BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Some of you may remember me reporting on the graphic and horrendous Barbie Murders some time back. Actually, it was a Ken murder, but Barbie was a person of interest in the investigation. If you missed it, here is a link to help you get caught up:

Barbie Murders Part 1 (aka – Solving Murders At Home… August, 27 2008)

Well, anyway, after next to no media attention whatsoever (due to the election, I assume) and a low budget investigation (read: me, a scratched magnifying glass, and a couple of notes scribbled in crayon) I think there has been a break in the case.

Actually, this all happened quite by accident, as many breaks in cases do. No one called to rat out Babs or anything, but let’s just say I happened to be in the right place at the right time.

You see, at 5:07 AM, Friday, November 14, 2008, I was roused from my slumber by an intense feeling. A feeling that was demanding in no uncertain terms my immediate and undivided attention. At first my heart began to race as adrenalin dumped into my system, but within a matter of seconds it became apparent that the sensation was, in fact, my bladder telling me to get to the bathroom post haste. (Hey, I never said there was anything supernatural about the sensation.)

So, anyway, I dragged myself from beneath the covers and stumbled down the stairs. A quick detour allowed me to go ahead and flip the switch on the coffee pot in the kitchen before backtracking and hitting the bathroom. After “taking care of business” I set about washing my hands and happened to notice something from the corner of my eye. Being the highly trained investigator that I am, I finished with my sanitizing operation then dried my digits, lest any moisture on my hands destroy or contaminate evidence.

As I had done weeks before, I pulled back the shower curtain. I had to stare for a while, and even squint a bit, as I was doing all this sans glasses (or even scratched magnifying glass for that matter)…

What I saw was so damning that I felt the need to go get my glasses just to be sure I was making no mistakes.

After obtaining my spectacles I returned to the scene, magnifying glass and crayon in hand. My corrected vision served only to show me what I had thought I had seen to begin with.

Ken, still extremely corpsified, now had his little plastic head jammed firmly back onto his shoulders. So firmly in fact that he really no longer had a neck. But, since he’s dead I don’t suppose he really needs one, so I guess it is a moot point… However, I digress… So, Ken – all dead and stuff – was now sprawled face down on the tile with a “Hello Kitty” washcloth draped over his rigid body. (I assume the coroner was out of sheets and body bags, and therefore just used the first available thing.)

Now, this was interesting enough in itself. I mean, weeks have passed and the body still hadn’t been moved, not to mention the reattachment of the head. But the primary reason I had rushed for my glasses was what I had seen sitting mere inches from lifeless corpse of the victim. You see, initially I had thought I might be suffering from double vision, for no longer was there simply Babs sitting there looking upon Dead Ken with a look of satisfaction. There were now two Barbies hanging out at the crime scene. What was worse is that they were both wearing the same sparkly blue bathing suit.

Upon bespectacled inspection, however, I discovered that the newcomer was a redhead, whereas Babs from the original scene was a brunette. And there they were… Both of them. But, that’s not all…dare I say it…yes, I dare. You see, they were just a bit entangled with one another, if you know what I mean…

At this juncture, the prevailing theory is that Babs got tired of Ken the Eunuch and decided to explore her wild side, thereby hooking up with Evil Redheaded Babs at a local bar. Before long it simply became a classic love triangle…and, well…we all know what can happen with those. Redheaded Babs, what with redheads being evil and all, likely convinced her new found love that it would be a good idea to be rid of Ken the Eunuch once and for all… And there you have it. A crime of passion. Pretty Poison all rolled into a redhead and a brunette.

Babs-B and her girlfriend Babs-R have now been detained for questioning. I had to borrow handcuffs from the Miranda action figure on my desk, but I don’t think she’ll miss them. She had plenty. Right now the two detainees aren’t saying much, but they do keep smiling an awful lot. Just can’t seem to wipe the smirks off their perfect little faces.

