BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

… Continued from: I Cannot Tell A Lie…

I can still hear all of you grumbling about the way the last entry ended. Well, what did you expect? You should know me by now.

So, anyway, toss the bones, pull out the wet naps, and clean yourselves up. It’s time to continue the story. BTW, just put the bucket in the fridge. I like cold fried chicken and I’m going to need something for breakfast tomorrow.

Now, back to the Tupperware.

You see, E K is probably the least gullible person on the face of the planet. Really. I have noted before that it takes an entire covert task force, the involvement of major governments, and a whole fleet of black helicopters to even make a dent in her stoic armor. And, even with all of the above brought to bear on her she simply doesn’t fall for it. I think she might be psychic. I already know she’s psycho, but that’s a different story.

All I can tell you is that you simply cannot fool this woman. It’s probably the hair. She actually has a T-Shirt she wears that has written across it, “My Red Hair Gives Me Superpowers“. Given the past 22+ years with her, I sincerely believe that. Now, I really have to point out here that I wouldn’t have bothered to reiterate this fact if it wasn’t of absolute importance. In fact, the humor in this missive hinges entirely on this fact:

You just cannot fool the E K. The odds against your success in doing so are so astronomical that even making the attempt is an exercise in abject futility.

I’m serious folks.

Therefore, I’m sure you can understand that I was completely flabbergasted when I realized I was getting away with the lie.

What lie?

I already told you – the lie about the Tupperware.

Here’s the thing… In addition to being unnaturally impossible to fool, The Evil One is also a creature of habit. Not that she’s terribly predictable, mind you, because she isn’t… Not by any stretch. However, when she sets her mind to something she will institute a routine that is to be followed exactly, and until such time as she, and only she, decides said routine is going to change, you best follow the instructions you’ve been given by she who must be obeyed, lest you end up incurring her wrath. The problem with this is, she does not warn you about the changes, so you end up incurring her wrath at some point anyway, no matter what you do. Yes… She uses fear very effectively. You live your life knowing for a fact you are going to “get it”… You just never know when.

But, moving right along… One of E Kay’s structured habits is that she takes her lunch as opposed to spending money on fast food. Yeah, she’s pretty damn frugal like that. Of course, this also involves me being responsible for making her lunch, to her exacting specifications, then packing it, again to her exacting specifications, then having her “lunchbox” sitting in exactly the right spot, for her to pick up on her way out the door each morning.

Of course, on those days when she is feeling particularly cruel and unusual, she will simply stand next to the “lunchbox” tapping her dainty Mary-Jane clad foot while glaring at me with a look of disdain and expectation. This is the signal that I am to drop whatever I am doing and tote her “lunchbox” out to the vehicle for her. Failing to do so in a timely fashion generally results in severe bruising and even a few minor abrasions.

I would be remiss, of course, if I didn’t point out that the extent of the injuries is in direct correlation to whether or not she is feeling so evil as to pick up said lunchbox and beat me with it. That is why she has several lunchboxes with various designs. Unfortunately they just don’t make them like they used to, and these days they tend dent easier and have to be replaced often.

Of course, there is an entire reversed version of this routine every evening when she arrives home – I have to meet her at the door with her drink, then lay down on the floor so she can wipe her shoes, then when she eventually allows me back up on my knees, I take the lunchbox from her and scurry into the kitchen with it. Once there I have to place the ice packs into the freezer, cull out the recyclables from the garbage, etc, then get dinner on the table before she has a chance to beat me with a broom handle.

But, speaking of the lunch box, this is where the lie about the Tupperware comes in…

You see, E K is a big fan of water. She’s also a big fan of environmental stewardship. So, rather than use bottled water, she has a fancy pink reusable Rubbermaid water bottle, as well as a tall, yellow Tupperware cup with a snap on lid.

I honestly don’t know what it was that possessed me on the evening in question. Really, I don’t. All I know is that we had only recently returned home from taking the munchkin to a Girl Scout skating party. We were both standing in the kitchen, E K setting about the task of feeding the four legged felines, while I was across the room setting up the coffee pot for the next morning.

As I scooped fresh grounds into the filter basket I heard myself say, “So, Leggs… Where’s your yellow Tupperware cup?”

