If you follow me on Twitter, you already know that sometime early Thursday morning 4/2, I lamented the fact that according to the national weather service, a blizzard is supposed to hit Wayne, NE this weekend. Why would I worry about a blizzard in Wayne, NE? Well, because as I write this I am sitting on the floor outside my gate at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, on my way to Wayne… Now, I won’t be able to actually post this until I arrive at my destination (via Sioux City, IA BTW – Airport code SUX… yeah, no kidding.) I can’t post this yet because it seems that airports have done away with free wi-fi and are now charging 8 bucks for a couple of hours. I don’t need it that bad… What I need is a Crackberry….
Either way, I had intended to tweet along, letting y’all know what was going on as I embarked on this odyssey to be Guest of Honor at WillyCon XI, the Wayne State College SF/Fantasy convention. However, I have obviously been thwarted in that respect.
So…This first leg of my journey will be compressed here as a randomly entered journal of pseudo tweets… My personal hashtag for this will be #fuckme… I will also be adding psuedo tweets from others who had a direct influence on my trip, but didn’t even know they were tweeting:
@mrsellars – Fuck me. Lambert airport is charging for Wi-Fi. No tweets till I make it to Minneapolis.
@mrsellars – Why is the turbine on the left engine going whocka-whocka-whocka-thumpa-whap?
@mrsellars – How many hamsters does it take to make that turbine turn so fast?
@flight_attendant – We use guinea pigs on this plane.
@mrsellars – Okay, I’ll bite. How many guinea pigs?
@flight_attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.
@flight_attendant_#2 – Wah wah wah, nah wahm nah wah…nom.
@mrsellars – Damn… She sounds like the adults on a Charlie Brown cartoon.
@flight_attendant – Coffee?
@mrsellars – Yes, please.
@mrsellars – Roller coaster turbulence over Iowa. My theory? Rising gases from a cloud of cow farts.
@mrsellars – May I have some more coffee?
@flight_attendant – I think you’ve had quite enough sir.
@mrsellars – On ground in Minneapolis. Texted E K. Now sitting and waiting for gate to be free.
@mrsellars – Damn! The universe apparently knows I missed my morning walk. Arrived gate F12 – connection at gate A11. Walkies!
@mrsellars – Still 3 hours before I can board egg beater express bound for Sioux City. ½ cup of Fiber One at 6AM now wearing off. Need food.
@mrsellars – Nothing here. Food court ½ mile back the way I came. Walkies!
@mrsellars – Quizno’s line around block. Employees moving in slow motion. Stomach not happy.
@mrsellars – Caribou coffee across the way. Going there.
@mrsellars – Consumed not so stellar 2 dollar roast turkey wrap with 1 dollar 11 oz beverage that had blue green algae in it. Total cost $11.05.
@mrsellars – Floor show during lunch. Captain Important paced back and forth in front of me yelling into his bluetooth headset. Impressive.
@mrsellars – Walkies! Now back at gate. No seats available. Crap. I’ll sit over here on the floor.
@mrsellars – Okay. Now I’ll tweet for a bit.
@mrsellars – FUCK ME! Minneapolis charges for Wi-Fi too!
@mrsellars – Fuggit. I’ll write it on word and post it as a blog later.
@mrsellars – Damn! How far up do her legs go? Interesting view from down here on the floor.
@mrsellars – Shit (or :poopie: for the Bitten by Books chatroom crowd.) My foot fell asleep.
@mrsellars – Aha! People going to Ohio are boarding. Now’s my chance for a seat in the waiting area.
@mrsellars – Missing my desk chair. It’s a hell of a lot more comfortable than this one.
@Gate_Attendant – Sir… Sir! Are you on this flight to Ohio?
@mrsellars – no ma’am.
@Gate_Attendant – Are you sure?
@mrsellars – Well, no, I don’t guess I am. I just told your ticket agent to give me a boarding pass for a random flight. Maybe I should look.
@Gate_Attendant – Why are you wearing shorts? It’s 30 degrees outside.
