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  • Smells Like Lithium…

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    Right out of the gates allow me to point out that Kurt Cobain and I share the same birth date. Now, I’ll grant you, there were quite a number of years separating us – he was the youngster and me the oldster – and I’m also still having those birthdays, quite unlike him. However, the point is we share a birth date so I think that allows me to bastardize the names of a couple of songs. So there…

    Of course, as usual this blog is not about Kurt Cobain. Nor is it about Nirvana, The Foo Fighters, or any such thing.

    It is, however, about Lithium… Or Thorazine… Or Haldol… Or any other antipsychotic you might be able to imagine. Why? Because I know some folks who need some. Scratch that… “Some” isn’t even close. Dump truck loads… Tanker truck loads… Just keep it coming.

    But, let’s jump back to the beginning… Sorta.

    You see, as an author of Paranormal Thrillers / Dark Urban Fantasy, I get to meet some very interesting folks. Some of them are, as I said, interesting. Others are more along the lines of interesting… Get my meaning?

    Allow me to illustrate. I recently launched a book. Some of you may have heard of it – Miranda: A Rowan Gant Investigation. Now, as with previous books and as many authors do, I had a launch party. Nothing big. Not really a soiree or anything. Just a big cookie and a book signing. In the past I’ve done bigger sorts of parties for book launches, but I went for a minimalist approach this time, mainly because the economy sucks. But, I’m getting off track…

    This go around I arrived at the store that was hosting the launch and they were also having a psychic fair. All good. More traffic, more folks to chat with. No problem there. Well, a psychic fair means “psychic readers”… Folks tossing out tarot cards, runes, whatever. Again, all good.

    Or, so I thought…

    I hadn’t been in the store 10 minutes that I was approached by one of said readers. The first thing she said to me was, “You’re the vampire guy, right?”

    “Ummm, no,” I replied. “I’m the author guy.”

    “But you write about vampires,” she said.

    “No,” I replied with a smile. “Actually, I write paranormal suspense thrillers about a witch who helps the Saint Louis police solve serial murders and the like.”

    “But there are vampires in them.”

    “Well… I wrote one book that had a serial killer who pretended to be a vampire,” I said, picking the particular volume from the table and holding it up. “It was titled Blood Moon.”

    “Well, I’m a real vampire slayer,” she replied, not even bothering to look at the novel in my hand.

    I blinked. I blinked again. Then with my outside voice I said, “I see.”

    My inside voice, however, was saying, “Sugar, I’m pretty sure you aren’t that Buffy chick… She’s quite a bit younger than you…”

    “That’s what I do,” she continued. “I travel around the world slaying vampires.”

    My outside voice said, “Oh. That’s nice.”

    My inside voice spoke up again and said, “Really… And you hide the bodies where?”

    “I just cut the twelve cords,” she announced.

    My outside voice said, “Oh. That’s nice.”

    My inside voice said, “You might have cut the cheese, but that’s about it. I think it’s more like you just escaped from a mental ward somewhere and people in white coats are looking for you.”

    “I gathered up the twelve cords of the blah blah-blah de blabbity blah blah blah…” she continued.

    My inside voice said, “I wonder how much Haldol it takes to put you down? You aren’t all that big, but with this level of psychosis I’m thinking, oh, I dunno, a quart. Quart and a half?”

    My outside voice said nothing.

    However, my outside face smiled and my outside head nodded. When you run into interesting people at a book signing, that’s pretty much all you can do unless you want to look like an ass to all of the actual interesting people who are standing around waiting to chat with you.

    Eventually “Buffy” started winding down, “Blah blah, de blabbity and so a crack in the earth is a good thing. Oil spilling into the gulf from the earth just goes to show you that I managed to slay blabbity blah blah vampires.”

    “Oh. That’s nice,” my outside voice said.

    “Yeah, you’re definitely a fucking frootloop,” my inside voice mumbled. “Oil spilling into the gulf is a good thing? Sheesh…”

    “So, you don’t read?” she asked.

    “Sure I read,” I replied. “I mean, I write books so it kinda comes with the territory.”

    She shook her head and gave me an exasperated sigh. “I mean you don’t read for people.”

    “Come again?”

