BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

“Tits!…Why… There must be 57 tits up there.”

Back in the days of vinyl record albums containing recorded concerts of such funny folk as Richard Pryor, George Carlin, and Robin Williams, there was also Steve Martin. Mister Martin is arguably one of the funniest people of the late 70’s / early 80’s, and is still insanely hilarious to this day, albeit with a different bent to his humor. In case you haven’t done the math just yet, the line about “tits” was from one of his comedy routines – quite obviously the “odd number” being the major component of the punch line.

And, of course, this brings me around to what I am really here to talk about – that being, web marketing. You see, targeted web marketing has become the big thing over the past few years. These days data aggregators look at your searches, the personal info that you’ve put out there, and everything else they can glean from your time spent on the Internet, and  then proceed to customize a barrage of ads specifically for you.

However, sometimes their aim is a bit off – as is the case with this odd number of tits on my screen. Not that there is actually an odd number of breasts, mind you. Just that it is odd that there is any number of them on my screen whatsoever. You see, some of the really major culprits where targeted web ads are concerned happens to be the sidebars of social networking sites. In the case of “Myspank” they tend to get really obnoxious. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been approving friend requests, only to have an embedded shockwave-flash video of some twenty something cutie giggling and smiling at me as she ostensibly carries on a chatroom-esque conversation with yours truly. Problem is, I can’t see what she’s supposedly saying to me… However, my also unseen replies must be pretty damned witty, because she giggles a lot and makes bedroom eyes at me. Too bad I’m old enough to be her father. If I was a hormonal twenty-something single guy, I might be flattered. If I was a hormonal teenage guy, well hell, I’d fall for it in a heartbeat. But, the fact of the matter is none of the cuties they’ve paired with my profile to date can hold a candle to E K, so it’s a moot point. (Just for the record, she didn’t make me say that… This time, anyway.)

However, lately, even though I’m listed as married, the web marketers of the Myspank platform seem to be under the impression that I am single. Either that, or they know something about my marriage that I don’t. Obviously, this is where the “tits” come in.

As you can see, thus far they have actually managed to keep the breasts to an even number. However, for fear that I might become bored with the same pair of “tits” in my face repeatedly – see, I told you they knew nothing about marriage – they have made sure they have a bevy of busty young things arching their backs through various chest thrusting, cleavage revealing, shirt stretching poses. And, all of this appears to be for the express purpose of getting me to join a service that would let me hook up with “Local Singles”.

Interesting…

I mean, what with it being targeted marketing and all, they should already know I’m married. So, if they are trying to tease me into being unfaithful, why in the hell would I care if the other party is single? Just something to consider…know what I mean?

Of course, that’s not even the half of it. Just have a look. Based on the photos they keep pushing at me, it would seem more like they were advertising doubles, not singles. Pairs, not Aces. But, I guess that’s all just a matter of semantics, eh? But, even if we follow their logic, the fact of the matter is, I don’t feel like I’m looking at “singles”… I feel like I’m looking at the public teaser images for a porn site. Either that or an advertisement for brassieres.

And, on the note of targeting the marketing… Since all manner of aggregating bots pick up all sorts of keywords and such from my blogs, text entries, and what have you on the web, it would seem they might have run across the fact that I’m not really a “boob guy” at some point. I’m thinking they’d be better off trying to tempt me with a shapely set of gams…

But hey, maybe they know what I like better than I do. Maybe “tits” will grow on me… But, let’s hope not.

Now, don’t get me wrong. All of the ladies they have paraded across my screen are perfectly lovely. And, in the endowment department they definitely aren’t lacking by any stretch of the imagination. I’m fairly certain they have a good bit of the alphabet covered.  In fact, a couple of them look to me like they would benefit from a lifetime supply of Doan’s Pills. (For the younger crowd out there, Doan’s Pills are a pain reliever that was originally marketed for backaches. They are still around these days, but they don’t seem to be advertised anywhere near as much as they were in the past.)

But, you know, the thing that gets me the most about these particular ads isn’t even their frequency – which is high. And, when I say high I mean, as in at least every other refresh, and often times even more. Nor is it the fact that undoubtedly not a single one of the ladies pictured have anything at all to do with this supposed “singles meeting service”. Nope. Even as disturbing in a sense as all that is, it’s not the real kicker.

I mean, let’s face the facts, in 5 minutes on “Myspank” I end up seeing more “tits” than if I spent all afternoon with a copy of “Big Busted Babes,” “Melons On Parade,” or some other breast-centric porn magazine, so in reality it gets to be just a bit numbing to the senses.

