BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Excuse me for a moment while I try on my best Andy Rooney impersonation…

Ahem…Gargle…Ahem-Ahem…

Okay, here goes…

Have ya’ ever noticed that some people will get hung up on a catch phrase, or a word, and then use it to death?

Okay, well that impersonating thing hurts my throat so I’m gonna stop, but as to the above question, seriously…Have you ever noticed that? Well, obviously I have…

I guess my rant, in this case, is a bit targeted. What I mean is, I am aiming this at food/cooking shows in particular…Especially those on the Food Network, one of my favorite channels…Except for, as you must certainly notice, this little issue here.

There are two utterances in particular that are really starting to get on my nerves. Maybe it is the fact that I make my living with words that I am so sensitive to this, but in any case, here is my beef (do you like how I worked that food reference in there? [grin]).

1) The word “Off” – Now “off” is a fairly specific word meaning the opposite of “on”. Pretty easy to deal with, Not terribly obtrusive when used in its given context. It’s not even that bad when used as a brand name for oven cleaner. However, in the past year or so there has been this movement among those driving the kitchen to append this word to particular cooking verbs that, frankly, are fairly self explanatory. Sure, they might require the additional prefix of “slow” (as in slow roasted) or “pan” (as in pan seared) but they definitely have no need for a meaningless appendage hanging off their backsides dragging them down –

For instance… “First we take some poblano peppers, place them on a baking sheet and roast them OFF…”

Excuse me? Roast them “off” of what? Are you telling me that you want me to roast them under the broiler until they fall off the baking sheet? That really doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense now does it?

Or, as I heard today… “Sprinkle cinnamon and sugar on the flour tortilla then bake it OFF for a few minutes…”

Bake it off? Are we having a contest of which I am unaware? The great tortilla bake-off? Or, am I supposed to bake it until all of the cinnamon and sugar comes off? That will be kind of hard because once the sugar starts to caramelize it will tend to glaze and bond with  the porous tortilla…Therefore, in order to get rid of the sugar I am going to have to burn this thing  beyond recognition, rendering it pretty much inedible…Wouldn’t it be better for me to just shake it so the cinnamon and sugar fall off? Or, here’s an idea – how about if I just don’t put the cinnamon and sugar on it to begin with and I won’t have a need to “insert verb here” it off. Saves time and gets the recipe done faster…

And, I’ve even repeatedly heard… “Then we take the tenderloin [or other cut of meat] and grill it OFF on each side…”

Again I ask, OFF of what? If it falls off the grill and into the coals it might not be all that tasty…if it missed the coals and ends up on the ground…well, let’s not go there. I’ve been there before and let’s just say beef brisket and sand don’t mix unless you are trying to clean your teeth or something…But, that is another story involving a barbecue, too much beer, an unstable Weber kettle, and a rousing game of Frisbee.

You know, I have no clue whatsoever how this trend began… This is merely a guess, but if I had to lay money I would say some tongue tied cook on a show accidentally tagged “off” to the end of something he was saying. Simple mistake, slip of the tongue, all good. BUT (you knew there would be one of those, right?) Some fruit loop heard it and thought “Hey, that sounds cool so I think I’ll start saying it so everyone will think I am some kind of important chef.” (Guess again, it makes you sound like a friggin’ idiot.)

The next thing you know everyone with a cooking show is appending “off” to the ends of their verbs. Honestly, kids, this has gotten waaaaayyyyyyy too ridiculous and out of hand. Drop the off, use the verbs as they are intended, and call it good. You’ll be amazed at how much more sense you will suddenly make.

This brings me to the next problem child…

2) “Flavorful” – Okay. Not a real problem in and of itself. It’s a word. It’s even a viable word that can certainly be used in conjunction with food or ingredients in recipes. It makes perfect sense. If you say it once or possibl;y twice…(although, personally I think once is quite enough…)

From where the idea came that the word “flavorful” was the one and only descriptor to be used while explaining food, I again have no clue. I can only say that I personally first noticed it when I accidentally landed the channel on the Food Network during a show featuring Tyler Florence. I say accidentally because Tyler just isn’t one of my favorites. I’m not a fan. I mean, I’m sure he’s a nice guy and he appears to know his way around the kitchen- he even has a stack of degrees to prove it- but in general his show and recipes simply fail to do anything for me, so I don’t watch him. (No offense intended, Tyler. But, let’s be honest – you probably don’t read my books either, so we’re even.)

Anyway, I digress… The thing is I stopped on that channel and there he was talking about a recipe. Much to my horror, in the span of 15 seconds he said the word “flavorful” 5 times. I think he even said it twice in one sentence.

Then, a short while later I saw him on an Applebees commercial…And there was that word again…I can’t remember for sure but I think he said it at least twice in the 5 second span he was talking, but don’t hold me to that… Even if I’m wrong and he said it only once that was more than enough. He’d already beaten it to death earlier and the fact that he was repeating it was proof enough to me that he was stuck on it and needed a date with a thesaurus.

I mean, even Emeril Lagasse was smart enough to back off on the trademark “BAM” after a while…Yeah, he still does it, but not every two seconds…

So, Tyler…come on. Depending on the particular ingredient there are a whole host of places you can go – delicious, tasty, delicate, savory, juicy, fresh, peppery, zesty, sweet, tangy, and mild, just to name a few…bursting with flavor, full of flavor…hell, even “full-flavored”… But, let’s give “flavorful” a rest, okay? It’s tired. You’ve stretched it way too thin and it just can’t cover the spread any longer…It really wants to go back to its page in the dictionary and take a nap…I, for one, really think you should let it…

Now, the thing that has really gotten under my skin about number two is that since Mister Florence has continued to use this word to to the exclusion of all other adjectives, suddenly some of my favorite folks on Food Network such as Alton Brown have started randomly tossing it out there too. Alton….Dude… Please don’t make me tune YOU out too…That would be a pity because I actually think you are a hoot…

Sooooo…at this point, theoretically, I suppose I should make them a deal…Something like “stop screwing with the language and I’ll stay out of the kitchen…” The problem here is that I am actually schooled to be in the kitchen. Perhaps not as much as they are, but schooled nonetheless… So, that makes it pretty hard for me to offer that deal…However, since there probably isn’t any danger of me getting myself a cooking show anytime soon, I’ll advance this compromise…

Y’all stop beating up the language and I won’t cook on TV.

