BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I am old enough to remember when “Mister President” wasn’t just an honorific from days long past for Jimmy Carter. What I mean by that is I was not only alive, but I was also functioning and capable of rational thought that went beyond strained green beans and pooping. In fact, I was in high school,  so I was more interested in irrational thought about the “little red haired girl” in the second row of my 5th hour creative writing class. Or was she a blonde? Brunette?

Well… We just won’t go there…

The thing is, I remember Jimmy Carter’s presidency, and oddly enough this blog has next to nothing to do with that. Then why mention it, you ask? Well, I said “next to nothing” not “absolutely nothing.” Confused yet?

You see, back when the smooth talking peanut farmer from Georgia was in office, lusting in his heart after beautiful women; and trying his damndest to get his brother to stop taking a leak on the tarmac at the airport in plain view of TV cameras – (after drinking two cases of his self-named signature beer, of course); and making concessions to save hostages, but that would undoubtedly guarantee him being only a 1 term president; and touring a nuclear facility that narrowly avoided a core meltdown; and having the White House mail room re-package and send back the red, white, and blue chainsaw a company had shipped to his daughter because she wanted one for Christmas…

Well, I think you get the point. As is usually the case with anyone occupying the oval office, the man couldn’t sneeze without it being on the evening news – and, on Saturday Night Live. Of course, this was back in the day when SNL was worth looking at, and Aykroyd did a great Carter.

So, where am I going with this?

Simple. Dave Barry.

Now you’re REALLY confused, right? Good…

You see, Dave Barry wrote a great column about having a colonoscopy. He took a somewhat gross topic and made it funny. I know, I know, you are still reeling and trying to figure out what this has to do with Jimmy Carter. Well, I’m not going to talk about a colonscopy. I’m still a year or so off before the insurance company will pay for my alien anal probe, so stop hurting yourself trying to make the connection. I am, however, going to talk about hemorrhoids. President Carter had himself a nasty case of them while in office and the news media jumped all over it. Of course, that simply led to SNL bending it over the desk and getting to know it in the biblical sense.

Thus far, my ‘roids have not made it to the news. Nor has any improvisational comedy troupe performed a skit around said affliction as it relates to a mid-list suspense-thriller author living in Saint Louis. I did, however, make an innocuous and roundabout comment about them on Facebook – the gist of that being that I needed something stronger than Preparation H.  No graphic details or descriptions. Not even a mention of the word “hemorrhoid”… Just, I need some Preparation I or J ’cause H ain’t cuttin’ it…

What did that get me? A whole lot of “TMI, DUDE!” comments.

Well, I’m not embarrassed to tell you that I’m a bit inflamed by this. I mean, it pretty much tells me that people don’t believe my ass is anywhere near as funny as Jimmy Carter’s, and that’s just constipated thinking. It also says that my ass isn’t as funny as Dave Barry’s, which sort of  pains me. Now, while I am willing to concede that Dave’s ass is pretty damned funny, my blog has actually been compared to his – and his column – so I would think my ass should be bleedin’ funny too. Trust me, I don’t have a swollen head about this. It just burns me a little. I know that it’s uncomfortable to sit here and talk about this, but as you can tell I’m itching to say something. Yes, I suppose a story like this is bothersome, but don’t shrink away from it and leave me dangling. That’s not soothing in the least.

You know, maybe it’s all just a matter of marketing. I think I’ll have my publicist contact the media when I schedule my hemorrhoid-ectomy. Maybe The Early Show will want to broadcast it live on TV, just like they did for Harry Smith’s colonoscopy…

I just hope the cameras don’t make my ass look too big.

More to come…

Murv

CHECK!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Once is a coincidence. Twice, probably still a coincidence. I can even give you three. But when it keeps happening, uncanny doesn’t even come close.

What am I talking about? Castle.

Now, before anyone takes this the wrong way, I am a big fan of Castle. I’ve made no secret of that, and I even have a Castle T-shirt to prove it. I own the first season on DVD, will own the second, third, etc as each becomes available. I read the first “Nikki Heat” novel one afternoon just for kicks. I will more than likely read the second as well. Again, just for kicks.

However… Saw that coming, didn’t you?

