BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Yes… Yes… I know. The next blog up is supposed to be Food. It’s Really Not That Hard… I’ve caught all manner of grief about the “cliffhangerness” of the $750.00 story… Well, suck it up and quit complaining. It’s coming…

HOWEVER…

Well… You saw THAT coming, right? I know I did…

As it happens, March 26 is way more than just a two and a six in a square on a sheet of paper. Never mind that the two and six would only add up to eight, which is way less than 26. Unless you then multiplied the sum by three and added two. But this isn’t supposed to be a math lesson. It’s actually supposed to be a March lesson, sans drums, hares, and, well, marching…

Suffice it to say, March 26 is a couple of things besides just a date on a page:

1. Earth Hour Day – if you don’t know about Earth Hour day, then go here and find out: EARTH HOUR – We here at La Casa De La Pelirrojas will be on candle power this evening to show our support. Feel free to join us (in the whole candle power thing, not showing up at our house. Do that and we might have to shoot you…)
2. National Make Your Own Holiday Day – Srsly. (Details)

Soooo, since March 26th, every year, is National Make Your Own Holiday Day, the staff of Brainpan Leakage – the staff in question being Moi… and… well… E K, because she’s the supervisor and I have to do what she tells me to do… But anyway, here at Brainpan Leakage we… I… she… us… Whatever… thought it might be a good thing to toss some ideas out there for folks, just in case they are having problems coming up with a holiday…

POSSIBLE HOLIDAYS FOR NATIONAL MAKE YOUR OWN HOLIDAY DAY

National Make Your Own Porn Day (Be sure to share)

National Do Whatever E K Says Day (24/7/365 for me already)

National Read A Rowan Gant Investigations Novel Day

National Chuck A Woodchuck Day

National Simonize Your Car Day

National Eat Sushi Day

National Hit Someone In The Face With A Pie Day

National Just Say No To Microsoft Day

National Velvet Day

National Eat Some Vienna Sausages Day

National SPAM On A Stick Day

And… You know me… The list could go on, and on…

So there you have it. It’s National Make Your Own Holiday day, so make yourself a holiday and celebrate it every way you can. But when the festivities are over, remember to turn out the lights, shut off the TV, and maybe just read a book by candlelight. Because no matter what holiday you invent, it’s still Earth Hour day, and we’ve only got one Earth – it has to last us a while…

Besides. You’ll save some cash by not using all that electricity, and then you can afford to run out and buy some more books by that M. R. Sellars guy…

More to come…

Murv

I’m actually a little late to the party here.

Not just with the late blog, mind you. I mean with the topic. Although I have known about this particular issue for some time, I have been thinking on it. You see, I have a personal rule –

Don’t dis other authors, or their work, in public. It just makes you look like an ass.

I’ve been adhering to that rule, because I already look like a big enough ass. Or is that douchebag? I keep getting them mixed up. Oh well, either way, I’ve kept my mouth shut about this while the rest of the world had gone monkeyshit crazy about it. Well… I’ve finally decided to say something, but I think I’ll try to restrain myself to shithouse rat crazy.

You see, Snoopi… Wait… Snacki? No… That’s an Eric Cartmann thing… Snoozi? No… That was a dwarf, right?… Wait… Oh yeah. Snooki. I think she works in a pool hall or something… Anywho, it seems that Snoowhatever wrote a book. From what I understand, not a very good book. I have no intention of buying it, nor of even checking it out of the library. I did, however, accidentally read an excerpt from it.

I say accidentally because I was reading an article and it contained said excerpt. I read the first line of the selected passage and stopped cold. I had to read it three or four more times to make sure it said what I thought it said. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not as if it was trainwreck worthy. If that were the case I wouldn’t say a word, because no matter how bad it is, if it is trainwreck worthy it is something that will hook a reader and keep them going – ergo, it will sell books.

This wasn’t a trainwreck. It was more along the lines of suddenly discovering rat droppings in your Moo Goo Gai Pan after having consumed over half the carton. Yeah, disgusting and horrifying. Not just the content, but the writing as well.

But that’s not my issue. I mean, not everyone can write. Just like not everyone can be a brain surgeon. I do, however, take umbrage with the vast majority of folks out there who seem to think “writing” is easy and something just anyone can do. Case in point, Snoopi, or whatever the hell her name is.

But we still aren’t at my issue.

You see, I used to want to be on the New York Times Bestseller list. I’ve always seen that as some sort of brass ring where my writing career is concerned. You know, New York, New York… If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere… Hitting the NYT Bestseller list would mean I finally made it. My books would be flying off the shelves. My peers would take me seriously. As it stands right now, most of them do. The handful that don’t can kiss my… Well… getting off subject again. You know me…

But like I said, I used to want to be on the NYT Bestseller list. Now, I should point out that I have a few author friends who are, so my blog here today is not meant in any way to diminish their accomplishments. They are excellent writers who have honed their craft and deserve the honor. However, when I look at the list I also see that MOST of the names are people I’ve never even heard of.  Okay… So they made it too. Good for them. I’m a little surprised and not knowing who they are. I mean, I’m fairly well-read, but what the hell, I can’t know everything. Obviously they have a book that is so popular that it is moving off the shelves like hotcakes at the all you can eat free church breakfast.

I mean, after all, it is the New York Times BEST SELLER list, right? That sort of implies that the books in question are the cream of the crop. Those that are selling best, i.e., better than all of the other books.

Then you see something like this:

So… This bizarre little hardcover missive about a girl who launches loud, stinky farts while she “shakes her peaches for show” is a New York Times Bestseller.

Yes, it’s true. It debuted on the list at #24.

At first, that made me wonder about society as a whole. Truth is, I still do, but at least something like this meant that the Toob-Blinded sheeple might actually be READING something for a change. So, as distasteful as the chosen material happens to be, at least they were READING.

Then the Bookscan numbers came out. If you aren’t familiar with those, they track how many copies are actually sold. Well… Given that it was at #24 on the NYT Bestseller list within two weeks of its release, that number should be in the tens of thousands, right? Probably more like over 100,000.

Instead, it was 8998.

Yes. Eight Thousand Nine-Hundred Ninety-Eight. An eight followed by two nines and another eight. Four figures. Poverty level.

Too bad for Snoopi. Guess she’ll drop right off that coveted list with dismal numbers like those.

But no. She merely slipped a bit to #28.

Even though sales are sluggish right now, I’ve had way better numbers than those. Makes me wonder why I haven’t spent some time on the NYT…

But like I said. I “yoosta wanna” make it onto the NYT… After seeing this, not so much anymore…

More to come…

Murv

For the record: Positions on the NYT Bestseller List are NOT calculated based solely on sales of a title. It is a complex algorithm drawn from initial print runs, marketing hype, units shipped to retailers, and strategically scheduled lunch dates. ACTUAL sales to readers are a variable that is thrown in after the fact and carries far less weight than the first four factors at the outset. Its relevance grows as the book  either rockets through its sell-through cycle, or simply founders and ends up with vast numbers being returned and “remaindered.” I know this just like every other author on the block, so please take this piece for what it is – a satirical look at the publishing industry, smoke and mirrors marketing, and the “wag the dog” principle.