BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I’m officially back in my room for the evening. Opening ceremonies are over and the groups have split off to engage in FRPG’s, MMORPG’s, and the like. Others are exuberantly bouncing around the campus sticking battery powered LED’s to metal rafters by attaching them to magnets and launching them at the ceiling. Have to admit, the student center is pretty colorful right now.

Unfortunately, I just don’t party into the night as well as I used to. All part of that aging thing I suppose. At any rate, here is my evening report from the WillyCon XI Odyssey.

@mrsellars – Noon noms, more good chow. Szechwan chicken stir-fry with lots of veggies and a small spinach salad with some sunflower seeds and beets.

@mrsellars – Wish I could afford to eat this healthy at home.

@mrsellars – Where the hell is my flash drive?

@mrsellars – Dammit… That flash drive has manuscript stuff on it that doesn’t need to be released just yet…

@mrsellars – Shit. Must have lost it when I was walking this morning.

@mrsellars – Walkies… Lookies…Walkies… Lookies… Walkies…

@mrsellars – [Back at room] Well hell… hopefully someone turned it in.

@mrsellars – Hey… What’s this in my coat pocket?

@mrsellars – #fuckme

@mrsellars – Universe is definitely making sure I get that exercise… What next? Am I going to end up shoveling snow?

@mrsellars – Forget I said that… Srsly. Just pretend it never happened.

@mrsellars – Did the big cheese leave a badge for me?

@Con_Registration –  Yeah, Murv. Number 2.

@mrsellars –  No thanks, I did number 2 this morning. I probably need to do a number 1 though.

@Con_Registration – O_o

@mrsellars – [Watching a segment of Omega Man with Charlton Heston] [shakes head] I just can’t watch this without expecting him to say, “Get your hands off me you damn dirty ape!”

@Con_Registraton – LOL

@Movie_Watchers – O_o

@mrsellars –  I wonder why that maintenance guy is cleaning that rock with a wire brush?

@mrsellars – Went to campus coffee shop. Business so slow today they didn’t make any more coffee.

@mrsellars – Young lady behind counter made me huge espresso latte thingie for same price. She is now my new best girlfriend.

@New_Best_Girlfriend – [Notices my badge] Are you a speaker for WillyCon?

@mrsellars – Yes. I’m actually the author guest of honor.

@New_Best_Girlfriend – Really?!

@mrsellars – Yeah.

@New_Best_Girlfriend – What do you write?

@mrsellars – Books.

@New_Best_Girlfriend – O_o [Pause] LOL! No kidding?

@mrsellars – Why would I kid you about that? (grin) But seriously, I write Paranormal Suspense Thrillers.

@New_Best_Girlfriend – Really?!

@mrsellars – O_o

@mrsellars – Watched part of Logan’s Run. Jenny Agutter was kinda hot.

@mrsellars – E K needs one of those outfits…

@mrsellars – [wistful stare]

@mrsellars – Ahem. Ummm. Need to stop thinking about E K in one of those outfits.

@mrsellars – Watched part of Family Guy Star Wars spoof…

@mrsellars – All kinds of wrong happening on that screen.

@mrsellars – Really liked lightsabre = bug zapper gag. LOL at that one.

@mrsellars – When visual Doctor Who reference happened, excused myself for dinner.

@mrsellars – Not very hungry at dinner, but it was my last chance to eat for the day. Just had a couple of fish sticks , a small scoop of rice, and some coleslaw. Still very good.

@mrsellars – Fruit punch and Sierra Mist. Not bad. Bet a couple of shots of Vodka would make it even better.

@mrsellars – Dry campus.

@mrsellare – Do I really need to use the hashtag at this point? Y’all already know what I’m going to say…

@mrsellars – [mingle] tell stories [mingle] brag about kid [mingle] brag about wife [mingle] re-tell stories and chat [mingle]

@Darth_Doodie_Shirt_Girl – So, what kind of books do you write?

@mrsellars – Scary shit.

@Darth_Doodie_Shirt_Girl – Cool. I like scary shit.

@Attendee_on_Balcony – Mister Murv!

@mrsellars – [looking upward] Hi!

@Attendee_on_Balcony – Mister Murv, you need to change your Facebook photo.

@mrsellars – [still looking upward] Why?

@Darth_Doodie_Shirt_Girl – No he doesn’t.

@Attendee_on_Balcony – Yes he does… Wait, I’ll come down.

@mrsellars – Okay.

@jeopardy_theme – Do da Do da Do da Dooo, Do da Do da, Doop da do do do do…

@Attendee_from_Balcony – Hi. Nice to meet you.

@mrsellars – Hi. Nice to meet you too.

@Attendee_from_Balcony – So, you need to change your Facebook photo. It makes you look like a dork, and not in a good way.

@mrsellars – O_o

(Note: @Attendee_from_Balcony had some valid points if looked at from her point of view, even though @Darth_Doodie_Shirt_Girl didn’t agree with said points.)

@mrsellars – Heard that weather service is now predicting a possibility of 16 inches of snow starting tomorrow night.

@mrsellars – Have elected to form a survival plan.

@mrsellars – Might be able to find the necessary items in this dorm room to make snow shoes. Maybe even a sled.

@mrsellars – Currently investigating what will be involved with disassembling the bunk beds on the other side of the room in order to begin construction of aforementioned items.

@mrsellars – Heard several dogs barking earlier. Will investigate in the morning in case I need to assemble a sled team in a hurry.

@mrsellars – Side benefit of sled construction: leftovers from bunk bed frame can be used as firewood.

@mrsellars – As of now @skippy_the_squirrel and his friends are considered livestock.

@mrsellars – Will steal salt shakers from cafeteria tomorrow in order to preserve  them.

