BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I suppose I’m a bit of a voyeur in some respects. I think all authors are. We watch the world around us with a kind of personal fascination. Everything we see becomes fodder for a book somewhere along the line. Maybe not right that minute, but perhaps in the future. We tend to log these things away in the darkened corners of our brains just in case we might need them.

I am guess it is because of the whole “voyeurism” thing that I keep tabs on the search phrases and words that land folks at my website and blog. Yeah, sure, it initially started out as one of those optimization things. You know, using tags and keywords that brought me traffic. But, I figured out early on that web-traffic isn’t always good. If it isn’t qualified traffic, it is just eating up your bandwidth for nothing. Kinda like trying to sell a high-end TV to a homeless person. They don’t have money, or even a place to put it, so you’re working a dead lead…

Damn… I’m having a flashback to my days in sales at VideoConcepts… Now I need a drink…

But, let’s see if we can move on… Like I said, I figured out early on that some of this keyword stuff really does you little good. Unfortunately, in some cases, even though it is a valid keyword that actually has plenty to do with the blog post, there are searches going on out there that seize upon it for different reasons, yet again driving unqualified traffic your way. Such was the case with the word “handcuffs”. You see, when I wrote that little piece of Twitter Flash Fiction and posted it here to my blog, it contained the word handcuffs. It also had a picture associated with it. Very suddenly, and without warning, my blog started receiving all kinds of traffic. I mean, insane amounts of traffic. From all over the world, even.

The problem was, all of it was people looking for pictures of handcuffs via Google Image Search. They were never coming to the blog. They were merely hotlinking the image.

Not exactly qualified traffic, know what I mean?

So, anyway, I got that all cleared up by changing some keywords, jpg names, and petitioning google to remove a couple of now-nonexistent links. It took a week or so, but finally it was done.

But, of course, the handcuffs aren’t why I called you here today. You see, since I skulk around peeking through virtual curtains and the search phrases which bring folks to my blog, I thought maybe I’d share a few of the more esoteric entries with you. So, here goes…

• Clark Kent

Why Superman’s alter ego brought someone to my blog I have no idea.

• John Glenn Moon 1962

John Glenn I understand. I did, after all, write a blog on my birthday which mentions him rather prominently given that I was born on the day he orbited the Earth in Friendship 7. However, simply reading that phrase makes me wish I had a slice of the action, because my guess is that someone was trying to verify facts for a bet. BTW, NO Virginia, John Glenn never went to the Moon. Now pay up.

• Bound Pentagram Sacrifice Nude Virgin

I’m sure all of these words connected up with various key elements of the sample chapters from the RGI series I have here on the site. But, something tells me that’s not what they were looking for, and that just scares me.

• Wife In Stockings
• Sagging Stockings
• Women In Seamed Stockings
• feeling your stockings

Of course, all of these landed on the page “Fool For Your Stockings...” from the Mahwage blog series. Again, I don’t think that’s what these Googlers were looking for…

• how to deal with a pain in the ass wife

This one brought the searcher to “E K Is A Real Pain In My Ass…” for obvious reasons. I have to wonder if his so called “pain in the ass wife” checks his search history when he isn’t around. If she does and ends up back here she needs to contact E K. Something tells me The Evil One could give her some pointers on how to deal with her “pain in the ass husband”.

• “regular housewife”

My guess is, this is what the numb-nuts above is looking for. But where’s the fun in that?

• I damaged my ass
• what is pain on my butt
• pains in my right ass cheek
• my butt aches after I take a crap

I like to call these the “pain in the ass” searches. Again, they ended up at the most recently mentioned entry, which I am sure was of no help to them whatsoever. But (pun intended with extreme prejudice) I have to say, I’m a bit concerned for the person whose butt aches after defecation. That doesn’t sound good at all… I have to admit I’m also just a bit curious about the “I damaged my ass” person.

