cell phones, to be exact…

You see, Dorothy Morrison is a friend of mine. In fact, she is one of my best friends in the whole world. For those of you who might not know just who Dorothy is click on her name and follow the link. It will take you to her website. She’s a fantastic author and we often tour together. We are so much like brother and sister that we had to have been siblings in a previous life. It’s that simple.

So, anyway, there I was, trying hard not to kill myself as I bounded up the stairs from the basement. It was Christmas Day. Just this past Christmas Day 2009, as a matter of fact. Presents had been opened, breakfast had been consumed, showers had been had, and I had finished all of the cooking and meal prep work. We were gathering things together so we could load up and head out to visit with E Kay’s family. I was down in the basement – also known as E Kay’s Dungeon and Playroom – so that I could snag a box or two in order to make the packing up a bit easier. I had already had to skirt my way around the rack, the Iron Maiden, and all of E Kay’s other “toys” without injuring myself, and so far I had been doing fine.

Then I heard it. My cell phone, which was upstairs on the dining room table, began to belt out a jazzy show tune sort of ring. Only one person in my phone book was assigned this particular melange of electronic chirps – Dorothy.

Now, one would imagine that it would be just as easy to safely negotiate the stairs and return the call if missed. But, I knew better. I knew that Dorothy and her husband were on vacation, therefore in all likelihood she was calling me from her cell phone.

“Okay… So what?” you ask.

Well, I’ll tell you. Better yet, allow me to illustrate by finishing the story.

… The boxes I had been carrying flew out of my hands, as they were all but forgotten. I stumbled up the stairs at a frantic pace, losing a shoe and banging my shin on the 12 inch riser because I had miscalculated after taking the two 4 inch risers at once. The cats scattered in front of me – after all, wouldn’t you too if a fat guy was falling up the stairs at you?

My head bounced off the door frame as I fell through the opening, then rolled across the floor, came up into a dead run… Well, a limping dead run… E K was yelling from our bedroom upstairs, wanting to know why she was hearing a show tune, the offspring was surveying her bounty yet again, and the clock was ticking. I rounded the corner from the hallway and dove for the dining room table, snagging my phone as I crashed through the chairs and ended in a crumpled heap against the wall.

“Hello? Hello?” I said, speaking into the now unfolded cell between labored breaths. But alas, no one was there. Though I knew it was a longshot – and I do mean longshot – I pressed the button to return the missed call, which the tiny LCD screen was telling me had, in fact, come from Dorothy. Moreover, it told me it had come from Dorothy’s cell.

The tiny speaker on my LG warbled twice then clicked. The click, as I had fully expected, was followed by a voice mail prompt.

You see, here’s the thing… Dorothy suffers from CPFCS (Cell Phone Flash Calling Syndrome). She calls you, leaves a message, then before the last syllable has even finished echoing, she switches off her cell phone. Yes, just like a criminal on the run who fears being tracked by a cell phone signal, she shuts the thing down. I’m not absolutely certain, but I think she might even take the battery out of the damn thing.

I have attempted interventions in the past, gathering together friends and other authors who know Dorothy, but we have never had any success. No matter how hard we try, she still calls, leaves a message, then turns off her phone so that you can’t reach her. We even tried to bring her husband in on the intervention once, but Mark has been living under the same roof with her for so long that he has become jaded to this behavior.

When we told him what we were planning and why, he simply responded, “You’ll have that.”

Unable to reach Dorothy, I listened to the voice mail. As I suspected it would be, she was calling to wish us a Merry Christmas. Of course, I couldn’t return the greeting because she had turned off her phone. For that very same reason I also couldn’t call her horrible and terrible names for relaxing in Key West while I was preparing to load a vehicle in snow and sub-freezing temperatures.

Still, even though she couldn’t hear me, I called her names anyway. All in good fun, of course.

I mean, we’re talking about Dorothy Morrison here…

You’ll have that.

More to come…

Murv

Yep, it appears that it is once again time for a FAQ answer session filled with FAQ’s and “not so FAQ’s” that are asked a bit more rarely. A few of these are pretty normal questions – exactly the kind you would expect. However, some of these queries are a bit on the odd side. Still, the one thing they all have in common is that they have actually been asked at least once, and in many cases more than once.

