BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I could just as easily have called this Hell House: Welcome To Hell…

I’ll explain that in just a sec. Keep reading. Or don’t. But then you’ll never know the answer…

You see, I was listening to NPR the other day. I do that a lot. Either NPR or CD’s. It’s not that I believe they are completely fair and balanced in their reporting. There is no such organization. Even back when I was learning from Martha Ackmann that the primary goal of the journalist is to be objective and report the news, the professionals out there doing it had biases bleeding through their words. Now, it seems like it’s even worse. Or maybe it’s just that my idealism committed suicide somewhere around my 30th birthday and I was suddenly able to see the emperor’s new clothes for what they really were… or weren’t as the case may be.

However, I’m chasing a whole different chicken with that. Take notice, I said chasing, not choking… Let’s not get the title confused with the prose.

So, anyway, I was listening to NPR and they had an allergist on there who was doing a study about some manner or regional pine tree allergy in the PNW that had gone undiagnosed and untreated in thousands of people over the years. In the process he was giving some basic info about how allergies work, how they form, and how it can be different for certain folks. Like being born with them, or being exposed to an allergen in small amounts over a long period of time – sorta like death by saccharin, if you believe that effed up study.

And, in some cases, a massive exposure to an allergen triggering a reaction that just sticks with you for the rest of forever.

Enter, Hell House…

If you’ve read my previous blogs on the subject of Hell House, then you know that when my father passed, part of his estate was a house that my sister and I now own. With my sis being far and away, the bulk of the duties regarding upkeep have fallen to me. If you want all those gory details, with pictures, just look up the Hell House blogs here on BL.

But back to those damnable fornicating avians and insects…

The previous tenant to whom my father had been renting Hell House was all about plants, and had quite the weed patch going in the exceptionally large back yard. I say weed patch because if a plant isn’t a tree, grass, or something that produces an edible fruit, root, berry, or seed that I would find on my plate during a meal, then as far as I’m concerned it’s a weed.

Now that we’re on the same page… When the tenant moved out we had to do some work to the place before re-renting it. Part of that work involved cleaning up the weed patch, which ended up happening in the fall when everything was going to seed. E K and I spent countless hours one weekend, mowing, digging, chopping, and stuffing dried up, alien kudzuish whatevers into yard barges. The work was hard, sweaty, dirty, nasty, and otherwise unpleasant, but it needed to be done. And, if there’s one thing I can say it’s that E K and I do not run from hard work.

However, by the time we arrived home and I had myself a nice hot shower, something began to happen. My entire body itched, my face turned into a misshapen Murv balloon, and breathing was no longer a concept my body could wrap said balloon head around. Fortunately, a healthy dose of Benadryl re-enabled my ability to process oxygen, but it didn’t even take the edge off my case of the miserables.

Not long after that I heard the Doc on NPR.

I’d never had allergies before. Now I do. Every time the avians, insects, and weeds engage in their inter-species orgy of public fornication – spring and fall – I turn into a dwarf with an identity crisis. I can’t decide if my name is Itchy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Snotty, or Achey.

So, Hell House: 157, Merp: 0

Oh well… at least I’m not allergic to sex.

More to come…

Murv

It has been quite a while since I’ve done a Frequently Asked Questions blog, so I though maybe it might be time for one, especially when you consider that I’ve had a few questions being asked frequently as of late…

Believe it or not, as silly as some of the questions may seem, they have actually been asked by someone other than the voices inside my head. And, you will notice that some of these questions have appeared in past FAQ blogs. Why are they here now? Because people are still asking them. Frequently. As in, a lot.

Srsly.

So, without further mucking about, it’s time for…

ASK MERP!

1. I just read (or recently read, or at some point read) Merrie Axemas: A Killer Holiday Tale, and loved it (hated it, think you suck, WTF, Christmas is over you putz). Will you be continuing the story at all?

The short answer is: Yes. The long answer is: Yes. (That is to say, look for the full-length novel, In The Bleak Midwinter, coming November 2011.)

2. Why haven’t I ever heard of you before?

Hmm… Uhh… Well… Umm, best guess? I have no friggin’ clue. But don’t worry, I haven’t heard of you either, so we’re all good.

3. Do you write every day?

Yes. While I don’t necessarily work on a novel project on the weekends, I write something every single day, whether it’s a blog entry, notes, a bit of poetry, or a random journal entry.

4. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Srsly? Okay, you asked for it – A hardwood. Take that however you want.

5. I read in an interview where you said that you give your wife a 30 minute back rub every morning. Is that true?

No. It used to be, but she changed the setting on the alarm clock while I was out of town, so now it’s a 45 minute back rub. Since I have more traveling ahead of me, I suspect by the end of the summer she will have adjusted the alarm clock enough that it will be a two-hour back rub by sometime around mid-August this year.

6. Will you ever be growing your ponytail back?

I’ve grown accustomed to being able to escape the clutches of the evil redhead – at least part of the time – now that she doesn’t have the built-in leash to grab onto. So, I’d have to say growing it back isn’t very high on my priority list.

7. When are you going to write the Rowan Gant cookbook you talked about?

Me and my big mouth. I really have no clue. Srsly. I don’t. I know I babbled about it once upon a time, and apparently it resonated with some of you. I haven’t ruled it out, but it’s not residing on the top of the projects pile either. However, when I do, I’ll be sure to shout it from the rooftops.

8. When are you coming to [insert town, city, state, country here]?

When someone books me to do a gig there, most likely. Book tours aren’t as common as they once were, due to the economy, the changes in the publishing industry, and the surge of social media. However, if someone books me for a gig, I’m there. To do that, contact my publicist: Wendy at promo_dept@willowtreepress.com

9. When is there going to be a Rowan Gant Investigations movie?

When someone buys the rights and makes one. That’s about all I can say. At this juncture, nobody has optioned any of the books in the series, so it’s doubtful you will see one in the near future. The same goes for TV.

10. I read somewhere that you get up at 4:30 in the morning every day. Is that true, and why?

I wake up at around 4:30 AM, give or take a few minutes. My feet don’t generally hit the floor until 5 or 5:30. As to why, I have a very high maintenance wife. Her breakfast doesn’t fix itself.

But seriously, on the “why,” it’s my internal clock. I spent a lot of time on a farm growing up, and even when I was in the city, my family was of the early rising type. It’s kinda baked on and I haven’t been able to scrub it off, no matter how hard I try.

That’s it for this edition of ASK MERP! Keep those cards and letters coming. The sponsors won’t pay up unless I can prove you’re watching…

More to come…

Murv