BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Or, so she would have you all believe…

Now, before you die hard “Morrisonites” go nuts and threaten to burn me at the stake, read on, digest the evidence, and THEN make your decision. I suspect you will reach the same conclusion as I.

Now, to understand exactly WHY I am calling her friendship into question, we must begin with Chicken and Dumplings. Why Chicken and Dumplings you ask? Well, for starters, C&D’s are pretty darned good. Especially to folks who are Southerners like Morrison and me. C&D’s that aren’t totally screwed up (i.e. all mushy and gloopy) are comfort food to the Southern palate. They harken back to mama’s kitchen, the big cast iron kettle on the stove, and the wonderful and peppery aroma of stewed hens fresh from the yard combined with the tender and flavorful dumplings that have simmered in the lovely juices. (Damn…now I want a plate of them…*wistful sigh*)

But, to continue, they are a meal that sticks with you for just the right amount of time– they warm you and they even carry the right combination of enzymes to make you feel better when you have a cold. In short, they are one of the most perfect foods on the face of the earth.

Where the hell am I going with this? Read on…

Now, there is something else you should know about Chicken and Dumplings. If you pull into any Cracker Barrel in the United States, they will have a big ol’ pot of C&D’s simmering away in the kitchen. Now, while it is romantic to think they have a replica of mama’s kitchen back there, complete with the cast iron pot, I know better. It is a commercial kitchen, and the C&D’s are more than likely bubbling away in a big stainless steel stock pot, or in a tray on a steam table. But, that’s okay. They learned how to make C&D’s the right way. I even watched a show on Food Network where they talked about learning how to do it properly from a Southern Gramma, so there you go. All I can say is that I’ve had them on countless occasions, and they are VERY good. Damn near the way mama (and, my Grandaddy Babb, who owned a diner in Fulton, KY where I’m from) used to make ’em.

And, of course the point above is that they are already on the stove…What does this mean? Simple – Pull into a Cracker Barrel, and if you’re in a hurry, order the Chicken and Dumplings. They’ll be in front of you FAST, they’ll be good and filling, and you’ll be back on the road in no time.

I know, you still have no clue why it is that I think Morrison is actually evil and out to get me…Keep reading, you’ll understand soon…

So, as you all know Morrison and I tour together quite a lot. And, as I have talked about in the past, book tours encompass many modes of transportation. One of the primaries, however, is still the good old automobile. So, this means that be it my truck, her Jeep, or even a rental car, we cruise the highways and byways of the U.S. much like Tod and Buzz on Route 66. (Yeah, I’m dating myself again, but that’s not the point here…)

Now, being hard working authors, we get hungry. Powerful hungry in fact. Meaning, we need to eat. However, you must remember that there are times when we are doing multiple stores in multiple cities all in one day. So, we are doing a lot of driving and rushing about to get to places on time. Stopping to eat requires that it be QUICK, reasonable, and since we both like for it to be at least halfway decent, Cracker Barrel has literally become the “Official On The Road Restaurant of all Morrison-Sellars Book Tours”… Now, THEY might not know this, but we do…(Hmmmm…maybe we should tell them…That way maybe we’d get some kind of endorsement contract or something…Maybe even some free Chicken and Dumplings…)

Anyway, now I am digressing…

So, here’s the thing. Whenever we stop at Cracker Barrel, since the Chicken and Dumplings are so quick to be had, this allows Morrison an opportunity to shop (let me tell you, this is something she does like a maniac. It’s just plain frightening)…Anyway, so she shops in the “Country Store”…Thus far, she hasn’t forced me to strap a rocking chair to the hood of the vehicle or anything, but she has actually done far worse…

You see, the folks at Cracker Barrel sell some pretty odd crap. Everything from the nostalgic candies of my youth to John Deere hats. However, they also sell silly mechanical noisemaking animatronic bizarro holiday oriented thingywhatsits.

AHA! Now we have the evidence!

