BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I have literally lost track of the number of emails, tweets, Facebook & Myspace comments, and other communications I have received from folks following the deployment of the “Gimme Mai Shooz” blog post. In all honesty, I never expected that story to go as “viral” as it did. Granted, it was a weak virus that played out quickly, but it was probably the first blog post I have ever written that was re-tweeted and linked to from other blogs/sites more times than I could count.

And, who knows, maybe the virus is merely dormant for a short period. I suppose it could re-awaken and spread some more. I mean, it definitely is a funny story.

However, the purpose of this particular blog entry is to address the adjunct “virus” that came along with the post itself – that being the plethora of faux bets on the how and when of my demise for publicly retelling the story in the first place. This is where all of the emails, tweets, comments, etcetera, come into play. I had thrown the “want to play Clue and start a pool?” comment out as a joke, but folks picked it up and ran with it. Not something I really expected, but I don’t suppose I should have been surprised. And besides, it was fun to watch.

There were plenty of the old standby ideas submitted:

• E K in the kitchen with a knife…
• E K in the dining room with a poison sandwich…
• E K in the driveway with her car…

There were even a couple that left me wondering:

• E K with a cheese grater and razor wire…
• E K with Dr. Pepper in the bathtub…

I’m not entirely sure if that second one was a “Dr. Pepper bath” type of Beauty Tip, or if the intention was to use the carbonic & phosphoric acids in the soda to dissolve my remains. In addition to the Clue-like wagers, there were even several suggestions for torture and punishment. I’m not entirely certain that the majority of those suggestions actually fit the crime… In fact, I think maybe some folks have seen way too many episodes of the “Jack Bauer Show” .

Still, when it came to bets on how I would meet my end for embarking on this horrible transgression, the suggestion I received most, and the odds on favorite method for my death was:

• E K somewhere in the house with stiletto heels [add description here]

– The “somewheres“ tendered for consideration ranged anywhere from her shoe closet to just about any other room you could imagine, including some we don’t even have.

– The stiletto heels varied quite a bit in color and style. (Obviously the fashion statement was just as important as my demise.)

– The [add description here] AKA “method” by which the deadly footwear would be used to affect my untimely death varied only slightly and always involved an enormous amount of gleeful stomping and grinding on E Kay’s part, and even more bleeding and suffering on my part.

Not surprisingly, 100% of the death by high heels suggestions came from women. At first, I assumed that all of these ladies had read the RGI Miranda Trilogy, since that happened to be how a particular victim met his demise at the hands… well, feet actually… of a sociopathic killer dominatrix. Then I discovered that several of them had not yet read that far in the series.

That was a bit of a surprise…

What was really shocking to me, however, was the obvious delight most of them took in outlining the details of the scenario for me. There seemed to be a whole vicarious thrill built around it. Some of them even seemed to have spent quite a bit of time dwelling on it… Like maybe even before the whole blog ever happened, if you know what I mean… I even kind of had the feeling I was suddenly becoming a virtual surrogate for some husbands and boyfriends out there who had committed various infractions over the years.

Kinda scary… Kinda really scary, actually…

Because of that, I hope you ladies realize I’m going to be maintaining a safe distance from here on out… Especially if you show up at one of my book signings wearing high heels.

So, anyway, there’s something y’all probably need to know. E K really and truly is an extremely laid back gal. Very little fazes her, and her Evil persona in my blogs is for the most part satire. Now, this is not to say that she won’t tap dance on someone’s head if they cross her, because she definitely will. I’ve seen her do it. I even have pictures. And, I’m also not saying that she isn’t on the dominant side, because that would be a lie.  She is very much the alpha female. And, in our relationship I’m the clown in the mailroom and she’s the CEO – actually, she prefers to be referred to as The Queen, but let’s not take that side road… My point here is she actually knows about my blogs in advance. Maybe not the exact wording and such, but she definitely knows which stories are being told. So, in essence I really had little to fear – from her, anyway. The rest of you twisted women… Well…  I’m not so sure…

At least, that’s what I thought…

You see, as it happens E K gives pretty amazing back walking massages – trust me, that’ll make sense in a minute if it doesn’t already. I figure she was probably a Geisha or something of the sort in a previous life,  – (Egads, please don’t email me and tell me I’ve offended someone with the whole Geisha thing… I realize it’s a whole cultural thing and that I’m probably just focusing on a hyped aspect or something, but give me a break…) – My point being that with sitting in front of a keyboard as much as I do, I will get a crick in my back every now and again. Whenever seeing the Chiropractor isn’t affordable time-wise or money-wise, and E K notices me twisting and stretching quite a bit, she asks with much wifely compassion and concern, “Is your back hurting? Do you want me to walk on it for you?” Then she’ll go all “E K-Geisha” on me and run up and down my back a few times while it goes POP! CRACK! SKRUNCH! After that I’m all good. She really and truly does have a talent for it. Trust me, I’m not the only person for whom she’s done this. She could probably get you testimonials without even threatening anyone.

Anywho, such was the case Saturday evening… As in, the Saturday evening immediately after the blog had been going a bit viral…

I should have known something was up when instead of the normal concerned question, her offer to pop my back came out a bit differently this time. With more than just a bit of a wicked grin and an evil twinkle in her eyes the redhead pretty much issued the following order, in no uncertain terms –

“Lay down and I’ll step on you…”

I didn’t notice her shoes until it was already too late.

I blame you ladies and your suggestions.