When I first started watching the show I would sit back and marvel at how the character was portrayed. Granted, Nathan Fillion has a lot to do with that, but he also has a script to follow, so it’s not ALL him. What I was marveling at was how closely the character of Richard Castle seemed to mirror my own life in certain respects. Not that I’m ridiculously wealthy or on the NYT Best Seller list. And, while I’m a major flirt, I am not a womanizer. Still, the sarcasm and puns, the arcane knowledge spawned from researching a particular novel, the big kid mentality… Well, let’s just say I found it to be an amusing coincidence. After all, I hang out with a lot of authors – kind of a birds of a feather flock together thing – and while I’ve met a few who act that way to a small extent, never any who are as over the top as I am. Of course, maybe I just haven’t met the right authors.  Who knows?

But then things started getting more and more eerie, and I don’t mean the lake or Pennsylvania either.

Emails started showing up. Just a few at first, from friends and relatives who were watching the show. The occasional, “Did you watch Castle last night? I swear they are writing about you or something!”

I would joke about it and laugh it off, but found it interesting that I wasn’t the only person who noticed the similarities.

However, it wasn’t long before a few emails turned into several, and then several more, with not only friends and relatives writing to me, but fans as well.

“Did you see Castle last night? The writers must read your books or something!”

“Dude! Are you being followed by the writers for Castle?”

“I swear the writers for Castle have your house bugged!”

“Are you writing for Castle?”

“When did you start writing for Castle?”

And,  I could just keep going on and on…

In the back of my head, I had been wondering some of the same things…

After all, the story arcs were taking some interesting and familiar twists:

A killer dominatrix…

A vodoun priestess…

Wiccan and pagan references…

And plenty more…

But let’s face it, I don’t own the market on ideas. Just because I did them in my books long before Castle was ever conceived doesn’t mean a thing. And, I mean that seriously.

Then some of their marketing vids starting doing some weird things… Like Fillion as Castle stating the Fillion owed him 50 bucks. Okay… so I didn’t coin the “so and so owes me 50 bucks” quip, but I’d been saying  it (jokingly) about Fillion (and tweeting it) for literally more than a year, along with my also joking contention that he was secretly using me as his “model” for the character of Richard Castle.

Things that make you go “hmmm,” know what I mean?

Of course, it just doesn’t seem to end there.

Some time back I was chatting with some folks about the show. When asked what I thought of it, I prattled endlessly about the wonderfulness that is Castle. However, being an author I also pointed out that there were issues – as there were with any TV show. Things like their police procedure being off – not that I’m an expert, but I do research procedure for my books through my friends and contacts I’ve cultivated within various law enforcement agencies from local to national.

One of the things I mentioned was that Detective Kate Beckett generally pranced around each episode in heels. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with seeing Stana Katic in stilettos, although I’d much prefer it be E K and not Katic. We’ve already established that I’m a leg guy, and high heels are an exciting accoutrement to said proclivity. But let’s not digress or I’ll need some alone time. My point is, I mentioned that no cop in her right mind would be wearing stilettos on the job. So, what happens? Someone points out to Beckett during the most recent episode that her shoes are a bit impractical for police work.

Coincidence? Yeah… Most likely. I mean, it’s an obvious thing. But with everything else that’s been going on it’s… well… a thing that makes you go hmmmm…

Then there’s the fact that I have wondered aloud about the allure of the “Steampunk” genre… Now, an upcoming episode of Castle is featuring “Steampunk.” Again, most likely coincidence… After all, Steampunk seems to be a big thing these days.

So… In the grand scheme of things, just what is it I’m trying to say?

I don’t really know. All I can tell you is that too many coincidences add up to something pretty weird. So, here’s the thing…

If the writers of Castle happen across this blog – who knows, they might be subscribers – do me a favor and throw me a bone. I may be a best seller in the small press world, but in the overall authoring world I’m just a mid-lister. Since you’re paralleling my personna – and my story lines, and my characters, and my tweets, and my panels at cons, etc – even if it is probably utter, uncanny coincidence, have Rick Castle mention my name. Have him call me for advice or something on occasion. I don’t even have to be on the phone – you can easily write a one-sided conversation. Have a couple of my books laying on a desk. Something… I could use the publicity…

I’m NOT asking for a guest appearance – although I wouldn’t turn one down. Of course, I’m not “ruggedly handsome” so I’m sure that would be out of the question anyway. No biggie.

But come on guys… The Rick Castle personality has been MY schtick for better than a decade. HOWEVER, at the most recent convention appearance I did I was actually accused of trying to imitate him by someone who had not yet been introduced to my work.

And, you know, it’s kind of annoying to be accused of trying to imitate yourself. Especially when all of the coincidences point to it being the other way around…

More to come…

Murv