Yes. Morrison, being the good “Aunt” to my child that she is, has found it necessary on such occasions to purchase, for my child, these bizarro animatronic whatsits.

We currently have a Parrot which digitally records 5 seconds of sound, then morphs it through filters and replays it not once, but three times in succession at high pitch, high volume, and high speed. However, the thingywhatsit that triggered this particular blog is this:

This damn Easter frog thingywhatsit is currently sitting in a chair in my dining room. As you can see, it ain’t exactly small. On top of that, it is wired with both sound and motion sensors. Now, the thing about these sensors is that they are selectively operating sensors. What this means is that if you for some reason, (like you’ve had a few too many and have lost your mind) actually want to show someone how it works, you can jump up and down in front of it, shout, clap, and even fire a gun next to its friggin’ head and it will just stand there staring at you. (and yes, I’ve always checked to make sure it is switched on.) However, if it just happens that someone’s cell phone rings three blocks away, or a drosophila melanogaster (aka fruit fly) flies past the window, this freakin’ thing starts waving its arms and babbling in a high-pitched, childlike voice- It’s the best Easter ever! Time for an Easter egg hunt! It’s Easter time! Hooray for Easter! ad nauseum…

And that, my dear friends is why I am convinced that Morrison is not really my friend, but actually someone sent by a foreign espionage type agency on a mission to drive me insane.

And, you know what else? I think Kristin Madden is her partner.

Murv

Yeah…dying.

And, I don’t mean like up on stage or anything. Although, that has happened too. I once gave a workshop to about two dozen people who sat there quietly, never asked a question, cracked a smile, or even showed any expression on their faces. Apparently they didn’t find me anywhere near as amusing or informative as I find myself. So, I had no choice but to ask Morrison to turn them all into frogs. I mean, what are big sisters for if they can’t defend their little brothers from crap like that?

There I go doing that digressing thing again…I must have adult onset ADD or something. (No, not making light of the disorder at all. The way my brain bounces around I often wonder if I have a mild case of it…)

Hold on…Need more coffee…

That’s better…and see there? It didn’t take anywhere near as long as you thought it would.

Okay, so back to this dying thing…

Long about Monday afternoon the flu hit me. I’m pretty much figuring it was the flu because it was sudden–as in the symptoms literally appeared over the span of a couple of hours–and were accompanied by a fever, chills, body aches, and all the debilitating crap that comes with the actual influenza virus. And, after a few days of sweating it out, I started feeling better. So, though I don’t even play a doctor on TV (although I’ve had a few of them as characters running around in my books) I have officially diagnosed what I had as the flu. So there.

Oh…And, yes, I DID have a flu shot. I’m an old guy, so I always get one. And, I made it through the whole flu season without getting ill…Now this. Either the shot wore off, or it didn’t account for this fugged up strain…

Anyway, so the problem is that the feeling better only lasted about a day. Actually, around 18 hours at most. Then I plummeted right back into miserable. However, I think this time it is either a cold, brought about by my immune system having been weakened by the flu, or it is just some horrid aftermath of the flu virus itself. Not sure which.

I won’t go into too many gory details, suffice it to say I am horribly congested and have a nasty–and overly productive–cough. (yech!) The body aches WERE gone, but now they are back…However, I can literally trace this new round of pains directly to the violent coughing fits.

Like I said, I’m dying here. Now, aren’t you glad I shared?

