BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

…With thanks to Thomas Dolby for the snippet of song lyric which titles this entry. Actually, this all happened yesterday, but I warned y’all I’d probably be too tired to post my travel-blog until this morning, so there!

But, let’s get down to business – Yes, I flew north in order to go south east. I know, doesn’t make sense to me either, but like I said before, there was no way to get to Wayne, NE from St. Louis. It was one of those “can’t get there from here” situations, and that included the reverse trip as well.

At any rate, the following is a chronicle of my trip home, after Ron (the Wayne State College SF Club Faculty Advisor and one hell of a great guy) dropped me off at the airport.

@mrsellars – Time to get my FLY SUX t-shirt. [browse…browse] [go to counter with t-shirt in hand]

@SUX_Cashier – Gonna buy a t-shirt?

@mrsellars – No, I just figured I’d carry it around the store for a while.

@SUX_Cashier – o_o

@mrsellars – It’s a joke. I’ll take two of these FLY SUX pilot’s wings pins too.

@SUX_Cashier – Really want that stuff, huh?

@mrsellars – Absolutely. It’s a moral imperative.

@SUX_Security_Guard – At least you have morals.

@mrsellars – Oh yeah. But of course, I didn’t say they were good morals.

@SUX_Security_Guard – O_o

@SUX_Cashier – O_o

@Egg_Beater_Express – [Arriving at Gate 2] Pttthpppbtt…  whirrr…. pthbbbhhhtttttt… skreee… whirrr… Spit… Koff… Koff… Sputter… Klunk… Pop!

@mrsellars – O_o

@mrsellars – Oh yeah… This should be fun.

@mrsellars – Wonders how they are going to fit all of the 4000 Asian individuals milling around the terminal onto that single plane.

[Boarding time]

@Gate_2 – [half dozen Asian passengers board plane] [remaining 3994 Asian folks wave from other side of TSA security checkpoint.]

@mrsellars – Now that’s a big family… O_o

@Egg_Beater_Flight_Attendant – Welcome aboard, don’tchaknow, Yah… We’re all goin to Manny-Sowda dere, all righty. Okey-dokey… Let’s all go ice fishin’ when we get dere… okey-dokey? Yah, don’tchaknow…

@mrsellars – Shoot me now…

@Egg_Beater_Flight_Attendant – Somethin’ to drink dere?

@mrsellars – Coffee?

@Egg_Beater_Flight_Attendant – Oh yah, I got some Kah-Fee dere. Yah want anything in it dere?

@mrsellars – Not unless it’s really bad coffee.

@Egg_Beater_Flight_Attendant – Ohhhh, I heard all about you dere, don’tcha know… You just fasten up your seatbelt dere mister…

@Egg_Beater_Express – Ptthhbbbppptptt… Pthbbt… Whirr… Whocka… Thumpa… Pthbbbttttt…

@mrsellars – O_o

@mrsellars – How in the hell can it be so far from Gate A3 to B1?

@MN-SP_Airport – Arrive Gate A3… Connection Gate B1… No, B3… Wait… Okay, B8… B8, yah, that’s it dere don’tchaknow… Stay at B8 dere… Yah… All good dere… Yah, go get noms… We’ll be right here when you get back don’tchaknow…

@mrsellars – [Goes for noms]

@mrsellars – Same employees at Quiznos. Still moving in slow motion. Caribou coffee again.

@mrsellars – [returns from getting noms]

@MN-SP_Airport – PSYCHE! Connection now at B14…

@mrsellars – O_o

@mrsellars – Consumed another not so stellar wrap – Honey Mustard chicken this time. Plenty of lettuce ribs from trash included… Mmmm-mmm-mmm, good fiber. More blue green algae. Total cost of $2 wrap and $1 drink, $12.35…

@mrsellars – Price discrepancy due to purchasing coffee at Caribou Coffee as well. Not in the mood for pencil shavings today. Plus, if tasting E Kay’s stockings would prefer she be present (See: We’re Off To See The Blizzard…)

@mrsellars – Still not telling…

@Young_Hottie_Passenger – [Waving at man walking past gate] Hey! Old Guy!!

@Old_Guy_Passenger – [Stops] Hey… How are you?

@Old_Guy’s_Wife – Are you flirting with women AGAIN!!!

@mrsellars – Hmmm… Impending catfight?

@Young_Hottie_Passenger – But… But… I just sat next to him on the plane…

@Old_Guy’s_Wife – Oh yeah, Beeyotch!!

@mrsellars – @other_passenger – Gimme $50 on the old chick.

@Flight_Attendant – Sir, can I ask you to move so that this family can sit together.

@mrsellars – Sure.

@mrsellars – [move move move]

@Old_Asian_Guy_Across_Aisle – [Looks] [points] [elbows wife] [points] [both proceed to jabber to one another while pointing and staring]

@mrsellars – Hmmmm… Apparently Asian Minnesotans have never seen a guy in shorts either.

