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  • Murv’s Not So Excellent Adventure…

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    Part 1 of 4…

    ohio
    Those of you who follow me on Twitter, etc, know that I went to Ohio recently. I had a book signing and presented workshops at a great store called Violet Flame Gifts. VFG is absolutely wonderful. Heather, the owner, and her entire family always treat me like royalty, they feed me until I am about to burst, and they are just plain fun to be around, as are the folks who come to the store for the seminars and such. I am always glad to return to VFG or the VFG sponsored event, Earth Warriors Festival, because I know I will have a great time while I am there.

    However… (aww c’mon, you knew it was coming)… In the 5 years I have been visiting the Newark, Ohio store, either my trip to or from has been fraught with some kind of issue, such as delays. I don’t blame Heather or VFG for this, so please don’t get that idea. These are things completely out of her control. I’m just starting to believe there is an anti-Murv vortex hanging over the Ohio valley, but only insofar as travel – specifically flying.

    Now, at the risk of waxing nostalgic, something I do all the time as you all well know, I’m old enough that I can clearly recall when air travel was nothing short of glamorous. It was the purview of those with money, and those who could afford to travel in the lap of luxury.
    Airborne Waitresses
    Back then, flight attendants were called Stewardesses, and they were the bomb. Not only were they pretty and wore great uniforms, they smiled and made you feel welcome, important, and appreciated.

    Hell, in 1975 one of them donned a headset, climbed behind the controls, and flew a crippled 747 through the mountains of Colorado after a light aircraft ripped a hole in the side of the Jumbo Jet and killed off the flight crew… Okay, okay, so Airport ’75 was just a movie. It didn’t actually happen. Still, that doesn’t change the fact that back in the day, “Stewardesses” were the “bomb” – little girls wanted to grow up to be them, and little boys wanted to grow up to date them. And who could blame them? These were the elite hostesses of the air. The cream of the crop.

    These days, that just isn’t how it is. Don’t get me wrong, there are still some stellar flight attendants out there, and I’ve even met a few – both female and male – but they seem to be few and far between… on my flights, at least. Usually I end up faced with an angry airborne waitress or waiter with a sour disposition and a superiority complex. I suppose it could be the uniform and the wings that make them feel so powerful. If that’s the case, and the outfit carries with it that kind of influence, perhaps I should start wearing a blazer with elbow patches and chewing on a fancy meerschaum pipe. Then maybe I’d feel more like an author instead of just some guy who accidentally sticks words to paper sometimes.

    flightplan
    But, as usual, I digress…

    To be honest, the flight attendants are only one symptom in a vast array of ailments where air travel is concerned, and thus far they’ve never been my problem on these Ohio odysseys. Well… Except for the guy we’ll call Mr. Chronic Halitosis. He was working coach on the first leg of my trip to Ohio, and I’m not sure what crawled into his mouth and died, but he really needed to pry it out of there and use some strong mouthwash. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the 2 dollar cologne he had bathed in that day really didn’t help either. It just made you gasp, which in turn allowed you to get the full effect of the halitosis. Hmm… Maybe that was his plan all along. Lucky for me it was a short flight.

    But, getting back to the other issues… Truth is, the major pain that has been affecting me quite a bit over the last couple of years is the fact that you can no longer “get there from here.” By that I mean you are pretty much unable to board an airplane in Saint Louis and disembark at your destination without first visiting 1 or more additional cities along the way. This holds true for almost any destination with only a few minor exceptions, but especially for Ohio.

    And furthermore, it’s not like they pull in, fill up the tank while you make a pit stop, then get back on the way. No, absolutely not. They take you to a city where you don’t want to go in the first place, then kick you out of the plane and send you to find another airplane on which to catch a ride. And apparently, when I wasn’t paying attention, a law was passed which states that your connecting flight shall be leaving from a gate that is to be “no less than 1 mile from your arrival gate, and if the airport is made up of multiple terminals, the departure gate must then be located in the terminal farthest from the arrival gate. Furthermore, all passengers should be subjected to a minimum of 1 delay or 2 gate changes per trip.

    It’s a good thing I like walking and don’t mind the exercise. The hurry up and wait thing, however, I could certainly do without.

    So, by now I am sure you have guessed that this is pretty much what happened with my most recent trip to Ohio. And, if you guessed that, give yourself a cigar. If you didn’t, scroll back up and look at the flight plan graphic. Notice how the arrows are aligned to make an infinity symbol? Well, that’s not just a coincidence, because I was the guest of the airline for something on the order of forever.

    And, it all began like this…

    I started out my day like any other Friday. Up at 5:30 AM, taking out the trash, cleaning the litter boxes, grabbing a shower, packing lunch for E K, getting her majesty and the O-spring out to work and school respectively, etc… After all of that, courtesy of a ride provided by my publicist, by 11:55 AM I was finally sitting at my gate at Lambert Saint Louis International Airport. Now, I would like to say that Lambert has become more efficient, but that simply isn’t the case. What has happened is that so many airlines have moved their hubs away from Saint Louis that we no longer have anywhere near the volume we once had. Therefore, even though I pared down the “arrive 2 hours ahead of your flight time” to 1 1/2 hours, I still had better than an hour before my flight because checking in and getting through security was a breeze. Since I had this wait, and was scheduled for only a short layover at my connection, I decided I had better eat something now while I had a chance.

