BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

I suppose I’m a bit of a voyeur in some respects. I think all authors are. We watch the world around us with a kind of personal fascination. Everything we see becomes fodder for a book somewhere along the line. Maybe not right that minute, but perhaps in the future. We tend to log these things away in the darkened corners of our brains just in case we might need them.

I am guess it is because of the whole “voyeurism” thing that I keep tabs on the search phrases and words that land folks at my website and blog. Yeah, sure, it initially started out as one of those optimization things. You know, using tags and keywords that brought me traffic. But, I figured out early on that web-traffic isn’t always good. If it isn’t qualified traffic, it is just eating up your bandwidth for nothing. Kinda like trying to sell a high-end TV to a homeless person. They don’t have money, or even a place to put it, so you’re working a dead lead…

Damn… I’m having a flashback to my days in sales at VideoConcepts… Now I need a drink…

But, let’s see if we can move on… Like I said, I figured out early on that some of this keyword stuff really does you little good. Unfortunately, in some cases, even though it is a valid keyword that actually has plenty to do with the blog post, there are searches going on out there that seize upon it for different reasons, yet again driving unqualified traffic your way. Such was the case with the word “handcuffs”. You see, when I wrote that little piece of Twitter Flash Fiction and posted it here to my blog, it contained the word handcuffs. It also had a picture associated with it. Very suddenly, and without warning, my blog started receiving all kinds of traffic. I mean, insane amounts of traffic. From all over the world, even.

The problem was, all of it was people looking for pictures of handcuffs via Google Image Search. They were never coming to the blog. They were merely hotlinking the image.

Not exactly qualified traffic, know what I mean?

So, anyway, I got that all cleared up by changing some keywords, jpg names, and petitioning google to remove a couple of now-nonexistent links. It took a week or so, but finally it was done.

But, of course, the handcuffs aren’t why I called you here today. You see, since I skulk around peeking through virtual curtains and the search phrases which bring folks to my blog, I thought maybe I’d share a few of the more esoteric entries with you. So, here goes…

• Clark Kent

Why Superman’s alter ego brought someone to my blog I have no idea.

• John Glenn Moon 1962

John Glenn I understand. I did, after all, write a blog on my birthday which mentions him rather prominently given that I was born on the day he orbited the Earth in Friendship 7. However, simply reading that phrase makes me wish I had a slice of the action, because my guess is that someone was trying to verify facts for a bet. BTW, NO Virginia, John Glenn never went to the Moon. Now pay up.

• Bound Pentagram Sacrifice Nude Virgin

I’m sure all of these words connected up with various key elements of the sample chapters from the RGI series I have here on the site. But, something tells me that’s not what they were looking for, and that just scares me.

• Wife In Stockings
• Sagging Stockings
• Women In Seamed Stockings
• feeling your stockings

Of course, all of these landed on the page “Fool For Your Stockings...” from the Mahwage blog series. Again, I don’t think that’s what these Googlers were looking for…

• how to deal with a pain in the ass wife

This one brought the searcher to “E K Is A Real Pain In My Ass…” for obvious reasons. I have to wonder if his so called “pain in the ass wife” checks his search history when he isn’t around. If she does and ends up back here she needs to contact E K. Something tells me The Evil One could give her some pointers on how to deal with her “pain in the ass husband”.

• “regular housewife”

My guess is, this is what the numb-nuts above is looking for. But where’s the fun in that?

• I damaged my ass
• what is pain on my butt
• pains in my right ass cheek
• my butt aches after I take a crap

I like to call these the “pain in the ass” searches. Again, they ended up at the most recently mentioned entry, which I am sure was of no help to them whatsoever. But (pun intended with extreme prejudice) I have to say, I’m a bit concerned for the person whose butt aches after defecation. That doesn’t sound good at all… I have to admit I’m also just a bit curious about the “I damaged my ass” person.

• nathan fillion practical jokes

This one had me momentarily stumped until I remembered I had written a blog about Fillion’s new show, Castle…

• bad ass bitch in heels
• devil angel redhead
• devil woman
• heels, ass, biker

Where the whole “biker” thing came in, I have no idea. But, these quite obviously landed the Googlers on just about anything where E K is mentioned, but most especially the “Somehow Satan Got Behind Me…” blog, due to the included “devil woman” graphic. I’m sure they were looking for much more explicit pictures and didn’t really find anything that fit what they REALLY wanted, but if they took time to read the blog entries themselves… Well… They might be afraid now. I know I would be.

