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  • Goodbye Cruel World…

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    170signThere is a stretch of highway in Saint Louis county known as I-170. Sometimes it is called the “Innerbelt”, although these days that term is not as prevalent as it was once upon a time. A time, incidentally, that I am actually old enough to remember.

    You see, way back when, in the days of dinosaurs and mammoths, I-170 was designated as 725. These days I-170 stretches from the Highway 40 interchange in the southern portion of the county, up to the I-270 interchange in the north. But, back when it was called 725 – or, as we teens at the time called it, Seven And A Quarter – the Innerbelt ran from Eager Road in the south and unceremoniously ended with a barricade and a single must take exit at Page Avenue, smack in the middle of Northwest County. Back then it was the quickest way – and ostensibly, still is – to get to Clayton. You may have heard of Clayton – and no, I’m not talking about Clayton Moore aka The Lone Ranger. Clayton, Missouri is where you find the county courthouse.

    But, as usual, I’m not actually writing this blog to talk about Clayton. I’m writing it to talk about construction.

    Road construction to be precise.

    Many years ago, as the dinosaurs were dying out and mammals were becoming the dominant species (i.e. my early, early 20’s) our short little stretch of tarmac, so lovingly known as Seven And A Quarter became I-170 and was expanded, lengthened, what have you. Well, as urban sprawl continues to… well… sprawl, traffic changes and what seemed like a good idea at the time no longer meets the needs of the unforeseen future. So, things get torn up, rebuilt, expanded, stretched, widened, and otherwise completely re-invented.

    Such was the case with I-170. At some point during my late, late 30’s the powers that be realized that the person who had originally designed the interchange at I-170 and I-270 had probably been smoking crack while drawing up the plans. It was probably one of the wort, most congested, and literally dangerous interchanges known to man. So, in a bid to correct the mistake, they redesigned it, tore it all up, and made a bigger and better interchange between the thoroughfares.

    Then, traffic increased on I-170 because the I-270 terminus was no longer a clusterf*ck. What did that mean? Well, simple. It made the rest of I-170 a cluster. What was once a lonely stretch of road connecting two parts of the county was becoming a parking lot every morning and evening throughout the week. So, what did the powers that be do? Well, the only thing they could. They found someone else who wasn’t on crack, redesigned the Innerbelt, tore it up, and made it better than it was.

    Better, stronger, faster…

    Let me tell you, it cost more than 6 million bucks too. It even cost more than 7 million (the pricetag on the Bionic Woman… ya’know, inflation and all…)

    But, in the end, congestion was alleviated and I-170, while not returned to its original quietude as 725, became much easier and faster to travel. In many ways this is good. In others, maybe not so much. You see, living where we do, I-170 is pretty much a main thoroughfare for us. It is  close by, easily accessible, and an artery that will take us most anywhere we need or want to go – even if it is simply getting us to a different highway in order to reach our final destination. Therefore, E K and I travel it often.

    Such was the case just the other day.

    As we cruised along in the northbound lanes, wind whistling past the Evil-Mobile, (at the time the cloaking device was on and switched to Soccer Mom Van mode), and traveling somewhere near 987 miles per hour, (E K may be a petite bundle of mean, but her foot weighs 12 metric tonnes whenever it comes into contact with a gas pedal), we were watching the landscape flashing in the windows. Bare patches of flattened land were evident where grassy berms and stands of trees once lined the thoroughfare. Nearing our exit I happened to glance to the left and noticed the carcass of a rather large groundhog, sprawled lifeless in the center emergency lane against the better than 3 foot high concrete dividers.

    I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the creature, and vocalized my theory about its demise.

    “Poor bastard was probably just trying to cross the road and got stuck there because of the dividers and traffic,” I lamented.

    groundhogEK  clucked her tongue and said, “Maybe it ran into traffic on purpose.”

    I furrowed my brow and grunted, “Whaddaya mean?”

    “I mean maybe it finally had enough of us tearing up its home and it just ran into traffic to commit suicide.”

