BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

…also known as, “Why don’t you…”

It seems that when I get questions from folks, that is usually the qualifying preamble.

“Why don’t you write Zombie books?”

“Why don’t you do book signings in Little Chicken Neck, Arkansas?”

“Why don’t you give Rowan a break?”

"Why don't you leave your wife and come shack up with me?"

Yeah… Sometimes some fairly weird stuff, and yes, I have actually been asked that “shack up with me” question, among various others I’m too polite to mention here. I’m flattered, but let’s get something straight – not gonna happen.

However, the “Why Doan-Choo” of late has actually come from colleagues in the field of book authorin’ as well as quite a few aspiring writers, and it has to do with Brainpan Leakage. Not actually grey matter running out your ears or anything, I mean Brainpan Leakage as in this blog. Their question, while taking many forms – simplistic to complex – always boils down to the following:

“Why don’t you write about writing in your blog?”

In answer to that I normally point toward the entry “I Can Haz Blog?” However, since that is way back in the archives and such, I figure I’ll post another, far more vitriolic missive about this subject.

So, here’s the answer – As a rule, writers who blog about writing tend to piss me off. (Just watch, one of the aforementioned offenders will see this and yell at me about ending that sentence with a preposition.)

Now, let me clarify this a bit. Not ALL writers who blog about writing piss me off, just a good portion of them. There are a few gems out there who actually give some thought to the process and are simply answering questions about how THEY go about writing a story. Those types of blogs are interesting. That type of advice is worthwhile.

However, the vast majority of “blogs about writing” – that I have read – tend more toward:

“Hi, I’m [insert name here]. I (pick one) –

1. Has jest have my first book publishified.
2. Reeded a book won tyme.
3. Write ingredient copy for Campbell’s soup labels.
4. Can burp the alphabet while drunk.
5. What’z uh buhk?

– and because this makes me an expert in the field I am going to tell you exactly how it is done. I am correct, you are incorrect, and if you don’t write exactly the way I tell you to in my blog, then you are a big moron who doesn’t deserve to live.”

Yeah… Okay… So I’ll admit to exaggerating things there, but I think you all realize I did so to make my point. The basic gist of the above is that there are far too many self-important, pseudo-pedantic blogs out there with folks stating opinion as fact, many of whom don’t actually have the necessary qualifications to do so. And this goes for plenty of subjects besides just writing…

However, as the subject of writing goes many folks make an assumption that having a book published automatically grants them expert credentials. Well I’ve had 9 books published, several of which have won awards and all of which have spent time on various best seller lists.  I also have a few short stories out there and contracts to write a few more books, and guess what? I am NOT qualified to tell you how to write.

The simple fact is that nobody is, plain and simple…

Unfortunately – and this goes back to my entry “I Can Haz Blog” as well – there are also too many “how to” sites telling new and aspiring authors that in order to create a web presence and get their names known they need to blog about writing and position themselves as experts.

As Felicity O’Brien would say, “Cac capaill!” (for the Gaelic challenged – Horseshit!)

However, since I keep getting the question I am going to cave for a moment and give folks what they want. So here you go. This is my blog about writing,  and my personal, foolproof, guaranteed 10 point process for authoring… And dare I say this is the definitive blog about writing… (at least as far as any you are ever going to get from me.)

And so, here they are in no particular order:

1. If you want to write, then write. Don’t talk about it, DO it.
2. The only thing you can be taught is the mechanics and you should have picked these up sometime around your first English Composition class. In fact, per a dear friend of mine who is an English teacher you should have picked them up by the 4th grade. Ability and talent come from within, not from a book, teacher, or unsolicited advice.
3. You can ask advice about nuances of writing, but that’s about it. Ability and talent do not come from solicited advice either. Don’t ask someone to teach you to be a writer. That movie with Sean Connery and the kid? Didn’t really happen. Get over it. But always remember, just like the Baz Luhrmann song says: Be careful whose advice you take. And to add my two cents, it’s just advice, not gospel.
4. You are going to forget shit from English Comp. We all do unless we teach it for a living, and even then I’ve personally caught teachers making mistakes. Your best bet is to keep a couple of grammar reference books handy, but you should use them just like the Pirates use their rules – as a set of guidelines. Don’t be afraid to paint outside the lines, just don’t spill any and make a mess.
5. Use a proofing sheet. It saves your editor headaches and if you save your editor headaches you save yourself heartaches. You are going to have a love/hate relationship with your editor, so do as much as you can to skew the scales toward the love. It’s better for both of you and you’ll save on antacids.
6. When and if you have some success at this game, don’t take yourself too seriously, or believe your own press.  If you do, you are in for a big surprise. Your shit stinks just like everyone else’s, and someone is bound to tell you so. The farther you have to fall, the worse your ego is going to get bruised on impact.
7. Read Strunk and White’s Elements of Style and The Chicago Manual of Style. Then use them to hold up an uneven table leg and never touch them again. Again, they are guidelines, but they are not the definitive word on how to write. Ask any linguist – our language and its usage are evolving on a daily basis.
8. Ignore anyone who tells you that to be a writer you must follow the rules set forth by Elmore Leonard. If they persist in following you around and spouting this nonsense, hit them over the head with a cast iron skillet and knock some sense into them. Even if it doesn’t knock sense into them they will probably be quiet for a good while afterward.
9. Observe life around you and soak it up like a sponge. When creating a character look inward and draw from personal experience. That is what will make the character believable and real.
10. Marry someone with a trust fund or a good job who doesn’t mind supporting your ass. Not all of us get to be a Laurell K. Hamilton, James Patterson,  John Grisham, et. al.

