BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I’ll take some heat for this, but hey, when don’t I?

However, before I say what I am going to take heat for, I would like to point out that I am not targeting any single religious group. I’m not actually targeting anyone. I am, however, finding myself confounded by those who who offer up religion – or deity, more specifically – as an excuse. And that goes for any and all religious paths – be the reference aimed at God, Lord and Lady, God and Goddess, Buddha, ad infinitum…

Here’s why…

Friday – GOOD Friday, mind you, just in case you are keeping track – Saint Louis experienced one of the worst tornadoes and storm systems it has in years. Fact is, this whole spring has been wicked for the Midwest and South. Here in STL we’ve had more hail and tornadoes for one season than I can remember. I don’t know if that’s a historical fact. I’m simply relying on my memory. Thing is, it’s been rough. From New Year’s Eve, through February, and on into spring we’ve had tornadoes touching down, and storms rolling through with straight line winds, hail, and all the trimmings. Plenty of damage too…

This past Friday’s storm put down a twister that is currently being estimated at an EF3. It did millions of dollars worth of damage to Lambert STL Airport, which incidentally is where I fly from on a regular basis, and is also just a scant few miles from my house. It all but leveled one subdivision as well, and caused immense amounts of damage to others. This isn’t even counting what it did to the West in Saint Charles County and to the East in Illinois.

Yet, injuries were minor, and so far I’ve heard no reports whatsoever of loss of life. This is a wonderful thing. My way of thinking is that because of technology and connectivity, folks were informed and prepared. We live in a vastly different world than that of 100 years ago. Hell, it’s vastly different than that of when I was a kid my daughter’s age. Back then you really had no idea what was coming until it was right on top of y0u. Now, it’s a whole different story and if you are paying attention to the radio, the TV, the internet, or even your phone, you can take cover with time to spare…

Hey, even E K, the O-spring, and I spent some time hanging out in our basement when the tornado began to cut its swath through our area. We were technically in its path, and they can change direction. Better safe than sorry. Technology. It can save lives. Gotta love it…

But here’s my thing…

No matter where I’ve turned – the news, Facebook, email, in person conversations – I keep hearing things like:

Thank God, nobody was seriously hurt.

Thank the Lord and Lady you’re okay…

etc…

Now, I should mention, I certainly appreciate the sentiments and I am glad that people are glad that I am okay – and that everyone else is okay too.  Trust me, I get it. I appreciate it. I thank you for it. I’m glad that I am okay too. I’m glad that nobody was seriously hurt, be they my friends or even total strangers.

But let’s look at this a bit closer – Since all of these deities – (if one subscribes to the beliefs) – are responsible for everything that happens – (God’s will, Buddha provides, the Lord and Lady have plans for me/you/us/them, ad nauseum…) – they are also directly responsible for raining down said destruction upon us.

So… Why are we thanking them for this? Kinda reeks of a fraternity hazing, doesn’t it? Sorry, but I’m not about to look up to the sky and say, “Thank you, may I have another?”

Nope. The only divine intervention I am seeing here is that of Doppler radar, high resolution satellites, TV, Radio, Internet, and Smart Phones…

What’s that?

Ohh… Well… Umm… Well yeah… You are correct… I will look up at E K and say “Thank you, may I have another,” but that’s a whole different story and we won’t discuss it on a PG rated blog…

More to come…

Murv

PS. Just so nobody gets the wrong idea, I’m very glad everyone is okay, and escaped with only minor injuries, if any at all.  I also feel for those who lost their homes, etc. I’m just not going to ascribe any good fortune to an unseen deity who is also theoretically responsible for the disaster in the first place…

One of the big stories on the news this morning was about the J. Crew “pink toenail” advertisement.  If you don’t know what I am talking about, go here and have a look:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/crew-ad-boy-painting-toenails-pink-stirs-transgender/story?id=13358903

Since I found the outcry to be utterly ridiculous, I figured I’d write a blog about it – I know, that’s exactly what I am doing right now… Guess maybe I need a scholarship to the “University of Duh.”

But moving right along – Then I thought about the fact that I am deeply embroiled in flinging words for fun and profit (i.e., I have a deadline to meet) at the moment, so I’m short on time. Then I thought about the fact that I had sorta already commented on the subject some time back, in a roundabout way mind you, but commented nonetheless.

Therefore, why be redundant?

Below is a blog I wrote back when Brainpan Leakage was hosted on my now non-existent Myspace page. I’m pretty sure that if a man in his late forties can cope with pink toenails, the kid in the J Crew ad can as well. If that statement was too complex for the folks who have a problem with this particular advertisement to understand, let me see if I can put it another way…

Take your gorram homophobic, bigoted, chicken little asses off to your personal corner of stupid land and get over yourselves…

Now, without further barking from yours truly, here’s the original blog entry…

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PINK TOENAILS – Originally published May 2007

Being the marketing whore I am, I belong to several e-lists, forums, and even social networking sites (other than MySpank here). I would like to point out, however, that I am more along the line of a high-priced call-marketer, rather than the street corner quickie. Why? Because I try to show a little class.

