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  • Oh, The Weather Outside Is…

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    Yeah, okay, so it’s not exactly frightful just yet, but it is well on its way to being just that. However, here in Saint Louis it has been chilly, a bit damp, and all around blustery. And, when the temperatures fall, the wind blows, and cold water falls out of the sky, it is time for certain comfort foods to make it all bearable. As I’ve outlined in previous blogs, the kitchen in our home is my purview and the responsibility of putting said comfort foods on the table falls squarely upon me.

    Evil Kat SpeaksOf course, you all know that task comes with an added twist – I also have to make sure that the comfort food meets with Her Grand Exalted Highness Evil Kat’s expectations, lest I be chained up in the basement and ruthlessly tortured with garden tools and the like.

    Fortunately for me, there are a few comfort foods that actually make the evil redhead almost crack a smile. Not quite, but almost.

    I’ve discovered her favorites through trial and error – sometimes more error than trial, because E K doesn’t give you an opportunity to defend yourself. She just punishes you until you get it right, so I still have a few scars. But, these days I usually get beat for something besides my cooking.

    So, in case you have an Evil Redhead, Wicked Blonde, or Badass Brunette you need to please, or if you are just looking for some quick – or sometimes not so quick – recipes for comfort foods to drive the cold winter away, I might be able to help. Yeah… Just for fun I thought maybe I’d share a few of E Kay’s faves with you over the course of the next couple of months.

    And, just because I can – and because it’s been chilly – I’m going to start with one of the tops on her list, that being, of course, Chili.

    Now, before I get into the recipe proper I need to clarify a couple of things:

    1. Chili purists will tell you this isn’t really chili because it has beans in it. E K will not consume chili that does not have beans in it. I am not about to argue with her about that, as I value my life too much. Besides, the basement is cold, damp, and no one can hear you scream, except E K…
    2. My good buddy Dorothy Morrison will tell you this isn’t really chili because it has BLACK beans and corn in it. To this day I have no clue what black beans and corn did to get on her bad side, but let me tell you – don’t ever, and I mean ever, mention black beans and corn  in the same sentence around her. Same thing goes for sun dried tomatoes. The resulting rant is well… just plain scary. 😉
    3. Finally, I am going out on a limb and making the assumption that if you try this at home you already know your way around the kitchen so I’m not going to teach you how to cook here, just give you a recipe.

    So, on with said recipe…

    Chili E Kay’s Way

    A Midwestern Style Chili To Soothe An Evil Redhead

    (Prep time: 10 min – Cooking time: 20 min – Serves 4 to 6)

    Ingredients:

    1 lb Ground Turkey (Can use Ground Beef if desired)

    3/4 Cup Frozen Yellow Corn Kernels

    1 Can (14.5 oz) Diced Tomatoes

    2 Cans (14.5 oz each) Black Beans, Drained

    1 Large Yellow Onion, Chopped (Coarse or Fine, your preference)

    2 Tbsps Finely Chopped Jalapeño Pepper

    4 Tbsps Finely Chopped Pickled Sweet Banana Peppers

    3 Tbsp Vinegar (From Sweet Pickled Peppers)

    Seasoning:

    1 1/2 Tbsp Chili Powder

    1 Tbsp Paprika

    2 tsp Cumin

    1 Tbsp Raw Sugar (AKA Turbinado Sugar)

    1 1/2 tsp Ground Cinnamon

    1 Tbsp Ground Banana Pepper Flakes

    1 Tbsp Ground Mild Chili Pepper Flakes

    Preparation:

    Personally, I prepare this dish in a large, stainless steel skillet, but then I do quite a bit of my cooking in a skillet – be it stainless steel, cast iron, Calphalon, or Chantal, as I have all of the above.

    Start by combining all of the seasonings in a small bowl and mixing them well – set aside. Then, chop the peppers and onions and generally do your prep work, of course.

    Begin the E Kay’s Chili by browning the ground turkey. If you elect to use ground beef instead, after browning drain the grease before continuing. Once the meat is browned, reduce heat then add all of the chopped peppers and onions. Sweat peppers and onions with browned meat until slightly translucent, raise heat and add vinegar. This will allow you to deglaze the pan. Add the spice mixture set aside earlier and mix throughout. Add frozen corn kernels and canned tomatoes (with liquid) and stir together. Reduce heat and simmer 5 to 10 minutes. Add drained black beans and mix well. Simmer until beans are heated through.

    Serve hot with shredded cheese (Colby-Jack is E Kay’s preference) and a dollop of sour cream.

    ChiliSome points of note – I transfer the finished chili into a casserole dish when it is done in order to make it easier to serve.

