BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Mandy looked over at me and said, “Merrrba… gimmin suey sass.”

I nodded and replied, “Shooba. Yooben neeb hat pemmer doo?”

Everyone else around the table just stared. Well, almost everyone. Some of them were slumped over in their chairs, or pitched forward with their faces in their plates. The Evil Redhead was among them. In fact, she had been the first to go after staring off into space for several minutes.

I readjusted my chopsticks – all eleven of them, or so it appeared to me – in my hand, then chased a hunk of steak around my plate, batting it from one side, then over to the other and back again. Finally I just gave up, stabbed it with one of the plastic sticks, then spent another three minutes trying to hit my mouth.

“Nom thiggen…” I muttered, waving the now empty, imitation ivory stick at the watery sauce on my plate.

“Ahm nobissed…” Mandy said with a nod

I stared at the sauce for a minute then asked, “Wunner by?”

Mandy didn’t answer me this time. She had already fallen out of her chair as she passed out and plopped onto the floor.

Okay, so I guess maybe I should rewind a few frames… Maybe even more than a few.

You see, we used to have an almost weekly get together with a group of friends, generally on a Friday or Saturday evening. We’d pick a “theme” for a meal, even if it was just potluck, and then cook together, eat together, and just generally hang out together. On this particular evening, as evidenced by the chopsticks in use, the theme was “Asian-American” food.

Now, I have to admit something here… I haven’t been entirely honest with you in the past. The truth is, in all of the blogs where I have pointed out that the Evil Redhead requires strict supervision in the kitchen, and would starve if there wasn’t something on hand to subject to the timed bursts of a microwave’s magnetron, I’ve been making it sound worse than it is.

The Tuna Helper incident notwithstanding…

So, it’s time I come clean: The Evil One prepares the best damn stir fry I have ever put in my mouth. Seriously. No kidding. Beats the holy hell out of Happy China Buffet, La Choy, Mandarin House, ad infinitum. You name an Asian-American restaurant out there and E K will whomp ’em good with her wooden spatulas and Wok.

Except that one time… And, as you are sure to have surmised, that one time is what this blog is all about… And, to be perfectly honest, it wasn’t ALL her fault. She just started the rice ball rolling, so to speak.

(Oh, and just so we are all on the same page – Yes, I know Sake is spelled Sake, not Sockee…)

The evening started out like any other weekly dinner gathering evening. Mandy and I were in the kitchen taking a backseat sous chef role to the Evil Redhead who was in charge of the meal, obviously due to her prowess with a wok. The rest of the crew were enjoying some before dinner drinks and wandering in and out of the kitchen to chat with us. As usual, we were having a before dinner drink or two ourselves.

Herein lies the problem – by this point in our marriage E K was already out of practice on her drinking AND she was imbibing on an empty stomach. Therefore, about halfway through preparation of one of the stir fry dishes, she crashed. Not hard, but she announced in no uncertain terms that she needed to sit down. This meant Mandy and I had to step up to the plate.

No biggie. I can cook, we all know that. Should be easy like pie… I mean, E K had the recipe sitting right out there on the counter, and several other folks were more than happy to roll up their sleeves and pitch in as well, lest E K beat them for not helping out. You know how she is…

Can you see where this is going yet? If not, keep reading… If so, still keep reading…

I jumped to the stove and took over the spatulas. One stir fry dish was already done, and Mandy was working on a batch of fried rice.

“Where did you leave off, Legs?” I asked my almost catatonic wife.

“Soggy,” she mumbled.

“Soggy?”

“Uhmmm-hmmm,” she said with a nod. “Sohhhggggeeeee.”

I ran down the list on the recipe and suddenly it made sense. Sake. Okay, all good. There was a bottle of it right there on the counter, so I tossed the sizzling meat around the wok then added the shot of sake called for on the ingredients. Back to the table I went to finish chopping the veggies.

“Do you want me to watch this?” Mandy called out.

I answered over my shoulder as the knife in my hand beat out a rhythm against the cutting board. “Yeah. I’ll be done here in just a second.”

“Where did you leave off?” she asked.

“Sake,” I told her.

“Okay.”

A few moments later I was tossing the veggies into the wok. However, instead of finding Mandy at the stove, one of our other friends was standing there, spatula in hand, looking somewhat lost.

“Where’s Mandy?” I asked.

“She had to use the bathroom. She asked me to watch the stove.”

“All good, I’ll take over now.”

“Thanks.”

E K mumbled something from behind, “Saaahhhhgggeeee.”

“What?” I asked, then looked at the recipe. “Oh yeah, Sake.”

I added a shot of Sake.

I could go on, as it didn’t end there, but I suspect you are all with me now if you weren’t already. Yep… When we compared notes the next day – post hangover, of course – we discovered that a recipe calling for 1 shot of sake had received something on the order of a half bottle of the rice booze and nowhere near enough stove top time to evaporate the alcohol – just enough to get it nice and warm…

Of course, it all worked out for the best. We all ended up drunk from the meal, so we had plenty of our other booze left over for the next dinner party…

More to come…

Murv

Yeah, okay, so it’s not exactly frightful just yet, but it is well on its way to being just that. However, here in Saint Louis it has been chilly, a bit damp, and all around blustery. And, when the temperatures fall, the wind blows, and cold water falls out of the sky, it is time for certain comfort foods to make it all bearable. As I’ve outlined in previous blogs, the kitchen in our home is my purview and the responsibility of putting said comfort foods on the table falls squarely upon me.