I take great pains to avoid being one of those incredibly ridiculous, in your face authors who twists any and all subjects around to a mention of their latest book. For example, say you have a thread where someone says “I like oranges”…If for some odd reason I was to throw my two cents in there, it would be something along the lines of “Yeah, me too. Especially the navel oranges because I don’t like seeds.” Whereas, some of the cheaper, street corner author-whores might seize upon that opportunity to post something like, “Well, if you like oranges you should read my latest novel because in chapter 15, my protagonist, Buck Naked, eats an orange before going out to track down the bad guy, Chronic Halitosis.”

I know…It sounds utterly ridiculous, doesn’t it? Well, even though I have never seen a post specifically about an orange, I have seen some just as convoluted…Some, even worse. We call this Blatant Shameless Self-Promotion. (BSSP or BSP) While self-promotion is an absolute must for authors, being so completely insane about it is…well…just icky.

What in blue blazes does this have to do with pink toenails? Not a damn thing. I just wanted to make it clear that while I’ll readily admit to being a whore, I’m neither cheap nor easy. And, “I gots class.”

Okay…So now that we have established that, back to the topic at hand. Actually, the above really does have some small amount to do with this– that being the fact that I belong to so many different lists, forums, and social networking interfaces on the web. What it comes down to is that I see a whole mess of discussions on a whole mess of different topics. Some of them so-so, some of them interesting.

And there you have it. One of these topics on a forum recently caught my attention. In fact, it has appeared on several forums, and even as commentary/questions in my personal email. While I didn’t feel a need to toss my two cents in on it at the time (nothing had been mentioned about oranges in any of the threads or emails, so why would I?) events of the last day have led me to blog about this subject…

The topic in question was, “What do authors do in their free time?”

Some of the speculation was interesting. People commented about different authors they had met in person, stating that they seemed like down to earth folks who would fit right in with their personal circle of friends. Some wondered if it was a taboo to offer to buy lunch for an author or would you be seen as a stalker (for the record, we like free lunches…but not stalkers.) Others waxed prophetic about how much fun we must be having in our multi-million dollar homes with the indoor-outdoor pools, and high-caliber celebrities coming over for parties. I am sincerely hoping that those commentaries were tongue in cheek, because I have yet to be issued my mansion and yacht…

So, in addition to the “wonder if authors hang out with their friends who knew them before they were authors” kind of questions (yes, we do, BTW), there were the typical “what’s a day in the life of an author like?”

Well…I could ramble on for hours, boring you with the details of getting up in the morning, getting my wife off to work, my daughter off to school, doing dishes. cleaning up cat barf from a geriatric, diabetic feline, spreading notes out on the table and plotting a chapter. Then, typing for a couple of hours, deciding it isn’t right and cutting and pasting for a while, only to go back and write it all over again. Making a fresh pot of coffee while eating a sandwich over the sink…Answering the phone only to discover that it is a radio interview you forgot you were supposed to do but your mouth is full of braunschwieger and swiss on whole wheat with a bread and butter pickle slice…So you wash it down and get on with the interview only to discover that the interviewer has never read your books, or even a synopsis–just two lines of the press release. Therefore, she has concluded that you must be an FBI agent and you spend 11 minutes of the 15 minute interview fielding questions you can’t possibly answer about the inner workings of Quantico while trying to convince her that you do NOT work for the FBI…Finally, you get that done and say to yourself “now where was I?”. You manage to get back to what you were doing (writing…after all, that’s what we do) and if you are lucky you get your self-imposed quota written for the day just in time to get your happy ass into the kitchen and make dinner before evil wife person and the kid get home…And, you do ALL of this without ever once wearing a tweed jacket with elbow patches. (My preferred mode of dress is much classier. Cargo shorts, a t-shirt, tube socks, and if I have to run out to the post office or something, my tan Crocs…See a previous blog for details on those…)

Not very glamorous, eh? Kind of like going to the office, working on a project only to discover the data you got from Fred is wrong, so you have to redo half of it…however, you get interrupted by the boss because he/she needs you to stop what you are doing and take care of something else, even though it is something you aren’t qualified for and would be better done by Sally in accounting. Only to wind up your day picking up a bucket of chicken on the way home because the spouse has to take the kid to soccer practice. But, when you arrive late you discover the dog couldn’t hold it so he crapped in your living room…

See the parallel’s there?

“But, Murv! What the holy hell does this have to do with pink toenails?” you demand.

That should be obvious from paragraph 10. I have a daughter, and she’s at “that age.” No, not the age where she brings boys home and I sit in the living room cleaning guns. That’s a few years off yet. She’s still a munchkin and she is at that stage where she wants to be a girly girl (which is fine) but she also wants everyone around her to be pretty too.

So…What did this author do with his free time yesterday? After doing the grocery shopping and other exciting crap like that, he let his 7 year old daughter paint his toenails pink (along with a good portion of his toes).

My wife claims there’s no nail polish remover to be had in the house. I’m pretty sure she’s lying. I can tell by the evil grin.

Till the next time…

Murv