BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

As you can plainly see I have undertaken a task here. Some of you may be wondering what it is. Others among you just might have it figured out. Here’s a clue – parenthood.

Still not getting it?

Okay, let me make it easier for you. We all want the best for our kids. We want them to have it easier than we had it, to have more with less hardship. Not always a good thing, really, because with hardship comes life lessons we can’t afford to live without. Still, if we can teach those lessons and still make things easier on our kids, we will. In a heartbeat. Unless we are bad parents, but that’s another story.

Therefore, to that end, rather than forcing my daughter to take dictation via a Twitter account in order to make a buck off of the inane ramblings of her old dad, I’m doing it for her. Years from now, when I’m rolling around in a wheelchair and complaining about my daily prune ration, she can be raking in the dough from a sitcom based on my sillicisms…

And so I give you, the daily quote project, first quarter, round two…

The Whizzdom Of Merp

December 2010

Merpizm 12/01/10: “Stupid is highly contagious; however, it has been scientifically proven that you cannot contract it from a toilet seat.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/02/10: “Lying, and not telling the truth, are two completely different things. Any fiction author can tell you that.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 12/03/10: “The longer stupid is left untreated, the harder it is to cure.” ~ M. R. Sellars

Merpizm 12/04/10: “The denser an object, the greater its gravitational pull. However, the denser an INDIVIDUAL… Well, not so much.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/05/10: “Disagreeing with you doesn’t mean I’m an intolerant ass. It just means I disagree with you.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/06/10: “First Law of Desire – Be ready to pay, as you will often find that the price-to-reward ratio is highly disproportionate.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/07/10: “If you think my politics aren’t compatible with yours, bear in mind that reverse is likely true as well.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/08/10: “Mirrors won’t reflect how other people see you. For that, you must look at your image in their eyes.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/09/10: “None of my quotes have been profound. Plenty of amateurs find them, but no pros thus far.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/10/10: “Personal Respsonsibility – the concept of ‘owning your sh*t’ includes admitting it whenever you fart in public.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/11/10: “Sometimes you just gotta add some chlorine to the gene pool.” ~ Det. Benjamin Storm (Via MRS)

Merpizm 12/12/10: “It all started when my sibilant disagreed with my fricative. Next thing you know, I bit my tongue and that was the end of it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/13/10: “Learn to accept that some people are idiots and you won’t have to worry about your blood pressure nearly as much.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/14/10: “I don’t know about anybody else, (but) When I get on Facebook I quote myself.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/15/10: “As with sex, if you don’t take precautions prior to speaking, you need to be prepared to accept the possible consequences.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/16/10: “Why are libraries quiet? Simple. People who read are smart enough to shut up and not let their stupid leak out.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/17/10: “Last night, sleep hit me so hard even the referee kept saying, ‘Don’t get up. Just stay down for the count, dude…'” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/18/10: “I’m not absolutely certain, but I think my liver might have run away from home sometime last night.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/19/10: “You know you’ve had enough to drink when the water in the commode has a foamier head than your beer.” ~ MRS (LKP Day 3)

Merpizm 12/20/10: “It’s okay if you don’t think I’m funny. I don’t think you’re funny either, so we’re even.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/21/10: “There simply isn’t enough coffee to prepare you for what people did on your Facebook wall while you slept.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/22/10: “Don’t ask me questions until you’ve had your coffee. I don’t have time for your stupid this early in the morning.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/23/10: “Yes, the 1st amendment DOES give you the right to be stupid. It also gives me the right to point your stupid out to you.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/24/10: “My pet peeve is people who think their pet peeve is some kind of universal law to which everyone must capitulate.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/25/10: “Trust me. When I want you to take me seriously, you’ll know it.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/26/10: “Forget it. If I have to explain it to you, then you aren’t going to appreciate what I said anyway.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/27/10: “Anonymity is like a prescription drug. Beneficial when used properly, but when abused it’s like a steroid for stupid.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/28/10: “First thing every morning I look at pr0n on the internet. If things still react as they should, I know I’m not dead yet.” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/29/10: “Ever notice that if you aren’t wearing your glasses, fugitive coffee beans on the floor look kinda like rat poop?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/30/10: “Hey, if the fortune cookie says I should have another beer, who am I to argue?” ~ MRS

Merpizm 12/31/10: “Prior to 12/25 a Christmas tree is a festive decoration. After that it’s just a tree inside your house.” ~ MRS

More to come…

Murv

So, I’ve had multiple requests for a “repeat” of the “Gospels of the Bean” updates/tweets from a while back. In fact, I’ve even had folks requesting them for Christmas. Since I’ve been so busy with Luetsencurbenpuken (yes, I still need to post some pictures from 2010) and such, I neglected to have a blog entry ready for this morning… Therefore… Yeah. I’m going to get my lazy on and do a big old copy and paste from the “Gospels of the Bean” text file.

Since I am writing this while pumping bean jooce into myself, AND I will need to go roust the o-spring and redhead very soon, this is going to be pretty haphazard. As in, no particular order. I have a busy day ahead and, besides, you know how my mind works anyway…

WHAT IS COFFEE?

cof-fee [kaw-fee, kof-ee] -noun : decoction of crushed, roasted seeds ingested primarily as a vehicle for caffeine delivery. – I haz some.

COFFEE COMMANDMENTS

“And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God…”

“1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”

“2: You shall not make for yourself a false coffee, such as anything that is in the likeness of decaf.”

“3: You shall not spill the brew of the BEAN in vain.”

“4: Remember the birthday of Saint Juan Valdez, to keep it holy.”

