BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

There are certain rules around our house…

I will meet E K at the door with her drink…

I will have dinner on the table no later than 30 minutes after E K arrives home…

I will spit shine all of EKay’s shoes on a daily basis…

I will do whatever E K tells me to do…

Sense a pattern there? Yeah, me too.  But the consequences for non-compliance with said rules are pretty harsh, so I just live with them. There are some other rules, of course. Most of them involve something I have to do in order to please The Evil One and keep her from taking me downstairs into her “play room” – which reminds me, I’m supposed to hose it down today after I drop her Stryker Saw off at the shop. I just hope she didn’t leave anyone down there. The trash truck doesn’t run for another couple of days yet…

There is, however, a rule that doesn’t directly involve E K… Well, sorta… I mean, the results of the rule compliance directly involve E K – as well as allow me to comply with the other rules of the house… But the actual rule is more along the line of – The Kitchen is MY domain, leave my stuff alone.

Surprisingly, E K generally works within the boundaries of that rule. Largely, I think, because she hates to cook, but likes to eat.

Because of this, it was a great surprise to me when I walked around the corner the other night and found her torturing a houseplant. I know, I know… Whiplash moment there, but trust me, there’s a connection. She was torturing the houseplant with one of my kitchen knives.

You see, we have this yucca plant… We’ve had this plant for something on the order of forever. Seriously. I’m pretty sure we had it when we moved into together. It has been through some serious trials and tribulations – namely countless plant chewing felines. During the summer it lives on our front porch, soaking up the sunshine and Saint Louis humidity, mostly safe from cats with plant fetishes. During that period of months the yucca goes crazy, sort of like it is making up for the rest of the year when it’s in fear for its life. By the time Autumn rolls around, and the first frost is upon us, the yucca looks a little… well… yucky.

And so, the temperature was forecast to plummet the other night, and plummet it did. Before it fell too far though, E K, in all her regalness, invoked her prime directive – that being the rule saying I have to do whatever she says.

“Lackey!” she demanded. “Go bring in the plants.”

Little did I know that in rescuing the yucky yucca from the cold, I was merely delivering it into the hands of a deranged redhead with a topiary affliction. Unfortunately for both of us – the plant and me – she didn’t have her pruning shears handy, so she headed straight for the knife block on the kitchen counter.

Of course, I suppose I should look upon the incident as an opportunity, because I learned something that evening.  Never mention the rules to an evil redhead who is holding a large, serrated bread knife in one hand and the hacked up limb of a defenseless yucca plant in the other.

We have a Ficus too, but it’s a little tougher than the Yucca. I think while she’s at work I’ll go hide my electric knives, otherwise they might end up dulled and it’ll be a little tough carving the turkey at Thanksgiving this year.

More to come…

Murv

What is it with Pumpkin Pie recipes? Do any of you know?

I’ve been cooking ever since I could drag a chair up to the stove, and while I’m not Iron Chef material, I know my way around a kitchen – residential and commercial. And, due to my background with a skillet, I usually end up doing quit a bit of cooking around the holidays.

When Turkey Day rolls around, I do get a slight bit of a rest every other year, as the family gathers locally and the cooking is divided up between a few of us. The other years I do the whole spread myself… But, no matter which year, odd or even, there is always the ubiquitous Pumpkin Pie.

I happen to love Pumpkin Pie. EK and the O-spring, not so much. No biggie, that just leaves more for me… Not that my lard a$$ needs it, but what the hell… It’s the holidays and if you can’t enjoy yourself, why even bother, right?

But, here is the big mystery – for as long as I have been clanging pots and pans in a kitchen, I have yet to discover a recipe for pumpkin pie that creates anything less than two pies. And, if you try to halve it, the damn thing doesn’t set up properly.

I’d assume it’s a conspiracy on behalf of Libby’s and all of the other canned pumpkin folks out there, but this even happens with fresh pumpkin…

So, there you go… Just one of those odd things I end up thinking about this time of year… Scary, eh?

More to come…

Murv