BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Of course, you know me…Don’t I always?

So, anyway, pull up a chair, because this is going to take a couple of minutes.

My issue is with the self-appointed style police. Now, when I say style police I’m not talking about the folks who give grief over what you happen to be wearing that day. Although, given that I just returned home from doing my morning running about in public (post office and the like), and I was wearing a pair of denim shorts, a black t-shirt, and a pair of brown, generic “Crocs,” I suppose they would be up in arms too. (Let me tell you, those Crocs the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever owned, so don’t be surprised if you see me wearing them at a book signing or a festival when I am going to be on my feet all day.)

Nope. I’m talking about the Literary Style Police… And, remember, I said self-appointed, because believe you me, I never once saw them on any ballot I’ve cast in my lifetime.

So, what has triggered this for me? Well, not what you might expect. You see, I received a friend request from another writer yesterday. So, what did I do? I went and checked out her site, just like I do whenever anyone else sends me a friend request, or before I send one to someone.

I bet you thought I was just saying that on my main page, didn’t you? Nope. No joke. I really do go check people out before I approve the request, or be so bold as to send one.

But, anyway, I approved her request and then took a moment to read some of her blog. One of the entries was of particular interest. It was a list of words (tags) you should NEVER use when writing dialogue, because as everyone knows you should only use the word “said.”

Now…this writer noted that she was being somewhat facetious about this list, and I have no doubt that she was. In fact, to her credit, she does point out that she doesn’t completely agree with the list with the exception that it is a good rule of thumb to follow if you haven’t yet honed your craft and learned not to overuse the tags. I actually agree with her on that point, and I also applaud her effort at educating new writers. However, I would also caution that the tag “said” not be overused either. It is nowhere near as invisible, or unobtrosive as the style police would have you believe. In fact, it is downright clumsy and halting. Not only does it make for very dry, boring, dialogue, it often provides a bigger stumbling block than some of the words on “the list” simply because it doesn’t agree with the punctuation in the dialogue.

In addition, once written dialogue is flowing properly, tags need only be inserted here and there. Not on every line of speech. And then, they should be inserted to enhance, not to merely “point out that s/he SAID something.” The only other reason would be for the purpose of identifying the speaker, but again, if you have properly established the flow, the reader will already know who is speaking without it.

However, let me add that this is MY opinion on writing. We will get into why I just “said” that in a moment.

What interested me most about her blog entry was that some of the comments (not all, but some) she received about her blog came from writers/editors who wholeheartedly agreed with this no-no list. I secretly suspect they are a part of that bizarre little group of staunch supporters who cling for dear life to that rule about using only the dialogue tag “said”, and no other, as if it were a life preserver. I’ve had occasion to meet a few of these people, and while they may not ALL be this way, the handful I have experienced are no less than zealots. They love to cite rules about what they call “saidisms.” No, I did NOT say sadism, I said “saidisms.” The word said with an ism added to the end for maximum effect. One of my favorite things to ask these people is that since they are so caught up in following their so called “rules,” then why are they breaking them by making up a word? You see, the word “saidism” doesn’t exist. They made it up in order to sound like they were some sort of expert. So, when greeted by that word being thrown in my face, rather than “say” what I said above, I grunt it with amusement.

But, I don’t want to sound like an ass here. I do have to cut them some slack. Some of these folks are highly educated–some of them impressively so. I just think they have made the mistake of hitching their carts to a big, steaming bucket of stagnant thinking.

Time for some anecdotal fun…

I once had an editor insist that I replace every dialogue tag in one of my manuscripts with the word “said.” All of them. Even when someone asked a question and the line would read something on the order of:

“Where did you put the screaming howler monkeys?” he asked.

Apparently, according to “the rules” I wasn’t supposed to say, “he asked.” I was supposed to say, “he said.” But, he didn’t just say it. He asked it.

Said, the past participle of say, means to state, utter, speak, etc.

Asked means to put a question to, or make an inquiry.

Since the character in this instance actually “put a question to” another character, rather than simply make a statement, doesn’t putting “said” there seem a little odd to you? It does to me.

So, I had to ask. And, when I asked (or should that be said?) “why”, I was told that it was the rule.

Well, you know me, always stirring the pot…I wanted to know who made that rule. The response I got was that Elmore Leonard made the rule. Indeed, Mr. Leonard did say this. In fact, he has a list of 10 rules about writing and that is #3 on his hit list. #4, by the way, is to never use adverbs to modify the verb said. Poor adverbs. I don’t know what they ever did to him but it must have been bad. I feel sorry for “said” too, because Mr. Leonard has now forbidden it from playing with its good friends the adverbs. It’s a regular Romeo and Juilet looking for a place to happen…

So, I have another question, (I said.) Who died and appointed Elmore Leonard God Almighty of the writing community, thereby giving him the authority to lay down rules that I am somehow bound to follow?