Of course, you all know that task comes with an added twist – I also have to make sure that the comfort food meets with Her Grand Exalted Highness Evil Kat’s expectations, lest I be chained up in the basement and ruthlessly tortured with garden tools and the like.

Fortunately for me, there are a few comfort foods that actually make the evil redhead almost crack a smile. Not quite, but almost.

I’ve discovered her favorites through trial and error – sometimes more error than trial, because E K doesn’t give you an opportunity to defend yourself. She just punishes you until you get it right, so I still have a few scars. But, these days I usually get beat for something besides my cooking.

So, in case you have an Evil Redhead, Wicked Blonde, or Badass Brunette you need to please, or if you are just looking for some quick – or sometimes not so quick – recipes for comfort foods to drive the cold winter away, I might be able to help. Yeah… Just for fun I thought maybe I’d share a few of E Kay’s faves with you over the course of the next couple of months.

And, just because I can – and because it’s been chilly – I’m going to start with one of the tops on her list, that being, of course, Chili.

Now, before I get into the recipe proper I need to clarify a couple of things:

1. Chili purists will tell you this isn’t really chili because it has beans in it. E K will not consume chili that does not have beans in it. I am not about to argue with her about that, as I value my life too much. Besides, the basement is cold, damp, and no one can hear you scream, except E K…
2. My good buddy Dorothy Morrison will tell you this isn’t really chili because it has BLACK beans and corn in it. To this day I have no clue what black beans and corn did to get on her bad side, but let me tell you – don’t ever, and I mean ever, mention black beans and corn  in the same sentence around her. Same thing goes for sun dried tomatoes. The resulting rant is well… just plain scary. 😉
3. Finally, I am going out on a limb and making the assumption that if you try this at home you already know your way around the kitchen so I’m not going to teach you how to cook here, just give you a recipe.

So, on with said recipe…

Chili E Kay’s Way

A Midwestern Style Chili To Soothe An Evil Redhead

(Prep time: 10 min – Cooking time: 20 min – Serves 4 to 6)

Ingredients:

1 lb Ground Turkey (Can use Ground Beef if desired)

3/4 Cup Frozen Yellow Corn Kernels

1 Can (14.5 oz) Diced Tomatoes

2 Cans (14.5 oz each) Black Beans, Drained

1 Large Yellow Onion, Chopped (Coarse or Fine, your preference)

2 Tbsps Finely Chopped Jalapeño Pepper

4 Tbsps Finely Chopped Pickled Sweet Banana Peppers

3 Tbsp Vinegar (From Sweet Pickled Peppers)

Seasoning:

1 1/2 Tbsp Chili Powder

1 Tbsp Paprika

2 tsp Cumin

1 Tbsp Raw Sugar (AKA Turbinado Sugar)

1 1/2 tsp Ground Cinnamon

1 Tbsp Ground Banana Pepper Flakes

1 Tbsp Ground Mild Chili Pepper Flakes

Preparation:

Personally, I prepare this dish in a large, stainless steel skillet, but then I do quite a bit of my cooking in a skillet – be it stainless steel, cast iron, Calphalon, or Chantal, as I have all of the above.

Start by combining all of the seasonings in a small bowl and mixing them well – set aside. Then, chop the peppers and onions and generally do your prep work, of course.

Begin the E Kay’s Chili by browning the ground turkey. If you elect to use ground beef instead, after browning drain the grease before continuing. Once the meat is browned, reduce heat then add all of the chopped peppers and onions. Sweat peppers and onions with browned meat until slightly translucent, raise heat and add vinegar. This will allow you to deglaze the pan. Add the spice mixture set aside earlier and mix throughout. Add frozen corn kernels and canned tomatoes (with liquid) and stir together. Reduce heat and simmer 5 to 10 minutes. Add drained black beans and mix well. Simmer until beans are heated through.

Serve hot with shredded cheese (Colby-Jack is E Kay’s preference) and a dollop of sour cream.

Some points of note – I transfer the finished chili into a casserole dish when it is done in order to make it easier to serve.

You will also notice that there really isn’t much fire behind this chili – that’s pretty much because E K is as hot as it gets so she doesn’t need any more heat. However, if you are like me you might want to spice it up a bit. I embellish mine “in the bowl” with added Jalapeño Peppers and some of my homemade hot salsa. If I’m really in the mood for hot (other than E K, of course) I’ll toss a little ground Habanero in there too. You can certainly increase the “heat” skillet side for the whole batch should you so desire.

Finally, the ground mild chili pepper flakes and ground sweet banana pepper flakes could be a minor issue for some of you, as in having them on hand. I garden, and have friends who garden, so I tend to dry and grind such items myself. However, you can easily find the above dried peppers in the ethnic foods section of your local grocery store, and a quick spin in a coffee grinder – everyone has a coffee grinder specifically for their spices, correct? – will render them to the state required. Just be warned, they are usually sold in large packages, and while not very expensive, you will end up with quite a few dried peppers on hand.

And there you have it… Chili E Kay’s Way. I even came up with a catchy slogan in case I ever want to market it…

“It’s good to eat, and you won’t get beat…”

More to come…

Murv