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  • It’s All In How She Said It…

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    I have literally lost track of the number of emails, tweets, Facebook & Myspace comments, and other communications I have received from folks following the deployment of the “Gimme Mai Shooz” blog post. In all honesty, I never expected that story to go as “viral” as it did. Granted, it was a weak virus that played out quickly, but it was probably the first blog post I have ever written that was re-tweeted and linked to from other blogs/sites more times than I could count.

    And, who knows, maybe the virus is merely dormant for a short period. I suppose it could re-awaken and spread some more. I mean, it definitely is a funny story.

    However, the purpose of this particular blog entry is to address the adjunct “virus” that came along with the post itself – that being the plethora of faux bets on the how and when of my demise for publicly retelling the story in the first place. This is where all of the emails, tweets, comments, etcetera, come into play. I had thrown the “want to play Clue and start a pool?” comment out as a joke, but folks picked it up and ran with it. Not something I really expected, but I don’t suppose I should have been surprised. And besides, it was fun to watch.

    There were plenty of the old standby ideas submitted:

    • E K in the kitchen with a knife…
    • E K in the dining room with a poison sandwich…
    • E K in the driveway with her car…

    There were even a couple that left me wondering:

    • E K with a cheese grater and razor wire…
    • E K with Dr. Pepper in the bathtub…

    I’m not entirely sure if that second one was a “Dr. Pepper bath” type of Beauty Tip, or if the intention was to use the carbonic & phosphoric acids in the soda to dissolve my remains. In addition to the Clue-like wagers, there were even several suggestions for torture and punishment. I’m not entirely certain that the majority of those suggestions actually fit the crime… In fact, I think maybe some folks have seen way too many episodes of the “Jack Bauer Show” .

    Still, when it came to bets on how I would meet my end for embarking on this horrible transgression, the suggestion I received most, and the odds on favorite method for my death was:

    • E K somewhere in the house with stiletto heels [add description here]

    – The somewheres tendered for consideration ranged anywhere from her shoe closet to just about any other room you could imagine, including some we don’t even have.

    – The stiletto heels varied quite a bit in color and style. (Obviously the fashion statement was just as important as my demise.)

    – The [add description here] AKA “method” by which the deadly footwear would be used to affect my untimely death varied only slightly and always involved an enormous amount of gleeful stomping and grinding on E Kay’s part, and even more bleeding and suffering on my part.

    The evolution of authorityNot surprisingly, 100% of the death by high heels suggestions came from women. At first, I assumed that all of these ladies had read the RGI Miranda Trilogy, since that happened to be how a particular victim met his demise at the hands… well, feet actually… of a sociopathic killer dominatrix. Then I discovered that several of them had not yet read that far in the series.

    That was a bit of a surprise…

    What was really shocking to me, however, was the obvious delight most of them took in outlining the details of the scenario for me. There seemed to be a whole vicarious thrill built around it. Some of them even seemed to have spent quite a bit of time dwelling on it… Like maybe even before the whole blog ever happened, if you know what I mean… I even kind of had the feeling I was suddenly becoming a virtual surrogate for some husbands and boyfriends out there who had committed various infractions over the years.

    Kinda scary… Kinda really scary, actually…

    Because of that, I hope you ladies realize I’m going to be maintaining a safe distance from here on out… Especially if you show up at one of my book signings wearing high heels. :shock:

    So, anyway, there’s something y’all probably need to know. E K really and truly is an extremely laid back gal. Very little fazes her, and her Evil persona in my blogs is for the most part satire. Now, this is not to say that she won’t tap dance on someone’s head if they cross her, because she definitely will. I’ve seen her do it. I even have pictures. And, I’m also not saying that she isn’t on the dominant side, because that would be a lie.  She is very much the alpha female. And, in our relationship I’m the clown in the mailroom and she’s the CEO – actually, she prefers to be referred to as The Queen, but let’s not take that side road… My point here is she actually knows about my blogs in advance. Maybe not the exact wording and such, but she definitely knows which stories are being told. So, in essence I really had little to fear – from her, anyway. The rest of you twisted women… Well…  I’m not so sure…

