BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Okay…

Between here, there, and everywhere I get a ton of email. Some of it Spam, some of it Treet. (Both of which I thoroughly enjoy, fried, on whole wheat, with a slice of american cheese.)

Some of it is important, some of it isn’t. Some of it warrants a reply, some of it doesn’t. But, what I am on about here is the stuff that needs a reply, but there is so much of it that I don’t have time to do so. Therefore, rather than cut and paste and all that, I am going to answer some of these Frequently Asked Questions here in my blog. Some of the questions truly are asked frequently. Others, not so much, but I found them worthy of a response for one reason or another. So, without further rambling from me (or, not so informative rambling anyway) here we go:

1) I’m interested in being a writer. Can you give me some tips for writing a good story?

Well, let’s address part one of that– Are you insane? You need to be if you want to actually be a writer for a living. Just thought I’d get that out of the way. As to tips, if you ask several authors the same question you will get several different answers. The points where we would all agree, however, would probably be the following: Write about something you are familiar with. If you aren’t familiar with it, then GET familiar with it (ie research). Be passionate about what you are writing. Passion is what makes a good story, not just words joined together in coherent phrases. Accept constructive criticism, and ignore those who have nothing constructive to say. Learn the difference between the two. Write for yourself and no one else. You can’t please everyone. It took me a few bad reviews and a good friend’s advice in order to learn that lesson. Even though you say you are listening to me now, you really aren’t. You will need to learn this lesson on your own just like we all have. The best I can do is tell you what I just did so that you can be prepared for what you have to face. And finally, this is supposed to be fun. If it ain’t fun, the story is going to suck, so stop and write something that’s fun.

2) Will Eldon Porter’s story ever be revisited?

For those who may not have read the RGI series, or aren’t far enough into it yet, Eldon Porter is an antagonist within the story arc who has made two appearances…well really twp appearances and a couple of mentions…throughout. He’s not a particulary nice guy. And, to answer the question, yes. Eldon will return. When, I am not saying…I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

3) Can I have your checks?

This was in response to an earlier blog, and isn’t actually frequently asked. In fact, this is the only time it has been asked. I just thought it was funny. BTW, the answer is NO.

4) Have you ever considered a Rowan Gant Investigations Movie?

Hey, I’d love to see something like that. In fact, a script was actually written. However, I don’t have much control over that…I mean, YES, I have the rights to my works, therefore if someone wants to make a movie based on the books they have to come through me first. However, I don’t have sixty-million laying around in order to finance a movie….so, unless somebody in Hollerwood decides they want to make an RGI movie, I guess we’ll all just have to be happy with the books.

5) If an RGI movie were made, who would you cast in the various parts?

Well, just like the previous answer, I would have no real say in that. The movie folks don’t give a flying rats a** who I want to play the parts. All I did was write the books and create the characters. I couldn’t possibly know who could properly personify them…That said, IF I had some sort of say in it, I think it would be something like this–

Rowan Gant – John Corbett (yes, he’s a bit tall, but they can do all manner of cool stuff with camera angles…hell, they made Gary Sinise a double amputee in Forrest Gump, I think they can probably make Corbett look a bit shorter than whoever played Ben.)

Felicity O’Brien – Lea Thompson (although, if said movie were to be a few years in the future, Scarlett Pomers would be perfect, and my absolute first choice,  if she could do the on again-off again accent and toss about a bit of Gaelic. Right now, however, she’s only like 19 or something, so she’s a bit too young…Especially if Corbett was playing Rowan.)

Ben Storm – Jimmy Smits (I know, he’s not actually Native American, but I think he could pull it off. However, there may well be a NA actor or two out there I haven’t thought of.)

Constance Mandalay – Jewel Staite (throw some makeup at her that would get rid of the girlishness, put her in a power suit and give her a Sig Sauer, and I’m betting the loveable ships mechanic from Firefly would make a great hard nosed FBI agent. Just my personal view.)

The rest of the characters I haven’t really given that much thought where a movie is concerned. However, on other involvements–

Director – Michael Mann, Joss Whedon, Chris Carter (one of the three)

Music – Mark Snow, Greg Edmonson, Tommy Shaw, and James Young (all of the above)

Of course, like I said, the above is all just daydreaming…

6) This wasn’t so much a question as an estimation by someone pointing out that authors don’t actually make a ton of money. Although, the question, however rude, “how much do you make?” has been asked before. So, here is how getting paid as an author works…

Typical royalties are something like 10-12 percent of wholesale, per copy, minus returns (people also don’t realize that the book industry is just about the only one where the merchandise is returnable by the distributor forever.)