True story…

And, you know, I have a strange feeling I’ve answered some of these before… So, since some of them are “Not So F A FAQ’s” with a bit of a weird bent,  I think maybe I’ll answer them with “Not So Answer Answers” and my tongue planted firmly in cheek.

1. What is your safe word?

I’m not entirely sure what makes you think I have one. I mean, what good would it do? E K doesn’t respond to such things.

2. How many more Rowan Gant novels will there be? (This one really is frequently asked, but it bears repeating at this juncture.)

I’ve always said that when people stop buying them I’ll stop writing them. Well, with that statement in mind I’ll give you the only answer I can – Let’s hope the economy and book sales pick up soon or the end of the RGI series will be wayyyyy sooner than I’d like.

3. What is E Kay’s shoe size?

So, what’s your story here? Retifism, Podophilia, or since they go hand in hand a combination thereof? Or should I say foot in foot? Foot in hand? Foot in mouth? Hell, I give up…

In any case, I’ll let you ask her that yourself, and you’d best be prepared to tell her why you want to know. If it’s an innocuous reason – though I’m not entirely sure what that would be, unless maybe you are wanting to give her free shoes or something – then all good. If not, then I want to be present so I can see her go ballistic on someone besides me for a change, whereupon you  just might get the answer to your question when you are finally able to dislodge her shoe from darker regions of your person. Of course, maybe that’s what you are trying to accomplish and well… good luck with that.

4. Do you really cut your own grass?

Nope. Not really. The magical garden gnomes from the land of Zoysia do it with the golden scissors of Fescue…

Of course I mow my own lawn. (ROFL!) Who else is going to do it?

However, if that question was some kind of metaphor, then it doesn’t even apply. Not my thing.

5. I’m an amateur filmmaker. Can I have permission to make the Rowan Gant novels into movies?

Are you going to sell the movies? Are you going to publicly display the movies? There are tons of questions that go along with such things. Better you ask my publisher. They handle the legal stuff.

6. How long have you and Dorothy Morrison been married?

Well, let’s see… As of 10/31/09 E K and I have been officially married 22 years.

Morrison has been married to her husband, Mark, for something on the order of 10 or 11 years I think, but you’d have to ask her to be sure.

Oh, you mean you thought we were married to each other? Nope.

7. Will you tell your publisher to publish my book?

Are you kidding? They don’t listen to me. Next question.

8. Are you Wiccan? (Another frequent query)

No. I studied Wicca for many, many years and at one time self-identified as Pagan, though I no longer do that either. I actually self-identify as a Secular Humanist with Pagan roots who does NOT deny that magic can work. Try fitting that one in the “religion declared” box on a hospital admission form. You have to write really small.

9. How long did it take you to learn Gaelic so you could write Felicity’s dialogue?

Forever. Studying day in, day out. Long nights. Weekends. It was grueling…

Truth is, I don’t know Gaelic. What little I do actually “know” I cannot pronounce to save my life. However,  I do have English to Gaelic dictionaries, phrase books, and more importantly, Anastasia – who does know Gaelic – to help me translate Felicity’s “excited / agitated” dialogue.

10. I heard M. R. Sellars is actually dead and that his books are being released posthumously by his children, and that you are just a shill for the family. Is that true?

You caught me. I’m not actually M. R. Sellars. I’m a paid actor and my real name is Buck Nekkid, wanna see my SAG card?

Sheesh… Are you kidding me?

It amazes me that this rumor is still circulating. Okay, for the umpteen-hundredth time:

My father, M. R. Sellars SENIOR – who never, ever wrote a book – passed away in 2003.

I, M. R. Sellars JUNIOR – the guy who writes the books – am still alive.

Also, I have a child, not children, and she’s only 10. So, in short, no. It’s not true. It’s false.

