BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Excuse me for a moment while I try on my best Andy Rooney impersonation…

Ahem…Gargle…Ahem-Ahem…

Okay, here goes…

Have ya’ ever noticed that some people will get hung up on a catch phrase, or a word, and then use it to death?

Okay, well that impersonating thing hurts my throat so I’m gonna stop, but as to the above question, seriously…Have you ever noticed that? Well, obviously I have…

I guess my rant, in this case, is a bit targeted. What I mean is, I am aiming this at food/cooking shows in particular…Especially those on the Food Network, one of my favorite channels…Except for, as you must certainly notice, this little issue here.

There are two utterances in particular that are really starting to get on my nerves. Maybe it is the fact that I make my living with words that I am so sensitive to this, but in any case, here is my beef (do you like how I worked that food reference in there? [grin]).

1) The word “Off” – Now “off” is a fairly specific word meaning the opposite of “on”. Pretty easy to deal with, Not terribly obtrusive when used in its given context. It’s not even that bad when used as a brand name for oven cleaner. However, in the past year or so there has been this movement among those driving the kitchen to append this word to particular cooking verbs that, frankly, are fairly self explanatory. Sure, they might require the additional prefix of “slow” (as in slow roasted) or “pan” (as in pan seared) but they definitely have no need for a meaningless appendage hanging off their backsides dragging them down –

For instance… “First we take some poblano peppers, place them on a baking sheet and roast them OFF…”

Excuse me? Roast them “off” of what? Are you telling me that you want me to roast them under the broiler until they fall off the baking sheet? That really doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense now does it?

Or, as I heard today… “Sprinkle cinnamon and sugar on the flour tortilla then bake it OFF for a few minutes…”

Bake it off? Are we having a contest of which I am unaware? The great tortilla bake-off? Or, am I supposed to bake it until all of the cinnamon and sugar comes off? That will be kind of hard because once the sugar starts to caramelize it will tend to glaze and bond with  the porous tortilla…Therefore, in order to get rid of the sugar I am going to have to burn this thing  beyond recognition, rendering it pretty much inedible…Wouldn’t it be better for me to just shake it so the cinnamon and sugar fall off? Or, here’s an idea – how about if I just don’t put the cinnamon and sugar on it to begin with and I won’t have a need to “insert verb here” it off. Saves time and gets the recipe done faster…

And, I’ve even repeatedly heard… “Then we take the tenderloin [or other cut of meat] and grill it OFF on each side…”

Again I ask, OFF of what? If it falls off the grill and into the coals it might not be all that tasty…if it missed the coals and ends up on the ground…well, let’s not go there. I’ve been there before and let’s just say beef brisket and sand don’t mix unless you are trying to clean your teeth or something…But, that is another story involving a barbecue, too much beer, an unstable Weber kettle, and a rousing game of Frisbee.

You know, I have no clue whatsoever how this trend began… This is merely a guess, but if I had to lay money I would say some tongue tied cook on a show accidentally tagged “off” to the end of something he was saying. Simple mistake, slip of the tongue, all good. BUT (you knew there would be one of those, right?) Some fruit loop heard it and thought “Hey, that sounds cool so I think I’ll start saying it so everyone will think I am some kind of important chef.” (Guess again, it makes you sound like a friggin’ idiot.)

The next thing you know everyone with a cooking show is appending “off” to the ends of their verbs. Honestly, kids, this has gotten waaaaayyyyyyy too ridiculous and out of hand. Drop the off, use the verbs as they are intended, and call it good. You’ll be amazed at how much more sense you will suddenly make.

This brings me to the next problem child…

2) “Flavorful” – Okay. Not a real problem in and of itself. It’s a word. It’s even a viable word that can certainly be used in conjunction with food or ingredients in recipes. It makes perfect sense. If you say it once or possibl;y twice…(although, personally I think once is quite enough…)

From where the idea came that the word “flavorful” was the one and only descriptor to be used while explaining food, I again have no clue. I can only say that I personally first noticed it when I accidentally landed the channel on the Food Network during a show featuring Tyler Florence. I say accidentally because Tyler just isn’t one of my favorites. I’m not a fan. I mean, I’m sure he’s a nice guy and he appears to know his way around the kitchen- he even has a stack of degrees to prove it- but in general his show and recipes simply fail to do anything for me, so I don’t watch him. (No offense intended, Tyler. But, let’s be honest – you probably don’t read my books either, so we’re even.)

Anyway, I digress… The thing is I stopped on that channel and there he was talking about a recipe. Much to my horror, in the span of 15 seconds he said the word “flavorful” 5 times. I think he even said it twice in one sentence.