Here’s the thing – Writing, just like painting, is an art form. It is open to interpretation. That’s just how it is.

And, lest you think I have now crossed over to the dark side of the pseudo-pedantic, self-important “how to write” bloggers I so disdain, let me say just one more thing…

The above is my opinion and nothing more than my opinion on the subject of the authoring biz. It is how I write and how I view writing. It may or may not work for you, so feel free to take it or leave it.

Okay, enough with all this serious crap… I’ll try to make sure my next blog returns to the realm of bizarre humor. That’s way more fun…

Oh, and by the way. NO. I am NOT going to leave my wife and shack up with you.

More to come…

Murv

Well, I don’t honestly know the actual issue. I’ve lost track and I’m just too lazy to go back and look. At any rate, I’m not getting any “real” writing done today because the Munchkin is home with a possible case of Strep Throat. Makes concentrating a bit hard when you have a sick child on the couch and cartoons blaring from the television, if you know what I mean.

So, anyway, since it has been awhile since I’ve posted a FAQ Blog, I thought I’d do something about it. So, without further fuss, here are some of the questions I get in person and in email on a regular basis, along with something resembling answers…

1) Are you and Dorothy Morrison married?

Yes. But we are NOT married to each other. Dorothy is married to a terrific guy by the name of Mark. I am married to a terrific gal named Evil Kat. Well, actually her name is just Kat, but she is kind of Evil, so she does actually answer to EK.

Now, I suppose this question probably stems from the fact the Dorothy and I tour together very often. To put it simply, Dorothy is pretty much like my big sister. We also tend to click when it comes to doing workshops together, and have even been described by some reviewers as a Pagan “Burns and Allen”. So, there you go.

2) Are you and your wife in an open relationship?

Believe it or not, I really do get this question…

Okay…Let’s see how I can answer this… We are open with each other. But, I know that isn’t what you are asking. I can pretty much sum this up in one word. Monogamy.

So, no. My wife and I are not into poly, swapping, free love, yadda yadda. This is not to say we have anything against anyone who is. If that is your schtick, hey, good on ya’. It’s just not for us.

I am sure I will find myself answering this question again. But, there you go…

3) Do you plan to write anything besides the Rowan Gant books?

Yes. I do plan to write other books. When, I have no idea. As long as the demand is there for the RGI series, it gets hard for me to NOT release one per year. Unfortunately, between touring and writing, about one book per year is about all I have time to write at this point.

4) Is there ever going to be a Rowan Gant movie?

I have no clue. It would be very cool, but I don’t have any contracts from any movie studios, so until that happens I’d have to say…yes/no/maybe… (Shrug)…Honestly, I just don’t know.

5) Is the RGI character, Felicity O’Brien, bisexual?

Honestly, this question confuses me. Let me answer it by asking this: At some point during the series has Felicity done something which lead you to believe she might be bi?

If so, please tell me what it is so I can go re-read it myself.

6) Will the RGI character, Ben Storm, ever get back together with his wife?

I have absolutely no idea. He hasn’t said anything about that at this point. If he does, I will be the second to know (he’ll be the first), my pre-readers will be the third, my editor the fourth, and you, the reader, will be number five.

7) When will Rowan and Felicity have children?

When Felicity turns up pregnant and carries full term.

8) What is RGI character Constance Mandalay’s shoe size?

Same as Felicity’s.

I was recently informed that this question was asked as a roundabout way of trying to figure out Constance’s stature in relation to Ben’s. Apparently there was some kind of speculation going on with regard to how the two of them physically interact in the bedroom. (And here all this time I thought I was writing suspense thrillers, not erotica… (shrug)…)

9) Are you a member of any writing/critiquing groups?

I am a member of an online group and many of us are spread out across the country. I have, however, met several of the folks in person.

10) I heard that there is a Rowan Gant based short story being published. Is that true and can I get details?

Yes. I wrote a short story for a horror anthology tentatively titled, Courting Morpheus. It is due out from Apex Publications mid 2008. And, yes, the story I wrote includes a portion of the gang from the RGI series. I will give more details when my editor tells me it’s okay.

That’s it for now… More to come…

Murv