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  • 50 Rules For Readers…

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    Over the years I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think pedantic books, blogs, and other such aggregations of verbiage on the subject of “How To Write” are the worst kind of ridiculous. This is one of the reasons that whenever I find myself writing a blog of said type, it is far from pedantic and delivered with tongue planted firmly in cheek – even if the advice happens to be sound.

    The simple fact of the matter is that once you learn the mechanics of word usage, grammar, etc, you are done. From that point on either you have the talent or you don’t. No set of rules, book, or sage advice from King, Leonard, Sellars, ad nauseum is ever going to turn you into a writer. You can either write, or you can’t. It’s that simple. Other than the basic conventions of grammar – which can be broken when necessary – there are no rules.

    This, however, doesn’t stop people from prattling on about such advice and the like. They simply cannot get the idea of “no rules” through their skulls. In fact, the whole “How To Be A Writer” book industry is a big one, filled with charlatans out to make a quick buck. If I was smart I would pen one of these tomes myself and make a million dollars fleecing folks who sincerely believe a book about writing will turn them into a novelist.

    But then, I’m a novelist by trade, not a money grubbing asshole. For me, being an asshole is just a hobby and I have no desire to muck about with my amateur status in that department.

    So… Why am I going on about this?

    Well, you see, I recently ran across a Tweet that contained a link to a blog. Said blog entry that was being touted happened to be “50 Don’ts For Writers.” I followed the link out of curiosity. In reality, the folks behind the blog had 40 rules and they wanted their readers to come up with the other 10.  Sort of a marketing gimmick to get more traffic to their blog.

    Ostensibly, these were rules for writers that were created by readers.

    Now, some of these rules – a very small percentage of them, mind you – were common sense. Of course, I realize that not everyone has common sense, which in its own way would seem to lend credence to such a list of rules. However, here’s a newsflash: Just like talent, you can’t teach common sense either.

    I know. That truly sucks, but it’s a fact of life. You’ve either got common sense, or you don’t. Deal with it.

    The majority of these “rules,” however, were the personal pet peeves and whiny demands based upon those pet peeves of the bloggers involved. The only rule that really made an iota of sense – including those few that were common sense to begin with – was something akin to:

    “You’re the artist (writer). Ignore these rules and write the book you want to write.”

    I’m paraphrasing a bit because I really don’t feel like looking up the link and wading through the whiny drivel all over again, but you get the drift.

    At any rate, after reading this lunacy I decided that if readers really felt they had some sort of inalienable right to start issuing sets of rules that writers are supposed to follow, perhaps we writers should do the same – in reverse, of course. Therefore, after thinking long and hard about the subject, I came up with the following “50 Rules For Readers.”

    50 Rules For Readers

    1. If you don’t like the book you are reading that’s fine. Not every book will appeal to every person. So, your best bet is to quit complaining, put it down, and pick up a different book. There are plenty of them out there from which to choose. If you keep reading a book you don’t like it’s not the  author’s fault, it’s yours. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

    2 … 50. See Rule #1

    There… I think my set of 50 rules are way easier than theirs. However, I am also the first to admit that mine are also common sense. But hey, at least I didn’t whine…

    More to come…

    Murv

  • The Status Quote – 1st Q #3…

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    I grew up in an age where we had a little bit of patience. For instance, when we wanted to watch something on TV we actually had to wait for it to be on, and be in front of the TV at the designated time. But what made us even more patient is that we had to turn on the toob an hour ahead of time so that the glass vacuum tubes and Cathode Ray Tube that made it work could warm up. No, I’m not kidding. Well, maybe about the hour part. But if you wanted to watch something you definitely turned on the TV a good five minutes or so ahead of time so that said tubes could get warm and things could come into focus. Especially if it was necessary to adjust the tin foil on the rabbit ears because of the weather or time of year. Again, not kidding.

    So, what’s my point here?