So, let’s say you buy one of my mass market paperbacks. They retail at 8.95… Wholesale price to a distributor, on average (depending on quantity discounts, etc. for given distributors) is going to be something like 3.75. Direct to a bookstore probably something like 5.40… Most sales go to the wholesaler/distributors, but for the sake of argument we will average these two which gives us something like 4.58. Soooo, I get right around 46 cents per copy sold (in reality it is less, because like I said, the bulk of the sales go to distributors at a higher discount)…

Now, let’s say 10,000 copies sell during a year (I wish!!). I make a whopping 4600 bucks. NOT 46 Thousand…Four Thousand Six Hundred. However, let’s consider that of those 10,000 copies, 4000 get returned to the publisher. (this is not unusual, as bookstores rotate stock. In many chains, if it hasn’t sold in thirty days, it gets returned to the distributor. If it happens to get damaged in shipping, oh well, too bad so sad, the distributor returns it to the publisher for a full refund..) So, remember, my check is minus returns…So, it now becomes $4600 minus $1840, which leaves me with $2760. But, MR…you say…you have seven books out there. Yeah…So, 7 times $2760 works out to $19,320.

Now, understand, I’m not complaining here. I’m just answering a question. While the calculations above are simplified for the sake of not having to explain all of the intricacies of a royalty report, the end result is pretty much the same. Not wealthy, just making a living.

What about your advance, you say? Well, advances are nice, but unless you are a really big name, they aren’t usually more than 2-5K…AND, the name ADVANCE is literal…It is an ADVANCE against your royalties, so it isn’t free money. You literally won’t see any royalties on that title until such time as it has sold enough copies to have made back the advance monies.

Okay, so there’s your lesson in collecting an author’s paycheck…

And, that’s all of the questions for now. I’ll collect a few more and answer them in a future blog…

MR

(This post is in response to a comment left when the Yule Poem was originally posted on Myspace…)

Yes, Jo, I am often amazed that EK doesn’t strangle me as well…

However, I feel compelled to give you all the history behind my version of “Twas the Night Before Xmas”…And, no, it isn’t because EK has me in a choke hold, or that she is standing over me with a flogger…

(Probably because she’s at work right now .)

Anyhow, the posted version of “TwasXmas” is one that is slightly tweaked, with a couple of extra verses added. The “original” psycho-redheaded-material girl filk of this timeless poem was written by me back in December, 1995. Yes, pre Rowan Gant (but not by much, as I began writing the short stories upon which the RGI series are based in 1996.)

Some of you may be aware that I had a long career as a Senior Level Electronics Technician, and in July of ’95 I was stolen away from the service center I managed by a company that had landed a lucrative contract with none other than Western Union. They needed someone capable of doing component level repair on old Concord Payment Terminals. Now, while I had never even seen one of these blue beasts before going to work for this company, I was part of a dying breed of technician–meaning, not only could I work on computers, but I actually knew how to use an Oscilloscope, Logic Probe, Solder/Desolder Station, as well as being able to read schematics. This meant that I could take one of these little beggars apart, track down the offending components (logic IC’s, resistors, capacitors, crystals, what have you) and replace them. They offered me A BUNCH of money to come work for them, as well as some especially tidy bonuses if I could meet a particular quota of repairs. At the risk of blowing my own horn, I actually did 2.5 times the quota each year–so the bonuses were very nice.

So, there is the setup. I left a management position to become a bench tech for another company. While that seems a step down, the dollars made it quite a step up.

However, something I discovered after joining this company is that during the annual Xmas Party, the newest member of the staff was required to Sing, Dance, or in some fashion briefly entertain the rest of the staff. Having been hired on in July, I hoped that I would be spared by a more recent hire but alas, that was not to be. When the holiday party rolled around, I was still the newest kid on the block, and 2 minutes of silly entertainment was expected of me.

Since I cannot carry a tune in a bucket, even if I have help, (just ask the Barstool Prophets…I sat in with them during a party held in my honor at Violet Flame Gifts in Ohio and croaked through a song or two…in my defense I was rather inebriated, but I digress…) As I was saying, since my ear is apparently composed of a tin-aluminum alloy, I asked if it would be okay for me to recite a poem instead. (Yeah, I can’t dance either…think Elaine from Seinfeld)…They were all for that and so it was set. However, you know me. I couldn’t see my way clear to recite something serious, and “TwasXmas” was born.

I actually have the two fading yellow sheets of legal pad paper upon which the original version was written here on my desk. I dug them out of my files so that I could transcribe the bit of rhyme here, and of course, decided to tweak it a bit in the process…(One of those silly writer things)

But, this isn’t where the story ends…(Yeah, here comes the part about EK)…The poem was written all in fun. The absolute truth of the matter is that EK is one of the most practical individuals on the face of the earth. Were the scenario in the poem real, she would be more likely to offer the fat SOB a Scotch, then sit down and calmly talk to him about her list which would contain such items as warm socks, an electric blanket, or maybe some new towels for the linen closet. I kid you not.

Yes, Virginia, the only thing material about my redhead is the fact that I spoil her with material things whenever I can afford it. Oh, she’s still Evil, don’t misunderstand. She’s just not a material kind of Evil…

So, there you have it.

MR