BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Excuse me for a moment while I try on my best Andy Rooney impersonation…

Ahem…Gargle…Ahem-Ahem…

Okay, here goes…

Have ya’ ever noticed that some people will get hung up on a catch phrase, or a word, and then use it to death?

Okay, well that impersonating thing hurts my throat so I’m gonna stop, but as to the above question, seriously…Have you ever noticed that? Well, obviously I have…

I guess my rant, in this case, is a bit targeted. What I mean is, I am aiming this at food/cooking shows in particular…Especially those on the Food Network, one of my favorite channels…Except for, as you must certainly notice, this little issue here.

There are two utterances in particular that are really starting to get on my nerves. Maybe it is the fact that I make my living with words that I am so sensitive to this, but in any case, here is my beef (do you like how I worked that food reference in there? [grin]).

1) The word “Off” – Now “off” is a fairly specific word meaning the opposite of “on”. Pretty easy to deal with, Not terribly obtrusive when used in its given context. It’s not even that bad when used as a brand name for oven cleaner. However, in the past year or so there has been this movement among those driving the kitchen to append this word to particular cooking verbs that, frankly, are fairly self explanatory. Sure, they might require the additional prefix of “slow” (as in slow roasted) or “pan” (as in pan seared) but they definitely have no need for a meaningless appendage hanging off their backsides dragging them down –

For instance… “First we take some poblano peppers, place them on a baking sheet and roast them OFF…”

Excuse me? Roast them “off” of what? Are you telling me that you want me to roast them under the broiler until they fall off the baking sheet? That really doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense now does it?

Or, as I heard today… “Sprinkle cinnamon and sugar on the flour tortilla then bake it OFF for a few minutes…”

Bake it off? Are we having a contest of which I am unaware? The great tortilla bake-off? Or, am I supposed to bake it until all of the cinnamon and sugar comes off? That will be kind of hard because once the sugar starts to caramelize it will tend to glaze and bond with  the porous tortilla…Therefore, in order to get rid of the sugar I am going to have to burn this thing  beyond recognition, rendering it pretty much inedible…Wouldn’t it be better for me to just shake it so the cinnamon and sugar fall off? Or, here’s an idea – how about if I just don’t put the cinnamon and sugar on it to begin with and I won’t have a need to “insert verb here” it off. Saves time and gets the recipe done faster…

And, I’ve even repeatedly heard… “Then we take the tenderloin [or other cut of meat] and grill it OFF on each side…”

Again I ask, OFF of what? If it falls off the grill and into the coals it might not be all that tasty…if it missed the coals and ends up on the ground…well, let’s not go there. I’ve been there before and let’s just say beef brisket and sand don’t mix unless you are trying to clean your teeth or something…But, that is another story involving a barbecue, too much beer, an unstable Weber kettle, and a rousing game of Frisbee.

You know, I have no clue whatsoever how this trend began… This is merely a guess, but if I had to lay money I would say some tongue tied cook on a show accidentally tagged “off” to the end of something he was saying. Simple mistake, slip of the tongue, all good. BUT (you knew there would be one of those, right?) Some fruit loop heard it and thought “Hey, that sounds cool so I think I’ll start saying it so everyone will think I am some kind of important chef.” (Guess again, it makes you sound like a friggin’ idiot.)

The next thing you know everyone with a cooking show is appending “off” to the ends of their verbs. Honestly, kids, this has gotten waaaaayyyyyyy too ridiculous and out of hand. Drop the off, use the verbs as they are intended, and call it good. You’ll be amazed at how much more sense you will suddenly make.

This brings me to the next problem child…

2) “Flavorful” – Okay. Not a real problem in and of itself. It’s a word. It’s even a viable word that can certainly be used in conjunction with food or ingredients in recipes. It makes perfect sense. If you say it once or possibl;y twice…(although, personally I think once is quite enough…)

From where the idea came that the word “flavorful” was the one and only descriptor to be used while explaining food, I again have no clue. I can only say that I personally first noticed it when I accidentally landed the channel on the Food Network during a show featuring Tyler Florence. I say accidentally because Tyler just isn’t one of my favorites. I’m not a fan. I mean, I’m sure he’s a nice guy and he appears to know his way around the kitchen- he even has a stack of degrees to prove it- but in general his show and recipes simply fail to do anything for me, so I don’t watch him. (No offense intended, Tyler. But, let’s be honest – you probably don’t read my books either, so we’re even.)

Anyway, I digress… The thing is I stopped on that channel and there he was talking about a recipe. Much to my horror, in the span of 15 seconds he said the word “flavorful” 5 times. I think he even said it twice in one sentence.

Then, a short while later I saw him on an Applebees commercial…And there was that word again…I can’t remember for sure but I think he said it at least twice in the 5 second span he was talking, but don’t hold me to that… Even if I’m wrong and he said it only once that was more than enough. He’d already beaten it to death earlier and the fact that he was repeating it was proof enough to me that he was stuck on it and needed a date with a thesaurus.