@STL_Lambert_Airport – Your luggage will be at M6… No wait… M3…. No… M4… PSYCHE! M6…

@mrsellars – O_o

Arrive Passenger Pickup Area

@EK – Dammit, you made the flight… I thought I told you to go for a walk in that blizzard?

@mrsellars – I did.

@EK – And you found your way back?

@mrsellars – Yeah.

@EK – Dammit.

@mrsellars – @EK – You’re looking exceptionally pretty today.

@EK – Of course I am.

@Offspring – Psshbbbbppttt! Daaahhhhddddyyyy… It’s just because you haven’t seen her for a few days.

@EK – O_o

@mrsellars – O_o

Finally Home

@EK – I read your blogs.

@mrsellars – Okay.

@EK – I know about the other cow.

@mrsellars – Yeah.

@EK – Did you get me any steaks?

@mrsellars – Nope. Locals beat me to it again.

@EK – Stay right here. I’m going to go get something to beat you with.

@mrsellars – Yes ma’am.

And so ends the odyssey… Well, not completely. I have some film to drop off, and I already have a few of the digital pix courtesy of Ron. I’ll be throwing together a retrospective via my newsletter in the next few days.

Thanks again to everyone at WillyCon and Wayne State College for letting me be a part of their convention. I had a blast. Oh, and now I can say I’ve weathered a minor blizzard too.

More to come…

Murv

If you follow me on Twitter, you already know that sometime early Thursday morning 4/2, I lamented the fact that according to the national weather service, a blizzard is supposed to hit Wayne, NE this weekend. Why would I worry about a blizzard in Wayne, NE? Well, because as I write this I am sitting on the floor outside my gate at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport, on my way to Wayne… Now, I won’t be able to actually post this until I arrive at my destination (via Sioux City, IA BTW – Airport code SUX… yeah, no kidding.) I can’t post this yet because it seems that airports have done away with free wi-fi and are now charging 8 bucks for a couple of hours. I don’t need it that bad… What I need is a Crackberry….

Either way, I had intended to tweet along, letting y’all know what was going on as I embarked on this odyssey to be Guest of Honor at WillyCon XI, the Wayne State College SF/Fantasy convention. However, I have obviously been thwarted in that respect.

So…This first leg of my journey will be compressed here as a randomly entered journal of pseudo tweets… My personal hashtag for this will be #fuckme… I will also be adding psuedo tweets from others who had a direct influence on my trip, but didn’t even know they were tweeting:

@mrsellars – Fuck me. Lambert airport is charging for Wi-Fi. No tweets till I make it to Minneapolis.

@mrsellars – Why is the turbine on the left engine going whocka-whocka-whocka-thumpa-whap?

@mrsellars – How many hamsters does it take to make that turbine turn so fast?

@flight_attendant – We use guinea pigs on this plane.

@mrsellars – Okay, I’ll bite. How many guinea pigs?

@flight_attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.

@flight_attendant_#2 – Wah wah wah, nah wahm nah wah…nom.

@mrsellars – Damn… She sounds like the adults on a Charlie Brown cartoon.

@flight_attendant – Coffee?

@mrsellars – Yes, please.

@mrsellars – Roller coaster turbulence over Iowa. My theory? Rising gases from a cloud of cow farts.

@mrsellars – May I have some more coffee?

@flight_attendant – I think you’ve had quite enough sir.

@mrsellars – On ground in Minneapolis. Texted E K. Now sitting and waiting for gate to be free.

@mrsellars – Damn! The universe apparently knows I missed my morning walk. Arrived gate F12 – connection at gate A11. Walkies!

@mrsellars – Still 3 hours before I can board egg beater express bound for Sioux City. ½ cup of Fiber One at 6AM now wearing off. Need food.

@mrsellars – Nothing here. Food court ½ mile back the way I came. Walkies!

@mrsellars – Quizno’s line around block. Employees moving in slow motion. Stomach not happy.

@mrsellars – Caribou coffee across the way. Going there.

@mrsellars – Consumed not so stellar 2 dollar roast turkey wrap with 1 dollar 11 oz beverage that had blue green algae in it. Total cost $11.05.

@mrsellars – Floor show during lunch. Captain Important paced back and forth in front of me yelling into his bluetooth headset. Impressive.

@mrsellars – Walkies! Now back at gate. No seats available. Crap. I’ll sit over here on the floor.

@mrsellars – Okay. Now I’ll tweet for a bit.

@mrsellars – FUCK ME! Minneapolis charges for Wi-Fi too!

@mrsellars – Fuggit. I’ll write it on word and post it as a blog later.

@mrsellars – Damn! How far up do her legs go? Interesting view from down here on the floor.

