BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

For the title of this blog entry to actually make any sense, we really need to jump into the “wayback machine” and set the dial for 2008.

Well… I suppose that would technically make it a “recent back” or maybe “near back” machine…

Suffice it to say, we have to take a short jaunt back in time.

Ready?

Okay, here we go…

Kerchunk, flumminerp! Glorp. Chonk. Chonk. Glorp.

And, here we are…

In 2008 I attended a wonderful little gathering called “OstaraFest.” It was held in Killeen / Fort Hood, Texas, and sponsored by Sisters of the Earth and Sea, a fantastic little spirituality store there in town. The owners, Joyce and Lolly, brought Morrison and me in for the event, and were not only by proxy, but by self-assignation, our handlers. This meant Joyce took care of Morrison, and Lolly took care of me – as in, seeing to it I was where I needed to be when I needed to be there, that I had a ride to and from the hotel, and very importantly, that I ate.

This is where the fun began. So much was happening at the 1 day festival proper, that Lolly forgot to “feed me.” Not for the whole event, mind you. Just lunch on Saturday during the event. It was really a comedy of errors to be sure, as it went something like this –

Lolly: “Murv, have you eaten yet?”

Me: “No, but I’m giving a workshop in 5 minutes.”

Lolly: “I’ll get you some lunch as soon as you are finished.”

2 hours later…

Lolly: “Murv, have you eaten yet?”

Me: “No, but I’m giving a workshop in 5 minutes.”

Lolly: “I’ll get you some lunch as soon as you are finished.”

2 hours later…

Lolly: “Murv, have you eaten yet?”

Me: “Nope…”

Lolly: “Ummm… the vendors ran out of food.”

In all honesty, it wasn’t a big deal. Seriously. I hadn’t even thought about eating, plus I’m a fat guy. I could probably go for a week without food, no worries. Still, the entire debacle became a running joke.

Back into the “way-near-back-forward machine” we go…

Prolg. Knohc. Knohc. Prolg. Prenimmulf, knuhcrek!

And here we are, back in 2010. Morrison and I were invited back to Texas for the second OstaraFest (they had to skip 2009 for a variety of reasons). Again, Joyce and Lolly were our defacto handlers, but this time they also enlisted the aid of their husbands, AND everyone else within a 25 mile radius. It seems Lolly was dead set on making sure “Murv gets fed.”

After the harrowing experience of the Flight Attendant from Hell, not to mention being up since 3AM and hanging out in airports, I was ready to relax when I arrived. Lolly hauled me off to their house, where they set me up in a guest room with my own private bath – complete with a huge faux fish tank and flamingos – see photos…

Then, once I was settled in her husband Doug began providing me with beer. Now, I already liked Doug to begin with. We had met during my previous trip and he’s a really great guy. But, now he was giving me beer. Therefore, we was instantly elevated to best friend status. That evening we had Beer Butt Chicken, Brisket, Baked Beans, and Cole Slaw. And, of course, more beer.

But, that was just the beginning…

The next morning, Lolly had to head off to the festival early to do setup. I wasn’t due there for a while, so I became Doug’s charge. Apparently he had been told not to feed me beer for breakfast, so we drove over to Joyce’s, where Butch, her husband, was tasked with preparing breakfast for Morrison and me. Upon entering the house it became obvious that all would be good. Not only was there coffee, but pepper bacon, sausage, biscuits, cantaloupe, sliced tomatoes, and even chocolate muffins; Butch was simply waiting for us to arrive so that he could find out what we wanted in our made to order omelets. Nope. Not kidding. See photographic evidence on the right…

So, after having a breakfast that simply couldn’t be beat, we were off to the festival itself. This is where things became a little crazy – if I was asked by one person, I was asked by thirty-five of them, “Murv, has Lolly fed you yet?” Well, as it happens, a young man with a menu had searched me out and taken my order, then delivered lunch right back into my hands. Therefore, I had been the recipient of an utterly fantastic Brisket Sammich with all the trimmings. Of course, as soon as I finished it I was asked by Joyce if Lolly had fed me yet. I told her “Nope,” to which she immediately went into a tizzy and told me she would see to it that I was fed. Unfortunately, Morrison stopped her and told her I was lying before I could get my hands on another sammich. Ahem… Curse you Dorothy Morrison… Of course, it was probably a good thing I didn’t get that second sandwich because that evening Butch and Joyce hosted us for dinner and we were treated to both Chicken Gumbo and “Sweep the Swamp Gumbo” (crawfish, shrimp, and alligator). And, I have to say it was probably even the best gumbo I’d ever eaten – maybe even better than any I’ve had in NOLA over the years – of course, Joyce is from Louisiana, so I don’t suppose I should be surprised.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. Once again, I was shuttled off to Butch and Joyce’s for breakfast. This time, in addition to all of the original fixin’s, Butch was preparing pancakes and fried eggs.