11. Why a female serial killer? That’s not right. Women shouldn’t kill men. It goes against the natural order of things.

Dude… People shouldn’t kill, period. But, it happens. And,  in my experience, women probably have way more valid reasons to kill men than the other way around. Do yourself a favor though. Don’t ask that question around E K or you might end up being a statistic. Oh, and from the implications behind the question (and the missive surrounding the question, which I am not reprinting here) you appear to have a bit of a misogynistic streak.  You might want to consult a therapist about that…

12. What ever happened with Fuddrucker’s and that blog you wrote about the bad burger in Detroit?

They were actually very nice and tried to make good on it. Unfortunately, I thought the gift card they were going to send me was for their restaurant and that I’d be able to use it while traveling. Instead, for some odd reason, they sent me a gift card to Wal-Mart. As many of you well know – or perhaps not and maybe I should blog about it sometime – E K will NOT allow me to shop at Wal-Mart. She is militantly ANTI-Wal-Mart… Bumper sticker and all…

So, I gave it to a friend who lives far enough away so as to be out of the E K Zone, and therefore he cannot be subjected to the Eebil Stare, etc…

13. I/we would like to invite you to XYZ event in ABC-Town.

Thank you. I appreciate the invitation. While I do some of my own booking, most of it is handled by my publicists. You can contact them via email at – S_Mccoy@sbcclobal.net or Wendy@willowtreepress.com. Either one of them can set things up as well as send you a copy of my event contract outlining my requirements for travel, lodging, and compensation. Just a quick note – my schedule can tend to fill up fast so book early. You may also wish to check my schedule on my website first, but please note – just because a date has not yet been scheduled on that page does not mean it is guaranteed to be free.

14. I am having trouble with this/that/who/what/when and I need you to give me a spell.

I am sincerely sorry that you are having issues with someone or something. You have my deepest sympathies, as I deal with my own issues in my own life as well. That said, and this is probably going to sound harsh, but there’s no way around that – No, I am not going to “give you a spell.”

Here’s the deal: I write fiction novels about a Witch. I do NOT write “how-to” books about magic and Witchcraft. However, even if I did write non-fiction that would not mean I had hung out a shingle purporting myself to be the spell merchant of the Internet.

Yes, I have a rich and diverse background in Earth Based and Magical/Magickal Spirituality, however, just because I write a series of fiction novels featuring such and present a workshop or two on the subject at events, this does not make me your local “Magical Pharmacist” who dispenses spells and charms as if they were generic pain pills and antidepressants.

If you wish to play around with or  better yet, seriously practice Witchcraft, Hoodoo, or any other magical system out there, I would highly suggest you purchase a non-fiction book on the subject and read it beginning to end. There are a enormous number of absolutely fantastic authors out there who write just such tomes, and I even have several of their works on the shelves here in the office for reference myself.

15. You blogged (Hypersonic Man Squee!) that you were going to be on a podcast with, and get to speak to, your all time favorite actress, Megan Gallagher. How did that go?

Ms. Gallagher was absolutely lovely, and I do mean lovely. Down to earth, personable, funny, and an absolute joy to speak with and listen to.

Me, however… I did just what I feared I would do and had even stated on my Myspace page that I would likely do – I went completely fan boy on the poor woman, and blithered like a total idiot. Fortunately, thanks to some absolutely superb editing by the techie co-host of the Millennium Group Sessions, Troy Foreman, I sounded halfway reasonable on the final version of the show that is actually available for download- but only halfway. A good 20 minutes (best guess) of me gushing, rambling, and making a fool of myself ended up in the trash bin (or, more likely made into a “blooper reel” so that Troy and James can play it back and laugh at me. Trust me, I don’t blame them. I would laugh at me too if I wasn’t completely mortified.)

And, if I had to guess I’d say Ms. Gallagher probably hung up the phone  at the end of the interview then immediately contacted the authorities to have an ex parte restraining order sworn out against me. I don’t blame her either. While I am perfectly harmless – and, moreover, painfully embarrassed by my descent into unbridled fannishness – she has no way of knowing that.

If there is a benevolent deity out there somewhere (besides E K, what with her not being all that benevolent, as we well know) it is my sincere hope that I am smiled upon and never have occasion to run into Ms. Gallagher at an S/F Con where I might be appearing, or anywhere else for that matter. If I do, I can guarantee you I won’t have an opportunity to go fan boy again, because I will die right there on the spot, a victim of a massive coronary brought on by my own abject embarrassment over what a complete and utter moron I was during the recording of the interview.

Sounds like it went pretty well, eh?

Okay… That’s about all I can take for this episode. Keep the questions coming and I’ll keep making up crap to answer them.

Seriously. If you have a question email it to me. You just might end up in a blog…

More to come…

Murv