    At least, that’s what I thought…

    You see, as it happens E K gives pretty amazing back walking massages – trust me, that’ll make sense in a minute if it doesn’t already. I figure she was probably a Geisha or something of the sort in a previous life,  – (Egads, please don’t email me and tell me I’ve offended someone with the whole Geisha thing… I realize it’s a whole cultural thing and that I’m probably just focusing on a hyped aspect or something, but give me a break…) – My point being that with sitting in front of a keyboard as much as I do, I will get a crick in my back every now and again. Whenever seeing the Chiropractor isn’t affordable time-wise or money-wise, and E K notices me twisting and stretching quite a bit, she asks with much wifely compassion and concern, “Is your back hurting? Do you want me to walk on it for you?” Then she’ll go all “E K-Geisha” on me and run up and down my back a few times while it goes POP! CRACK! SKRUNCH! After that I’m all good. She really and truly does have a talent for it. Trust me, I’m not the only person for whom she’s done this. She could probably get you testimonials without even threatening anyone.

    Anywho, such was the case Saturday evening… As in, the Saturday evening immediately after the blog had been going a bit viral…

    I should have known something was up when instead of the normal concerned question, her offer to pop my back came out a bit differently this time. With more than just a bit of a wicked grin and an evil twinkle in her eyes the redhead pretty much issued the following order, in no uncertain terms –

    Lay down and I’ll step on you…”

    I didn’t notice her shoes until it was already too late.

    I blame you ladies and your suggestions. :lol:

    More to come…

    Murv

  • Looks Like Kansas, Smells Like Kentucky…

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    Please note that this is not NPR. However, I would like to welcome you to Morning Edition

    Day 2 of 2009: A WillyCon Odyssey (The following takes place between the hours of 5:30AM and 12:00PM. Events occur in real time) <— I tried to get Sutherland for that bit of narration, but he was busy….

    5:30 AM – AWAKE!

    @mrsellars – There is no java in my room and the Student Center doesn’t open til 7… Oh, Coffee, why hast thou forsaken me?


    @mrsellars – Watching morning TV in Wayne NE… Original Adam West Batman movie on… O_o

    @mrsellars – Local news is well… Local. Rather be watching @VirginiaKerr and @PaulCooked…


    @mrsellars – Jeez… I’m pretty sure I have socks older than that news anchor…


    6:30 AM

    @mrsellars – @cellphone: boop, boop, beep, bahp, beep, beep, boop, bahp, bahp, beep, boop… Ring… Ring… Ri!

    @EK – Hmnomnip?

    @mrsellars – Are you up?

    @EK – Yam nonno nam nip mmm.

    @mrsellars – Okay, just making sure. Didn’t want you to oversleep since I’m not there to wake you up like usual.

    @EK – Uhmm nimna hibbit nomma.

    @mrsellars – Okay, I’ll let you go then. Love you.

    @EK – Wubtoo moo.


    @mrsellars – Shower. Check… As coach Verby used to say, “Clean minds, clean bodies.” Well… At least my body is clean.


    @mrsellars – Students call cafeteria here the “Gag”. Funny… Noms here are wayyyy better than when I was in College thir-koff-koff years ago.

    @mrsellars – Srsly. Noms here really good. A ton to choose from too. Sandwich bar, tostada bar, soups, prepared meals of the day, etc… And they switch up all the time according to what I’m told.

    @mrsellars – Had Swiss steak (Northern version = mushroom soup instead of tomatoes and onions, but not bad), steamed veggies, and a salad for dinner last night.

    @mrsellars – Salad bar even had beets and unsalted sunflower seeds. How cool is that?

    @mrsellars – Looking forward to good noms for breakfast.


    @mrsellars – Someone above my head is moving furniture…

    @mrsellars – Hmmm… That thud didn’t sound good.

