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29th Mar 09
M. R. SellarsIn general, whenever I mention Satan, I am referring to one particular petite, redheaded woman in stiletto heels, who is packing an evil attitude and looking for someone to abuse. Yes, you guessed it, E K. (Yeah… I know… It’s not like it was hard to figure out.)
In point of fact, I would venture to say that 90% of the time the word Satan even comes out of my mouth, or off the end of my fingers for that matter, it is because I am talking about The Evil One to whom I belong. Why? That’s easy. Because she is also sometimes affectionately, and jokingly, (or, depending on your perspective, fearfully,) known as, “Satan In High Heels.”
Believe me, there’s a damn good reason for that insidious sounding title to be bestowed upon her. To put it simply, she really can sprout horns. And, when she does, there’s no saving the poor bastard who was stupid enough to metaphorically pour water on her head and make them grow.
I know it sounds far-fetched, but it’s true. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Hell, (pun fully intended,) I’ve even been gored by those horns when I wasn’t even the idiot who set her off. Yeah… I’ve been the collateral damage.
Don’t you feel sorry for me?
But, it isn’t just me who has seen it. There are others who have witnessed her true and inherent evilness, but since they are usually her victims, there really isn’t much left of most of them, which is probably fortunate… For them…
As to the survivors… Well, there are only a scant few of them, and even those who aren’t totally catatonic and drooling on themselves are locked away in a mental ward somewhere. The even fewer who still have some semblance of their faculties remaining, simply refuse to talk about it. It’s too traumatizing to relive, even in mere words. At least, that is the excuse they and their shrinks usually spout. I only know of one poor soul, besides me that is, who ever dares to say anything about it. Unfortunately, you cannot make much sense of what he says. He merely sits in a corner, rocking endlessly, and keeps muttering, “But, but, I said unicorn.”
I have no clue what that means.
If you ask me, I think they’re all just “piss in their pants” afraid of her… Of course, I can’t say as that I blame them. I mean, she looks so innocent one minute, and then the next there are those horns poking out of her skull and she’s slipping into a pair of those pitchfork heeled stilettos, just like the one on the cover of The Devil Wears Prada… And the thing is, if you see the horns… Well… Let’s just say you should have left sooner because it’s all over but the funeral.
But, we really should move on, because E K isn’t actually the subject of this post… Well, actually she kinda is. Sort of. Eventually. But we have to talk about something else first.
So, back to the whole other Satan thing. While we’ve established that Evil Kat takes up 90% of my “Evil Fallen Angel Quotient,” the other 10% of the time usually involves me rebuffing an accusation about spiritual beliefs by offering a clear explanation of alternative religious paths. Up to and including Satanism itself. Or, in other instances, I am engaged in a rousing conversation about Biblical Prophecy… That last bit always makes for a good time around the dinner table…
Obviously, since I stopped chasing that earlier random chicken, this particular missive about Satan falls into that 10% category. Although, it really has nothing to do with either explanations or prophecy…
You see, like it says in the title, somehow, Satan got behind me…
Well… That’s not quite accurate. The truth is, Satan did NOT actually get behind me.
Satan did, however, somehow manage to obtain my email address.
Yeah… No kidding.
Imagine my surprise when I checked my email, only to find a note from The Dark Prince himself. The Devil. Beelzebub. The Evil One (The other “The Evil One“, not E K). Lucifer. Old Nick. The guy in the suit from “Reaper“… John Glover from “Brimstone“…
Well, I have to say that I don’t think I am the only one who would feel compelled to open such an email. I mean, after all, that’s what Satan is all about, right? Tempting the weak… The strong… The faithless… The faithful… Rhesus monkeys…
Okay, so maybe not rhesus monkeys, but you get my point. The thing is, not only was a I tempted, but I gave in to the temptation. Yes. I opened the email. I mean, after all, I’m running some seriously high-end anti-virus software here, so if it had a Trojan or something, bells, whistles, and other flashy things would have already been going. I was safe from that sort of mischief from hell. All I really needed to worry about was an Apple, especially what with me being a PC guy and all.
Well, no Trojan or virus was to be had. And, I was even safe from Apples. Much to my surprise, however, this is what I saw:
A message for an online singles dating type social network from the bowels of Hell. (Please note that I purposely blotted out the URL in the screen capture. I mean, after all, I’m not about to give Lucifer any free advertising. If he wants me to spread the word about his singles club, he’s going to have to cough up some cash.)
But, here’s the thing that gets me. Apparently Beelzebub just isn’t satisfied with anything these days. Why in the world would he send me, of all people, an invite to his dating service? Unless, of course, he’s getting soft in his old age and is feeling sorry for me.
I mean, after all, I’ve been married to his sister for better than 22 years, and she’s a damn sight more evil than he could ever be… (See, I told you we’d get back to the evil redhead…)
… Now, however, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go hide. E K was reading over my shoulder as I was typing this, but she disappeared a few minutes ago. Now, suddenly I’m smelling sulfur, and I’m pretty sure I just heard the distinct sound of a pair of pitchforky high-heels gouging the floor.
And they sound like they’re coming closer with each step…
More to come…
(Maybe…)
Murv
* “Devil Woman Image” courtesy On The Edge Graphics © 2009. Used with permission.