    You know, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if E K was right about that. And, what’s worse – If I were a groundhog trying to escape the utter insanity of human urban sprawl, I might just do the same…

    More to come…

    Murv

  • We’re Off To See The Blizzard…

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    If you follow me on Twitter, you already know that sometime early Thursday morning 4/2, I lamented the fact that according to the national weather service, a blizzard is supposed to hit Wayne, NE this weekend. Why would I worry about a blizzard in Wayne, NE? Well, because as I write this I am sitting on the floor outside my gate at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, on my way to Wayne… Now, I won’t be able to actually post this until I arrive at my destination (via Sioux City, IA BTW – Airport code SUX… yeah, no kidding.) I can’t post this yet because it seems that airports have done away with free wi-fi and are now charging 8 bucks for a couple of hours. I don’t need it that bad… What I need is a Crackberry….

    Either way, I had intended to tweet along, letting y’all know what was going on as I embarked on this odyssey to be Guest of Honor at WillyCon XI, the Wayne State College SF/Fantasy convention. However, I have obviously been thwarted in that respect.

    So…This first leg of my journey will be compressed here as a randomly entered journal of pseudo tweets… My personal hashtag for this will be #fuckme… I will also be adding psuedo tweets from others who had a direct influence on my trip, but didn’t even know they were tweeting:

    @mrsellars – Fuck me. Lambert airport is charging for Wi-Fi. No tweets till I make it to Minneapolis.


    @mrsellars – Why is the turbine on the left engine going whocka-whocka-whocka-thumpa-whap?


    @mrsellars – How many hamsters does it take to make that turbine turn so fast?

    @flight_attendant – We use guinea pigs on this plane.

    @mrsellars – Okay, I’ll bite. How many guinea pigs?

    @flight_attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.


    @flight_attendant_#2 – Wah wah wah, nah wahm nah wah…nom.

    @mrsellars – Damn… She sounds like the adults on a Charlie Brown cartoon.


    @flight_attendant – Coffee?

    @mrsellars – Yes, please.


    @mrsellars – Roller coaster turbulence over Iowa. My theory? Rising gases from a cloud of cow farts.


    @mrsellars – May I have some more coffee?

    @flight_attendant – I think you’ve had quite enough sir.


    @mrsellars – On ground in Minneapolis. Texted E K. Now sitting and waiting for gate to be free.


    @mrsellars – Damn! The universe apparently knows I missed my morning walk. Arrived gate F12 – connection at gate A11. Walkies!


    @mrsellars – Still 3 hours before I can board egg beater express bound for Sioux City. ½ cup of Fiber One at 6AM now wearing off. Need food.

    @mrsellars – Nothing here. Food court ½ mile back the way I came. Walkies!

    @mrsellars – Quizno’s line around block. Employees moving in slow motion. Stomach not happy.

    @mrsellars – Caribou coffee across the way. Going there.


    @mrsellars – Consumed not so stellar 2 dollar roast turkey wrap with 1 dollar 11 oz beverage that had blue green algae in it. Total cost $11.05.

    @mrsellars – Floor show during lunch. Captain Important paced back and forth in front of me yelling into his bluetooth headset. Impressive.

    @mrsellars – Walkies! Now back at gate. No seats available. Crap. I’ll sit over here on the floor.


    @mrsellars – Okay. Now I’ll tweet for a bit.

    @mrsellars – FUCK ME! Minneapolis charges for Wi-Fi too!

    @mrsellars – Fuggit. I’ll write it on word and post it as a blog later.


    @mrsellars – Damn! How far up do her legs go? Interesting view from down here on the floor.


    @mrsellars – Shit (or :poopie: for the Bitten by Books chatroom crowd.) My foot fell asleep.


    @mrsellars – Aha! People going to Ohio are boarding. Now’s my chance for a seat in the waiting area.


    @mrsellars – Missing my desk chair. It’s a hell of a lot more comfortable than this one.


    @Gate_Attendant – Sir… Sir! Are you on this flight to Ohio?

    @mrsellars – no ma’am.

    @Gate_Attendant – Are you sure?

    @mrsellars – Well, no, I don’t guess I am. I just told your ticket agent to give me a boarding pass for a random flight. Maybe I should look.

    @Gate_Attendant – Why are you wearing shorts? It’s 30 degrees outside.