• nathan fillion practical jokes

This one had me momentarily stumped until I remembered I had written a blog about Fillion’s new show, Castle…

• bad ass bitch in heels
• devil angel redhead
• devil woman
• heels, ass, biker

Where the whole “biker” thing came in, I have no idea. But, these quite obviously landed the Googlers on just about anything where E K is mentioned, but most especially the “Somehow Satan Got Behind Me…” blog, due to the included “devil woman” graphic. I’m sure they were looking for much more explicit pictures and didn’t really find anything that fit what they REALLY wanted, but if they took time to read the blog entries themselves… Well… They might be afraid now. I know I would be.

• sindromul edison
• pagkain

What good would a search keyword log be without some gibberish as translated from another language. Other than Edison (This is Edison Carter… blog entry…) I have no clue what they were after…

• novel peanut butter dan jelly

My kid used to watch a cartoon called P B and J Otter. But, I can’t imagine there being a novel. Also, I am going to assume that is supposed to be “and jelly”… Because if it’s actually supposed to be “Dan Jelly”… Well… Given the possible connotations, I just don’t wanna know… At least they didn’t type in jam…

• before after combover makeover

I’ll go bald before I do a combover. Enough said.

• ass animation
• Butt Cheek Images
• men getting spanked

Here we have the second round of “ass searches” which brought folks to the “E K Is A Real yadda yadda…” blog, again quite obviously because of that lovely three letter word. I grouped them together for that very reason, although I think #3 had a something different in mind as compared to #’s 1 and 2. In this case, due to the joke and cartoon at the beginning, #3 might have actually found what he or she was after…

Something I found to be of particular note is the fact that the vast majority of the searches for #3, or some permutation thereof, such as “women who spank” or “wifes (sic) spanking husbands” come out of the UK, France, and Italy, in that order.  At least, that’s what the IP addresses say. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

• Paranormally Warped

Unknown to this poor internet searcher, all he or she needed to do was type in M. R. Sellars to get this… Of course, it doesn’t matter. All paranormal warpedness leads straight to me anyway…

• Satan Poke Poor Soul

I have theories, but they make my brain hurt…

So, there you have it… Yet another round of Google weirdness that brings people right here to Murv Weirdness.  I guess those search engines actually do work…

More to come…

Murv

Well folks, it would seem I have been tagged, gagged, bagged, and slagged… And, for once, it wasn’t E K doling it out. Actually, what I am trying to say is that it seems I have had a Blog Award bestowed upon me while I wasn’t looking. The award came from one Jodi Lee, an absolutely wonderful gal who is a book reviewer, blogger, and editor. In fact, she is also the twisted mind responsible for “Courting Morpheus,” the horror anthology for which I wrote an RGI based short.  (Rumor is there is some news about CM coming up soon. Stay tuned…)

So anyway, on with the award thing. It seems that the Honest [S]crap Blog Award is a take one and pass it along type of thing, and recipients are compelled to adhere to a set of rules. Those guidelines are as follows:

The Award and Rules:

This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.

Apparently the rules are as follows:

1. When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to the said person so everyone knows she/he is real.

2. Choose a minimum of 5 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends. Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

(There wasn’t an icon, but I think this is the same one that ‘Rhada McKai’ did a while back, so I’m snagging it…lol.)

(Note from Murv – I’m not entirely clear on the 5 vs 7 thing, so I am going to go with 5)

3. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!

And so, I have my award… As you can see, it is now proudly displayed in the Award Box in the lower portion of the sidebar… I’m misting up now… I really feel special and stuff… (sniff sniff) …

But, that’s enough with all of that emotional garbage… Time for me to stick to the rules… (This will be hard to do without E K here to enforce discipline and all, but I’m going to give it my best shot…)

Them What I Thinks Deserves This Award Too…

Well, since Jodi is the one who gave it to me, I can’t exactly return it or she’ll think I didn’t like it… Besides, she might not have kept the receipt… So, I have to smack some other folks in the head.

