BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

As I’ve noted in the past, The Evil Redhead is sort of an environmental dominatrix. By that I mean if you harm the environment, she will torture you. She’s just that kind of gal. We even call her Kippy The Eco-Terrorist – behind her back, of course. Otherwise she does really mean things to us. It’s not the eco-terrorist part that bothers her. Actually, she kind of likes that title. However, she absolutely hates being called “Kippy.”

Go figure…

At any rate, because of her whip wielding eco-activism, E K has informed me that I am to remind everyone of the following:

November 8-14 is National Recycling Week

And

November 15th is America Recycles Day

Recycling is important. Not only does it reduce waste and help the environment, it keeps The Evil One happy. Of course, torturing her victims keeps her happy too, but when she tortures litterbugs and BP execs, anger tends to overshadow her enjoyment of the process, rendering her moody and otherwise not so much fun to be around.

And, we all want E K to be happy, correct? I know I do, and I even have the scars to prove it…

To that end, at various events we have made available, for free, “E K Recycles Stickers” and “E K Consequences Motivational Posters”. These items have been an ENORMOUS hit with folks, and we’re relatively certain that it isn’t just because they are free. So, since we don’t make it to every corner of the world, or even country, we thought we’d put printable versions of the sticker and poster out there for those of you who want them, but haven’t been able to get them. These files are, of course, free of charge and you should feel free to distribute them as long as they remain unaltered.

Should you not have access to a printer with water resistant ink, these stickers are also available at the On The Edge Graphics Cafepress Store. Of course, those are NOT free, but the are sold strictly at cost/base price, with no markup. (http://www.cafepress.com/otegraphics/6955205) – You will also find many other E K Recycles items, from re-usable water bottles and shopping bags to t-shirts and hoodies. Feel free to check out the rest of the On The Edge Graphics store for RGI and other Brainpan Leakage Swag as well…

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(Links to the Hi-Res files can be found below each picture)

Want Some Printable EK Says “Recycle Or I’ll Hurt You” Labels?

Click Here For The PDF

And, just in case you think she isn’t serious about meting out punishment, she wanted you to see the proof below. Aluminum cans aren’t the only things she enjoys stomping. Yes… She really is a bit militant about the recycling thing.

Want A Printable ‘CONSEQUENCES” Motivational Poster?

Click Here For The 300dpi JPG (11×17)

More to come…

Murv

It’s true.

Food goes in, goes through a series of bio-chemical processes that break it down into nutrients our body can use, then the waste material shoots out the other end. Sometimes at a pretty good clip, especially if fermentable fiber was in your diet.

Now, I could go into all of the technical stuff, such as Ptyalin – the enzyme in saliva that converts starches to sugar. Peristalsis – the muscular contractions that enable you to swallow, as well as move the Chyme along until it becomes full blown poop. Pyloric sphincters… and on, and on. But, this isn’t an anatomy lesson, nor is it a biology class.

You see, the thing about poop is that whenever mentioned around my daughter, she immediately goes into the screwy faced “ewwwwww” mode, and runs from the room. Why? Well, I guess because poop is kinda gross. And, she’s a girl. Not being sexist here, just stating an observation. Boys tend more toward “potty humor” than girls. It’s a societal fact.

So, by now I suppose you are wondering why I am even talking about poop. I mean, after all, it’s not like Christmas is all that close just yet. If you don’t get that reference, just check out Southpark and it’ll make more sense.

No, the thing here is that poop, as a general rule, isn’t something one talks about in polite company. Sort of… I say “sort of” because poop suddenly becomes a viable topic of conversation – be it at the bar, dinner table, watercooler, what have you, when at least one of three criteria are met.

1. You are a child.
2. You have a child.
3. You are over 40.

Why?

Well, let’s break it down.