More to come…

Murv

Well folks, it would seem I have been tagged, gagged, bagged, and slagged… And, for once, it wasn’t E K doling it out. Actually, what I am trying to say is that it seems I have had a Blog Award bestowed upon me while I wasn’t looking. The award came from one Jodi Lee, an absolutely wonderful gal who is a book reviewer, blogger, and editor. In fact, she is also the twisted mind responsible for “Courting Morpheus,” the horror anthology for which I wrote an RGI based short.  (Rumor is there is some news about CM coming up soon. Stay tuned…)

So anyway, on with the award thing. It seems that the Honest [S]crap Blog Award is a take one and pass it along type of thing, and recipients are compelled to adhere to a set of rules. Those guidelines are as follows:

The Award and Rules:

This award is bestowed upon a fellow blogger whose blog content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.

Apparently the rules are as follows:

1. When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to the said person so everyone knows she/he is real.

2. Choose a minimum of 5 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends. Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

(There wasn’t an icon, but I think this is the same one that ‘Rhada McKai’ did a while back, so I’m snagging it…lol.)

(Note from Murv – I’m not entirely clear on the 5 vs 7 thing, so I am going to go with 5)

3. List at least ten (10) honest things about yourself. Then pass it on!

And so, I have my award… As you can see, it is now proudly displayed in the Award Box in the lower portion of the sidebar… I’m misting up now… I really feel special and stuff… (sniff sniff) …

But, that’s enough with all of that emotional garbage… Time for me to stick to the rules… (This will be hard to do without E K here to enforce discipline and all, but I’m going to give it my best shot…)

Them What I Thinks Deserves This Award Too…

Well, since Jodi is the one who gave it to me, I can’t exactly return it or she’ll think I didn’t like it… Besides, she might not have kept the receipt… So, I have to smack some other folks in the head.

Dorothy Morrison (Wicked Wonderings) – Dorothy is more or less the big sister I never had. A prolific author of Pagan Non-Fiction, her first novel recently hit the shelves. We have toured together for years, seen each other at our best, seen each other at our worst, and even been deathly ill together. Pretty much like being married, but without the good part. Either way, she rants and raves like a crazy person in her blog, so it’s well worth a look. Just don’t stare at it too long or you’ll start having a taste for flies…

Kristin “Don’t Call Me Kirstin” Madden (Words From The Wild) – Kristin is another author with whom I have toured. She is pretty much like a younger sister. I actually already have one of those, but I adopted Kristin anyway. She seemed so lost without guidance that I just felt sorry for her. My bad… Ever since she and Morrison hooked up, my life has been hell… That’s what I get for being the middle child, I suppose. At any rate, her blog is often humorous and almost always ultra-interesting, as she also happens to be a Wildlife Biologist specializing in Avian Rehab…

Cherie Priest – I figure Cherie has absolutely no clue who I am, therefore having this award bestowed upon her by me is probably going to come as an utter shock, and/or elicit one of those classic expressions. However, the simple fact is that Cherie is not only a fellow author, but a downright humorous blogger. Many of her posts are replete with observational, satirical, “here’s your sign you moron” humor. More than worth the read.

Lorna Tedder (The Spiritual Eclectic) – Lorna is another good friend and author. While we haven’t actually “toured” together, we have done appearances together at the same events. Truth is, I think Lorna just might be Evil… As in Evil Kat kind of Evil… Which means, if I were to ever tour with her, Madden, and Morrison together, I would either end up in a funny farm or body bag. But, hey, what are friends for, right? Her blog is full of all kinds of goodies for the spiritual day to day.

Bitten By Books (Rachel) – Bitten By Books is probably the premiere Paranormal Genre Book Review website going today. Rachel goes out of her way to keep the site fresh and interesting with everything from new reviews to author interviews/chats and contests complete with killer prizes. If you are an avid reader of such literature, you owe it to yourself to drop by BBB and have a look.

10 Honest Crap Things About Me…

1. I honestly have no idea what to say here. I tell so much honest crap about myself in my blog to begin with that I’m not sure I have anything new to add.
2. I’m a fat guy. I struggle with my weight constantly. I have ever since around age 10 when I suddenly went from skinny as a beanpole to being a tiny little Goodyear blimp. I try to get exercise on a regular basis, although I miss a day or two here and there, and I don’t generally overeat. I’m just a fat guy.
3. I am unnaturally head over heels in love with my wife. ‘Nuff said. If I expand any further I will descend into blithering idiot speak and maybe even embarrass myself.
4. Everyone has a paraphilia, whether they admit it or not. Mine is stiletto heels. Not wearing them you dolt. Seeing my wife wearing them. I won’t expand any further. Again, blithering, embarrassment, et al.
5. I can be a real nerd sometimes.
6. I simply cannot stand Rap / Hip-Hop music. I don’t actually consider it music. I am more than happy to admit that I consider it an art form in its own right, but art is subjective, like it or not. And, when it comes to this particular art, not is the operative word where I am concerned.
7. I am horrible with names. I can most often remember minute details about a situation, or even pick up latent mannerisms or expressions on a person, and store them away in the old grey matter for what seems an eternity. But, if you ask me to remember someone’s name (unless I am around them on a regular basis, of course) I will just give you one of these –
8. I like black jellybeans. They are my favorite. I also like just plain old black licorice.
9. I’ve been told that my eyes are brown because I am full of shit. Sometimes I am inclined to agree.
10. For years, I used ace bandages and tape to hide the fact that I suffered from Asymmetrical Gynecomastia. When I was finally able to afford the corrective surgery, I had it. I feel much better about myself now.

Okay… I think all that’s left now is for me to go notify these other poor souls that I am passing the baton on to them… For the record, I think Morrison will ignore it, Madden will probably blog about it, Ms. Priest will say “WTF?” since she has no clue who I am, Lorna will make arrangements with E K to either hurt me, or have me hurt by proxy, and Rachel over at BBB will think it’s cool. Whether or not she will have time to do anything with it is another story entirely.

Regularly scheduled blogs return tomorrow morning.

More to come…

Murv