@mrsellars – Using pages from convention program book to make pattern for squirrel hide snowsuit.

@mrsellars – Just to be safe, presently designing multi-tiered defense system for room. I know what happened with the Donner party, and I ain’t gonna git et.

More to come…

Murv

(Note: If you are reading my blog for the first time please understand that what I post here is not only observational humor, but satirical as well. For the record, the folks at WillyCon are absolutely wonderful, have been a joy to hang out with, and I am having a great time. Really.  And they didn’t even force me say that or anything… 🙂 )

In general, whenever I mention Satan, I am referring to one particular petite, redheaded woman in stiletto heels, who is packing an evil attitude and looking for someone to abuse. Yes, you guessed it, E K. (Yeah… I know… It’s not like it was hard to figure out.)

In point of fact, I would venture to say that 90% of the time the word Satan even comes out of my mouth, or off the end of my fingers for that matter,  it is because I am talking about The Evil One to whom I belong. Why? That’s easy. Because she is also sometimes affectionately, and jokingly, (or, depending on your perspective, fearfully,) known as, “Satan In High Heels.”

Believe me, there’s a damn good reason for that insidious sounding title to be bestowed upon her. To put it simply, she really can sprout horns. And, when she does, there’s no saving the poor bastard who was stupid enough to metaphorically pour water on her head and make them grow.

I know it sounds far-fetched, but it’s true. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Hell, (pun fully intended,) I’ve even been gored by those horns when I wasn’t even the idiot who set her off. Yeah… I’ve been the collateral damage.

Don’t you feel sorry for me?

But, it isn’t just me who has seen it. There are others who have witnessed her true and inherent evilness, but since they are usually her victims, there really isn’t much left of most of them, which is probably fortunate… For them…

As to the survivors… Well, there are only a scant few of them, and even those who aren’t totally catatonic and drooling on themselves are locked away in a mental ward somewhere. The even fewer who still have some semblance of their faculties remaining, simply refuse to talk about it. It’s too traumatizing to relive, even in mere words. At least, that is the excuse they and their shrinks usually spout. I only know of one poor soul, besides me that is, who ever dares to say anything about it. Unfortunately, you cannot make much  sense of what he says. He merely sits in a corner, rocking endlessly, and keeps muttering, “But, but, I said unicorn.”

I have no clue what that means.

If you ask me, I think they’re all just “piss in their pants” afraid of her… Of course, I can’t say as that I blame them. I mean, she looks so innocent one minute, and then the next there are those horns poking out of her skull and she’s slipping into a pair of those pitchfork heeled stilettos, just like the one on the cover of The Devil Wears Prada… And the thing is, if you see the horns… Well… Let’s just say you should have left sooner because it’s all over but the funeral.

But, we really should move on, because E K isn’t actually the subject of this post… Well, actually she kinda is. Sort of. Eventually.  But we have to talk about something else first.

So, back to the whole other Satan thing. While we’ve established that Evil Kat takes up 90% of my “Evil Fallen Angel Quotient,” the other 10% of the time usually involves me rebuffing an accusation about spiritual beliefs by offering a clear explanation of alternative religious paths. Up to and including Satanism itself. Or, in other instances, I am engaged in a rousing conversation about Biblical Prophecy… That last bit always makes for a good time around the dinner table…

Obviously, since I stopped chasing that earlier random chicken, this particular missive about Satan falls into that 10% category. Although, it really has nothing to do with either explanations or prophecy…

You see, like it says in the title, somehow, Satan got behind me…

Well… That’s not quite accurate. The truth is, Satan did NOT actually get behind me.

Satan did, however, somehow manage to obtain my email address.

Yeah… No kidding.

Imagine my surprise when I checked my email, only to find a note from The Dark Prince himself. The Devil. Beelzebub. The Evil One (The other “The Evil One“, not E K). Lucifer. Old Nick. The guy in the suit from “Reaper“… John Glover from “Brimstone“…

Well, I have to say that I don’t think I am the only one who would feel compelled to open such an email. I mean, after all, that’s what Satan is all about, right? Tempting the weak… The strong… The faithless… The faithful… Rhesus monkeys…

Okay, so maybe not rhesus monkeys, but you get my point. The thing is, not only was a I tempted, but I gave in to the temptation. Yes. I opened the email. I mean, after all, I’m running some seriously high-end anti-virus software here, so if it had a Trojan or something, bells, whistles, and other flashy things would have already been going. I was safe from that sort of mischief from hell. All I really needed to worry about was an Apple, especially what with me being a PC guy and all.

Well, no Trojan or virus was to be had. And, I was even safe from Apples. Much to my surprise, however, this is what I saw:

A message for an online singles dating type social network from the bowels of Hell. (Please note that I purposely blotted out the URL in the screen capture. I mean, after all, I’m not about to give Lucifer any free advertising. If he wants me to spread the word about his singles club, he’s going to have to cough up some cash.)

But, here’s the thing that gets me. Apparently Beelzebub just isn’t satisfied with anything these days. Why in the world would he send me, of all people,  an invite to his dating service? Unless, of course, he’s getting soft in his old age and is feeling sorry for me.

I mean, after all, I’ve been married to his sister for better than 22 years, and she’s a damn sight more evil than he could ever be… (See, I told you we’d get back to the evil redhead…)

… Now, however, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to go hide. E K was reading over my shoulder as I was typing this, but she disappeared a few minutes ago. Now,  suddenly I’m smelling sulfur, and I’m pretty sure I just heard  the distinct sound of a pair of pitchforky high-heels gouging the floor.

And they sound like they’re coming closer with each step…

More to come…

(Maybe…)

Murv

* “Devil Woman Image” courtesy On The Edge Graphics © 2009. Used with permission.