“5: Honor thy roasts, espresso, dark, medium, regular, and all in between.”

“6: You shall not murder after partaking of the brew. Before is okay, after, not so much.”

“7: You shall not drink tea as opposed to coffee, for this act is to commit adultery against the BEAN.”

“8: You shall not steal the coffee of another.”

“9: You shall not falsely accuse thy neighbor of being a cola drinker.”

“10: You shall not covet your neighbor’s Bunn, Krups, Saeco, etc.”

GOSPELS OF THE BEAN

On the third day, Starbuck said to them, “Drink this and you will live, for it is of the BEAN.” Gevalia 42:18

BEAN said,”In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, COFFEE will overcome.” Juan 16:33

And Juan did according to all that the BEAN commanded him. – Gevalia 7:5

When Starbuck partook of the coffee, he bowed down to the ground before the BEAN. – Gevalia 24:52

Starbuck said to the baristas, “Come here and listen to the words of the BEAN your God.” – Starbuck 3:9

“It will produce caffeinated beverages for you, and you will drink the brew of the BEAN.” – Gevalia 3:18

“And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God… 1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”

The angel of BEAN said to me in the diner, ‘Coffee?’ I answered, ‘Yes, please.’ – Gevalia 31:11

“So BEAN created coffee in its own image, in the image of BEAN it created brew; Arabica and Canephora it created them.” – Gevalia 1:27

“So Juan moved his tents and went to live near the mountains, where he built an altar to the BEAN.” – Gevalia 13:18

BEAN said to Coffee, “Where is your brother Espresso?”, “I dunno,” he replied. “Do I look like a Starbucks?” Gevalia 4:9

The Bean said, “It is not good for mankind to be groggy. I will make a caffeinated drink suitable for them.” – Gevalia 2:18

Bean said, “Let there be brew,” and there was brew. Bean saw that brew was good, and separated brew from grounds. – Gevalia 1:3

For coffee so loved the world it gave its one and only brew, that whoever drinks it shall be not foul but have good mood. – Krups 3:16

Brew not, and you shall not have coffee. Drink not, and you shall not be awake. — 2 Juan,  6:37

“Now, my Coffee, may your bean be ground and your caffeine extracted for the drinkers of your brew.” — 2 Starbucks,  6:40

“He who has coffee is better than the coffeeless; and he that drinketh his coffee than he that doesn’t.” – 1 Peaberry, 16:32

“Tea may endure for a night, but coffee cometh in the morning.” — Peaberry 30:5

May the glory of the bean endure forever; may the bean rejoice in its caffeine – 1 Folgers, 2:19

Awaken me, O COFFEE, for your caffeine is kind; With your great stimulant, lead me to the path of consciousness. —Starbuck 69:69

COFFEE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS

Coffee makes all things new again. A public service announcement of the Church of the Latter Day Bean…

PENNANCE

Tea is an Aqueous sin and Cola is both an Aqueous and a Carbonic sin, making it far worse. 24 Hail Peaberries minimum

COFFEE PRAYER

Oh coffee, who art in cup, Java be thy name. Thy espresso shot, rich and hot, just keep the refills a comin’…

Oh coffee, who art in cup, peaberry be thy name. Thy caffeine come, as I swill one, do they have refills in heaven?

COFFEE AFFRIMATIONS

Coffee is great, coffee is good, I’d best go drink some before I’m rude…

Coffee is great, coffee is good. Better give me more before I get rude…

Coffee is great, coffee is good, let us thank it for our mood…

Thou hast raised me from sleep, O coffee; awaken my mind and open my lips, that I may praise Thee, O Holy Trinity- Bean, creamer, and sugar.

Glory be to the bean and to the grinder and to the water, as it was in the beginning, but is now, coffee without end.

Coffee…grant me the strength to pour, the serenity to brew when the pot is empty, and the wisdom to not kill anyone yet.

COFFEE CONFESSIONS

Confession time – I have a little plastic statue of Juan Valdez and his donkey on the dash of my truck…

I like my coffee straight up, no frills. But when I feel a little kinky, I put on one of my wife’s negligees and have an espresso…

FROM THE COFFEE HYMNAL

I like my coffee bay-bee! Hot, fresh, and… well, not so sticky. But strong, yes. Stronger the better. (Rock Candy)

Coffee, coffee, bo boffee, banana bana, fo foffee, fee, fi, mo, moffee! KAW-FEE! (The Name Game)

Have another cup of coffee, but don’t be sloppy, be careful don’t spill it, when you refill it, have another cup of coffee…  (Manic Monday)

COFFEE IS…

Coffee is… The only thing that keeps me from climbing the clock tower with a rifle in the morning.

Coffee is… My Mistress, and damn she’s hot and steamy…

Coffee is… An essential part of the food pyramid.

Coffee is… Do I really need to embellish here?

Coffee is… Not just a good idea, it’s the law.

Coffee is… My own personal Prozac.

COFFEE QUOTES

I need a faster coffee bean juicer…

Coffee… There can be only one.

Coffee… Not just a good idea. It’s a way of life.

If it weren’t for coffee, well then, I guess I’d just have to be an even bigger asshole today…

I love the smell of coffee in the morning… Smells like… burnt coffea canephora berries actually…

It is by coffee alone I set my mind in motion. It is by juice of the bean that thoughts acquire speed, desk stained, cup empty…

Ahhh… Freshly squeezed coffea canephora juice… It just makes the world look so much more… well… tolerable.

Chemicals my ass! Without COFFEE, life itself would be impossible…

COFFEE QUESTIONS

How many beans do you have to squeeze for one cup of coffee?

More to come…

Murv