    This seemed like a good idea at the time, however the concourse where my gate happened to be had been undergoing renovations. Now, this will likely be a good thing once finished, but at that particular point in time it meant my choices were limited. I could pick between booze, Star-Make-A-Bucks, some pizza outfit that had a 100 yard long line of people in front of it, or the pre-made sandwich cooler nearby.

    Not wanting booze, a danish, or to stand in line, I was pretty much hamstrung. I stood in front of the open faced refrigerator and perused my options. Ham and cheese on whole wheat, or chicken on ciabatta. Ham, chicken… Whole wheat, ciabatta… The debate inside my head raged on for several minutes. Finally I flipped a mental coin and reached for a sandwich. In the end I had the rubber chicken on sawdust bread with wilted lettuce, and an orange juice. If I could believe the label on my sandwich it had been made fresh that day – somewhere in the state of Maryland. Made fresh or not, it didn’t take long for me to conclude that the trip from Maryland to Missouri didn’t exactly agree with it. But, I choked it down anyway, and then cried just a little. I mean, after all, I had just consumed a really horrid $1.25 chicken sandwich. Personally, I really didn’t feel like it was truly worth $1.25, and that just made it all the more sad since I had paid $7.49 for the privilege of gnawing on it. Don’t even get me started on the OJ. I suppose it might have actually been worth the $4.49 for the 12-ounce bottle, given that it had fermented a bit and now contained alcohol. However, I tend to take my screwdrivers a bit less “ripe” if you know what I mean…

    Looking back, this was one of the better parts of my travel experience that day, because you see, the minute we boarded the airplane this leg of my trip inevitably fell into the bend over and grab your ankles vortex

    More to come…

    Murv

    Next Installment: I Thought 7:11 Was A Convenience Store…

  • We’re Off To See The Blizzard…

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    If you follow me on Twitter, you already know that sometime early Thursday morning 4/2, I lamented the fact that according to the national weather service, a blizzard is supposed to hit Wayne, NE this weekend. Why would I worry about a blizzard in Wayne, NE? Well, because as I write this I am sitting on the floor outside my gate at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, on my way to Wayne… Now, I won’t be able to actually post this until I arrive at my destination (via Sioux City, IA BTW – Airport code SUX… yeah, no kidding.) I can’t post this yet because it seems that airports have done away with free wi-fi and are now charging 8 bucks for a couple of hours. I don’t need it that bad… What I need is a Crackberry….

    Either way, I had intended to tweet along, letting y’all know what was going on as I embarked on this odyssey to be Guest of Honor at WillyCon XI, the Wayne State College SF/Fantasy convention. However, I have obviously been thwarted in that respect.

    So…This first leg of my journey will be compressed here as a randomly entered journal of pseudo tweets… My personal hashtag for this will be #fuckme… I will also be adding psuedo tweets from others who had a direct influence on my trip, but didn’t even know they were tweeting:

    @mrsellars – Fuck me. Lambert airport is charging for Wi-Fi. No tweets till I make it to Minneapolis.


    @mrsellars – Why is the turbine on the left engine going whocka-whocka-whocka-thumpa-whap?


    @mrsellars – How many hamsters does it take to make that turbine turn so fast?

    @flight_attendant – We use guinea pigs on this plane.

    @mrsellars – Okay, I’ll bite. How many guinea pigs?

    @flight_attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.


    @flight_attendant_#2 – Wah wah wah, nah wahm nah wah…nom.

    @mrsellars – Damn… She sounds like the adults on a Charlie Brown cartoon.


    @flight_attendant – Coffee?

    @mrsellars – Yes, please.


    @mrsellars – Roller coaster turbulence over Iowa. My theory? Rising gases from a cloud of cow farts.


    @mrsellars – May I have some more coffee?

    @flight_attendant – I think you’ve had quite enough sir.


    @mrsellars – On ground in Minneapolis. Texted E K. Now sitting and waiting for gate to be free.


    @mrsellars – Damn! The universe apparently knows I missed my morning walk. Arrived gate F12 – connection at gate A11. Walkies!


    @mrsellars – Still 3 hours before I can board egg beater express bound for Sioux City. ½ cup of Fiber One at 6AM now wearing off. Need food.

    @mrsellars – Nothing here. Food court ½ mile back the way I came. Walkies!

    @mrsellars – Quizno’s line around block. Employees moving in slow motion. Stomach not happy.

    @mrsellars – Caribou coffee across the way. Going there.


    @mrsellars – Consumed not so stellar 2 dollar roast turkey wrap with 1 dollar 11 oz beverage that had blue green algae in it. Total cost $11.05.

    @mrsellars – Floor show during lunch. Captain Important paced back and forth in front of me yelling into his bluetooth headset. Impressive.

    @mrsellars – Walkies! Now back at gate. No seats available. Crap. I’ll sit over here on the floor.


    @mrsellars – Okay. Now I’ll tweet for a bit.