The editor got mad at me and proceeded to call me names. Yes. Really. Apparently Elmore Leonard is some sort of personal deity to her and I had just committed the grave sin of blasphemy by questioning his Godhood. How the hell was I suppose to know?

Now, before you get your panties up your crack, I’m not aiming that comment at Mr. Leonard himself, and I am not trying to be vicious about it. What I am saying is very simply this: the man gave some advice based on how he does things and how he views his job as an author. That’s wonderful. More power to him. I’m all about advice and that sort of thing. Hell, I’ve even given out a bit of it myself. However, just because Elmore Leonard said “this is the way it must be done” this suddenly means that anyone who does it differently is wrong? I don’t know about you, but that seems just a little ridiculous to me. (BTW, rule #6 on Mr. Leonard’s list is never use the word “suddenly”… Looks to me that simply by writing this blog I am damning myself to author hell…Oh well, as long as they have beer I’m all good.)

I had yet another question (I said) Just like me, isn’t it? All these questions? I must have driven my parents nuts… Anyway, for sake of argument I will pose this question to you here now (I said)…If we aren’t supposed to use all of these words we have accumulated in the English language over the years, then exactly why do we have them? If said is the same as asked, replied, acknowledged, grunted, spewed, or any other verb, then why don’t we just get rid of all those other words and save some space in the dictionary? Obviously we don’t need them, correct? It would save paper, thereby saving trees and reducing pollution. Everybody wins. And, maybe then the style police could even go ahead and petition to have saidism added because there would now be room for it…Of course, if we got rid of all of the so-called saidisms there wouldn’t really be a need for the word saidism then, would there? (I said). Of course, that would mean we wouldn’t have a need for style police either…

Nahhhh. They’d find something else to complain about. On the heels of their victory they would probably start some sort of movement to change all nouns to pronouns, because he and she are far less intrusive than a character’s actual name when reading text…I can see it now…I’ll need to change all of the current titles in my series. Harm None: A He Investigation…Never Burn A Witch: A He Investigation…

Silly, yes. But, in my opinion, it really isn’t any more silly than telling me I can’t use any dialogue tag other than said. If writers are supposed to use the language to convey thoughts and emotions then why in the world would you restrict the language they are allowed to use? I don’t know about you, but to me that makes about as much sense as repeatedly hitting yourself on the thumb with a ball peen hammer. (Of course, if you are into that sort of thing, more power to you. But, I don’t wanna hear about it…)

Okay, so let’s think about this for a minute…And, while you are thinking, I will jump in my “wayback machine,” set it for 1903, then go back and tell the Wright brothers that they can’t fly. Wait…I think they got told that by other people didn’t they? But, they did it anyway. Hmmmm…Funny how that works. I get told I can’t use a dialogue tag other than said, but I ignore that “rule” (as do countless other writers), and yet we still have loyal fans and readers.

Hmmmm….guess all of our fans and readers are big nasty rule breakers too, eh?

I’m sure by now you are saying to yourself, “Holy crap! Murv must have had someone complain about him using a saidism.” Well, if that is what you are saying to yourself, you would be correct. However, it hasn’t happened recently. Not for quite some time actually. But, I am sure I will get more. The hate mail tends to come in waves. Now that I’m writing this blog, I’ll probably get several in the immediate future. Oh well… The style police are always on the prowl, it gives them something to do…

However, to validate what you are mumbling (I’m sorry, saying) to yourself, yes, throughout the years I have received a dozen or so scathing mails/emails from anti-fans telling me that I am a hack because I don’t follow “the rules.” My favorite vilification came from a particular lady who went on about how even a first time “fanfic” writer knew better than to break the rules I have broken throughout my novels. Actually, that “argument” has been tossed at me two or three times. I personally think it is funny. However, what made her particular letter my personal favorite was the fact that she was so caught up in chastising me for having the unmitigated gall to use a dialogue tag other than “said” that she neglected to proof her own work which was filled with misspellings, misused words, and several grammar issues.

I was amused. A couple of typos I can understand. I’m good for those myself. But, these weren’t typos. Trust me.

Now, back to Mr. Leonard. No offense intended, but I must be honest– I don’t much care for his writing, but that’s just my opinion. It doesn’t make his writing bad…or, dare I say “wrong.” Although, several of the things HE does break MY 10 rules…But, so what. That isn’t the point. Those are MY rules, just like his rules are HIS rules. The basic fact is, I just don’t particularly like his style.

And, yes. There it is again. That word…Style.

How we write is a matter of style. In fact, many authors submit their manuscripts along with something called a “style sheet”…For those of you who may not know what that is, a “style sheet” is something that shows your editor how YOU do things. i.e. which rules you plan to break, and why. For instance, non-standard capitalization, intentional grammatical anomalies, non-standard spellings, and so on….