Funeral arrangements for Ken are on hold until someone claims the body. I get the feeling we could be waiting quite a while…

More to come…

Murv

Nope. Not the electronic kind.

I’m talking about SPAM™ …Actually, since SPAM™ is ridiculously expensive (something like $3.29 a can… Probably due to the popularity of its name) I opt for TREET™ … Different company, same kind of can, same rectangular hunk of pressed pork leavin’s. And, it’s only 99¢ per can. Gotta love that.

Why? It means I can get three times as much of it.

Now here is the thing about SPAM™/TREET™/TRAM©/SPEET©. I love the stuff. Don’t know why. I mean, I definitely didn’t come from a well to do family, so I ate more than my share of the meat-like schtuff as a kid. Along with Vienna Sausages, which I also love. And, well, our psyche’s do tend to rebel and we normally eschew that which reminds us of harder times. But, the psuedo Virginia ham-like goodness of these canned pork leavin’s don’t really conjure a bad memory for me. In fact, it is more like a comfort food. It makes me remember a time when my family was still around – you see, with the exception of my sister and a few distant relatives, my ancestral family is gone. So, at this semi-advanced stage in my life I am a bit nostalgic. Therefore, I am all about things that remind me of better times, even if we were dirt poor and the times didn’t seem “better” when they were happening. Now, looking back on them, they seem like the best of times. But, that is the way with nostalgia, so who am I to complain?

Now, there are tons of ways to serve TREET™/SPAM™… Dice it up in some scrambled eggs. BBQ it. Roast it on a stick at a camp out. Hey, I’ve even diced it up and added it to homemade lentil soup. This stuff is so friggin’ versatile, I could go on forever. The possibilities are that endless.

However, I’ll stick to a single recipe…One of my favorite ways to enjoy these pressed and potted pork renderings is to slice the block into 1/2 inch thick slabs, sear ’em real quick in a hot skillet, then place a couple between two pieces of wheat bread with a slice of real American cheese. Now that, my friends, is good eatin’.

Okay, so I know you are wondering why I am devoting an entire blog entry to SPAM™/TREET™/TRAM©/SPEET©. Well, it’s simple really.

I love it. My wife and kid, not so much. The kid turns her nose up. My wife, on the other hand, will eat it if it is the only option and she’s really, really hungry. But, usually, she likes to point out that she doesn’t like it. Lately, she has even been on a kick of telling me that it is “bad for me”…

So, step forward in time a bit…I was having a potted-pressed-rendered-pork-leavin’s sammich just the other day. I was really enjoying it. The Evil Redhead proceeded to ask in a somewhat accusatory tone, “Do you realize how much saturated fat that stuff has in it?”

Honestly, I didn’t. So, I checked the can.

About 4g saturated fat and 6g of protein per serving (which is what I was having – 1 serving) 3g of carbohydrates in the form of sugars. It was about 130 calories, not counting the bread and cheese. Now, I will grant you, the entire fat content of a serving is 11g, but not all fat is bad. In fact, our bodies require it to function. And remember, only 4 of the 11 grams were saturated, which is the bad kind.

Now, the interesting thing about this is that when she asked the question, she was enjoying a serving of Strawberry Milkshake Flavored Malted Milk Balls.

Out of curiosity, I checked the box.

Her single serving was 180 calories, had 8g of saturated fat, 31g of carbohydrates (26 of which were in the form of sugar) and 1 whole gram of protein.

She was slightly stunned…

Based on what I was reading, her snack was worse for her than mine was for me. Not to mention, mine actually had significant nutritional value, whereas hers had next to none. I was also going to no longer be hungry. Her, probably not so much.

Of course, EK is about as big around as a stick, and her family is predisposed to live to 100 without any heart or artery disease, so the not so nutritional value of the malted milk balls probably didn’t hurt her one iota. But, hey, that’s not the point…We’re talking nutrition here…

You know, I think I’ll take the pork leavin’s over the candy.

More to come…

Murv