‘Nuff said…

More to come…

Murv

Yes… “STAFF” infection, NOT Staph Infection. That was what the monstrous, hyper-infectious, killer strain of “walking death influenza” was dubbed at this years Samhain Florida Pagan Gathering. Primarily, because patient zero infected several members of the festival staff, who then unwittingly shared it with other staff, then attendees, then speakers, etc. I just happened to be one of the lucky masses to be infected with extreme prejudice. Somewhere around late morning on Friday last I started feeling like crap. By that evening, I was pretty much laid up with a fever and hacking cough that was threatening to send one or both of my lungs flying across the room at supersonic speed. Not a good thing.

Even so, a good time was had. I bunked in with Dorothy Morrison and her husband Mark on one side of the cabin, along with my wife (Evil Kat) and my offspring. On the other side of the cabin was my dear friend Kristin Madden and her son Karl, as well as another set of great buds, Z and Hardee. Even with the attack of the “Staff Infection”, we still got to visit and have a great time. I had a chance to visit with another dear friend, Chuck Cook. Unfortunately, his wife and kids weren’t able to make it this go around, but hopefully we will catch up with them in the not too distant future. I also got to visit with, and even square dance with, my old friend Ann Moura. And, of course, I spent some time with my buds John & Brandie (aka THAT Moonfire!) and their crew. To top it off, I got to meet and kibbitz with Kirk White, an author I had heretofore only known via email.

The fest was well attended, as usual- rumor has it they even broke a record. The workshops were great and we all signed tons of books for festivalgoers. Other than the staff infection I only had two regrets – one being that Paul, our beloved guardian and firetender was not present, as he had just had surgery to remove a brain tumor. Fortunately, we received news that he is doing great, healing quicker than expected, and that the tumor turned out to be completely benign! (Yay!!) So, I’m looking forward to seeing him next go around. Just to make things right, however, someone produced a life size cutout picture of Paul’s face, and we all had pictures taken with it in groups, individually, at at various events throughout the fest so that he could be there with us, even if he wasn’t. My other regret would be that I didn’t get to make my annual pilgrimage down to Rowangrove, which is Druydess’s camp. She’s a lovely gal, tremendous hostess, and her whole crew is a blast to hang with. Every year I make sure to stop by for a few drinks and an hour or two of intelligent, witty, innuendo filled banter. Unfortunately, being laid up with the “infection” I was in no condition to drink, I wasn’t particularly witty- nor intelligent- and I would have hated to spread the virus any farther than it had already gone.

So, FPG was a blast, even with the infection and regrets. I do feel it a moral imperative to say the following- Rayne, of guest services was fantastic! She took care of us like you wouldn’t believe, making sure that we had our cabin cooler filled with goodies and ice, extra blankets (yeah, there was actually a cold snap in Florida, can you believe it?), food, etc. She even had her minions cart our cases of books back and forth between the cabin and tables. As far as we were concerned, she was the Guest Services Goddess! And, as wonderful as the rest of the staff was and is, I also must single out my favorite Guardian, Trauma. She is an absolute sweetheart, and she saw to it that I was well taken care of from the medical standpoint. (Of course, prior to becoming infected, she also tagged me with her infamous “Flaming Dr. Pepper”, but that’s a whole ‘nother story…)

Now…On to some other stuff…That being, “Nasty Rumors”…

When filling out my speaker info packet for FPG, as a joke I put a few notes under “special requirements”… The notes were something to the effect that Dorothy Morrison was old and decrepit and would require a wheelchair. I also added that Kristin Madden is a whiny diva who would demand that she get anything Morrison got, and therefore they should have one for her too.

Now…The staff of FPG knows us well, and they knew this was a joke. They posted it on their official website, as a joke. Some of you may even remember Dorothy, Kristin, and me blogging back and forth at one another about this, and generally having a great time with it.

Unfortunately, someone who doesn’t know us read the blurb on the FPG site, and took offense. They felt that Kristin was being seriously disrespected, and were worried that Dorothy was on her deathbed.

So…Let us quell the rumors. Dorothy Morrison is like my big sister. Kristin Madden is like my little sister. Yeah, I’m the middle child…guess that explains it, eh? (Grin)….Either way, we pick back and forth at one another all the time. It is all good natured fun, and it is how we interact. If you see us in person, all together, you will see one hell of a show. And, if I do say so myself, we are pretty damned entertaining– Well, we amuse ourselves, so hey, what more can we ask… Suffice it to say, there was no disrespect toward Kristin “Don’t Call Me Kirsten” Madden, nor is Dorothy “Older Than Dirt” Morrison in ill health. It was just us kids joking around with one another. End of story.

Trust me, if we ever get mad at one another you won’t see us bickering. There will just be three smoking holes left where we each once stood. But, I can pretty much guarantee you that such will never happen, so no worries there.

Okay, I need to go check on Evil Kat since she is now dealing with the Staff Infection. I’ll leave you with a few pictures…

Thought I was kidding about the square dancing, didn’t you?

More to come…

Murv