So, that covers the specifics. But what about the basics? The basic style elements get dictated by who? The editors in the industry? Other writers? English teachers? Society? Actually, all of the above. But, guess what? (I said) Unlike the speed of light these “rules” are not a universal constant. They change. Constantly. So, I guess in a way they are constant…by that I mean constantly changing, not constantly remaining constant. Make sense? Yeah, I know. Just read it again slowly.

Anyway, If you don’t believe me, then here is an example. If you are my age, or anywhere near, then you remember that when we were in school we were taught that it was an absolute taboo to end a sentence with a preposition. Guess what?The rule changed. It’s okay to do that now. Really. I’m not kidding. Go ahead and end a sentence with the word “for” if you are so inclined. It is now grammatically correct, no matter what Mr. Golden or Ms. Ackman taught me all those years ago.

So, why do rules change? Because they become antiquated and no longer work for a given situation or era. And, here’s a news flash. Rules dictating writing style are in an even greater state of flux, because while you have all of the folks listed above dictating the elements of style, each of us dictate our own as well. — Remember the style sheet? And, a breaking news update to go with the one above: Style rules can be broken without anyone getting hurt or going to jail. I know…sounds crazy doesn’t it? (I said) But let me clue you in on a little secret. The style police actually have no authority. Really. They can’t even write tickets. No. I’m not kidding. All they can do is play with their sirens (by that I mean, whine and complain.)

So, what is the deal with all of these “rules” then? To paraphrase the popular movie pirates–They are more like a set of suggested guidelines.

So, there you have it. Just like I’m not going to let someone else dictate which shoes I wear when I go to the post office (except my wife, and well, you know how that is…) I’m not going to let anyone else dictate my writing style.

You shouldn’t either.

Okay…Now I am off to write some stuff and use all of the wrong words while doing it. Wish me luck.

MR

PS. Oh, and there are probably some typos in this…so sue me. 😉

Okay…

For medical reasons I am not going to disclose I have been off solid food since Thursday, therefore I’ve been a bit cranky. Generic Ensure ™ just doesn’t fill the empty space, if you know what I mean. Why am I telling you this? Well, it may have something to do with the events of the day…read on.

Fast forward to today, which was our designated “family” day for the week. That being the day where we do something “fun” as a family. On today’s agenda was “Art in Bloom“…This is where floral arrangers compete to create arrangements out of plant matter that look similar to various given pieces of art hanging in the Saint Louis Art Museum. (For purposes of this blog, I am using the term “art” very loosely…in fact, that is what this blog is really all about.)

Now… Since I have offended folks with my opinions in the past, understand that I am neither poking fun at anyone (other than, perhaps, myself), nor am I making light of floral arrangers, pedantic intellectuals, artists, or docents. My grandmother was a floral arranger and believe me she could have shown these folks a thing or two.

No…What I am about to go on about is the Art Museum. Again, I am using this term “ART” rather loosely (in my estimation.)

Really, what it comes down to is that I think I am about to go on about what a completely uncultured redneck I really and truly am.

Again, hit the fast forward button, and we arrive at the Art Museum in Forest Park, midtown Saint Louis, MO. For those who are familiar with the area, this is, of course, where “Art Hill” is…For those UNfamiliar with the area, Art Hill is a big undulating slope in front of the museum where people flock to in the winter in order to go sledding. I point this out because just about anyone in Saint Louis can tell you stories about Art Hill, even if they have never set foot inside the Art Museum. As you read on, you will discover that the folks who know about Art Hill and NOT the inside of the museum are the normal people (in my opinion).

Anyway, this is also where a major icon of Saint Louis resides. No, not the Arch (aka Jefferson National Expansion Memorial. That is down on the riverfront with such things as Lacledes Landing (a four odd block or thereabouts, cobblestone paved section that houses a ton of bars and eateries) and the Riverboat Casino’s.

Nope, what I am talking about is the big ass statue of the dude on the horse. (King Louis IX of France, actually…but, I like the name, “dude on the horse” better.)

But, I’m digressing, as I usually do…

So, we go into the Museum. Now, understand that an ART Museum is one of the last places on earth I would take myself if I was the one making the choice. However, since this was family day, this expo was going on, and there was a kid activity (AKA “Arrange some wilted flowers in a block of green crap 101, on your own, have fun, hurry up, move along, see ya’ later, sir you can’t use the flash to take a picture of your daughter with her arrangement, even out here in the lobby where there is no art”) this is where we went.

Hang on…it gets better…But let me start with a question…

Have you ever seen one of those movies where people are languidly strolling around an art museum, nodding thoughtfully, and making overly pedantic comments about the use of color, shape, shadow, etc, all while wearing turtleneck sweaters and blazers that have been out of style for two years? Not to mention that the item they are making these pretentious remarks about, as if they are world renowned experts, is usually something so hideous that a velvet paint-by-numbers portrait of Elvis, “the girdle years”, would look good by comparison?