Dorothy Morrison (Wicked Wonderings) – Dorothy is more or less the big sister I never had. A prolific author of Pagan Non-Fiction, her first novel recently hit the shelves. We have toured together for years, seen each other at our best, seen each other at our worst, and even been deathly ill together. Pretty much like being married, but without the good part. Either way, she rants and raves like a crazy person in her blog, so it’s well worth a look. Just don’t stare at it too long or you’ll start having a taste for flies…

Kristin “Don’t Call Me Kirstin” Madden (Words From The Wild) – Kristin is another author with whom I have toured. She is pretty much like a younger sister. I actually already have one of those, but I adopted Kristin anyway. She seemed so lost without guidance that I just felt sorry for her. My bad… Ever since she and Morrison hooked up, my life has been hell… That’s what I get for being the middle child, I suppose. At any rate, her blog is often humorous and almost always ultra-interesting, as she also happens to be a Wildlife Biologist specializing in Avian Rehab…

Cherie Priest – I figure Cherie has absolutely no clue who I am, therefore having this award bestowed upon her by me is probably going to come as an utter shock, and/or elicit one of those classic expressions. However, the simple fact is that Cherie is not only a fellow author, but a downright humorous blogger. Many of her posts are replete with observational, satirical, “here’s your sign you moron” humor. More than worth the read.

Lorna Tedder (The Spiritual Eclectic) – Lorna is another good friend and author. While we haven’t actually “toured” together, we have done appearances together at the same events. Truth is, I think Lorna just might be Evil… As in Evil Kat kind of Evil… Which means, if I were to ever tour with her, Madden, and Morrison together, I would either end up in a funny farm or body bag. But, hey, what are friends for, right? Her blog is full of all kinds of goodies for the spiritual day to day.

Bitten By Books (Rachel) – Bitten By Books is probably the premiere Paranormal Genre Book Review website going today. Rachel goes out of her way to keep the site fresh and interesting with everything from new reviews to author interviews/chats and contests complete with killer prizes. If you are an avid reader of such literature, you owe it to yourself to drop by BBB and have a look.

10 Honest Crap Things About Me…

1. I honestly have no idea what to say here. I tell so much honest crap about myself in my blog to begin with that I’m not sure I have anything new to add.
2. I’m a fat guy. I struggle with my weight constantly. I have ever since around age 10 when I suddenly went from skinny as a beanpole to being a tiny little Goodyear blimp. I try to get exercise on a regular basis, although I miss a day or two here and there, and I don’t generally overeat. I’m just a fat guy.
3. I am unnaturally head over heels in love with my wife. ‘Nuff said. If I expand any further I will descend into blithering idiot speak and maybe even embarrass myself.
4. Everyone has a paraphilia, whether they admit it or not. Mine is stiletto heels. Not wearing them you dolt. Seeing my wife wearing them. I won’t expand any further. Again, blithering, embarrassment, et al.
5. I can be a real nerd sometimes.
6. I simply cannot stand Rap / Hip-Hop music. I don’t actually consider it music. I am more than happy to admit that I consider it an art form in its own right, but art is subjective, like it or not. And, when it comes to this particular art, not is the operative word where I am concerned.
7. I am horrible with names. I can most often remember minute details about a situation, or even pick up latent mannerisms or expressions on a person, and store them away in the old grey matter for what seems an eternity. But, if you ask me to remember someone’s name (unless I am around them on a regular basis, of course) I will just give you one of these –
8. I like black jellybeans. They are my favorite. I also like just plain old black licorice.
9. I’ve been told that my eyes are brown because I am full of shit. Sometimes I am inclined to agree.
10. For years, I used ace bandages and tape to hide the fact that I suffered from Asymmetrical Gynecomastia. When I was finally able to afford the corrective surgery, I had it. I feel much better about myself now.

Okay… I think all that’s left now is for me to go notify these other poor souls that I am passing the baton on to them… For the record, I think Morrison will ignore it, Madden will probably blog about it, Ms. Priest will say “WTF?” since she has no clue who I am, Lorna will make arrangements with E K to either hurt me, or have me hurt by proxy, and Rachel over at BBB will think it’s cool. Whether or not she will have time to do anything with it is another story entirely.

Regularly scheduled blogs return tomorrow morning.

More to come…

Murv