I mean, even Emeril Lagasse was smart enough to back off on the trademark “BAM” after a while…Yeah, he still does it, but not every two seconds…

So, Tyler…come on. Depending on the particular ingredient there are a whole host of places you can go – delicious, tasty, delicate, savory, juicy, fresh, peppery, zesty, sweet, tangy, and mild, just to name a few…bursting with flavor, full of flavor…hell, even “full-flavored”… But, let’s give “flavorful” a rest, okay? It’s tired. You’ve stretched it way too thin and it just can’t cover the spread any longer…It really wants to go back to its page in the dictionary and take a nap…I, for one, really think you should let it…

Now, the thing that has really gotten under my skin about number two is that since Mister Florence has continued to use this word to to the exclusion of all other adjectives, suddenly some of my favorite folks on Food Network such as Alton Brown have started randomly tossing it out there too. Alton….Dude… Please don’t make me tune YOU out too…That would be a pity because I actually think you are a hoot…

Sooooo…at this point, theoretically, I suppose I should make them a deal…Something like “stop screwing with the language and I’ll stay out of the kitchen…” The problem here is that I am actually schooled to be in the kitchen. Perhaps not as much as they are, but schooled nonetheless… So, that makes it pretty hard for me to offer that deal…However, since there probably isn’t any danger of me getting myself a cooking show anytime soon, I’ll advance this compromise…

Y’all stop beating up the language and I won’t cook on TV.

‘Nuff said…

More to come…

Murv

Well, I don’t honestly know the actual issue. I’ve lost track and I’m just too lazy to go back and look. At any rate, I’m not getting any “real” writing done today because the Munchkin is home with a possible case of Strep Throat. Makes concentrating a bit hard when you have a sick child on the couch and cartoons blaring from the television, if you know what I mean.

So, anyway, since it has been awhile since I’ve posted a FAQ Blog, I thought I’d do something about it. So, without further fuss, here are some of the questions I get in person and in email on a regular basis, along with something resembling answers…

1) Are you and Dorothy Morrison married?

Yes. But we are NOT married to each other. Dorothy is married to a terrific guy by the name of Mark. I am married to a terrific gal named Evil Kat. Well, actually her name is just Kat, but she is kind of Evil, so she does actually answer to EK.

Now, I suppose this question probably stems from the fact the Dorothy and I tour together very often. To put it simply, Dorothy is pretty much like my big sister. We also tend to click when it comes to doing workshops together, and have even been described by some reviewers as a Pagan “Burns and Allen”. So, there you go.

2) Are you and your wife in an open relationship?

Believe it or not, I really do get this question…

Okay…Let’s see how I can answer this… We are open with each other. But, I know that isn’t what you are asking. I can pretty much sum this up in one word. Monogamy.

So, no. My wife and I are not into poly, swapping, free love, yadda yadda. This is not to say we have anything against anyone who is. If that is your schtick, hey, good on ya’. It’s just not for us.

I am sure I will find myself answering this question again. But, there you go…

3) Do you plan to write anything besides the Rowan Gant books?

Yes. I do plan to write other books. When, I have no idea. As long as the demand is there for the RGI series, it gets hard for me to NOT release one per year. Unfortunately, between touring and writing, about one book per year is about all I have time to write at this point.

4) Is there ever going to be a Rowan Gant movie?

I have no clue. It would be very cool, but I don’t have any contracts from any movie studios, so until that happens I’d have to say…yes/no/maybe… (Shrug)…Honestly, I just don’t know.

5) Is the RGI character, Felicity O’Brien, bisexual?

Honestly, this question confuses me. Let me answer it by asking this: At some point during the series has Felicity done something which lead you to believe she might be bi?

If so, please tell me what it is so I can go re-read it myself.

6) Will the RGI character, Ben Storm, ever get back together with his wife?

I have absolutely no idea. He hasn’t said anything about that at this point. If he does, I will be the second to know (he’ll be the first), my pre-readers will be the third, my editor the fourth, and you, the reader, will be number five.

7) When will Rowan and Felicity have children?

When Felicity turns up pregnant and carries full term.

8) What is RGI character Constance Mandalay’s shoe size?

Same as Felicity’s.

I was recently informed that this question was asked as a roundabout way of trying to figure out Constance’s stature in relation to Ben’s. Apparently there was some kind of speculation going on with regard to how the two of them physically interact in the bedroom. (And here all this time I thought I was writing suspense thrillers, not erotica… (shrug)…)

9) Are you a member of any writing/critiquing groups?

I am a member of an online group and many of us are spread out across the country. I have, however, met several of the folks in person.

10) I heard that there is a Rowan Gant based short story being published. Is that true and can I get details?

Yes. I wrote a short story for a horror anthology tentatively titled, Courting Morpheus. It is due out from Apex Publications mid 2008. And, yes, the story I wrote includes a portion of the gang from the RGI series. I will give more details when my editor tells me it’s okay.

That’s it for now… More to come…

Murv