Well, if you have, then you already witnessed my morning and early afternoon. (other than the flower and green crap thing…and getting yelled at by a docent for taking a picture of my kid and having the gall to use the built in flash on the camera so that she actually showed up in the photograph.)

Basically, I spent two hours wandering around this huge building, dodging horribly rude people, looking at the following things:

REALLY OLD Furniture. I mean REALLY OLD. Like antiques from France and stuff. Kinda nice if you like that sort of thing, (I don’t, personally) but none of it looked actually comfortable enough to sit in, on, or even around, so I’m not so sure what was that great about it.

REALLY ODD (not old) Furniture: There was this chair made out of leftover 2×4’s. I kid you not. Pieces of 2×4’s and a slab of a 2×12. Put together with wood screws, and then whitewashed. Only one coat, too. And it didn’t even have a cushion. I actually have enough scrap lumber in my basement to make about ten of them. I’m thinking of going around to art museums and offering them the knock-offs at a reduced rate. Even at a discount I’ll still be a millionaire for an initial investment of $27.32 plus about 3 hours of work.

REALLY OLD Place settings that looked pretty much like the Courier and Ives that we have in our china cabinet downstairs, only the designs on the old stuff weren’t nearly as cool as the ones on the C&I.

NOT SO MUCH OLD Furniture. I mean furniture that is EXACTLY like the furniture my parents had in our living room when I was growing up. Hell, it might have actually been the furniture that was in our living room that someone rescued from the dump and wiped off for all I know. (Yeah, I know I’m old, but not THAT old. Besides, I thought this was supposed to be an ART museum, not a history museum…)

Some small GLASS “SCULPTURES” that looked exactly like some candle holders I bet you could get at  Pier 1 for 5 bucks a pair.

Other than that, the rest of what I saw appeared to be a bunch of UNFORTUNATE MISTAKES.

These mistakes were supposed to be paintings. And sculptures. I think. I’m not entirely certain. You see, they didn’t really have any subject matter. Any that I could readily identify, anyway. Several of them looked like someone vomited and instead of cleaning it up they just smeared it around and then sprayed lacquer on it before hanging it on the wall and giving it a bizarre name like “Oxidized Metal Wires on a Paper Plate” or some such.

Others– one’s that actually HAD recognizable subject matter, looked horribly disproportionate and discolored. If they weren’t completely out of whack colorwise and proportionwise, then they were so horribly drawn as to look like someone simply doodled (poorly) while on the phone then colored it in.

(Note: My daughter, while in Kindergarten, did a self-portrait that ended up hanging in the board of education offices in Jefferson City (the MO state capital) for 30 days. And, yeah, while I am certainly prejudiced where my daughter is concerned, I would put that self portrait by a 5 year old up against just about anything I saw today…)

Believe it or not, there was this huge painting that was apparently worth some inordinate amount of money, and it was nothing but a stick figure (I kid you not) along with some VERY RANDOM splashes of paint, and some word scrawled across it (I can’t remember the particular word, as it was in a foreign language.)

What’s more…ALL of this stuff was protected not only by wandering docents and guards, but by alarm systems that detected such slight movements that my daughter set a couple of them off just because she was so short.

And, remember those people in turtlenecks? They were everywhere. One of them was even nice enough to attempt engaging me in conversation. Unfortunately, being the uncultured individual that I am, when she finished her unsolicited commentary about the particular artist’s use of color and shape, I looked back at her and literally said, “Really? What’s it supposed to be? It looks like an unfortunate accident to me.” (No…I really did. I’m not kidding…And I wasn’t saying it to be mean. I was hoping that she would actually explain to me what it was supposed to be and not just give me a lecture on color and some obtuse shape described only by her waving her hand in a wild gyration.)

Unfortunately, she wasn’t particularly interested in speaking to me after that. Guess I made her nervous.

Now, I did try to go into this with an open mind. And I DID actually see some wonderful photo’s of glaciers done by an artist who uses photography as his medium. I also liked the antique guns and swords. Those were pretty interesting.

Maybe the rest of it wasn’t all that enjoyable because I hadn’t had solid food in several days and I was just crabby. But, I don’t think so. Even if I’d just had a prime rib dinner with all the trimmings I’m pretty sure I would have still considered most of what I saw today a series of horrible mistakes being witnessed by a mess of pedantic folks with nothing better to do than get together and be pedantic with one another.

No. I’m not making fun of them or putting them down. If they think that stuff is art and they enjoy debating the subtleties of this shadow or that shadow on a canvas that is covered with random words and smears of ink, more power to them. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and hey, if what they saw was beautiful to them I’m all for it.

It’s just that…well…to me…Well, let’s just say that I don’t get it.

Must be one of those redneck, guy things…

MR