So, nope, none of the above… The thing that stands out – pun not intended – is the fact that if I don’t click on the ad, which by the way, I never have, they get pushy about it. And, by pushy I don’t mean they show me a model in a push-up bra. They’ve already been doing that, in some cases anyway. Nope, you see, what they do is go out of their way to draw extra attention to the “tits” in question. How? By writing on them, of course. These poor women suddenly become living Goodyear blimps… (I say blimps, and not just blimp, because there are two, and well, you get the idea…)

Anyway, the marketing geniuses seem to believe that I will somehow get a vicarious thrill by placing the mouse pointer over the two dimensional “tits” and watching it turn into a hand. I suppose if I was a little perverted… Well… Wait… Actually I am a little perverted… In a good way though… But, that’s beside the point… If I was into the whole “boob thing” and I was also just a little off kilter in the braincase… Or a little desperate, I suppose… I guess maybe I could get all excited about moving that virtual hand around a bit before clicking on a strategic location or two. My guess is, that’s exactly what they are going for. Maybe I should do a poll of the 18 to 24 year old males with pages on “Myspank”. I bet they could tell me…

You know, if they are going to all this trouble to get my attention, I almost have to wonder what they are showing the women users when they log on?  And, do they tailor to sexual orientation? I mean, come on… I have lesbian friends who would probably like to see what I’m being targeted with… And, I have gay friends who I suspect would rather see what’s being dished out to the women, if it is in fact what I think it might be.

See, now, in my mind that would be targeted marketing.

Finally, on the note of what the ladies are being shown. Truth is, I have no idea. But, if I had to speculate, I figure they are probably seeing some buff guy with a Kielbasa stuffed into his pants… Or maybe a parsnip if the model happens to be a vegan. Of course, I suppose it could just be a pair of socks or some such. But, I really don’t think I have any desire to go looking for a picture in order to figure it out. I’ll let you do that yourself.

In any event, I guess something like that would explain why E K suddenly started spending so much time on “Myspank” as of late…

More to come…

Murv

Got your attention, didn’t I?

Well, don’t start covering your eyes just yet. There’s a good story behind that selection for the title. But then, there always is, isn’t there?

So, I think we have pretty well established that I had myself a haircut. If anyone is just now coming into this and doesn’t know about it, go back a few entries and look at the pictures.  Better yet, just click here – Murv Makeover. I had the 20 year ponytail lopped off and a new “do” sculpted atop the braincase. Rumor has it I look younger. Don’t know if that’s true, but what the hell, I’ll take it…

Now, if you’ve been a regular reader of Brainpan Leakage, and I’m talking even way back to the original Myspace Blog Platform days, then you are also familiar with my views on art. If not, read about it here – Murv’s Views On Art.

Okay, all caught up? Good.

So, by now I am sure you are wondering what my curmudgeonly views on art and a haircut have to do with one another. Why do I say that? Because it seems y’all wonder an awful lot whenever I tell a story. Wonder why that is?

Okay, okay… I’ll get on with it. I have a friend – quit snickering… I actually have several friends believe it or not… So, anyway, I have a good friend who is an artist. No, not the guy who does bookcovers. A different person. A girl person. Someone I went to high school with, in fact.

Every now and then I get an email from Celeste telling me that she has a piece or two in an art show, or that she has a showing at a coffee house, or something like that. Now, Celeste actually does art I can appreciate, unlike that which I ramble about in the above linked blog entry. Unfortunately, as life and timing would have it, every time I hear from her about a show, it is falling on a day when I will be in West-Whatchamacallit doing a signing, therefore I never seem to be able to attend. Because of this, I haven’t actually seen Celeste in a couple of years.

Fast forward to this past Friday night. I had received a note from my friend that she had a piece in an art show at the gallery over at Meramec College. I checked my schedule and voila, I was going to be in town. So, E K, the offspring and I decided we would go to the gallery and surprise Celeste.

We arrived and wandered around, looking at various pieces of sculpture, paintings, and all manner of stuff. I kept searching through the crowd for my friend. Eventually, I spotted her across the gallery. Telling E K, I skirted around the folks and made my way over to where Celeste was standing. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, she turned and was walking away right about the time I arrived on her side of the room.

So, what did I do? Well, since there were hushed conversations going on all around me and the atmosphere seemed a bit libarary-ish, I reached out and poked her right in the back of the neck with my index finger before she could get away. Of course, she immediately turned to see what, or who, had touched her.

This is where the haircut comes in. Remember, Celeste hadn’t seen me for a couple of years, and she doesn’t really follow my blog.

My friend started out with a curious look on her face, as one would expect. This quickly morphed into a furrowed brow, which was even more rapidly replaced by a scowl and glare.

Yeah, she was standing there staring at me with an if looks could kill expression that said in no uncertain terms, “Who the hell are you and why the fuck did you touch me you pervert?!”

It took better than 5 seconds – maybe even ten – before the scowl disappeared and recognition spread over her face as she yelped, “Murv!” and gave me a hug. Good thing too, because I starting to think she was going to hit me.

I guess the moral of the story here is, don’t get your hair cut then go around arbitrarily touching people, no matter how long you’ve been friends.

Still… It was priceless. I really wish I’d had a camera.

More to come…

Murv