    You will also notice that there really isn’t much fire behind this chili – that’s pretty much because E K is as hot as it gets so she doesn’t need any more heat. However, if you are like me you might want to spice it up a bit. I embellish mine “in the bowl” with added Jalapeño Peppers and some of my homemade hot salsa. If I’m really in the mood for hot (other than E K, of course) I’ll toss a little ground Habanero in there too. You can certainly increase the “heat” skillet side for the whole batch should you so desire.

    Finally, the ground mild chili pepper flakes and ground sweet banana pepper flakes could be a minor issue for some of you, as in having them on hand. I garden, and have friends who garden, so I tend to dry and grind such items myself. However, you can easily find the above dried peppers in the ethnic foods section of your local grocery store, and a quick spin in a coffee grinder – everyone has a coffee grinder specifically for their spices, correct? – will render them to the state required. Just be warned, they are usually sold in large packages, and while not very expensive, you will end up with quite a few dried peppers on hand.

    And there you have it… Chili E Kay’s Way. I even came up with a catchy slogan in case I ever want to market it…

    “It’s good to eat, and you won’t get beat…”

    More to come…

    Murv

  • Dude, She Doesn’t Have Any More…

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    I have a hobby.

    No… Not the one where I dress up in my wife’s lingerie and sing “I’m So Pretty” while playing badminton with the mushroom tripping squirrels in the back yard.

    Errr… Ummm… Forget I ever said that, okay?

    But seriously, I do have a hobby. A couple of them, in fact, and if book sales don’t pick up soon the IRS is going to consider my profession a hobby as well. But, that a different story…

    The particular hobby in question here, however, is Home Brewing. Yeah, the making of drinkable fermented beverages such as Beer, Wine, and Mead. For someone who enjoys cooking as much as I do, well, brewing seemed like a no-brainer in the hobby department. Now, the truth is I don’t get to engage in my hobbies as much as I once did. This whole writing, touring, promotional marketing of oneself thing takes up far more time than I ever imagined it would. But, I still brew up a batch of Beer or Mead when I have some downtime and I’m looking for a fun activity.

    Before we go any further here, I suppose I should define Mead for Brainpan Leakage readers who don’t happen to know what it is… Mead is basically a wine. In its purest form it is nothing more than Honey, Water, and Yeast. Mix Honey and Water, boil, skim off impurities, cool, add Yeast, allow to ferment. From there things can get a bit interesting with variations on the old standby – these being Pyments (fermented with grape juice as an adjunct), Melomels (Meads containing fruit), and Metheglins (Meads containing spices and/or herbs)…

    Miranda Label 001 I have made all varieties of Meads over the years. I have even made Meads fortified with other alcohols, and named after characters in my books. Most notably, Miranda Mead.

    Emblazoned upon the risque label, Miranda Mead carried with it a tagline which read: Guaranteed to hurt you…  Bad… (Yes, I know, It should be badLY. It’s a label, gimme a break…)

    Beneath this was an explanation which went on to outline exactly why those of us involved in the bottling of this particular Mead thought such (which is, of course, why it was named after Miranda in the first place, what with the character being a homicidal dominatrix and all…)

    Miranda Label 002

    Of course, those eagle eyed among you probably noticed the words “Felicity O’Brien Sweet Dessert Mead.” Well, yes, that was the base for the Miranda Mead, what with their intimate connection and all. We won’t go into that here since some of you blog readers may not have read that far in the series just yet. So, the long and short of it is, yes, I created a recipe for a special Sweet Mead which was named after Felicity. Its label even contained the O’Brien Coat of Arms.

    OBRIEN At this point I should add an important disclaimer so that I don’t end up getting a mess of email about this – None of this Mead is for sale or commercially available. It is home brewed for personal use, so please DO NOT even ask. It ain’t gonna happen. Hell, my brother-in-law is an ATF agent, so breaking that particular set of laws would be a doubly stupid move on my part now wouldn’t it?

    So… Now that you are armed with the above information, I have a confession to make… No, not the thing with the lingerie… What I need to admit here is that I really cannot stand Mead. Seriously. It just isn’t my thing. There are a few meads I have had that are drinkable – Miranda Mead being one of them, Moniak another, and a Hot Ginger Mead made by a friend of mine the third. But if given the choice I’d reach for a beer instead. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with mead. It’s just not my thing.

    So, I am sure you are wondering why I would bother to brew something I don’t particularly like. Well, that’s simple. I make it so that I have it on hand for my friends because several of them really do like it.

    A lot.