    @mrsellars – FUCK ME! Minneapolis charges for Wi-Fi too!

    @mrsellars – Fuggit. I’ll write it on word and post it as a blog later.


    @mrsellars – Damn! How far up do her legs go? Interesting view from down here on the floor.


    @mrsellars – Shit (or :poopie: for the Bitten by Books chatroom crowd.) My foot fell asleep.


    @mrsellars – Aha! People going to Ohio are boarding. Now’s my chance for a seat in the waiting area.


    @mrsellars – Missing my desk chair. It’s a hell of a lot more comfortable than this one.


    @Gate_Attendant – Sir… Sir! Are you on this flight to Ohio?

    @mrsellars – no ma’am.

    @Gate_Attendant – Are you sure?

    @mrsellars – Well, no, I don’t guess I am. I just told your ticket agent to give me a boarding pass for a random flight. Maybe I should look.

    @Gate_Attendant – Why are you wearing shorts? It’s 30 degrees outside.

    @mrsellars – It’s complicated. You see, I have a condition.


    @Blond_Gate_Agent – Yah…Yah…I doo, don’tcha know…Yah…

    @Original_Gate_Agent – Yah, yah… I doo too, yah’know… Yew betcha…

    @mrsellars – Yep. I’m definitely in Minnesota.


    @mrsellars – Holy crap… I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much “A Prairie Home Companion” hair all in one place my entire life.

    @mrsellars – I didn’t even know they could still do those hairstyles. I wonder how many curlers they used on that one…


    @mrsellars – They just started up one of the egg beaters. I can still identify individual blades on the prop even though the engine is screaming like a banshee.

    @mrsellars – Wait… I can see the pilot through the windscreen…

    @mrsellars – Reading the pilot’s lips – I think I can, I think I can…


    @mrsellars – Might need to go back for coffee. Another ½ mile. Getting workout today.


    @mrsellars – I haz a headache. Battery on notebook running low. Might need to find an outlet.


    @mrsellars – Went about ¼ mile. Came across machine that sells coffee for a dollar. Decided to give it a try.

    @mrsellars – Punched in 1 F 3 for what was supposed to be a Butterfinger Latte.

    @mrsellars – Got 6 F 6 instead – year old pencil shavings strained through one of E Kay’s stockings with lukewarm water and a hint of rancid honey.

    @mrsellars – Don’t ask me how I know what E Kay’s stockings taste like. I won’t tell you.


    @mrsellars – How far is it from F12 to A11?

    @Another_Gate_Agent – A little over two miles.

    @mrsellars – Srsly?

    @Another_Gate_Agent – Yah.

    @mrsellars – Yep. Got my exercise.


    @cellphone – Boopee Doopee Doopee Dooooo Ahhhh Boopee…

    @mrsellars – Hello?

    @EK – Hi.

    [Rest of conversation censored due to graphic depictions of @mrsellars imagination along with sappy woodja-woodja lovey stuff…]


    @mrsellars – Still have headache. Took aspirin. Noticed that people in Minnesota have apparently never seen a man wearing shorts before.

    @mrsellars – Another hour plus left before the egg beater express flits me off to Sioux City. Hear they have Fly SUX T-shirts for sale. MUST have one…

    @mrsellars – Srsly. It’s a moral imperative.


    @mrsellars – Gate change. Oh joy… Not.


    @mrsellars – Apparently Minnesotans are also AFRAID to SPEAK to a man wearing shorts.


    @mrsellars – Thought I just saw Maurice Minnifield from Northern Exposure…

    @mrsellars – No, not the actor. The REAL Maurice Minnifield…


    @mrsellars – Damn! Rest of the passengers caught on to the gate change, and followed me over here. So much for a peaceful flight.


    @mrsellars – Imagining E K wearing [CENSORED]


    @mrsellars – {Bored Sigh}


    @mrsellars – Wondering if @PaulCooked ever got that badger off his head…


    @mrsellars – Pretty sure I just saw Kenny Rogers working on the ground crew. Must be paying off “Gambler” debts. (Ha! I kill me!)


    @mrsellars – Guy with HUGE ASS headphones staring at me. Kinda freaky.


    @mrsellars – Egg beater express got upgraded. Now flying on Estes model rocket. Hope the nose cone doesn’t suddenly fall off. Don’t wanna land using a plastic parachute.


    @passenger – I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

    @mrsellars – Okay, but the flight is only half full and the flight attendant said sit anywhere you want.

    @passenger – My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

    @mrsellars – Are you just dying to sit next to me or something?

    @passenger – But… But… My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

    @mrsellars – Okay, “Sheldon”, how about if I move and let you have that seat.

    @passenger – But, but… Doesn’t your ticket say you are supposed to sit here?

    @mrsellars – No, “Sheldon”… My ticket says general seating. It’ll be okay…


    @Flight_Attendant – Coffee?

    @mrsellars – Yes, please.

    @Flight_Attendant – Cream and sugar?

    @mrsellars – Is the coffee really THAT bad?

    @Flight_Attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.


    And, now I’m here, and life is getting back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be for an old guy on a college campus, anyway…

    More to come…

    Murv