First, when you’re a kid, poop happens. Generally in your pants. Therefore, folks out to make a quick buck have gone to great lengths to make animated shows and silly songs about pooping. “She’s/He’s A Super Dooper Pooper”… Elmo does Potty Training… It goes on and on. So, for kids, poop is a perfectly acceptable subject not only for conversation, but for songs and cartoons as well.

But at some point poop becomes a “dirty little secret.” It’s as if once you have learned where to deposit the poop and all of the “paperwork” involved with making said deposit, “The Poo” is now “Taboo.”

This poop moratorium lasts for several years – either until you have a kid, or if you skip that joy, until you turn approximately 40.

Now, when you have a kid, what you have basically done is created for yourself an eating and pooping machine. That’s pretty much all they do for the first year or two. Eat, poop, eat, poop. When they start walking and talking, then they not only eat and poop, they make art with it and tell you about it. You become jaded to the concept of poop. It’s a normal thing. The only time it isn’t is when something changes about the poop. But, that doesn’t stop you from talking about it. Not at all. In fact, it pretty much spurs conversation. There you are, changing a diaper, and voila! You turn your head one way, then the other, giving it a good inspection. Open the shade for more light. Inspect it some more. Then, you call out to your wife:

“Honey! C’mere…”

“Why?”

“You gotta see this poop.”

“Why?”

“It’s shaped like Justin Bieber’s head. You gotta see it.”

“Hold on while I get the camera.”

See what I mean? Shapes, sizes, colors, quantities.  Poop just becomes a part of normal conversation. Next thing you know, you’re telling everyone at work about the Justin Bieber Shaped Poop, or the industrial adhesive quality of the last diaper you changed, and you aren’t fazed in the least. Other parents are right there on the same page with you. Hell, they even want to see the pictures of the poop head. But, be warned, some of your younger co-workers  who are childless may be put off by this, especially if the subject comes up in the lunch room.

Our third option comes about as we age. Poop – or more accurately, Pooping, becomes an important part of your day. If you don’t offload that pastrami sandwich and half a package of Oreos, then you just don’t feel quite right. And, of course, since your metabolism is changing, the doctor starts offering up advice.

“Doc, I haven’t pooped in two weeks.”

“How much fiber do you have in your diet?”

“Fiber… Well… I accidentally bit a piece off a Popsicle stick last month and swallowed it. Does that count?”

“Not enough. Go to the feed store, get yourself a bale of hay. Eat 5 large helpings a day for three days straight, drink 47 gallons of water, and then lock yourself in the bathroom with a clothespin and a copy of People magazine.”

“I don’t like People magazine. Can I take a Playboy instead?”

“No. This isn’t a recreational visit.”

Then, just to take things a step further, as if we really need to do so – when you hit 50 another MD hands you a bottle of Drano for your intestines, then wants to stick a camera up your wazoo… Yeah, the greeting card companies have actually come up with a “Congratulations on your Colonoscopy” card. Go figure. So, if you think poop was okay to talk about at 40, then 50 should be a breeze because it’s definitely all about the poop when you hit the half-century mark.

And, speaking of Intestine Drano – Even the OTC drug companies are all over this. Just for fun they bombard you with it daily. There are more products out there designed to expel the poop from your body than there are to stop it from leaving. (Whether or not that statistic is really true, I have no idea. I just made it up. But then, this is a satire blog…)

Seriously though, check the aisle at your local Pharmacy. Plenty of poop aids. You can usually find them near the 57 brands of TP and sphincter wipes.

So, there you have it. Everybody poops. TV personalities, porn stars, the guy at the 7-11, authors, bloggers, doctors, lawyers, cobblers, butchers, bakers and candle stick makers. Everybody. Although, I have to admit, I’m not so sure about politicians and/or Justin Bieber, but that’s a different blog.

The thing is, it’s just one of those facts of life. Therefore, even if you don’t have a kid and aren’t over 40, go ahead and make it a fun topic of conversation without any stigma. It’s only poop. Embrace it.

Just don’t get any of it on me…

More to come…

Murv