    In fact, I have one friend in particular who will crawl naked across shards of broken glass, layered on top of hot coals in an unmapped mine field while being chased by starving Basset Hounds just so he can kiss E Kay’s arse to get some… (Some Mead, that is… Not some… Well… You know…)

    Yeah… You heard me. He sucks up to E K who wouldn’t even know where to start in the process of making Mead. Remember the Tuna Helper incident? She may be the Queen Bitch of the Whole F*cking Universe, but she knows better than to mess around in the kitchen. She has a lackey for that sort of thing, namely moi.

    Still, that simple fact doesn’t stop Mike… Just the other day we were having a BBQ and there he sat on our back deck nursing what dregs were left of a bottle of Felicity O’Brien Mead. Just for the record, he has almost single handedly wiped out the entire batch, which means it is time for me to make more. Not that I mind in the least. I’m ecstatic that he likes it so much… But I digress… (So what’s new about that?)

    You see, he had no more finished the last swig from the bottle than he looked up at E K and said, “I really can’t believe that you are XX years old.”

    “What?” E K asked, blue fire kindling in her eyes at the very idea that someone might be implying she is a liar.

    “You don’t look a day over 40,” Mike returned.

    “Dude, you’re in trouble now. She’s only 27,” I told him. Unfortunately, my bid to trip him up fell on deaf ears.

    “42, tops,” he continued, totally unfazed.

    E K, not sure what to make of this, went inside and stood in front of the liquor cabinet angrily tapping her foot until someone had the presence of mind to crawl into the kitchen, mix a drink, and present it to her with much ceremony and the appropriate level of deference to her status as Eebil Queen. Satisfied for the moment, she returned to the deck with her Vodka-Tonic in hand.

    “37,” Mike announced before she’d even stopped moving. “You’re just gorgeous. You don’t look a day over 37.”

    “Dude… A minute ago you said 42,” Johnathan jibed.

    “Yeah, right,” E K replied, then took a sip of her drink.

    You could hear the amusement in her voice, but at the same time you could see in her eyes that she was basking in the glow of his effusive Redhead worship. Still, those of us who know E K well were perfectly aware of the fact that she was trying to figure out what was handy that she could beat him with in case he slipped up and said the wrong thing.

    I wandered down the stairs to the grill and flipped the Bratwursts, then closed the lid and made my way back up to the picnic table. It had been quiet for a few minutes now, but I had no more planted my rear on a seat than Mike looked up at E K and began to gesture.

    “Look at her,” he announced. “I’m telling you this woman is absolutely gorgeous. She doesn’t look a day over 35.”

    “Did anyone else notice that the number keeps going down?” Johnathan asked.

    “Johnathan,” E K replied coolly. “Do you really want me to knock you down and stomp on you?”

    “No ma’am,” he replied.

    “I didn’t think so,” she observed, then turned her attention back to Mike. “You were saying?”

    Mike became even more animated than his normal cartoonish self. “I was saying you’re just gorgeous. You don’t look a day over 32… No… Make that 30. Not a day over 30…”

    Now, remember where we left off folks – 30… This will be important later in the story…

    It was at this particular moment that I spied the empty bottle of Felicity Mead and realized what he was doing. As it happens, his wife, Anastasia, was on the same wavelength with me – what with us both being a little brainpan bent and all – and she spoke up before I had a chance.

    “Mike,” she told him. “You’re sucking up to the wrong person. Kat didn’t make the Mead, Murv did.”

    “I’m not after more Mead,” he objected.

    “Yeah, right,” Anastasia replied. “Sure you aren’t.”

    “Really,” he persisted.

    E K took another sip of her drink and like the ice-cold, redheaded assassin woman she is, went in for the kill. You could see the giddiness in her eyes as she told him, “It’s all gone, Mike.”

    “It’s all gone?” He asked.

    She nodded then grinned her evil grin. “Yes. All gone.”

    mead “Yeah, dude,” I added. “She doesn’t have anymore. You drank it all.”

    He was quiet for a minute then countered with, “Well, that’s okay. I wasn’t trying to get more Mead anyway. I’m serious, just look at her. She really and truly doesn’t look a day over 40…”

    To this day, Mike swears he wasn’t sucking up in order to get more Mead, but I’m a little suspect of that, given how the years seemed to melt away from the Evil One without the help of Botox or even Oil of Olay.

    Not that she needs any years to melt away, trust me. And I’m definitely not just saying that so she won’t stomp on my head. It doesn’t matter, because she’ll find a reason to stomp on me anyway.

    The thing is Mike was so close to the prize it was scary – There was actually another bottle of Mead in the house and if he’d ratcheted her age down to 25 or so she just might have given it to him.

    More to come…

    Murv