The thing is, I knew exactly where it was. After performing my earlier duties as drink caddy and doormat, I had washed said Tupperware cup, refilled it with filtered water, and placed it into the refrigerator so it would be ready the next morning.

Of course, her reply was, “It should be in my lunchbox.”

At this point it was almost as if I was having an out of body experience. Instead of cutting my losses and running, I heard myself say, “Nope. Not in there.”

I heard her shuffle around the center island then undo the Velcro tab on the miniature padded cooler. A moment later she muttered a “hmph.”

I should have kept my mouth shut, but apparently I still hadn’t re-entered my body. My voice was now saying, “Did you leave it at work or something?”

“No,” she replied, confusion evident in her voice. “I’m sure I put it back in my lunchbox.”

“Well, it wasn’t there when I cleaned it out this afternoon,” I replied.

The entire time my mouth was moving a little voice was screaming in the back of my skull, “Have you lost your mind! She’s going to kill you!“

But, I was committed – or, I obviously needed to be, because I continued. “Did you maybe leave it in your van?”

“No,” she replied, her audible consternation growing.

“You’re sure?” I asked, my mouth no longer governed by anything resembling good sense. “Because I haven’t seen it.”

“Dammit,” E K muttered. “But, it was right here… I’m sure I put it in my lunchbox.”

“Could you have left it at a customer’s site or something?” my voice asked, apparently driven by some kind of Kamikaze autopilot.

“No,” she snapped, and the tone of her voice was saying “don’t be an idiot, of course I didn’t“… Then she huffed and muttered “dammit” once again.

Now she stalked back around the center island and opened up the cabinet. After some clanking and knocking around she withdrew a smaller, orange Tupperware tumbler.

“This is too small,” she announced. “Don’t we have another one of the big cups?”

“Nope,” I replied. “Just the one you lost.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing myself say. I also couldn’t believe she was falling for it. It was at about this time it dawned on me that I was subconsciously keeping my back to her at all times. I continued methodically going about my task of prepping the coffee maker, loading the dishwasher, and whatever else I could find to do, so long as I didn’t turn to face The Evil One. If she couldn’t see my eyes, I was in good shape… For the moment, anyway…

E K let out an exasperated sigh and returned the orange tumbler to the cabinet with a hollow thump, then withdrew a different plastic cup. Slightly larger, but most certainly not of the proper configuration to fit between the special, curvy, blue-ice cold packs she uses in her lunchbox.

“Well,” she huffed, annoyance thick in her tone. “It’s not going to fit, but I guess I’ll just have to use one of these tomorrow. Are the lids in the drawer over there?”

“Yeah,” I replied, now stepping over to the refrigerator as she stomped her way to toward the drawer.

Swinging open the fridge I stared at the yellow Tupperware cup sitting magnificently upon the top shelf, just in front of the milk. I suddenly felt this horrible rending of the soul sort of sensation that always seems to accompany the process of your incorporeal form unceremoniously slamming back into your body. I blinked, then began laughing. Why was I laughing? To build up a surplus of endorphins, of course, because I had a pretty good idea what was coming next.

Still, my mouth hadn’t fully reconnected with my brain, therefore it was still running on the suicide mission profile. I stopped chuckling for a moment to take in a breath, then heard myself say, “Did you look in the fridge by any chance?”

After that, pretty much everything became a blur punctuated by bouts of extreme agony. The last thing I remember clearly was a lightning-like flash of red hair and  a whole lot of fire shooting out of a pair of blue eyes as a banshee like scream echoed in my ears, “It’s Not Nice To Fool Evil Kat!”

By the way, I’m writing this blog entry from my room at the hospital. The proctologist tells me he’s fairly optimistic about my surgery tomorrow morning to remove the size 7 pump from my… Well… You know. Unfortunately, he doesn’t think he can save the pump itself.

I guess I’m going to have to take E K shoe shopping when they release me.

More to come…

Murv

…Is probably SMEAT.

I bet you thought I was going to say TREET, didn’t you? Well, if it comes to the actual product, yeah, TREET is likely to be what you’ll find in my cupboard. As I’ve pointed out before, I can pick up TREET for 99¢ at the local supermarket, whereas its almost identical cousin SPAM is more along the line of 3 bucks. It doesn’t take Professor Eppes from Numbers to do that math. Hell, I can even do it without taking off my shoes and socks.