Okay…I suppose I should write something worthwhile in this blog to make reading it worth your time, rather than just grouse about feeling bad. (Although, if you ask Morrison, she will be happy to tell you that after seeing my astrological chart, it’s pretty obvious that “it’s all about me,” so I suppose I am allowed to complain for a bit–yeah, big sisters pick on you too. That’s one of the downsides *grin*…So do younger sisters. Yeah, I’m talkin’ about you Madden. Guess it’s a sister thing. I’d say it was a female thing, but wives are a different story. They don’t just pick on you. They subjugate you and then use you as an oversized Ken™ doll when they feel like dressing someone up other than themselves…But that’s another story, for another blog…*LOL*)

What’s that? Oh yeah…I said I would write something worthwhile…Okay. You’re right…Guess I’d better get to it then…

So, important stuff. Hmmm…Well, this might be of interest:

Even with all this being sick and stuff I managed to finish a Rowan Gant Investigations short story for submission to an anthology which is being put out by a different publisher. Even though WillowTree has dibs on all the future novel length Rowan Gant books ad infinitum, there wasn’t an issue with the characters appearing elsewhere, which is a good thing. It allows those crazy kids to go explore other stuff and get in trouble elsewhere for a change.

I can’t really say much about the anthology right at the moment, but as soon as I can, I will. What I can reveal is that the editor really liked the story. I suppose it helps that she was already a fan, but as I’ve said in the past, editors are evil. My WTP editor is a fan too, but she never hesitates to tell me if she hates something. I can only assume that it is an “editor gene sequence” and that they all will be brutally honest. At least, that has been my experience. However, the thing about all this is that since the setting for this piece was a bit of a departure for my characters, I was a fairly worried about effectively implementing it.

Apparently I was losing sleep over nothing.

Either way, like I said, as soon as I am free to run off at the mouth I will be doing so. You know me, and since it is about me, well…just ask Morrison. *grin*

Let’s see…Did I mention that I am miserable sick? I did? Okay…just checking…

Hmmmm…Well, I don’t know if I am in a frame of mind to answer any of the FAQ/Questions of the week right now. Maybe in a couple of days…Or, later next week actually, since I am buried with writing and my blogging needs to take a back seat to that…Which means, only one or two blogs per week right now as I am sure you’ve noticed…In fact, I’ve even received email about it.

So…how about some RGI trivia? Sound good? ‘Kay, here goes:

Little Known Trivia About the RGI Series

1) Various homicide detectives and patrol cops in the RGI series who are recurring peripheral type characters, requiring little to no development but still needing a name other than “hey you”, are named for the various English/Lit teachers/profs I had in high school and college: Ackman, Golden, Osthoff, Martin, and many others.

2) Yes. The recurring character named “Murv”–the lead crime scene technician with the SLPD Crime Scene Unit–is me. Kinda one of those Hitchcockian/Kingian cameo things. (Yeah…all about me again… *snicker*)

3) The cameo character of the news helicopter pilot in The Law Of Three, while never actually given a name, was an homage to St. Louis news helicopter pilot and hometown hero Allen Barklage, who was killed in a crash September 25th, 1998. Like the character in the book answered in reply to a question from Rowan, Barklage actually was a member of the 192nd AHC (Attack Helicopter Company) in Vietnam. As if surviving that weren’t enough, he gained notoriety here in STL for not only surviving, but foiling (while in flight) an attempt to hijack his helicopter so that it could be used for a prison break. Barklage was also responsible for using his aircraft to rescue a person who had jumped from a local bridge into the Missouri River.

4) I actually thought this one was glaring, but while some folks caught it, many others did not. No, I’m not commenting on the intelligence of the reading public here. I am just observing that I may have overestimated the “obviousness” of this bit of trivia. Of course, since I “already know the answer before I write the question,” all of it seems terribly obvious to me. Anyhow, Eldon Andrew Porter, the recurring antagonist who first appeared in Never Burn A Witch, shares his  initials with a famous author. His name was derived from the initials EAP (obviously) which are the same as one of my all time favorite writers, Edgar Allen Poe.

Okay…there are many more tidbits I can reveal, but I think I’ll leave them for another day. I need to go hack up a lung then grab some more coffee.

Hope everyone else out there is feeling better than I do right now. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone…

Welllll…that’s not entirely true. Maybe I’d wish it on Barbara Albright and Eldon Porter…

MR/Murv