Now… I suppose you are wondering at this point why I have all of these pictures of said food items. Trust me, everyone there was wondering why I was pulling out my cell phone and snapping pictures.

Well, what’s a blog entry from me without a few pics, right? Besides, since there was this running joke, it was pretty much a moral imperative that I see to it there was photographic evidence of the chow.

And again, after another incredible breakfast, we were off to the store to do seminars and sign books. Near the end of my workshop, the door to the room slid open and a hand slipped through. It belonged to Lolly of all people, and in it was a dressed hot dog. It seems that after everyone else had seen to it I was fed, Lolly wanted to make up for having NOT fed me at the last event. And so, she has her own photographic evidence of having “fed the author”…

Yep, that’s MY hand in there grabbing the plate… I was hungry!

That evening, we were hustled off to Ernie’s, a local bar with utterly fantastic burgers. During all of this, whenever I would sign a book or simply be on my way to the restroom, people would ask me, “Murv, has Lolly fed you yet?”

I think maybe I put on elebenty-twelve pounds while I was there. But, I think we’ve finally answered the ages old question – How Many People Does It Take To Feed Murv?

Half the state of Texas, apparently…

More to come…

Murv

I know this is going to come off as hubris in the worst way, but I was recently quoted in a news story and I thought I should let everyone know in case some of you missed it but might still have a passing interest in what I had to say.

The Associative Press

SAINT LOUIS, MO – The recent discovery of a new quantum mass in a small suburb of Saint Louis has yielded sufficient evidence to prompt leading physicists to abandon the “God Particle Theory”. The Higgs boson, nicknamed the “God Particle” by researchers was once considered the “Holy Grail” of the scientific community and was hoped to be experimentally proven when the much touted Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Geneva eventually comes online. However, the Higgs boson has now joined the ranks of such debunked scientific hypothesis as “Flat Earth” and “The Moon being composed of green cheese.” The demise of the “God Particle” was brought about by the newly discovered Briggs stratton, which was detected via a hybrid science that blends quantum mechanics and chaos theory.

Doctor Earl-Bob “Bubba Doc” Fröedingschlösser, lead researcher on the project credited his assistant, Rhonda-Sue Crawford with the initial discovery. “We was on our way over to the stop ‘n shop to pick up some more beers when she saw ’em,” he said. “Rot there on the curb, purty as a pickshure.”

“He’s rot,” Ms. Crawford agreed. “Them metal tubes, they was jes sittin’ there.”

Doctor Fröedingschlösser further explained how the tubes led to the discovery of the Briggs stratton. “Well of course we stopped,” he said. “They was enough scrap there to git us change for at least a six pack. Maybe even a six and a coupl’a Big Buford’s from the burger stand if we was lucky. Anyways, we went to puttin’ them tubes inta the back uh my truck, an I guess we was bein’ a bit noisy. That’s pretty much when it happened.”

“Earl jes tossed ’em in there, ya see,” Ms. Crawford added to the explanation. “Made a whole lotta noise. Next thing you know, there it was.”

Doctor Fröedingschlösser agreed with his colleague. “Yep, there it was all right. Scared the beejeezus outta me. We wuz lucky though. Rhonda-Sue was textin’ her momma ta’ see if she wanted us ta’ pick up some diapers and Marlboro’s for ‘er, so she was able ta’ git a pickshure on the camry part of ‘er phone.”

The Briggs stratton      Photo Credit: Rhonda-Sue Crawford

“It’s jes a little blurry,” Ms. Crawford added. “But it all happened so fast I was lucky I got the pickshure took at all before it started hittin’ Earl over the head with a shoe.”

According to Doctor Fröedingschlösser the newly discovered, and highly charged particle was dubbed the Briggs stratton due to the deafening, lawnmower engine-like sound emanating from it as it accelerated toward them. He commented, “This here’s one of them particles that don’t even need no collider. It’ll collide ya’ all by itself, an’ lemme tell ya’, when it does you hurt like hell for a week at least.”

When asked if there were any plans to assign a nickname to the Briggs stratton such as happened with the Higgs boson, Doctor Fröedingschlösser replied, “Well, I ain’t so sure jes yet, but we been thinkin’ on callin’ it the Psycho Bitch.”

Mury Sallers, a resident in the home on the property where the Briggs stratton was discovered declined to comment on this astounding scientific breakthrough. However, when asked what he thought it should be dubbed he did state, “It actually likes to be deferentially referred to as Queen Bitch of the Whole F*cking Universe, but sometimes when it’s in a good mood it lets us just call it Evil Kat. We still have to bow and scrape though.”

Doctor Fröedingschlösser was not available for further comment due to an extended sabbatical courtesy of the Arkansas Department of Corrections. In his absence, his assistant, Rhonda-Sue Crawford, is continuing the research at an undisclosed location.

Of course, they misspelled my name, but that’s pretty much par for the course.

More to come…

Murv