    @mrsellars – Wonder if there was a body involved?

    @mrsellars – Why yes, now that you ask, everything REALLY IS book material.


    @mrsellars – Local weather dude calling for foot of snow, blowing drifts, whiteout conditions.

    @mrsellars – SF faculty advisor tells me they’ve been hearing stuff like that for the past couple of weeks and it never comes to fruition.

    @mrsellars – Maybe their weather guy needs to talk to Matt Chambers in STL… Pick up a few pointers.


    @mrsellars – Hmmmm. Is it Nebraska or is it the fact that it’s a college campus? Man in shorts when 24 degrees not fazing anyone.

    @mrsellars – Of course, students are wandering about in t-shirts and ripped jeans. I probably fit right in.


    @mrsellars – Familiar odor lingering on the air as I walk to student center. Cow manure. Smells like back home in Kentucky.

    @mrsellars – {attack of nostalgia}{wistful sigh}


    @mrsellars – Morning noms good. Eggs, pancakes, sausage, mini blueberry muffin, and COFFEE!

    @mrsellars – Wonders what these kids would have called the cafeteria where he went to college. :-/

    @mrsellars – Hmmm. Place looks almost empty. [Looks Around]

    @mrsellars – Oh, wait… A couple of the SF club students I met last night are sitting over there. I should probably sit with them so they don’t think I’m full of myself or something.

    @mrsellars – Walkies…

    @mrsellars – @students_at_table: Good morning!

    @student_1 – [STARE]

    @student_1 – Goom nana. Ermm.

    @student_2 – [STARE]

    @student_2 – Grunt.

    @mrsellars – @students_at_table: How’s it goin’?

    @student_1 – Nerm goona, arbba tay. Ar ermmm. Nib.

    @student_1 – [STARE]

    @student_2 – [STARE]

    @mrsellars – Umm… Yeah… Klattu Verada Nikto.

    @mrsellars – [move to end of table. Enjoy morning noms in silence]

    @mrsellars – Remembers his college days… Silently empathizes with the two students.


    @mrsellars – Visited with faculty advisor. Signed book. Signed poster. Got more free nom passes for cafeteria.


    @mrsellars – SCORE! Found coffee shop on campus. I haz large StarMakeABucks in hand. Life is good.


    @mrsellars – Dorm room is about 12 x 24. Two smoke detectors. Must be looking for some pretty sneaky smoke…


    ON TWITTER:

    @mrsellars – Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

    @ perryplatypus – @mrsellars GrRrrRRrRrrRRRrRRrrRr

    @mrsellars – Bwuhahahahaha! That just never gets old…


    BACK TO PSEUDO TWITTER:

    @mrsellars – Temp at 5:30 AM – 24… Now, at 10:30 AM – 44. Supposed to hit 57 before it starts into a nosedive. Then the white shit falls on our heads.

    @mrsellars – Camera is loaded and ready.


    @mrsellars – Fox squirrels EVERYWHERE. Fat bastards too. Used to see them in MO, but all I ever see there these days are the smaller greys.

    @mrsellars – Named one of the reds Skippy this morning. He sat with me and ate acorns while I drank coffee. No shit. Damn near right next to me.

    @mrsellars – Tamer than the family of greys I feed at home, and they’re pretty damn tame, so that says something.

    @mrsellars – Prevailing theory – the squirrels buddy up to students and sell them the answers to exams. Squirrels are sneaky like that.


    @mrsellars – Taking camera with next time.


    @mrsellars – You know… Now that I think on it, animals can predict weather even better than Matt Chambers…

    @mrsellars – My “country boy sense” is saying these little farts are telling us the sky really is going to dump on us tomorrow.

    @mrsellars – #fuckme


    11:30 AM

    @mrsellars – Coffee empty. Library with coffee shop across campus… Go for more, or relax for a bit and get some when I go for noontime noms?

    @mrsellars – Decisions, decisions…


    And there you have the morning edition…

    More to come…

    Murv