BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

(This post is in response to a comment left when the Yule Poem was originally posted on Myspace…)

Yes, Jo, I am often amazed that EK doesn’t strangle me as well…

However, I feel compelled to give you all the history behind my version of “Twas the Night Before Xmas”…And, no, it isn’t because EK has me in a choke hold, or that she is standing over me with a flogger…

(Probably because she’s at work right now .)

Anyhow, the posted version of “TwasXmas” is one that is slightly tweaked, with a couple of extra verses added. The “original” psycho-redheaded-material girl filk of this timeless poem was written by me back in December, 1995. Yes, pre Rowan Gant (but not by much, as I began writing the short stories upon which the RGI series are based in 1996.)

Some of you may be aware that I had a long career as a Senior Level Electronics Technician, and in July of ’95 I was stolen away from the service center I managed by a company that had landed a lucrative contract with none other than Western Union. They needed someone capable of doing component level repair on old Concord Payment Terminals. Now, while I had never even seen one of these blue beasts before going to work for this company, I was part of a dying breed of technician–meaning, not only could I work on computers, but I actually knew how to use an Oscilloscope, Logic Probe, Solder/Desolder Station, as well as being able to read schematics. This meant that I could take one of these little beggars apart, track down the offending components (logic IC’s, resistors, capacitors, crystals, what have you) and replace them. They offered me A BUNCH of money to come work for them, as well as some especially tidy bonuses if I could meet a particular quota of repairs. At the risk of blowing my own horn, I actually did 2.5 times the quota each year–so the bonuses were very nice.

So, there is the setup. I left a management position to become a bench tech for another company. While that seems a step down, the dollars made it quite a step up.

However, something I discovered after joining this company is that during the annual Xmas Party, the newest member of the staff was required to Sing, Dance, or in some fashion briefly entertain the rest of the staff. Having been hired on in July, I hoped that I would be spared by a more recent hire but alas, that was not to be. When the holiday party rolled around, I was still the newest kid on the block, and 2 minutes of silly entertainment was expected of me.

Since I cannot carry a tune in a bucket, even if I have help, (just ask the Barstool Prophets…I sat in with them during a party held in my honor at Violet Flame Gifts in Ohio and croaked through a song or two…in my defense I was rather inebriated, but I digress…) As I was saying, since my ear is apparently composed of a tin-aluminum alloy, I asked if it would be okay for me to recite a poem instead. (Yeah, I can’t dance either…think Elaine from Seinfeld)…They were all for that and so it was set. However, you know me. I couldn’t see my way clear to recite something serious, and “TwasXmas” was born.

I actually have the two fading yellow sheets of legal pad paper upon which the original version was written here on my desk. I dug them out of my files so that I could transcribe the bit of rhyme here, and of course, decided to tweak it a bit in the process…(One of those silly writer things)

But, this isn’t where the story ends…(Yeah, here comes the part about EK)…The poem was written all in fun. The absolute truth of the matter is that EK is one of the most practical individuals on the face of the earth. Were the scenario in the poem real, she would be more likely to offer the fat SOB a Scotch, then sit down and calmly talk to him about her list which would contain such items as warm socks, an electric blanket, or maybe some new towels for the linen closet. I kid you not.

Yes, Virginia, the only thing material about my redhead is the fact that I spoil her with material things whenever I can afford it. Oh, she’s still Evil, don’t misunderstand. She’s just not a material kind of Evil…

So, there you have it.

MR

Yeah, I want a Tour Bus. I’ve been inside a couple, not to mention the ones I’ve seen on TV, and they are way cool. While I’m not about to be all about living out of a bus per se, it seems like it would be a lot nicer way to travel. I do a lot of airplane, but I also do a hefty share of my touring in a car (rental), or my truck. (Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a bitchin’ truck…2004 GMC Sierra 1500, extended cab, short bed, with all the bells and whistles…But, hey, if I had a bus and someone else was driving I could get up and walk around.)

Some of you may remember the “Humor in Uniform” section of Reader’s Digest…(it may still exist…I haven’t had my hands on a Readers’ Digest in a while)…Either way there was a particular joke that has always stuck with me. It was an anecdote where a fighter pilot was talking to the captain of a refueling plane via radio while in flight. He was bragging about how he could do all these maneuvers and such since his smaller, faster jet was more nimble than the lumbering refueling behemoth. The captain replied that he could do something the fighter couldn’t, so just watch. After several minutes of simply flying along the captain came back on the radio and said something like, “How was that.” The fighter pilot replied, “What do you mean? I didn’t see you do anything.” The captain of the refueling plane came back with, “Well, I just got up and stretched my legs. Walked around for a bit. Got a cup of coffee, and had a chat with my navigator.”

I’m sure that loses something in the translation, especially since I am drawing it from memory, but it has always struck me as not only funny, but kind of cool. I would love to be able to get up, stretch my legs, yadda yadda, while traveling, all without losing any time. I think that would be a pretty neat way to get from point A to point B.

But then, I suppose it doesn’t take much to amuse me.

Of course, these days, with gas prices the way they are, I guess having a tour bus is better left to the “Want/Dream” realm…

Anyhow…raining here. Cold. Supposed to snow tomorrow. Not much, but enough to stick to the grass. That’ll be great. I love snow, so it’s really my kind of weather. Right now I really should be writing. I have a ton of stuff to get done and probably shouldn’t be running off at the mouth here about nonsenical things…

Sooooo, that’s it for now!

MR