Then, a short while later I saw him on an Applebees commercial…And there was that word again…I can’t remember for sure but I think he said it at least twice in the 5 second span he was talking, but don’t hold me to that… Even if I’m wrong and he said it only once that was more than enough. He’d already beaten it to death earlier and the fact that he was repeating it was proof enough to me that he was stuck on it and needed a date with a thesaurus.

I mean, even Emeril Lagasse was smart enough to back off on the trademark “BAM” after a while…Yeah, he still does it, but not every two seconds…

So, Tyler…come on. Depending on the particular ingredient there are a whole host of places you can go – delicious, tasty, delicate, savory, juicy, fresh, peppery, zesty, sweet, tangy, and mild, just to name a few…bursting with flavor, full of flavor…hell, even “full-flavored”… But, let’s give “flavorful” a rest, okay? It’s tired. You’ve stretched it way too thin and it just can’t cover the spread any longer…It really wants to go back to its page in the dictionary and take a nap…I, for one, really think you should let it…

Now, the thing that has really gotten under my skin about number two is that since Mister Florence has continued to use this word to to the exclusion of all other adjectives, suddenly some of my favorite folks on Food Network such as Alton Brown have started randomly tossing it out there too. Alton….Dude… Please don’t make me tune YOU out too…That would be a pity because I actually think you are a hoot…

Sooooo…at this point, theoretically, I suppose I should make them a deal…Something like “stop screwing with the language and I’ll stay out of the kitchen…” The problem here is that I am actually schooled to be in the kitchen. Perhaps not as much as they are, but schooled nonetheless… So, that makes it pretty hard for me to offer that deal…However, since there probably isn’t any danger of me getting myself a cooking show anytime soon, I’ll advance this compromise…

Y’all stop beating up the language and I won’t cook on TV.

‘Nuff said…

More to come…

Murv

…Geriatric Fetish Dominatrix Hooker.

Yeah, that got your attention, didn’t it? And, no, it’s not just a ploy to get you to read this blog. Well, not entirely, anyway (wink wink, nudge nudge).

So, what am I babbling about?

Well, you see, about a week ago I was in New Orleans to attend, and support, my good friend Dorothy Morrison’s book release for Utterly Wicked: Curses, Hexes, and Other Unsavory Notions. Now, a book release is a big deal. It is a party where the book is first rolled out and made available for purchase, usually a week or so prior to the official “street date” set by the publisher. So, Dorothy arranged for her release party to be in NOLA–in the French Quarter, in fact, at a wonderful store on Dumaine called Esoterica. Mimi, the owner, had her annual soiree in conjunction with it, that way there was a really huge party with Champagne, Caviar, and tons of other food & drink. A host of wonderful folks attended, all decked out in Witchy costumes, from downright scary to, dare I say it, sexy.

This is where the Geriatric Fetish Dominatrix Hooker comes in…

The thing is, Morrison wanted this to be a big deal (which it was) and since the title of the book is Utterly Wicked, well…ummm…Okay, let me break it down-

Morrison, as I have explained before, is OLDER THAN DIRT. I doubt I need to provide the calculation here again, but suffice it to say she is what you’d call Geriatric. So, anyway, she plans out this whole outfit for the release. Imagine if you will, Dorothy Morrison decked out as follows:

Black silk peasant blouse with lace cuffs, black satin boned corset, black leather miniskirt, black fishnet stockings, black Steve Madden boots (ostensibly named “The Sergeant” because they are patterned somewhat after combat boots- but, only in that they are made of both canvas and patent leather, and lace up in the front) with 5 inch stiletto heels, and a black hat with a lace thingamajig hanging down her back.

Yeah…Like I said… Geriatric Fetish Dominatrix Hooker. All she needed was a cat ‘o nine to complete the ensemble.

Anyway, she got herself all decked out in this getup, then pranced through the quarter, a walk spanning about 10 blocks from the St. Louis Hotel down to Mimi’s shop. Horns were honking, there were catcalls, whistles, near collisions from people craning their necks, and even a few disapproving stares from the hotel staff. (I think maybe they thought I’d been keeping a hooker in my room)

I know there are pictures because flashes were going off all night. Hopefully some will get emailed to me so I can show you this getup, because I’m not kidding.

However, geriatric or not, I have to admit that Morrison looked sharp and definitely had it going on. Hell, when she was getting ogled as we walked down the street I just couldn’t help myself- I told all of the panting guys to back off, because I had already paid her and secured her services for the evening.

More to come…

Murv