But, let’s get back to SMEAT.

You see, when you create a work of fiction, grey areas of copyright law such as “Fair Use” don’t apply. What this means is, you can’t quote song lyrics without permission, and it’s a really, really bad idea to use trademarked brand names without permission. Unfortunately, obtaining permission can sometimes – actually, most of the time – be a mission you’d rather not undertake. I managed to luck out and obtain permission from Michael Moorcock, the copyright holder on the lyrics for a particular song performed by Blue Oyster Cult. And, let me tell you, it really was luck. I’ve tried to snag permission to quote lyrics from other artist’s since, and they’ve all either simply not replied, told me no way, or most often immediately replied with “GIMME GIMME A big a$$ chunk of your pie” – (apparently they too think we authors just rake in the cash.) Don’t get me wrong… It’s their intellectual property – or in many cases, belongs to a music licensing firm – but, I’m here to tell you they can be pretty ridiculous when it comes to their expectations regarding payment.

And, music isn’t the only thing we are talking about here. Brand names of products fit into this mix as well. Of course, there are also certain trademarked names that have actually become so pervasive as to end up in our colloquial lexicon, such as “Kleenex”. Give a listen during cold and flu season sometime. Between the sneezes and sniffles, the majority of the sick folk will refer to tissues as “Kleenex”. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that. It’s simply something that has become ingrained in our culture – which was what the company was trying to do in the first place. However, since “Kleenex” is trademarked, if a character in a story happens to need a good nose blow, to be on the safe side they should probably use a tissue, not a “Kleenex”… Readers will still know what you are talking about. In fact, for many of them, they will simply think “Kleenex” in place of tissue. It’s one of those Jedi Mind tricks our brains play on us.

But, if you really want to us “Kleenex,” I’m not about to stop you. As I’ve made perfectly clear, I have no intention of telling anyone how to write. Not my place, not my thing.

But, let’s get back to the SMEAT.

You see, unless you are watching a big budget Bond flick, or some other Hollywood advertising vehicle that contains insane amounts of bought and paid for product placement throughout, the props you see on screen aren’t necessarily what you think they are.

Yeah… It’s another one of those Jedi Mind tricks.

You see, you aren’t likely to see SPAM in a movie. What you will see is SMEAT. Of course, had it been me designing the props, I would have called it SMEET – you know, SPAM plus TREET… But, I can see where they were coming from. At any rate, the same thing applies for just about anything else you see on the screen – cans of soup, books, newspapers, etc. None of them are real. They are fabricated to look close enough to an actual product so as to trick your mind into instantly recognizing it. Of course, some of them are simply made to look “real,” but not to necessarily trigger a subliminal connection to an actual product. For instance, the book cover above. For me, “Sky Sluts” doesn’t trigger a connection to an actual book title, nor does the cover art. However, I have to admit, now that I’ve seen it I’m damn curious about what the actual story might be. My guess is that it is fairly weak on plot, substance, character development, and maybe even writing. However, I get the impression it tries to make up for all of that with action.

Now, if you don’t believe me about this whole movie prop thing, I can understand your skepticism, but I’m not making it up. For instance, SMEAT was used in an episode of Millennium, as well as some other movies. Take a close look at soda cans and beer cans in your favorite television shows. At first glance the labels look downright familiar, but if you focus on them for a second, suddenly you get the full picture. In the interim, if you are interested in seeing more, take a surf on over to this web address:

The Earl Hays Press

These are the folks who design and print the “look alike” props you see in movies. They go all out with the details too, because you never know when a closeup might be in order.

Oh, and while you are there make sure you check out the Booze labels. Trust me, you’ll get a laugh.  I mean, it’s not every day you see a bottle of “Snotliknaya” Vodka or “Bar Fly Label” Gin.

Yeah, that’s the real kicker about this stuff. The entire time it is evoking a brand recognition in our subconscious mind, it is also packing tongue in cheek details that are good for a snicker or two…

All I can say is the folks who design these props must have a ball.

More to come…

Murv