    “You aren’t a reader. You don’t see things like the person in your book.”

    “Oh,” I said with my outside voice.

    “Here we go…” I said with my inside voice.

    My outside voice continued talking. “No, I don’t talk to dead people or have visions like my character, but I have helped the police in the past by answering questions about paganism and some of the symbology.”

    “Then that’s what you should do,” she announced.

    “What do you mean?” I asked.

    “You should quit writing about it and just help the police.”

    I shook my head. “Why?”

    “Because then you’d be helping.”

    “I think I’ll stick to writing,” I said with my outside voice. “After ten books it’s kinda become a habit.”

    My inside voice said, “Wrong guess on the Haldol. Gonna take three quarts for this one…”

    “Well,” she grumbled as she wandered off to do a psychic reading for a client. “I was really hoping for your fans to show up so I could slay them.”

    “I wonder if they have sharp, pointy objects in this store?” my inside voice wondered.

    “Oh. That’s nice,” my outside voice said.

    But, you know what made the day even better? A few hours later one of the other “readers” came up to me and said, “You’re the vampire guy, right?”

    I sighed as my outside voice automatically spewed, “No, I’m the author guy.”

    “Jeezus H. Chhhhhrrrriiiiissssst! Not another one,” my inside voice groaned.

    “Oh,” she said. “Well, I just read Abraham Lincoln:  Vampire Hunter, and it’s a true story taken from his private journals, you know. So, I thought you would find it interesting that one of our presidents was a famous vampire slayer and we’re just now finding out about it.”

    “Oh. That’s nice…”

    She’s all yours, Seth*. I don’t do vampires. That’s your schtick… I already have a whole box of frootloops who think they can actually ride brooms. I don’t need your mixed nuts too…

    More to come…

    Murv

    * Seth Grahame-Smith – author of Abraham Lincoln:  Vampire Hunter


  • Who Woulda Thunk?

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    Okee Dokee…

    So, right now I am running around like a chicken with its head cut off (and, I am familiar with what that looks like firsthand… Remember, I grew up on a farm) trying to get things together, get packed, make sure the laundry is done, and see to it that my girls have food in the fridge, all before I hop a plane tomorrow for Texas.

    Yeah, I gotta spend 4 days in Texas with Morrison. Pity me! (LOL) Actually, I’m looking forward to it, and for a change the weather seems to be cooperating so it looks like I will really make it there instead of being iced in like happened last month. (Sorry Detroit!)

    Anywho, other than touting the fact that I am going to another country for a few days, I wanted to address something really quick like… Actually, a few things. So, in the interest of expedience I’ll just enumerate them –

    1) I had a great time on the Paranormal Divas Monday night. It was a good show and they have already told me they’d like to have me back on the air with them, so that should be fun! Thanks Shelley and Christine!

    2) I just did a phone and email interview with a lovely young lady who wrote an article about me for Modern Witch Magazine. Modern Witch is a new quarterly mag that is supposed to officially launch its maiden issue next month. So, be on the lookout for it, because Julie (the writer) made me sound like a really cool guy. [ I have no idea how she got that idea, but I’m telling you she has a future in fiction writing! (GRIN) ]

    And that brings me to 3…

    3) One of the questions I get 95% of the time during interviews is “Where do you get your ideas?”… I always say “my nightmares”, which is largely true, but I also credit the news for some of the input. Over the years I’ve had folks tell me that the news simply doesn’t have headlines that are anywhere near as weird as the crimes in my books. Personally, I think these folks are hiding under rocks… Therefore, as an example, here are two headlines and they are just from TODAY. This isn’t even counting the hundred or so I could pull out of the past few months archives…

    MUNICH, Germany (Reuters) – Two Italian women carrying luggage containing the remains of a man who died in Brazil 11 years ago were stopped by Munich airport police during a stopover on their journey from Sao Paulo to Naples.

    BEIJING (Reuters) – A Chinese bride burned her new husband to death after he got into bed after a drunken argument without washing his feet, state media reported on Wednesday.

    See what I mean?

    If I have Internet access at my hotel I might check in and let you folks in the United States know what is happening in The Republic of Texas while I am there.

    Now…where did I put my passport?

    More to come…

    Murv