    I’m not really sure…

    Wait… Oh yeah… You see, we had patience and perseverance. We would spend months collecting boxtops from breakfast cereal we absolutely hated but ate anyway all so we could send away for some cheap, plastic decoder ring or some such. The point being, we would bide our time and do what was necessary to get what we wanted.

    Not so much now. We live in an instant gratification sort of age. One in which folks want it all, right here, right now, and they don’t want to take time collecting things.

    Again, what is my point here?

    I have NO f*cking idea. Sorry…

    And so, without further rambling from me, here we have the first quarter, round three aggregation of the Daily Merpizms, all in one place so that you don’t have to spend time collecting them daily.

    Bazzinga.

    The Whizzdom Of Merp

    January 2011

    Merpizm 01/01/11: “Without exception, everyone has a kink of some sort. Most are just too embarrassed to admit it.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/02/11: “No matter how many times you explain satire, some people will just never get it. Facebook wall comments prove this.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/03/11: “If the bastards somehow manage to get you down, just break their kneecaps and level the playing field.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/04/11: “Sadly, there are some days that even Dangerously Delicious Coffee can’t fix.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/05/11: “Being too smart for your own good means you’ve basically come almost full circle and are right back at stupid.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/06/11: “Nothing wakes you up and gets your blood moving quite like a clock falling off the wall at 3:17 AM.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/07/11: “There is a huge difference between acute stupidity and chronic stupidity.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/08/11: “Not everyone is chronically stupid. But those who are seem to think they speak for everyone.” ~ MRS

    BONUS Merpizm 01/08/11: “We now know the answer to the age old question, ‘where do birds go when they die?’ Arkansas.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/09/11: “Reading the Constitution and actually comprehending what it says are two completely different things.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/10/11: “Drama is the refuge of those who don’t feel as if they are getting enough attention.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/11/11: “Whenever you hear a Witch cackle, it means a monkey just earned its wings.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/12/11: “Listen… Do you hear stupid?” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/13/11: “You can always tell that it’s high class porn when it has subtitles.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/14/11: “Personally, I would NEVER want to be correct all of the time. That’s just too much responsibility.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/15/11: “Religion is like the junk drawer on your desk. It’s where you hide the stuff you don’t want to deal with.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/16/11: “Trust me. You do NOT want to know what really goes on inside my head.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/17/11: “If you don’t want me to make fun of you then stop giving me so much material to work with.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/18/11: “If you do a stupid, just own it and move on. It’s like Mr. Miyagi’s Crane Technique for personal responsibility.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/19/11: “When you assume you make and ASS out of U and U alone, because YOU did the stupid, NOT ME.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/20/11: “I really don’t care which way the toilet paper hangs, as long as the roll isn’t empty.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/21/11: “Whenever you start feeling TOO proud of yourself, remember – you are NOT as brilliant as you imagine.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/22/11: “I’m much funnier than most people realize. You just have to bring yourself down to my level. Drinking helps.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/23/11: “We could solve a lot of environmental problems with methane
    powered vehicles and a steady diet of Navy beans.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/24/11: “No matter how hard I try, I still can’t find any Internet porn that’s as good as the porn inside my head.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/25/11: “I do what my wife says. It’s safer for me that way.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/26/11: “If you aren’t happy with who you are, change. Just don’t turn into an asshole, because I’ve got dibs on that one.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/27/11: “There’s a time and place for everything, but it’s not here and not now, so find someplace else to be stupid.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/28/11: “March to your own drummer, but keep the volume down and don’t expect everyone else to like the same beat.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/29/11: “Real experts are those who, while dubbed experts by their peers, readily admit that they will never stop learning.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/30/11: “Before assigning blame, you should first check to see how much of it you spilled on your own shirt.” ~ MRS

    Merpizm 01/31/11: “It takes approximately 72 muscles to speak. It takes ZERO to stop and think before you give those 72 a workout.” ~ MRS

    More to come…

    Murv