    @mrsellars – It’s complicated. You see, I have a condition.


    @Blond_Gate_Agent – Yah…Yah…I doo, don’tcha know…Yah…

    @Original_Gate_Agent – Yah, yah… I doo too, yah’know… Yew betcha…

    @mrsellars – Yep. I’m definitely in Minnesota.


    @mrsellars – Holy crap… I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much “A Prairie Home Companion” hair all in one place my entire life.

    @mrsellars – I didn’t even know they could still do those hairstyles. I wonder how many curlers they used on that one…


    @mrsellars – They just started up one of the egg beaters. I can still identify individual blades on the prop even though the engine is screaming like a banshee.

    @mrsellars – Wait… I can see the pilot through the windscreen…

    @mrsellars – Reading the pilot’s lips – I think I can, I think I can…


    @mrsellars – Might need to go back for coffee. Another ½ mile. Getting workout today.


    @mrsellars – I haz a headache. Battery on notebook running low. Might need to find an outlet.


    @mrsellars – Went about ¼ mile. Came across machine that sells coffee for a dollar. Decided to give it a try.

    @mrsellars – Punched in 1 F 3 for what was supposed to be a Butterfinger Latte.

    @mrsellars – Got 6 F 6 instead – year old pencil shavings strained through one of E Kay’s stockings with lukewarm water and a hint of rancid honey.

    @mrsellars – Don’t ask me how I know what E Kay’s stockings taste like. I won’t tell you.


    @mrsellars – How far is it from F12 to A11?

    @Another_Gate_Agent – A little over two miles.

    @mrsellars – Srsly?

    @Another_Gate_Agent – Yah.

    @mrsellars – Yep. Got my exercise.


    @cellphone – Boopee Doopee Doopee Dooooo Ahhhh Boopee…

    @mrsellars – Hello?

    @EK – Hi.

    [Rest of conversation censored due to graphic depictions of @mrsellars imagination along with sappy woodja-woodja lovey stuff…]


    @mrsellars – Still have headache. Took aspirin. Noticed that people in Minnesota have apparently never seen a man wearing shorts before.

    @mrsellars – Another hour plus left before the egg beater express flits me off to Sioux City. Hear they have Fly SUX T-shirts for sale. MUST have one…

    @mrsellars – Srsly. It’s a moral imperative.


    @mrsellars – Gate change. Oh joy… Not.


    @mrsellars – Apparently Minnesotans are also AFRAID to SPEAK to a man wearing shorts.


    @mrsellars – Thought I just saw Maurice Minnifield from Northern Exposure…

    @mrsellars – No, not the actor. The REAL Maurice Minnifield…


    @mrsellars – Damn! Rest of the passengers caught on to the gate change, and followed me over here. So much for a peaceful flight.


    @mrsellars – Imagining E K wearing [CENSORED]


    @mrsellars – {Bored Sigh}


    @mrsellars – Wondering if @PaulCooked ever got that badger off his head…


    @mrsellars – Pretty sure I just saw Kenny Rogers working on the ground crew. Must be paying off “Gambler” debts. (Ha! I kill me!)


    @mrsellars – Guy with HUGE ASS headphones staring at me. Kinda freaky.


    @mrsellars – Egg beater express got upgraded. Now flying on Estes model rocket. Hope the nose cone doesn’t suddenly fall off. Don’t wanna land using a plastic parachute.


    @passenger – I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

    @mrsellars – Okay, but the flight is only half full and the flight attendant said sit anywhere you want.

    @passenger – My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

    @mrsellars – Are you just dying to sit next to me or something?

    @passenger – But… But… My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

    @mrsellars – Okay, “Sheldon”, how about if I move and let you have that seat.

    @passenger – But, but… Doesn’t your ticket say you are supposed to sit here?

    @mrsellars – No, “Sheldon”… My ticket says general seating. It’ll be okay…


    @Flight_Attendant – Coffee?

    @mrsellars – Yes, please.

    @Flight_Attendant – Cream and sugar?

    @mrsellars – Is the coffee really THAT bad?

    @Flight_Attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.


    And, now I’m here, and life is getting back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be for an old guy on a college campus, anyway…

    More to come…

    Murv