@mrsellars – Shit (or :poopie: for the Bitten by Books chatroom crowd.) My foot fell asleep.

@mrsellars – Aha! People going to Ohio are boarding. Now’s my chance for a seat in the waiting area.

@mrsellars – Missing my desk chair. It’s a hell of a lot more comfortable than this one.

@Gate_Attendant – Sir… Sir! Are you on this flight to Ohio?

@mrsellars – no ma’am.

@Gate_Attendant – Are you sure?

@mrsellars – Well, no, I don’t guess I am. I just told your ticket agent to give me a boarding pass for a random flight. Maybe I should look.

@Gate_Attendant – Why are you wearing shorts? It’s 30 degrees outside.

@mrsellars – It’s complicated. You see, I have a condition.

@Blond_Gate_Agent – Yah…Yah…I doo, don’tcha know…Yah…

@Original_Gate_Agent – Yah, yah… I doo too, yah’know… Yew betcha…

@mrsellars – Yep. I’m definitely in Minnesota.

@mrsellars – Holy crap… I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much “A Prairie Home Companion” hair all in one place my entire life.

@mrsellars – I didn’t even know they could still do those hairstyles. I wonder how many curlers they used on that one…

@mrsellars – They just started up one of the egg beaters. I can still identify individual blades on the prop even though the engine is screaming like a banshee.

@mrsellars – Wait… I can see the pilot through the windscreen…

@mrsellars – Reading the pilot’s lips – I think I can, I think I can…

@mrsellars – Might need to go back for coffee. Another ½ mile. Getting workout today.

@mrsellars – I haz a headache. Battery on notebook running low. Might need to find an outlet.

@mrsellars – Went about ¼ mile. Came across machine that sells coffee for a dollar. Decided to give it a try.

@mrsellars – Punched in 1 F 3 for what was supposed to be a Butterfinger Latte.

@mrsellars – Got 6 F 6 instead – year old pencil shavings strained through one of E Kay’s stockings with lukewarm water and a hint of rancid honey.

@mrsellars – Don’t ask me how I know what E Kay’s stockings taste like. I won’t tell you.

@mrsellars – How far is it from F12 to A11?

@Another_Gate_Agent – A little over two miles.

@mrsellars – Srsly?

@Another_Gate_Agent – Yah.

@mrsellars – Yep. Got my exercise.

@cellphone – Boopee Doopee Doopee Dooooo Ahhhh Boopee…

@mrsellars – Hello?

@EK – Hi.

[Rest of conversation censored due to graphic depictions of @mrsellars imagination along with sappy woodja-woodja lovey stuff…]

@mrsellars – Still have headache. Took aspirin. Noticed that people in Minnesota have apparently never seen a man wearing shorts before.

@mrsellars – Another hour plus left before the egg beater express flits me off to Sioux City. Hear they have Fly SUX T-shirts for sale. MUST have one…

@mrsellars – Srsly. It’s a moral imperative.

@mrsellars – Gate change. Oh joy… Not.

@mrsellars – Apparently Minnesotans are also AFRAID to SPEAK to a man wearing shorts.

@mrsellars – Thought I just saw Maurice Minnifield from Northern Exposure…

@mrsellars – No, not the actor. The REAL Maurice Minnifield…

@mrsellars – Damn! Rest of the passengers caught on to the gate change, and followed me over here. So much for a peaceful flight.

@mrsellars – Imagining E K wearing [CENSORED]

@mrsellars – {Bored Sigh}

@mrsellars – Wondering if @PaulCooked ever got that badger off his head…

@mrsellars – Pretty sure I just saw Kenny Rogers working on the ground crew. Must be paying off “Gambler” debts. (Ha! I kill me!)

@mrsellars – Guy with HUGE ASS headphones staring at me. Kinda freaky.

@mrsellars – Egg beater express got upgraded. Now flying on Estes model rocket. Hope the nose cone doesn’t suddenly fall off. Don’t wanna land using a plastic parachute.

@passenger – I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

@mrsellars – Okay, but the flight is only half full and the flight attendant said sit anywhere you want.

@passenger – My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

@mrsellars – Are you just dying to sit next to me or something?

@passenger – But… But… My ticket says I’m supposed to sit in that seat next to you.

@mrsellars – Okay, “Sheldon”, how about if I move and let you have that seat.

@passenger – But, but… Doesn’t your ticket say you are supposed to sit here?

@mrsellars – No, “Sheldon”… My ticket says general seating. It’ll be okay…

@Flight_Attendant – Coffee?

@mrsellars – Yes, please.

@Flight_Attendant – Cream and sugar?

@mrsellars – Is the coffee really THAT bad?

@Flight_Attendant – Fasten your seatbelt sir.

And, now I’m here, and life is getting back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be for an old guy on a college campus, anyway…

More to come…

Murv