• sindromul edison
• pagkain

What good would a search keyword log be without some gibberish as translated from another language. Other than Edison (This is Edison Carter… blog entry…) I have no clue what they were after…

• novel peanut butter dan jelly

My kid used to watch a cartoon called P B and J Otter. But, I can’t imagine there being a novel. Also, I am going to assume that is supposed to be “and jelly”… Because if it’s actually supposed to be “Dan Jelly”… Well… Given the possible connotations, I just don’t wanna know… At least they didn’t type in jam…

• before after combover makeover

I’ll go bald before I do a combover. Enough said.

• ass animation
• Butt Cheek Images
• men getting spanked

Here we have the second round of “ass searches” which brought folks to the “E K Is A Real yadda yadda…” blog, again quite obviously because of that lovely three letter word. I grouped them together for that very reason, although I think #3 had a something different in mind as compared to #’s 1 and 2. In this case, due to the joke and cartoon at the beginning, #3 might have actually found what he or she was after…

Something I found to be of particular note is the fact that the vast majority of the searches for #3, or some permutation thereof, such as “women who spank” or “wifes (sic) spanking husbands” come out of the UK, France, and Italy, in that order.  At least, that’s what the IP addresses say. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

• Paranormally Warped

Unknown to this poor internet searcher, all he or she needed to do was type in M. R. Sellars to get this… Of course, it doesn’t matter. All paranormal warpedness leads straight to me anyway…

• Satan Poke Poor Soul

I have theories, but they make my brain hurt…

So, there you have it… Yet another round of Google weirdness that brings people right here to Murv Weirdness.  I guess those search engines actually do work…

More to come…

Murv

Got your attention, didn’t I?

Well, don’t start covering your eyes just yet. There’s a good story behind that selection for the title. But then, there always is, isn’t there?

So, I think we have pretty well established that I had myself a haircut. If anyone is just now coming into this and doesn’t know about it, go back a few entries and look at the pictures.  Better yet, just click here – Murv Makeover. I had the 20 year ponytail lopped off and a new “do” sculpted atop the braincase. Rumor has it I look younger. Don’t know if that’s true, but what the hell, I’ll take it…

Now, if you’ve been a regular reader of Brainpan Leakage, and I’m talking even way back to the original Myspace Blog Platform days, then you are also familiar with my views on art. If not, read about it here – Murv’s Views On Art.

Okay, all caught up? Good.

So, by now I am sure you are wondering what my curmudgeonly views on art and a haircut have to do with one another. Why do I say that? Because it seems y’all wonder an awful lot whenever I tell a story. Wonder why that is?

Okay, okay… I’ll get on with it. I have a friend – quit snickering… I actually have several friends believe it or not… So, anyway, I have a good friend who is an artist. No, not the guy who does bookcovers. A different person. A girl person. Someone I went to high school with, in fact.

Every now and then I get an email from Celeste telling me that she has a piece or two in an art show, or that she has a showing at a coffee house, or something like that. Now, Celeste actually does art I can appreciate, unlike that which I ramble about in the above linked blog entry. Unfortunately, as life and timing would have it, every time I hear from her about a show, it is falling on a day when I will be in West-Whatchamacallit doing a signing, therefore I never seem to be able to attend. Because of this, I haven’t actually seen Celeste in a couple of years.

Fast forward to this past Friday night. I had received a note from my friend that she had a piece in an art show at the gallery over at Meramec College. I checked my schedule and voila, I was going to be in town. So, E K, the offspring and I decided we would go to the gallery and surprise Celeste.

We arrived and wandered around, looking at various pieces of sculpture, paintings, and all manner of stuff. I kept searching through the crowd for my friend. Eventually, I spotted her across the gallery. Telling E K, I skirted around the folks and made my way over to where Celeste was standing. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, she turned and was walking away right about the time I arrived on her side of the room.

So, what did I do? Well, since there were hushed conversations going on all around me and the atmosphere seemed a bit libarary-ish, I reached out and poked her right in the back of the neck with my index finger before she could get away. Of course, she immediately turned to see what, or who, had touched her.

This is where the haircut comes in. Remember, Celeste hadn’t seen me for a couple of years, and she doesn’t really follow my blog.

My friend started out with a curious look on her face, as one would expect. This quickly morphed into a furrowed brow, which was even more rapidly replaced by a scowl and glare.

Yeah, she was standing there staring at me with an if looks could kill expression that said in no uncertain terms, “Who the hell are you and why the fuck did you touch me you pervert?!”

It took better than 5 seconds – maybe even ten – before the scowl disappeared and recognition spread over her face as she yelped, “Murv!” and gave me a hug. Good thing too, because I starting to think she was going to hit me.

I guess the moral of the story here is, don’t get your hair cut then go around arbitrarily touching people, no matter how long you’ve been friends.

Still… It was priceless. I really wish I’d had a camera.

More to come…

Murv