@mrsellars – It’s complicated. You see, I have a condition.
@Blond_Gate_Agent – Yah…Yah…I doo, don’tcha know…Yah…
@Original_Gate_Agent – Yah, yah… I doo too, yah’know… Yew betcha…
@mrsellars – Yep. I’m definitely in Minnesota.
@mrsellars – Holy crap… I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much “A Prairie Home Companion” hair all in one place my entire life.
@mrsellars – I didn’t even know they could still do those hairstyles. I wonder how many curlers they used on that one…
@mrsellars – They just started up one of the egg beaters. I can still identify individual blades on the prop even though the engine is screaming like a banshee.
@mrsellars – Wait… I can see the pilot through the windscreen…
@mrsellars – Reading the pilot’s lips – I think I can, I think I can…
@mrsellars – Might need to go back for coffee. Another ½ mile. Getting workout today.
@mrsellars – I haz a headache. Battery on notebook running low. Might need to find an outlet.
@mrsellars – Went about ¼ mile. Came across machine that sells coffee for a dollar. Decided to give it a try.
@mrsellars – Punched in 1 F 3 for what was supposed to be a Butterfinger Latte.
@mrsellars – Got 6 F 6 instead – year old pencil shavings strained through one of E Kay’s stockings with lukewarm water and a hint of rancid honey.
@mrsellars – Don’t ask me how I know what E Kay’s stockings taste like. I won’t tell you.
@mrsellars – How far is it from F12 to A11?
@Another_Gate_Agent – A little over two miles.
@mrsellars – Srsly?
@Another_Gate_Agent – Yah.
@mrsellars – Yep. Got my exercise.
@cellphone – Boopee Doopee Doopee Dooooo Ahhhh Boopee…
@mrsellars – Hello?
@EK – Hi.
[Rest of conversation censored due to graphic depictions of @mrsellars imagination along with sappy woodja-woodja lovey stuff…]
@mrsellars – Still have headache. Took aspirin. Noticed that people in Minnesota have apparently never seen a man wearing shorts before.
@mrsellars – Another hour plus left before the egg beater express flits me off to Sioux City. Hear they have Fly SUX T-shirts for sale. MUST have one…
@mrsellars – Srsly. It’s a moral imperative.
@mrsellars – Gate change. Oh joy… Not.
@mrsellars – Apparently Minnesotans are also AFRAID to SPEAK to a man wearing shorts.
@mrsellars – Thought I just saw Maurice Minnifield from Northern Exposure…
@mrsellars – No, not the actor. The REAL Maurice Minnifield…
@mrsellars – Damn! Rest of the passengers caught on to the gate change, and followed me over here. So much for a peaceful flight.
@mrsellars – Imagining E K wearing [CENSORED]
@mrsellars – {Bored Sigh}
@mrsellars – Wondering if @PaulCooked ever got that badger off his head…
@mrsellars – Pretty sure I just saw Kenny Rogers working on the ground crew. Must be paying off “Gambler” debts. (Ha! I kill me!)
@mrsellars – Guy with HUGE ASS headphones staring at me. Kinda freaky.
@mrsellars – Egg beater express got upgraded. Now flying on Estes model rocket. Hope the nose cone doesn’t suddenly fall off. Don’t wanna land using a plastic parachute.
@passenger – I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.
@mrsellars – Okay, but the flight is only half full and the flight attendant said sit anywhere you want.
@passenger – My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.
@mrsellars – Are you just dying to sit next to me or something?
@passenger – But… But… My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.
@mrsellars – Okay, “Sheldon”, how about if I move and let you have that seat.
@passenger – But, but… Doesn’t your ticket say you are supposed to sit here?
@mrsellars – No, “Sheldon”… My ticket says general seating. It’ll be okay…
@Flight_Attendant – Coffee?
@mrsellars – Yes, please.
@Flight_Attendant – Cream and sugar?
@mrsellars – Is the coffee really THAT bad?
@Flight_Attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.
And, now I’m here, and life is getting back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be for an old guy on a college campus, anyway…
More to come…
Murv